winter Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I wasn't sure where to post this. I need some advice. I'm a single bisexual woman. A married friend of mine (female) came on to me quite strongly two weeks ago. I'm not interested, and said so very clearly. This really came out of left field. I had no idea she had such feelings for me. We had a long talk about it, and things have been weird between us since. We've emailed and talked on the phone, but haven't spent any time together in person. We've been friends for about ten years. She has known for years that I'm bi. I'm out, it's not a big deal. We never dated. There was never any sexual chemistry between us. We used to hang out quite often. We were best friends before she met her husband, and continued our friendship after they got married. I was always really supportive of her being with him, he seemed like a really good guy. I'm starting to think I need to walk away from the friendship. I am feeling uncomfortable with the feelings my friend has for me. I feel like our friendship will never be the same again, and I'm feeling really sad and confused. Any advice?
westernxer Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 You're doing the right thing by chilling the friendship. Your friend owes you an explanation (as well as an apology), provided she hasn't done so yet. Until then, stay away. Maybe you'll resume the friendship down the line.
carhill Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Kudos to you for your directness and honesty. Did you know she was attracted to women, prior to this incident? If not, I can imagine what a shock that was, notwithstanding the fact that she's married. What to do? Since you were honest, I'd say a break would be in order for her to reconcile her feelings and refocus on her marriage. Do you think you could be friends again in the future? I assume you have all the things which go along with a long friendship and, other than this incident, have had a fulfilling relationship. So, perhaps when her feelings of attraction subside, you might be able to resume and build a completely new friendship
Author winter Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 She did not apologize. She doesn't even think that she did anything wrong. I asked her if she felt guilty, because she is married, and she said no. She has always been with men. I don't remember her ever being single for more than two months. She never dated women, and never talked about being attracted to women. She use to tell me everything, and I think she would have told me. I don't think her husband knows, and I'm feeling uncomfortable with that as well. He can be homophobic. I've met him on several occasions, and they always seemed really happy together. I know he has been really busy with work lately, but she has been too. She did this behind his back, and I have lost some respect for her. I also don't know how long she has felt attracted to me. She went about this in such an abrupt way. She told me that she thought she and I were 'soul mates', and that she doesn't think that her and her husband are. She told me that she doesn't feel a soul connection with him. I don't even know what to think of that. I'm feeling really sorry for him right now. I've lost some trust for her too.
Reggie Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Let her husband know, so he can figure out what he wants to do.
Author winter Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 I told her to talk to him. It's not my place to tell him...and I don't think he'd believe me anyway.
carhill Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Though I'm not a female, I can envision how an otherwise straight woman, enveloped in the intimacy of a deep female/female friendship, especially with a bi-sexual woman, could develop feelings of attraction. Intimacy is a powerful shaper of our psyche. Perhaps your friend, though with men, never felt completely "right" with them. It's really hard to explain, but I think I know what she means. Anyway, regardless, she broke your trust as well as that of her husband. IMO, both are recoverable, but not until she accepts responsibility for her behavior. That part is a bit mystifying to me. She could be in denial or a fog of emotion. Is such behavior, not taking responsibility, 'normal' for her? If not too personal, about how old is she?
Author winter Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 It is actually quite baffling for me as well hat she hasn't taken any responsibility for her behavior. It is not like her at all. This has been very out of character. She could be in denial, that's a strong possibility. She is normally very caring and considerate. She is also usually quite reserved. She is usually quite communicative and expressive. She has a very analytical nature, and I've never known her to do anything impulsively. I'm thinking that these feelings have been stirring for quite some time. I'm feeling very hurt that she wasn't honest with me sooner, and more respectful in how she let me know. She could have talked with me, rather than acting out on her feelings like that. She acted like a horny teenager. We're both over 30.
Author winter Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 since this happened, in a way, I've been carrying the guilt for her I have this 'secret' now, and I cannot tell anyone. I didn't do anything wrong, but I was part of something that could potentially hurt another person.
carhill Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Has she had a life altering experience recently, like a death, serious illness, miscarriage, or similar? I know, when my dad died when I was 25, many things about me changed. Some are outlined in my journals. His death had a profound effect on me. Regarding your "secret", you'll likely find good information and support right here in the OM/OW section. I haven't been here long, but I do recall some bi-sexual and gay/lesbian circumstances discussed. There are a lot of bright minds here at LS, some of which have gone through the pain of infidelity or have been the OM/OW. I hope you find some peace and can at some point reconcile your friendship. Ironically, right now is when she (and you) really needs a friend
Author winter Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 "Has she had a life altering experience recently" No. I have though. In June, I broke off a relationship with my long-term girlfriend. She (exgf) didn't want to be monogamous, and I couldn't handle it anymore. I finally accepted that she is emotionally unavailable, and I couldn't hurt myself anymore by trying to be with her. I've been doing NC with her since. I've been having a rough time, and I really needed my best friend to be just that - my best friend. Her coming on to me has hurt me a great deal. I keep wondering if she wanted more than friendship all along, and was just waiting for me to be single? Now I'm faced with letting go of two women who I loved dearly, although in different ways.
quankanne Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 She told me that she thought she and I were 'soul mates', and that she doesn't think that her and her husband are. She told me that she doesn't feel a soul connection with him. I don't even know what to think of that. I'm feeling really sorry for him right now. not sure why this is problematic, unless she phrased it sexually? Because while I love my husband dearly, I don't feel for him the way I do my best friends (one guy, one girl), and if I consider ANYONE a soul mate, it'd be the two of them. Because they *know* me in a way my husband could never be able to. And i'm wondering if your friend sees it this way, too? though the admission about 'horny teenager" behavior is odd – do you think they're on the outs and she's convinced herself that a fling with another woman will "show" him? Or could she be curious of your lifestyle and want to explore it for herself, and figures you'd be a "safe" guide into the world of lesbianism?
angie2443 Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 not sure why this is problematic, unless she phrased it sexually? Because while I love my husband dearly, I don't feel for him the way I do my best friends (one guy, one girl), and if I consider ANYONE a soul mate, it'd be the two of them. Because they *know* me in a way my husband could never be able to. And i'm wondering if your friend sees it this way, too? I guess I see it differantly. I wouldn't want to share my life with a man who wasn't my soul mate. To me, that is the highest form of intimancy. If I found another man who I considered my soul mate I would want to be with him physically. You see this a lot on these boards. A married person looses the conection with their spouse, finds another at work who they feel is their soul mate, and the affair begins. On another note, if this woman is straight and wants to be with the OP because she has feelings for her, the OP should watch out. I've heard of sexual encounters like these, and they never turn out good. You can't change your sexual orientation just because you have strong emotional conections with someone.
quankanne Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 hmmm ... i guess I'm wired differently! I see "soul mate" as more of a true friendship thing, and romance (marriage) as a whole other critter. Not mutually exclusive, just not *inclusive* in my case! You can't change your sexual orientation just because you have strong emotional connections with someone. yep. And this makes me wonder more about the "I'll show him" scenario ... how easy would it be to think that, "well, I've got this close friend I care for, and she can give me what HE won't" – certain amount of affection and closeness, certain acts of intimacy ...
djhall Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 IOn another note, if this woman is straight and wants to be with the OP because she has feelings for her, the OP should watch out. I've heard of sexual encounters like these, and they never turn out good. You can't change your sexual orientation just because you have strong emotional conections with someone. Yeah, I keep wondering exactly what it is she was looking for. Did she want an intense emotional and sexual affair, or is she simply wanting to experiment with another woman and thought you were the logical choice since you were single, bi-sexual, and a long-term friend. Are these feelings she is expressing about her "connection" with you, or are they about justifying why she is trying to cheat on her husband with you?
Author winter Posted September 29, 2008 Author Posted September 29, 2008 I don't know what she wants or what her intentions were. I'm not interested in getting involved with a married person. I'm not even slightly interested in being someone's 'experiment' either. If a married male friend had said and done what she did, I would have told him where to go. I think I'm being 'softer' on her because she is a woman. The way she went about it was so crass. She came on to me the way a horny 17-year-old would. It didn't feel 'right' or 'good' for me at all. I pushed her away. I felt really disrespected. Maybe she is trying to get needs met that her husband can't or won't meet. That's possible. Maybe he even knows about this, I don't know. I just know that I'm not interested and I don't want to be a part of what she is doing. I don't know if I can remain her friend. I'm feeling really hurt. She knows that I'm still getting over my recent break up (in June), which has been tough. I think she may have been trying to take advantage of my vulnerability. I don't like her very much right now.
Author winter Posted September 29, 2008 Author Posted September 29, 2008 Even if she told me why she is interested, I don't think I would be able to believe a word she said. She really violated the trust between us, and she has shown me that she is capable of abusing her husband's trust. If they're not happy in their marriages, why the hell don't they do something about that! How about some counseling?
carhill Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 Everyone has a different emotional makeup. Events, like your very painful breakup, might affect one person in a painful way, like I'm hearing from you, and another person could be devastated, fall into a deep depression and contemplate suicide. It would be hard for that person to understand how you "handled it so well", just as it might be for you to understand the depth of their despair, even though the events might be similar. We all are wired up differently. Even though she was wrong, I'm still convinced, for reasons you have yet to discover, the boundaries of commitment, as well as gender/sexual orientation, blurred for your friend, and she acted in ways which not only were improper, but which were completely out of character for her. It's almost like she became another person. That may be closer to the truth than we now realize. None of it absolves her of responsibility, but attempting to understand (by getting the "right" perspective from her) can help with healing, along with time, perhaps time apart. If they're not happy in their marriages, why the hell don't they do something about that! How about some counseling?Good question. Ask her. IMO, if you do wish to disconnect her, I'd get some closure by talking it out first. Leaving the friendship hanging will likely not do either of you good.
Mino Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 She did not apologize. She doesn't even think that she did anything wrong. I asked her if she felt guilty, because she is married, and she said no. She has always been with men. I don't remember her ever being single for more than two months. She never dated women, and never talked about being attracted to women. She use to tell me everything, and I think she would have told me. I don't think her husband knows, and I'm feeling uncomfortable with that as well. He can be homophobic. I've met him on several occasions, and they always seemed really happy together. I know he has been really busy with work lately, but she has been too. She did this behind his back, and I have lost some respect for her. I also don't know how long she has felt attracted to me. She went about this in such an abrupt way. She told me that she thought she and I were 'soul mates', and that she doesn't think that her and her husband are. She told me that she doesn't feel a soul connection with him. I don't even know what to think of that. I'm feeling really sorry for him right now. I've lost some trust for her too.Hi Winter... I may think she is a bit confussed. The reason I say this is I have a soul friend, (man) we have been friends over 20 years. He knows everything about me, when we meet, the world stops, and we talk for hours. We connect. But this friendship is platonic, their is no sexual chemistry. Its is spiritually, i love this person, would die for him...I too was confused about this feeling I had for him around the 10th year, I was going through rough times, breakup with a boyfriend, my friend was there for me with supporting words, as always, I all of a sudden thought , wow, he must be the one for me, and i was too blind all these years to see. I did not tell him that my feelings had shifted, why, because I realized this was just a phase of cofusion I knew my friend would be there for life, I realized that i was just hurting, and he was always there for my comfort and support. I did tell him years later, he admited he had gone through this "phase: himself before. We were able to laugh about it, and we talked about why and how could this happen. He is my soul friend that I cherish and love, nothing more, nothing less. You are blessed if you have a friend like this. So the best that I can advise is talk this through... We did, and it made our friendship so much stronger... Good Luck
Mino Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 It would be a shame if a ten year Best friend "friendship would be lost on this one inccident. Sounds like she is going through a rough time in her marriage at this time. Forgive her.... and talk things out. If she never had a attraction to women, I highly doubt this feeling is real.... Its pure confussion. My friend is a man, I like men. But I also knew better that you dont just wake up one morning after 10 years of being friends and think he is my soulmate...soul friend is more like it,
quankanne Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 mino, I think the difference in your friendship and hers is that in your case, you and your SF respected each other enough to not introduce anything "weird" into the relationship and waited through those possible feelings. from the sound of it, what winter posted sounds like an aggressive, almost-date rape kind of situation (I know that sounds harsh, but it's the only way I could think of something so unexpected and so repulsive at the hands of a "friend.") If they're not happy in their marriages, why the hell don't they do something about that! How about some counseling? sometimes people look for the easy fix than do the harder thing, especially if it means taking a good long look at themselves to see their role in the problem. BTW, I'm sorry about your bad break-up ... this incident on top of the break-up is a recipe for a genuine mess
Author winter Posted September 29, 2008 Author Posted September 29, 2008 almost-date rape kind of situation We've been close, like sisters, for years. We often spoke of how we felt like sisters. She told me many times that we were much closer than she and her birth sister are. There was a distinctly platonic feel to the friendship. It really did feel like 'family'. It felt safe. We have talked about being soul friends. There was, in the past, always a great deal of respect between us. To try to explain how this felt for me: What she did, would be like if your adult sister or brother suddenly came on to you and touched you sexually without your participation or consent. I felt gross in my stomach. I felt like throwing up. The feelings of safety I had in this friendship were gone in an instant. I don't know if I can ever get that back. For days after wards, I had nightmares about being raped, violated, touched inappropriately by strangers, etc (I've been through some really tough times in life, and really bad memories were triggered by this) I've tried three times now to talk with her about this. I did tell her about the dreams, and how what happened brought back really bad memories for me. I did my best to explain to her why this was 'wrong' for me, and how it hurt me. (She is well aware of my history, and knows about what I've been through, and she knows how much I am hurting about my recent breakup - we talked about absolutely everything all the time) While we've said many things, she just won't own her part in it, and won't admit to having done anything wrong. She doesn't feel it was wrong. She actually told me that she thought I was single and lonely and would enjoy it! She doesn't seem to be hearing a word I say. She won't take responsibility. Our talks were on the phone and through email. I wanted to talk face to face, to really sort it out, but she kept avoiding that. I think she does know she went too far, and I think she doesn't want to face me. Physically, it didn't go very far before I put a stop to it. Emotionally though, I do feel violated. I don't feel safe with her now. She seems a stranger to me. I am not recognizing my friend right now. I don't want to call her again. If she contacts me, I'll talk with her and try to sort it out. I have the feeling I'm not going to hear from her for a long time though. At some point, the guilt of what she did will kick in. Sooner or later, she'll have to admit to herself that she was out of line. All she had to do was tell me that her feelings for me were changing, and we could have talked it through. I would have been 100% there for her through all of that. The 'way' she did this has harmed our friendship, and has changed how I feel in her presence.
DealingWDrama Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 My advice - walk away and go with your gut...if you think leaving the friendship is the right thing for you - then that is what you should do.
Author winter Posted September 29, 2008 Author Posted September 29, 2008 My "gut" is telling me not to contact her. I feel deep down like something isn't quite right, but I don't know what that something is. I'm not sure that saying that makes any sense at all though.
Owl Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 Tell her exactly how you feel after what she's done. Explain to her how violated you feel, how you feel about your friendship after this. It sounds like this friendship has ended, to me. If this came from another poster, who had a man hit on her in the same fashion, I think that most of the advice would be right along those lines...the line has been crossed, and you can't "take it back". If you're no longer comfortable with her...end the friendship and move on. That's my thoughts, at least.
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