Separated people consider themselves officially single?

[Bells]

The following is what phycho men cannot get into their subsized prefrontal cortex:

 

A partnership requires the continual determination of both partners.

That means that when one partner wants out, there is no relationship anymore. The only reason why the marriage isn't void immediately, is because of bureaucratic time-delay.

 

Well, I'm not referring to bureaucratic things here...we're talking about 2 people who have decided to dedicate their entire lives with each other, till death of course.

 

That carries more weight than some short-lived boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

[Touche]

Well, wonder what you think of this...I not only dated while still legally separated, I became engaged!

[StartingOver07]

Well, wonder what you think of this...I not only dated while still legally separated, I became engaged!

 

 

Me, too.

[Touche]

Me, too.

 

Scandalous, isn't it?

[nicki]

Hi Bells, yes, we did have kids, which made the divorce very painful. I never wanted to have my children go through what I did when my parents split...

 

Engaged before divorce? Glad you girls found love again, but did it seem right to you to be engaged to be married before the other marriage was dissolved?

 

No judgment here, it's just that my boyfriend also proposed to me before his divorce was finalized....I told him to ask me again when he was legally free to ask me that question. I guess I felt we couldn't really be engaged until he was divorced. But, that was just me.

 

My divorce lawyer warned me against getting into a serious relationship until I had been divorced for a year. He said many changes would happen to me.

 

He was right! I look back and see I didn't even realize it!

[Touche]

Hi Bells, yes, we did have kids, which made the divorce very painful. I never wanted to have my children go through what I did when my parents split...

 

Engaged before divorce? Glad you girls found love again, but did it seem right to you to be engaged to be married before the other marriage was dissolved?

 

Of course it did, or I wouldn't have done it. It didn't seem wrong at all. If it weren't for the stupid "law" dictating that we had to be legally separated for a period of time, I would have been "legally" single the moment I walked out the door for the last time.

 

No judgment here, it's just that my boyfriend also proposed to me before his divorce was finalized....I told him to ask me again when he was legally free to ask me that question. I guess I felt we couldn't really be engaged until he was divorced. But, that was just me.

 

I can respect that. And to be honest, in general that's the wisest course. I just knew for us, it was the right way.

 

My divorce lawyer warned me against getting into a serious relationship until I had been divorced for a year. He said many changes would happen to me.

 

I generally would agree with that as well. Wise advice. I think your stage in life (among other things) has a lot to do with this though. Regarding my H and I, we knew exactly what we wanted and found it in each other. There was no need to wait.

 

He was right! I look back and see I didn't even realize it!

 

Glad it worked out for you. As for me, we've been married 13 years now and together 14 years next month.

[nicki]

Wow, 14 years! Congratulations!

 

You obviously found the love of your life. Lucky you. :love:

 

You give me hope that the second time around can be so happy.

[a4a]

Glad it worked out for you. As for me, we've been married 13 years now and together 14 years next month.

 

yeah congrats!

 

But you still can't take a proper shower with the man!

[Touche]

yeah congrats!

 

But you still can't take a proper shower with the man!

 

Hey, thanks guys. Very funny, on the shower. I know. Sheesh. But we've switched to baths.

 

Hey, Nicki. Keep the hope alive! It's a second marriage for both of us.

[a4a]

Hey, thanks guys. Very funny, on the shower. I know. Sheesh. But we've switched to baths.

 

Hey, Nicki. Keep the hope alive! It's a second marriage for both of us.

 

I would have to agree.... paper doesn't make the sep.

 

When you leave emotionally..... you know you are done- that is when it is real.

 

and Touchy -- I cannot bath with a man.... when it floats and bobs around I just have to giggle at them. Makes them feel bad. (now you are going to look and giggle during the next marital bath)

[Touche]

I would have to agree.... paper doesn't make the sep.

 

When you leave emotionally..... you know you are done- that is when it is real.

 

and Touchy -- I cannot bath with a man.... when it floats and bobs around I just have to giggle at them. Makes them feel bad. (now you are going to look and giggle during the next marital bath)

 

His don't float.

[D-Lish]

Wow....funny, alot of the people I've talked to have a strict policy of NOT dating "Separated" peoples.

 

Reason being is because

 

Then there are those numnuts who NEVER actually divorce....met this woman one time that has been separated for 8 years, and never actually divorcing (and had no intention to.)

 

What happens is a LEGIT single person gets in involved with them, then sometime down the road the OTHER spouse gets a hair and wants to reconcile their marriage. Or sometimes the other spouse finds out the one spouse is dating someone, and decides to "work on their marriage".

 

Though, this is not the point, I wanted to ask, if the other party is NOT wanting a divorced, are they still considered married?

 

Lately, I must've met about 4 or 5. "Separated" women, lately....they all seem to rationalize this for whatever reason that it's not a advisable to be dating while you're still married.

 

Yes...you're still considered a married woman/man when you're "separated."

 

Do you think it was wrong for her friend to try to set me up with her STILL married woman?

 

Raise hands, any SINGLE people would date a separated person??

 

I even asked her, "When are you actually getting the divorce" and she said, Well.....he's not wanting the divorce"

 

That tells ya something right there. LOL.

 

I think it COULD be considered deceitful if your friend had an inkling that her friend might have unresolved feelings. On the other hand, if she knew her friend was looking to move on- I don't think it was wrong.

 

Just because the husband was not willing to let her go, does not make her his property. That's how I look at it.

 

I did date a couple guys that were not comfortable that I wasn't divorced- I have a feeling they felt that because I wasn't divorced that I still "belonged" to another man. Their egos simply could not reconcile with that notion.

 

I certainly did not feel that way. There were many times I felt that I was judged unjustly for not trying to work on my marriage... Like him having a baby with another woman was something I should have overlooked and accepted.

 

Being seperated is often like living in a state of limbo- often that's a projection other people place upon you. I just think it's unfair to expect that because a person is seperated that they don't have a right to seek happiness with another person. I know that after the turmoil I experienced that I deserved to find some stability and happiness - even though the divorce was not final.

 

I was not pining to have my husband back- I was pining to move forward.

It sometimes made it hard to move forward when others didn't take me seriously because I was not yet legally divorced.

 

So all I can offer you is my own personal experience, and tell you that not all people who are seperated are hoping for reconciliation. Of course, if someone has strong views about not wishing to date a person who is not yet divorced- that's up to them... and it's not my place to convince them they are wrong for feeling that way.

 

Oh, and I am divorced now and have been for 5 years... but some men have a problem with me being divorced as well.

[carhill]

I am divorced now and have been for 5 years... but some men have a problem with me being divorced as well.

 

Thank goodness you got a clue early on as to their maturity level

[D-Lish]

Thank goodness you got a clue early on as to their maturity level

 

It's the look in their eyes more often than not Carhill....

You go from being in limbo, to being damaged goods. I can say that not having kids has made the transition much easier. It lessens the impact of the baggage some men might percieve you to have.

 

Many men do see divorce as baggage. Then again, as evident by many posts I have seen about men lamenting about their gf's sexual past... having a sexual past is also seen as baggage by some (women too- to be fair).

 

I think it's a matter of finding someone who accepts you for who and what you are. I won't accept anything less than that if I decide to get involved again. Take me, my past, my idiosyncratic behaviour... or don't.

[carhill]

That's the essence of a healthy relationship, finding compatibility amongst your life paths and accepting those paths as each other's truth.

 

I see the resistance every time my wife says "I wish you were normal" and, in myself, every time I grimace and mutter to myself when we're yet again late or when she plans my next week's work by aiming her car at every friggin pothole in the road

 

What was the topic again (as more parts for her car just arrived)?

[Trimmer]

Well, wonder what you think of this...I not only dated while still legally separated, I became engaged!

I don't necessarily argue against that - my whole premise is that if you withheld your status or deceived your partner to push your relationship along, that doesn't work for me. But as long as all your cards were honestly out on the table, I've got no issue with it.

 

I think it COULD be considered deceitful if your friend had an inkling that her friend might have unresolved feelings. On the other hand, if she knew her friend was looking to move on- I don't think it was wrong.

I guess I see it as similar to the question "If you had an affair and it was over for good, should you tell your spouse?" I know that inflames passions on both sides, and I don't want to sidetrack onto that question, except in the context of telling a date about your marital/separation/single status... But my feeling is that by not revealing the full truth, you are making the decision for your potential partner, instead of just very simply laying the truth out there and respecting them enough to make the decision for themselves.

 

If you are truly over it, why hide it, why not let it air out in the open? Is it because a potential date may be uneasy with that information? Then, like an affair, they aren't going to be any more happy learning about it later on - "oh, I deceived you to protect you..." If they are going to barf on that information, isn't it also to your advantage to know that, and to let them show their true colors sooner rather than later?

 

But if it's the kind of person you want - someone who will try to know you for who you truly are - then they will listen, understand, and it seems like it would be an advantage to trust them with the truth earlier.

 

I did date a couple guys that were not comfortable that I wasn't divorced- I have a feeling they felt that because I wasn't divorced that I still "belonged" to another man. Their egos simply could not reconcile with that notion.

I understand - so wouldn't you want to weed them out as soon as possible?

 

I was not pining to have my husband back- I was pining to move forward.

It sometimes made it hard to move forward when others didn't take me seriously because I was not yet legally divorced.

Well, I'll say that having been on the other side of it - who dated someone who gently backed off when she learned I was not divorced, even though I was sure - I still don't hold it against her. I figured it wasn't unreasonable that if I wanted to be taken seriously, I was willing to prove it by "finishing the job." How many times in relationships do we advise: "Actions, not words. It's not what they say, it's what they do..."

 

So I think there are people "out there" who would be willing to date someone who was separated and not divorced, and I wouldn't tell them they should be otherwise - hell, given the right woman, I'm probably one of them - but I'd be put off if someone hid her status and I got any feeling like it was because she didn't trust me with the truth, and respect me enough to allow me to make that decision for myself.

 

Oh, and I am divorced now and have been for 5 years... but some men have a problem with me being divorced as well.

Now, having been through the whole process myself, I figure that a divorced person has had an opportunity for a kind of intense change and growth that "normals" don't necessarily have. I believe that we humans would seldom build up sufficient motivation to create deep changes in ourselves, except for the advent of trauma. What I look for is: what have you done with that opportunity?

 

So I'm not put off by it at all; as a matter of fact, if I'm interested in someone who is divorced, I kind of look for the shared experience, and see if she has used it as fuel for positive change and growth. I would consider that a plus...

[D-Lish]

Well I can honestly say Trimmer- that I never witheld my status- and anyone that did have a problem with it- yes, I was thankful for the knowledge and happily moved on.