Separated people consider themselves officially single?

[Bells]

Warning LONG-------

 

 

 

 

I, quite frankly, didn’t know how to QUITE title this.

 

I am rather annoyed, and probably have a right to be…but this IS a rather juicy post. Lol

 

Remember the woman I told you about that was saying she was separated and was joining these “Singles” social groups?

 

Well, after I got that clarified with her, I thought it was cool and she said she was working things out with her husband…then I asked if she had any friends that were single…one in particular that I used to see her hanging around her all that the time.

 

And she goes, “Yes, she is single, and then encourages me to email her “single” friend and to mention her name.

 

So I emailed the “Single” woman, and we correspond back and forth via email…then I go to an event, and they were both there, I introduced myself and sat down next to the “Single” girl and talked a bit with her, there were other people around as well.

 

She mentions her “ex-husband” in conversation about something….I asked her if she had kids, and she said no she doesn’t, and I stated that, Hey, that’s cool, guess it’s great being single, right? And that’s when she goes, “Well, I’m not QUITE single. I was like “Huh? I thought you said EX-husband??”

 

And she goes, “Well, he doesn’t want a divorce, but I do. We are separated.”

 

And I go, “Ah….I see” *Insert Awkward Silence(

 

So, her friend lied to me. I sent her an email noting that.

 

I spoke to an actual married friend about this, and I asked him, when he was single did he ever date “Separated” women. And..this is getting it from a MARRIED Man’s perspective. He said, “I wouldn’t want my WIFE to be out foolin’ around with another man, until we’re COMPLETELY divorced.

 

See, he still considers her “his” spouse, and in a sense I can’t fault him for that. ESP. if he isn’t the one WANTING the divorce. A man still considers his woman “his” (not a piece of property, but of the heart) as long as they are still married.

 

He told me, “Man, there are BILLIONS of legit single women out there to fool around with..travel abroad, see the world…women, etc…no married women out there, have fun, etc etc, etc.

 

Then he said, “You don’t want find yourself at the end of a barrel of a gun either.”

 

With that said….this brings up even MORE topics in THIS thread. And I’m starting to notice a major trend these days.

 

People who refer to their Ex-husbands/wives, when they aren’t even divorced, then when you get to know them they BACKpeddle, and say…..:”Weeeelllll…we’re not TECHNICALLY divorced yet…..” then they stutter, stammer and stumble over themselves trying to explain themselves.

 

This kind of brings up an older post of mine….remember when I talked about how engaged people are starting to refer to themselves as “husband and wife”? And how silly I thought that was…since they are technically still on the market. Lol Or something to that effect.

 

Kind of the same situation here, but the opposite.

 

I remember a thread where someone said, “Well, you don’t need a piece of paper to tell you that you’re married.”

 

Then I heard someone in another post say, “You don’t need a piece of paper to tell you that you’re divorced.”

 

See the contradiction here?

 

If you don’t need a piece of paper to be considered married, and you don’t need a piece of paper to consider yourself divorced, then what does that make you?

[pretty professional]

It's all semantics, who cares, really. She's no longer with the guy and wants a divorce. You can take it or leave it, whatever.

[Bells]

It's all semantics, who cares, really. She's no longer with the guy and wants a divorce. You can take it or leave it, whatever.

 

Yeah, but HE doesnt want the divorce.

[Trialbyfire]

Bells, people will lie whether they call themselves single, separated, divorced or married. Buyer beware since married people lie about their married status. Separated people conveniently forget to tell people they're reconciling, etc., etc.

 

When I was separated, I called myself separated but technically single, since there was no way in hell I would remain married to him. Even 6 months after the divorce was final, I considered reconciliation for about 3 days. Thank goodness that was just a unusual bump in the road instead of driving backwards.

 

What I'm saying is that there are no guarantees in life. Check, check and double-check people. Even then, you might be surprised how many still get away with a lie.

[carhill]

Marriage is a legal partnership formed on the basis of 'love' and commitment. If not for the often lengthly period of settling legal and business matters, marriage dissolutions could and would be nearly as quick to effect as they were to establish, once the love and commitment is gone.

 

In most jurisdictions, a "legal separation" is essentially settling all matters of money and family without formally "ending" the marriage. The couple remains married on paper but lives and operates as two separate individuals. There may be many reasons for this. IMO, a couple which is legally separated is no more or less likely to "get back together" than a couple which is divorced. Both can reconcile/reunite, etc., in the emotional sense, since emotion (the one of love) of course obeys no laws or decrees Seriously, there are no guarantees in anything as long as humans are involved.

 

For myself, I would consider myself single once I had filed for divorce or legal separation and had proceeded to live separately from my wife. That doesn't mean I'd consider dating, but I wouldn't wear a wedding ring and would be open to the attentions and interests of women whom I might meet. I would no longer consider it "wrong" to entertain thoughts of being with another woman in the future.

 

BTW, the same "rule" would apply to my "wife". I would expect her to do whatever was healthy for her. Not my "problem"

[D-Lish]

The moment I found out my husband had gotten another woman pregnant- that marriage was over for me. I sold the house and moved.

I considered myself seperated and single, even though the divorce wasn't actually finalized for two years.

 

There was never going to be a reconciliation- I didn't want it.

 

I was always upfront with the guys I dated during that period- that I was seperated awaiting a divorce. The fact that my husband wasn't ready to follow through with the divorce was irrelevant.

 

A piece of paper does not bind you to loving that person...

A divorce document doesn't mean the two people immediately stop caring once it's been signed.

[Bells]

The moment I found out my husband had gotten another woman pregnant- that marriage was over for me. I sold the house and moved.

I considered myself seperated and single, even though the divorce wasn't actually finalized for two years.

 

There was never going to be a reconciliation- I didn't want it.

 

I was always upfront with the guys I dated during that period- that I was seperated awaiting a divorce. The fact that my husband wasn't ready to follow through with the divorce was irrelevant.

 

A piece of paper does not bind you to loving that person...

A divorce document doesn't mean the two people immediately stop caring once it's been signed.

 

Wow....funny, alot of the people I've talked to have a strict policy of NOT dating "Separated" peoples.

 

Reason being is because

 

Then there are those numnuts who NEVER actually divorce....met this woman one time that has been separated for 8 years, and never actually divorcing (and had no intention to.)

 

What happens is a LEGIT single person gets in involved with them, then sometime down the road the OTHER spouse gets a hair and wants to reconcile their marriage. Or sometimes the other spouse finds out the one spouse is dating someone, and decides to "work on their marriage".

 

Though, this is not the point, I wanted to ask, if the other party is NOT wanting a divorced, are they still considered married?

 

Lately, I must've met about 4 or 5. "Separated" women, lately....they all seem to rationalize this for whatever reason that it's not a advisable to be dating while you're still married.

 

Yes...you're still considered a married woman/man when you're "separated."

 

Do you think it was wrong for her friend to try to set me up with her STILL married woman?

 

Raise hands, any SINGLE people would date a separated person??

 

I even asked her, "When are you actually getting the divorce" and she said, Well.....he's not wanting the divorce"

 

That tells ya something right there. LOL.

[Bells]

The moment I found out my husband had gotten another woman pregnant- that marriage was over for me. I sold the house and moved.

I considered myself seperated and single, even though the divorce wasn't actually finalized for two years.

 

There was never going to be a reconciliation- I didn't want it.

 

I was always upfront with the guys I dated during that period- that I was seperated awaiting a divorce.

 

Did that stop them from asking you out?

[carhill]

I'd have no problem asking out a woman who was separated (legally) or in the divorce process and was living seperately. The test would be random access, in that she would be "available" and interested. No limitations other than work or children. Such would be a relationship that would evolve slowly, with commensurate disclosure. I would expect similar treatment from a woman who chose to socialize with me whilst I was in the process. I'd have no expectations of her of the "you and me forever" type.

[pretty professional]

It's really up to you who you date and it seems that you feel that separated is not single. There is no right or wrong answer. So just don't date someone unless they're divorced or never married. Simple.

[Bells]

Her friend tells me, "IT's funny that you never really inquired about wether she was actually interested in you...or not. LOL!"

[Bells]

It's amazing how such a cavelier attitude these ladies had about their spouses.

 

They were only married to them a couple of years....they were hot chicks from Brazil.

 

I asked one how long she's lived here, she said, "2 years" how long have you been married?" 2 years.

 

I put 2 and 2 together....."Green Card Marriages"

 

They came to this country, got married, got their citizenship....and now bathed in the glory of what we call freedom and the luxuries of our society....and they bailed on their marriage.

 

They didn't divorce because their husbands were abusive or cheaters, they just got tired of being with them.

 

Married, only a couple of years? Dang what's up with that?

 

It was amazing how they considered themselves "Single" when they actually weren't.

 

And not it's not perception, it's just a fact that she was still married.

 

I'm rather suprised we have people here who have a "I dont' date seperated men/women" policy.

 

No one on LS here has this policy? lol

[StartingOver07]

Bells,

 

There are different stages of "separated." Some people call themselves separated when they are no longer living together.

 

However, in my state, and in many others, there is something known as legal separation. In this status, legal papers are drawn up defining the distribution of assets, alimony and child support (if any), etc. In this case, separated = single. The IRS even recognizes people thus separated as single. In some states, this is a necessary step before divorce can be granted.

 

Ultimately, it comes down to intent. I'd say that anyone who is legally separated has evidenced sincere intent to be divorced, however, recomciliations can and do happen, even between those who are divorced.

[monkey00]

Some women are just messed in the head like this. Over the years I've met women who like to have a play on words...just because it's the way they're wired.

[KinAZ]

Not all separations are created equally. My parents separated because my father was cheating on my mother. My mother started dating the man she was seeing before him (yup, she jumped into a time machine for that one), and my father was still seeing his mistress.

 

After a few years past, they were still with their other people. My mom tried to get a divorce, didn't really want to pay a lawyer, and he wouldn't work with her till his other woman put her foot down I guess. This was after MORE than 10 years of separation when they divorced. Neither of them had any plans of getting back together, neither of them wanted to work anything out.

 

Some people are just lazy about the divorce...

 

Ironically, my divorce was the same way! I dated guys who had a problem when they learned I was separated. Even when I explained the situation, and that I was legally married, but no interest in the ex... it was a red flag to them.

 

Did I consider myself single? YES! And so did my ex-husband. The only time I was still "married" was when approached by someone I had no interest in. Similarly, my ex threw me in the faces of women at the time of his break-ups. Marriage can become a bit of a tool after years of separation. LOL

[Poncho]

My divorce is not final. Hopefully it will be in the next couple of months. I tell that to every woman I talk to, either that or that I am seperated. There is no shot at reconciliation, I tried. I refer to her as my EX wife, or soon to be ex wife. Sometimes even my son's mom. I wouldn't have a problem dating a woman that was in the same boat. Seperated is seperated. If the divorce is pending because of courts or whatever, then to me, it is final, just in limbo. That is my 2 cents, take it for what it's worth.

[nicki]

I dated when I was separated, and dated a guy who was separated himself.

 

Whoever said all separations are different is so very right!

 

This guy started dated (not me) while he still lived in the house with his soon to be "ex" wife. That's a big no no in my book.

 

I wouldn't date a "separated" guy who lives at home with his wife. He would need to be living on his own, hence the whole idea of "separately." He would also need to have filed for divorce, and be serious about it....

 

But, really, after all I went through, I'd have to say it's better to wait until the divorce is well on its way to getting finalized. It's a battle that can tear a couple apart.

 

I'd also make sure a "separated" person has filed for divorce, has no intention or hope of reconciling, and lives on his or her own. I'd also make sure they have a specific financial plan in place, ie, child support, spousal support, etc.

 

The guy I dated simply paid every bill his "ex" had. Hmmm, sounds like a "wife" to me.

[nicki]

Oh, and it took him 5 years to get divorced!

 

I got my divorce within two years, and was honest with the guys I dated about my serious desire to get it done, even though it took me longer since my ex fought it!

[Bells]

Oh, and it took him 5 years to get divorced!

 

I got my divorce within two years, and was honest with the guys I dated about my serious desire to get it done, even though it took me longer since my ex fought it!

 

Did you guys have kids?

[Krytie TV]

Well, it sounds to me like she told you pretty early she was married. What's the problem? What exactly did she owe you beyond the truth?

 

I know when I was separated I hated the fact that just because I was officially married (living 2500 miles away from my STBX) that made me "untouchable". Only the person in the situation can know where they stand. Unfortunately, that requires those around them to have to figure out if they are being honest or not. Separated people are not lepers, and are often just as eager to get on with their lives as others. Unfortunately that ugly "S" word can make it so difficult, until the divorce is final.

[Bells]

Well, it sounds to me like she told you pretty early she was married. What's the problem? What exactly did she owe you beyond the truth?

 

I know when I was separated I hated the fact that just because I was officially married (living 2500 miles away from my STBX) that made me "untouchable". Only the person in the situation can know where they stand. Unfortunately, that requires those around them to have to figure out if they are being honest or not. Separated people are not lepers, and are often just as eager to get on with their lives as others. Unfortunately that ugly "S" word can make it so difficult, until the divorce is final.

 

Yeah I know...esp. when the "Single never been marrieds" bump into them....you'd be suprised how many profiles I have seen of women with about 2 sentences of:

 

"No separated! This means, you must not be ALMOST divorced or "going through a divorce" or "almost there with the divorce" or "Just about to sign the papers" divorce..etc etc."

LOL

 

Yeah, we can be pretty harsh.

 

Just something about that "Closure".

[Trimmer]

When I was separated, I called myself separated but technically single...

Wouldn't that be "technically separated, but effectively single?" But I digress...

 

The main point for me isn't the label someone chooses to put on themselves, it's whether they are willing to clearly communicate their status (which, in spite of my joke, I think TBF was doing honorably in her comment above,) or whether they are using a label to hide their status for as long as possible to try to hook the fish before it gets away. (Which is kind of what it sounds like when you get the "Oh, weeeeeeeelllllll, not reeeaaaallly single, per se, in effect, you know, more like kinda sorta separated... blah blah blah..." line.)

 

I had a couple of low-key dates with a woman part way through my 3-year separation. I made sure it was clearly out on the table that we were not divorced. She asked me at some point whether there was any chance of reconciliation, and I answered a committed "no." Nonetheless, my not-yet-divorced status may have been enough for her to decide to back off, but I harbor no ill will for that; I feel it was my responsibility to be very clear with her, so that she could make her decision with the most accurate information.

 

My divorce is not final. Hopefully it will be in the next couple of months. I tell that to every woman I talk to, either that or that I am seperated. There is no shot at reconciliation, I tried. I refer to her as my EX wife, or soon to be ex wife. Sometimes even my son's mom. I wouldn't have a problem dating a woman that was in the same boat. Seperated is seperated. If the divorce is pending because of courts or whatever, then to me, it is final, just in limbo. That is my 2 cents, take it for what it's worth.

I agree with this. Again, as far as I'm concerned, you can call yourself what you want, as long as you are up front and clear about the facts of your status, and perhaps most importantly, you are not using your chosen label to hide or sidestep your true status.

[Trialbyfire]

Wouldn't that be "technically separated, but effectively single?" But I digress...

 

The main point for me isn't the label someone chooses to put on themselves, it's whether they are willing to clearly communicate their status (which, in spite of my joke, I think TBF was doing honorably in her comment above,) or whether they are using a label to hide their status for as long as possible to try to hook the fish before it gets away. (Which is kind of what it sounds like when you get the "Oh, weeeeeeeelllllll, not reeeaaaallly single, per se, in effect, you know, more like kinda sorta separated... blah blah blah..." line.)

 

I had a couple of low-key dates with a woman part way through my 3-year separation. I made sure it was clearly out on the table that we were not divorced. She asked me at some point whether there was any chance of reconciliation, and I answered a committed "no." Nonetheless, my not-yet-divorced status may have been enough for her to decide to back off, but I harbor no ill will for that; I feel it was my responsibility to be very clear with her, so that she could make her decision with the most accurate information.

Fine, lawyer me.

 

I agree. People should be clear. The sad reality is that people will do whatever it takes to hook the fish.

[Bells]

Wouldn't that be "technically separated, but effectively single?" But I digress...

 

The main point for me isn't the label someone chooses to put on themselves, it's whether they are willing to clearly communicate their status (which, in spite of my joke, I think TBF was doing honorably in her comment above,) or whether they are using a label to hide their status for as long as possible to try to hook the fish before it gets away. (Which is kind of what it sounds like when you get the "Oh, weeeeeeeelllllll, not reeeaaaallly single, per se, in effect, you know, more like kinda sorta separated... blah blah blah..." line.)

 

Exactly my point, it seems they were trying to hide the fact they were single...then you find out the REAL story, it does eventually "Slip out"...and sometimes it takes within a few minutes of a conversation.

 

I MIGHT get to know a separated woman, depending on the situation (like he's got a girlfriend he's living with and the divorce is days away) But if they are letting it linger, I won't touch her.

 

Also, if the husband refuses to sign the papers, doesn't want the divorce, don't want him huntin' my arse down either. lol Because MARRIED Men (Well, men who CONSIDERS their wife...well THEIR wife.....seem to get possessive, as opposed to just a girlfriend.....'cause....all THEY are thinking about is, "Till death do us part..." line in their vows...and some men take wedding vows VERY seriously....and a marriage carries MORE weight with them.

 

A girlfriend dumps them.....its no big thing.

 

Personally, I think they were just "Green Card" marriages.

 

In conclusion, I think I might have pissed them off, so the next time I see them, I probably won't be getting any WARM welcomes...BUT, I think I had the right to be a little peeved.

 

She got all pissy with me, by saying "I'm not going to argue about the definition of what marriage is and what divorce is....obviously we have 2 different meanings for it."

 

But THESE ladies made sure to hide their "Separation" status behind THEIR definition of a divorce....they are wrong....they are ...yes...MARRIED. And to introduce a legitimate SINGLE man to their Married friend (But saying they're single) is , well, I think a lie or at least deceitful.

 

 

And I said, "Okay, we'll just have to agree to disagree. :)"

 

Makes sense, right? But I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm an ass, but fine...let her think that.

[BentSpine]

The following is what phycho men cannot get into their subsized prefrontal cortex:

 

A partnership requires the continual determination of both partners.

That means that when one partner wants out, there is no relationship anymore. The only reason why the marriage isn't void immediately, is because of bureaucratic time-delay.