soserious1 Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 Been there, done that. My wife also sleeping with her boss. She planned it. She planned it on our daughter's birthday. Oh yeah, I know the pain, the anger and the in credulousness you feel. The shock, the horror...the weight loss ( lost 20 lbs in about ten days , no sleep...oh yeah. I know it.) That was four months ago...almost 4.5 months. Do you know why I stayed? Why, after it everything I wanted to try? I could see it in her eyes. She knew she had made a horrible mistake. It took me 8 weeks to come out of that angry hurt fog. And when I did I could remember her face. Not one you can fake. She knew she was wrong. And she didn't want to leave. She has delivered on every demand: quit job. Canceled her cell phone. Calls me when she arrives at work and when she leaves work. Calls me when going to friends house...calls while at friends. Calls me on her friend's cell if they are out eating, shopping whatever. Pawned her wedding rings (that was a 8k rock btw). Gave me her email password. Does all computer work in the kitchen - a public open place. Allows logs of every chat. Answers every question no matter painful or "ugly". For me: Still hurts. Still don't trust her. But getting better. I understand her affair and why she did it (understanding and acceptance are two different things). But, we are reconnecting. There is hope. I think my marriage will survive. I already have all the evidence and done all the lawyer stuff. Didn't file it. She and I even filled out all the "collaborative divorce forms". All we had to do was file. All I had to do was file. She asked to give our therapist a chance. And I'm glad I did. You can be there too. But you have to want it. You have to want it more than you want revenge. More than you want to punish her. Forgiveness is by nature unfair. The wronged party must forgive and accept the "wrong actions" of another. And accept them and move on. It is not weakness. It is not "oh, well she'll just do it again because I took her back". If you can do that - and it may take you months - then your marriage can survive. If you cannot, leave. If you do not think she truly wants you, then leave. If you do not think she can forgive you for whatever you lack (and sought in an affair)...then leave. All you can do is try. This way, you don't look in the mirror one day and wonder "what if I had tried to reconcile". Good luck. It can be done. I think I'd rather be divorced than to have to live as my partner's jail keeper. I cannot imagine how you can feel good about having to live this way, having to watch over her in this way? isn't having to basically play the jail keeper role just like another slap in the face to you ?
Al_Bundy Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 I think I'd rather be divorced than to have to live as my partner's jail keeper. I cannot imagine how you can feel good about having to live this way, having to watch over her in this way? isn't having to basically play the jail keeper role just like another slap in the face to you ? Exactly. I don't want someone I have to "watch over". Thats why I got a divorce.
stampdaddy Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 I think I'd rather be divorced than to have to live as my partner's jail keeper. I cannot imagine how you can feel good about having to live this way, having to watch over her in this way? isn't having to basically play the jail keeper role just like another slap in the face to you ? yeah, this is what I don't get either.. but it is not for me to understand. My exMW's husband is the same way.. however, he continued to see that she was still having contact and the affair for over a year, and he quit "looking" and spending his life as the "jail keeper", he would just trip over things.. I can't imagine...
jwi71 Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 How long was your wife's affair, if you don't mind me asking? I don't mind. Her affair lasted two days. She skipped our daughters birthday for sex which was a Sunday. I suspected immediately and caught her in a chat on Tuesday (she had dental work on Monday and was a zombie). I threw her out Tuesday. She went to her lovers until Thursday. I accepted her back then. She called and begged and pleaded to come back each day and night...even at my lawyers office on Wednesday. I let her back on Thursday night.
jwi71 Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 yeah, this is what I don't get either.. but it is not for me to understand. My exMW's husband is the same way.. however, he continued to see that she was still having contact and the affair for over a year, and he quit "looking" and spending his life as the "jail keeper", he would just trip over things.. I can't imagine... I am not her keeper. The burden is on her. She tells me where she is going and verifies it. If she is deviating by more than a reasonable amount, she must call. This isnt a proactive approach by me for the very reasons you cite. Therefore, the burden is on her to notify me. She has accepted it and has yet to miss or fail in any way, shape or form. After 4 odd months and zero failures...I am pretty certain she wants to reconcile. And I can see it in her eyes.
stampdaddy Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 I am not her keeper. The burden is on her. She tells me where she is going and verifies it. If she is deviating by more than a reasonable amount, she must call. This isnt a proactive approach by me for the very reasons you cite. Therefore, the burden is on her to notify me. She has accepted it and has yet to miss or fail in any way, shape or form. After 4 odd months and zero failures...I am pretty certain she wants to reconcile. And I can see it in her eyes. that's VERY good progress... I am sure she is very sincere in here efforts and wish you both ALL of the success in recovering your marriage. and thanks for talking to me
Terminator Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 I'm bemused - can you explain why one of the conditions of your reconciliation was her pawning her wedding rings?
jwi71 Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 I'm bemused - can you explain why one of the conditions of your reconciliation was her pawning her wedding rings? The rings had no significance via the affair. As such, I could no longer tolerate them on her finger. I actually gave her several options, including my personal favorite of tying them to a helium balloon and letting go. She chose to sell them. In time, provided we can work through this (and I believe we can)...then I will buy her a wedding band. No more diamonds as they are forever...and she was not. All in all, things are pretty good all things considered.
Terminator Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 The rings had no significance via the affair. As such, I could no longer tolerate them on her finger. I actually gave her several options, including my personal favorite of tying them to a helium balloon and letting go. She chose to sell them. In time, provided we can work through this (and I believe we can)...then I will buy her a wedding band. No more diamonds as they are forever...and she was not. All in all, things are pretty good all things considered. Good for you, not so good for your marriage. Reading between the lines here, I don't see your reconciliation lasting to be honest, but good luck with it.
JustBreathe Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Hey QP: You shouldn't feel any guilt whatsoever for letting the betrayed wife know that her husband is cheating on her. I thank God that I found out, no matter how terrible the knowledge. Aren't you glad you know? Comment on your girls being 6 and 3 and that being the reason for not wanting a divorce: I can relate as my kids weren't much older than that when I found out (17, 6 and 9). It has been 7 years and I still think about it daily. My friend - consider carefully the personal ramifications of staying with someone for the kids. For me: Endless fighting leading to a 4-month separation, 3 years of more crap - me playing private eye - then a mysterious email account then another separation; weight loss, insomnia and anxiety attacks, hair loss (it grew back), almost lost my job, marriage counseling, individual counseling, anti-depressants (still take one daily), suicidal? - I started drinking wine w/leftover pain killers from an old operation, excessive drinking Long term effects.... I still smoke - went back on d-day after 10 years smoke free. Still take an anti-depressant daily. Have friends and family members who can't believe I'm still married to him and don't respect me for it - so we don't talk much anymore. Was I a good mother during those first 4 years do you think? Distracted, irritable, unable to concentrate, unable to get out and have fun with them, drank too much - I cannot do those years over and wish I could. I did the best I could but I was devastated. I wasted many years, spent too much time trying to "save my marriage." I have one year left to go before I'll divorce him as I may as well stay now. I did not save my marriage after all. Looking back, it was not worth it. I should have gone ahead and divorced him when I first found out - my kids would have adjusted and I would have been over it by now. Don't feel bad if you stay. It is a valid choice!!! I understand. Just think carefully about what it is you are doing, seek counseling even though you are a proud military man as it is a life altering decision. To think that a woman could sleep around on you while you were serving your country in Iraq is unconscionable and shameful. But then all affairs are unconscionable and shameful. May you find peace soon.
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