Quiet Pro Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I flew back home yesterday from being away for a week while I was doing Army work. I needed this break from the stress of knowing the truth while my wife continued to lie to me about the affair. This morning I noticed she was hand washing her delicates (Victoria Secret garments) and I told her I wished she would wear something like that for me. It was evident she had worn this while I was away. She kind of got aggressive with me and said "what do you mean by that?" I asked her "do you really want to do this?" I went downstairs and retrieved a Semen Detection Kit and asked her to test a pair of her panties she hadn't washed yet. It tested positive for Semen and I have delibrately not slept with her for this reason. She disclosed everything to me. All details of the affair came out. I later called the OM's wife. Apparently, she found a text message to the OM from my wife that was inappropriate around 6 months ago. I was still in Iraq at the time. She talked to her husband and he assured her it was nothing. Their marriage is over. I have sent him an email and left him a message to let him know to stay away from my family. My wife says she is ready to begin again. My eyes are open. And she understands the hurt she has brought our family and the damage she has done to his family. ButI have told her I realize how good of a liar she has now become. I hold no joy other than I can now work to save my family. His life is shattered. He knew of my weight loss and the stress his actions, and her actions, were causing. They were going to let me die. I lossed 40 lbs. Their lives revolved around text messages, phone calls and planning the next hook up. I hold no guilt for what I did to his family because he was going to let my wife divorce me and leave my daughters fatherless. I feel I could have died from the stress of this affair. They didn't care. But now I can work on my wife as a recovering addict. And I get to keep my family. This luxury wasn't afforded to him. He is lucky I never got mad.
Reggie Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Just keep your options open. I read a study on men who stayed with their cheating wives. The author had found that men, in particular, have a knee jerk reaction to discovering an affair and want to reconcile for the wrong reasons, specifically a fear of being alone and a competetive urge to feel like they prevailed over the other guy. Almost across the board, a couple years out, these men were miserable and regretted staying. So, just as BS's are advised to make no decision about divorce for a year or so, the same applies to making a committment to reconcile.Let your WW know that you are willing to consider staying but do not make a firm committment for a good long time. See if she does the hard work, arranging counseling, being transparent, witnessing your pain and trying to help you heal. You call the shots, now. She needs to be tested for STD's. So do you. She's risked your life exposing you to the OM's entire sexual history. I hope you do what is best for you. Very few marriages survive this stuff. The sites promoting their marriage healing services for a fee give false stats. It's like 30% survivial at best. Good luck. Amazing ,the callousness and cruelty they display , eh?
D-Lish Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I went downstairs and retrieved a Semen Detection Kit and asked her to test a pair of her panties she hadn't washed yet. Huh? You just happened to have a kit in your basement??
Karma101 Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 a competetive urge to feel like they prevailed over the other guy. That is exactly the vibe I got from your post, before even reading Reggie's comment. It sounds like anger and jealousy are fueling your desire to keep your marriage together right now, specifically making sure that this OM does not have "your" wife. Understandable. I agree w/ Reggie. Take it slow. I read the same stats on the percentage of marriages that last after an affair... 31%. Recovery is certainly possible, though I think it's good to go at it with open eyes. My own XH cheated on me... I never looked back. We didn't have children together, though I'm not sure that would have changed my mind. Cheating, to me, is the ultimate self-serving act of disrespect... A total deal-breaker!
Sup Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Why are you gonna stay with your wife? Reread your post on here, "they were gonna let you die"! Think about it, the affair would still be going on if you didn't zap her on it! Divorce this cancer and find someone better! She rode someone while you were RISKING your life in Iraq! She dishonored and disrepected you in the worse possble ways, and you want to take her back?! Drop her ASS! You deserve way better!
Bryanp Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I think you need to reread the above poster (SUP) comments again and again. She had no intention of ever stopping the affair until she got caught. She could have cared less whether she gave you an STD. Your risking your life and she screwing her lover behind your back. She was going to leave you and let you die. You need to open your eyes and see what it is that you really have. If the roles had been reversed, do you honestly think she would have put up with such an amount of humiliation, disrespect and distain you apparently are willing to accept? Enough is enough!
Lookingforward Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Huh? You just happened to have a kit in your basement?? Read his other threads d-lish, he got a kit when he first suspected she was having an affair.
SoulStorm Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Huh? You just happened to have a kit in your basement?? In his first post on another thread he mentioned that he purchased sperm detection kits
Sup Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I think you need to reread the above poster (SUP) comments again and again. She had no intention of ever stopping the affair until she got caught. She could have cared less whether she gave you an STD. Your risking your life and she screwing her lover behind your back. She was going to leave you and let you die. You need to open your eyes and see what it is that you really have. If the roles had been reversed, do you honestly think she would have put up with such an amount of humiliation, disrespect and distain you apparently are willing to accept? Enough is enough! NO! She wouldn't have put up with you screwing another woman, so why settle for less? You're better than that, MAN!
Sup Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I hope you realize, that we're here to help you get away from a bad selfish person (your wife:sick:)who just don't give a crap about you, let alone love you! There's good Lawyers out there, Men's Rights lawyers, who will fight to the bloody screaming death to make sure your rights are protected, for a small fee of course, but heck, that's a whole lot better than paying this woman alimony for the rest of your life for her affair! You could perhaps get custody of your children! In the very least it would be joint custody, so STBXW wouldn't get a dime! Oh, and go for the house too! Of course her and OM probably already screwed in it, gotta burn the bed!
lonelyandfrustrated Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I just wanted to say Thank You for your service, and I'm sorry your wife is so selfish. I wish you good things moving forward.
In Like Flynn Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 As a recently medically retired military member. I can tell you that by what you posted and the fact she wasn't going to stop until caught...makes her a bad spouse for any military member. Your going to be gone again in the future and she will do it again. kick her to the curb.
D-Lish Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 In his first post on another thread he mentioned that he purchased sperm detection kits I didn't even know such a thing existed! I concur, find yourself a good divorce lawyer and explore all your options. There is no excuse for cheating on your spouse while they are away on duty overseas... none whatsoever. My ex husband had a 6 month contract in Tokyo while we were married- and it never once occured to me to cheat just because I was a little lonley. That's so disrespectful.
whichwayisup Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 Her affair isn't really over. I mean, she was washing a sexy outfit! Sure she told you about the A, only because you busted her. She may say she's ready to work on the marriage, let her actions show this, not her words. Keep an eye on her. Check up on her. Get to counselling together and apart.
pelicanpreacher Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 I've said it once and I'll say it again. A bullet was fired right through the heart of your marriage which not only killed the marriage but was deeply felt by you for a part of you literally died with it (hence the agonal pain, anguish, weight loss, and anxiety you experienced as a result of it's death throes). Your wife not only conducted herself in a shameful manner by having an affair but compounded the severity of her betrayal to your marriage by lying and using you in deferrence to her selfish indulgence to maintain a relationship with her OM. To bounce back from this you must fully forgive her with the understanding that forgiveness heals the forgiver but does nothing for the forgiven for the forgiven must still face the consequences of their actions and are still bound and required to make restitution by performing acts of contrition through atonement for their misdeeds. Thinking of forgiveness as "amnesia for the mind and soul" the degree of forgiveness that you must strive to achieve in your circumstance may require you to completely wipe out your entire history with her. Difficult to do since you sired children with her but, it is what it is, hence making decisions for the future far more difficult. Once you've healed and achieved a state of complete forgiveness though, the question that begs is, would you be able to look into the face of the stranger, still mother to your children, and ask for her hand in marriage? Here is where I completely agree with other posters who advise that you restrain yourself from making any premature commitments to maintaining an immediate marital relationship with her. When you look in her face you must consider her from the perspective of a stranger for the person she is now is not the person you married. You will have to aquaint yourself with this stranger just as you would any other new person in your life and proceed with the same prudence, caution, and questions you'd have assessed while in pursuit of any of the other relationships you've ever undertaken in the past. Remember, long is the road and hard that out of hell lead up to light so take your time and step carefully!
bish Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 I went downstairs and retrieved a Semen Detection Kit and asked her to test a pair of her panties she hadn't washed yet. It tested positive for Semen and I have delibrately not slept with her for this reason. She disclosed everything to me. All details of the affair came out. I later called the OM's wife. Apparently, she found a text message to the OM from my wife that was inappropriate around 6 months ago. Well there you go. You didn't have to even out him. His wife now knows and you should feel good that she does. I was still in Iraq at the time. She talked to her husband and he assured her it was nothing. Their marriage is over. I have sent him an email and left him a message to let him know to stay away from my family. Well here is my question, why do you want such an unscrupulous woman as your wife? she'll always go catting on you when you are away or deployed. Why do you want that? My wife says she is ready to begin again. Oh sure, now that she is found out. Now that the OM's wife knows. Don't buy her bs my man. Because thats all it is. She just doesn't want her kids, and probably herself, to lose the comfort level of being an intact family. My eyes are open. And she understands the hurt she has brought our family and the damage she has done to his family. Understanding, and caring are 2 different things. ButI have told her I realize how good of a liar she has now become. I hold no joy other than I can now work to save my family. His life is shattered. So if his life and marriage being in shambles is a good thing, then why not for yours as well? Why not end your marriage the same as you think its great that his is ending? He knew of my weight loss and the stress his actions, and her actions, were causing. They were going to let me die. And if that is truly the way you see it, then why do you want to stay with a "woman" that didn't care about your health and was going to let you "die"? Seriously man, you need to go somewhere and truly think about this. This is a woman that didn't care about the state of your health just so long as she can get another man inside her. Whats next? Rat poison? I feel I could have died from the stress of this affair. They didn't care. Exactly. so once again, why do you want to stay with a "woman" that could have cared less if you died? ( i know you are being dramatic, but still the principle is the same ). But now I can work on my wife as a recovering addict. And I get to keep my family. This luxury wasn't afforded to him. He is lucky I never got mad. You get to keep your family? So you are willing to stay with someone that could care less about you and be unhappy just to keep your family? Your kids will always be your kids. But with thinking like that, she will be able to get away with cheating again....and she will cheat again.....because as long as you think of it as "keeping your family", you will let her get away with it. Seriously my man, think about everything you just said. You said she could care less if you were to die. That says it all right there.
Lucky_One Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 T/J When I see the title of your thread, it gives me the chills. It sounds like you are going to post that you killed your wife and her lover. EEK
Owl Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 I'm amazed by your sudden turn around in game plan and attitude. Up until now, all you've talked about was busting him, busting her, and making everyone a laughing stock as you were headed out the door. Now you want to reconcile. I'm not telling you WHAT to do...either choice could possibly work out well. I'm in a happily reconciled marriage after my wife's affair. You could get there...or you might choose to divorce and be equally happy. I'm really curious what caused your sudden change in gameplan?
DealingWDrama Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 If you truly wish to rebuild your marriage, both of you will have to come completely clean with one another and seek marriage counseling! IT's going to be a long hard road. There will be moments when you are second guessing yourself and attempting to talk yourself into staying in your marriage or getting out of it. It is NOT easy!!!! STD test is a must for you and for her...even if she says that she doesn't want to - she put you into this mess and HAS to take a test. Also have her take a pregnancy test (blood test) which will determine if a pregnancy has resulted in this 'union'....I wish you the best...I realize I have already said it but once again - THIS IS NOT EASY - good luck.
orangesean Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 Huh? You just happened to have a kit in your basement?? Hahaha, the story sucks and all, but I was completely weirded out by that too!
jwi71 Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 Been there, done that. My wife also sleeping with her boss. She planned it. She planned it on our daughter's birthday. Oh yeah, I know the pain, the anger and the in credulousness you feel. The shock, the horror...the weight loss ( lost 20 lbs in about ten days , no sleep...oh yeah. I know it.) That was four months ago...almost 4.5 months. Do you know why I stayed? Why, after it everything I wanted to try? I could see it in her eyes. She knew she had made a horrible mistake. It took me 8 weeks to come out of that angry hurt fog. And when I did I could remember her face. Not one you can fake. She knew she was wrong. And she didn't want to leave. She has delivered on every demand: quit job. Canceled her cell phone. Calls me when she arrives at work and when she leaves work. Calls me when going to friends house...calls while at friends. Calls me on her friend's cell if they are out eating, shopping whatever. Pawned her wedding rings (that was a 8k rock btw). Gave me her email password. Does all computer work in the kitchen - a public open place. Allows logs of every chat. Answers every question no matter painful or "ugly". For me: Still hurts. Still don't trust her. But getting better. I understand her affair and why she did it (understanding and acceptance are two different things). But, we are reconnecting. There is hope. I think my marriage will survive. I already have all the evidence and done all the lawyer stuff. Didn't file it. She and I even filled out all the "collaborative divorce forms". All we had to do was file. All I had to do was file. She asked to give our therapist a chance. And I'm glad I did. You can be there too. But you have to want it. You have to want it more than you want revenge. More than you want to punish her. Forgiveness is by nature unfair. The wronged party must forgive and accept the "wrong actions" of another. And accept them and move on. It is not weakness. It is not "oh, well she'll just do it again because I took her back". If you can do that - and it may take you months - then your marriage can survive. If you cannot, leave. If you do not think she truly wants you, then leave. If you do not think she can forgive you for whatever you lack (and sought in an affair)...then leave. All you can do is try. This way, you don't look in the mirror one day and wonder "what if I had tried to reconcile". Good luck. It can be done.
stampdaddy Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 She has delivered on every demand: quit job. Canceled her cell phone. Calls me when she arrives at work and when she leaves work. Calls me when going to friends house...calls while at friends. Calls me on her friend's cell if they are out eating, shopping whatever. Pawned her wedding rings (that was a 8k rock btw). Gave me her email password. Does all computer work in the kitchen - a public open place. Allows logs of every chat. Answers every question no matter painful or "ugly". what time is dinner??
jwi71 Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 har dee har har. And, to make it worse, my wife is a trained pastry chef
stampdaddy Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 har dee har har. And, to make it worse, my wife is a trained pastry chef How long was your wife's affair, if you don't mind me asking?
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