smile711 Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 How long does it take for your heart to catch up with your head? My head knows that this was an unhealthy relationship with a MM who was addicted to many things. My head knows that even if he came back, I wouldn't be able to believe so many things that he told me. My head knows I would always be waiting, worried that he would cheat on me or leave me again (for the third time). My head knows that I would want him on a short leash (as his W is understandably doing) yet I know that a healthy relationship should involve the people having friends and going out and having some separate interests to maintain their individuality. My head knows that a R with an addict 20 years older than me would catch up to me (or us) somehow. My head knows I would be obsessively checking credit card bills, cell phone bills, etc. My head knows that the drama would be constant. My heart lives on a whole different planet. My heart says I would be different. If he was with me, he wouldn't cheat because he would want for nothing. My heart says that his family would see how much we love each other and they would grow to respect that over time. My heart says that he could turn into that incredible man that I got glimpses of over the course of our relationship. It would take work, my heart knows, my I would do anything I could to help. My heart wonders where it went wrong. It wonders how I screwed this up. My heart worries that this was my only chance at real love and I blew it and I don't even know how. My heart worries that it is scarred to the point that it will never heal. My heart feels like a day of good times with him would heal me again. I have so many unanswered questions that will remain unanswered for 2 reasons-we have had NC for 36 days and sometimes I believe that xMM is so screwed up that he wouldn't even know the answers to the questions. The one thing that has been hurting lately is the people saying "If he wanted to get in touch with you, he would." Logically, I understand that. He could do so from work and no one would ever know. But does that mean he doesn't WANT to contact me? That's how I am right now-I WANT to contact him every Godforsaken day but out of respect for myself and for his W, I don't. I would love to know if he even wants to speak to me. And I would love to know when my heart will even be on the same planet as my head. Bad day!
courting17 Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 ;)Smile, I know how you feel. This NC is so hard at times although you know you are doing the right thing. You just want to know that they are thinking of you. He is not contacting you because it is the only way to get over a relationship. I think he is indeed thinking of you, but as you just said, you think of him everyday and out of respect, you do not contact. You are doing the right thing, and by posting here I think it helps. I feel strong one moment and then I want to email, text, etc. but know I need to move on, just as he needs to figure out what he is going to do with his situation. I am 'trying' to think about a future with endless possibilities and new available people in it. I hope you can trust in that, too. I feel your pain, I know what you are going through, but I hope you can trust in a brighter tomorrow. I know that sounds cliche, but that is what I am telling myself.
Author smile711 Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 Courting, thanks so much for responding. The days seem to be getting darker and I feel so hopeless. Part of me wonders if maybe I should be under 24 hour care for a few days. It has gotten to that point. I have a huge support system, and I am in IC and seeing a psychiatrist and I have been to see my family doctor. I am working 2 jobs, trying to focus and stay busy, taking all the medicine that I should be and it feels like nothing is getting better. How do I know when I have gotten to the point where the control is out of my hands and it's too much for me? I'm scared and disappointed in myself. I thought I was stronger than this.
courting17 Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Smile, you are being way too hard on yourself. This is not a quick fix situation. You are taking it day by day. I promise, this is no party for him either. I know it is painful now but in the long run you will be better off. Your head knows it. You will get there! I think you need to get out of the house and go to a movie or have lunch with a friend and quit reading this stuff for awhile. Get your mind off of it. In fact, I need to be taking my own advice. I'm worried about you.
Hating myself Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Smile, I know exactly how you are feeling. My heart hasn't caught up with my head either. It has been over a year since my ex-MM moved back home. I had broken up with him about 6 months before that, but he told me that he couldn't wait to get divorced. They had been separated for over 2 years. Anyway, I haven't spoken to him since he moved home. I found out this past week that his step-son died of an overdose. My ex raised him as if he was his own. My heart has been hurting so much for him and his family. He is an alcoholic and one of the other sons is a drug addict, as well. My head knows that I am so lucky to be out of all that, but my heart wants to be there for him, but I simply have no place. I have wondered all of the things that you have-does he miss me-does he even think about me? I blame myself-just like you do. But, everyone will tell you that it isn't about you. My ex told me that he was dead inside and he didn't think he would ever love me, but I didn't listen. I thought if I loved him enough and gave him everything, then he would have to love me. I also feel that if someone as messed up as he is couldn't love me, then noone could. Believe me, I have analyzed this thing to death, and I don't have any answers. Time is helping me, as well as anti-depressants. Just keep doing what you are doing-staying busy. It has to get better sometime, doesn't it? ((((((HUGS)))))))
jj33 Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Courting, thanks so much for responding. The days seem to be getting darker and I feel so hopeless. Part of me wonders if maybe I should be under 24 hour care for a few days. It has gotten to that point. I have a huge support system, and I am in IC and seeing a psychiatrist and I have been to see my family doctor. I am working 2 jobs, trying to focus and stay busy, taking all the medicine that I should be and it feels like nothing is getting better. How do I know when I have gotten to the point where the control is out of my hands and it's too much for me? I'm scared and disappointed in myself. I thought I was stronger than this. Smile you dont have to answer this to anyone but yourself but have you ever been under 24 hour care before. It is a big step to sign yourself in for care. Are you having any suicidal thoughts? We dont know you or your circumstances, other than what you post, so it would be wrong for us to minimize your feelings if you think you are really at risk. If you have never needed that sort of help before, I would strongly encourage you to take a few days off from work if you can and stay with relatives. Dont be alone. But if you have no history of needing care, I would not suggest that. A few days with family may do the trick. Maybe you can see your family doctor tomorrow and discuss it with him. Take good care and dont be too hard on yourself
Hating myself Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Smile, I just read my post and it appears as if I made it all about me. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I just wanted to let you know that you are not crazy. I wondered about checking myself in at one time. Please, do not let this man do this to you. I am trying to get myself back. It seems as if you and I both lost ourselves somewhere along the way. Please follow the above posters' advice. Do some nice things for yourself and stay with some friends or relatives for a while. Just don't do anything foolish. We care about you.
Author smile711 Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 I had contemplated suicide about a month ago (right after this all happened). That's why I went to my family doctor. I am on anti-depressants and something to control my panic attacks (which are frequent). I have never been under 24 hour care before and I don't really know what it entails. I think that I am just feeling like I am out of options. What do you do when you do all you're supposed to do and it's still not enough? It still doesn't feel better. I hope he is so unhappy right now. I know that's mean but to do the things that he's done, he deserves some time when his life sucks. I want him to hurt like I am hurting. I want him to understand what his actions have done to a once vibrant, happy, excited 28 year old. It's turned me into a past-dwelling, future-fearing, pill taking emotional mess.
jj33 Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I had contemplated suicide about a month ago (right after this all happened). That's why I went to my family doctor. I am on anti-depressants and something to control my panic attacks (which are frequent). I have never been under 24 hour care before and I don't really know what it entails. I think that I am just feeling like I am out of options. What do you do when you do all you're supposed to do and it's still not enough? It still doesn't feel better. I hope he is so unhappy right now. I know that's mean but to do the things that he's done, he deserves some time when his life sucks. I want him to hurt like I am hurting. I want him to understand what his actions have done to a once vibrant, happy, excited 28 year old. It's turned me into a past-dwelling, future-fearing, pill taking emotional mess. We understand. Are you in a position to take a few days off? Can you stay with your parents or siblings or is there someone else you can stay with who you feel would be supportive? We can tell you to be tough dont let this get you down but if you are feeling very fragile you need to listen to that. Smiles just from the words you post you are a wonderful young woman. You have your whole life in front of you. Dont let this man make you think for one second of taking that away from you. Its really dark now but it will get brigher in time. Big hugs
Author smile711 Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 I am blessed enough to be surrounded by family, friends, and co-workers, many of whom would drop everything at a moment's notice to stay with me. I also receive phone calls and texts daily (over 500 texts in the month he left-people telling me they were there for me and to hang in there!). I know how lucky I am to have this many people in my life. Not everyone is this fortunate. My best friend put it the best-I can't move on because I think that I can't move on WITHOUT HIM. Sometimes the bad known is better than the unknown and that's the point I think I am at sometimes.
jj33 Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I am blessed enough to be surrounded by family, friends, and co-workers, many of whom would drop everything at a moment's notice to stay with me. I also receive phone calls and texts daily (over 500 texts in the month he left-people telling me they were there for me and to hang in there!). I know how lucky I am to have this many people in my life. Not everyone is this fortunate. My best friend put it the best-I can't move on because I think that I can't move on WITHOUT HIM. Sometimes the bad known is better than the unknown and that's the point I think I am at sometimes. She may have correctly identified how you feel. And that is so nice. To have someone close to you who understands. But trust me even tho you feel that way right now, she was wrong. You CAN move on without him and in time you will. You will move on and be the happy you that you were. If you dont believe in you right now, then believe all of the wonderful people around you who know how special you are.
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