gonetildecember Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I need some sound advice. PLEASE read and give any input. For the past several weeks I've been engaged in a recurring confrontation with my SO about our time apart. About twice a week or so, whether we had prior plans or not, if one of his buddies call he will all of a sudden just drop everything for a "guys night" I have no problem with his time with his friends, but I do get upset when he changes/ conveniently forgets plans with me, because something came up with the guys. There is a clear lack of communication, I don't know if he's afraid to discuss with me that he is going out, but it always turns into an issue lately. He isn't big on planning or scheduling, and I understand things come up last minute, but I get upset when my plans repeatedly get cancelled and he doesn't CARE. It's as if we can reschedule anytime, because I'm his girl. I see him quite a lot. He comes over without invitations (this isnt a prob, he has keys) We are in uni and I have four roomates, two of whom date his friends, so when we are at either of our homes we have low to no personal time. It would just be nice to schedule and keep plans with him when we make them, but recently its turned into screaming matches because he cancels and I get upset and then that causes tension the next day or he just conveniently forgets or is unable to call to let me know he is going out or can't go out with me. and that leads to even more drama. I just want some communication and some respect for my time. He is taking me for granted. We've discussed it, no change. How can I change my actions so he realises we can't just fix the prob for two days then let it go back to drama again. He calls when he wants, comes over when he wants, changes plans whenever he wants. Otherwise hes an excellent bf, dedicated, dependable, affectionate, but when boys nights come up its..out of sight..out of mind for me and it sucks. HELP LS!
carhill Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I think you posted about what I call a silence sandwich in another thread. Ask him for the keys to your house back.....that oughta get his attention. Actions have consequences, and the end of easy and convenient access to you is a consequence I think is appropriate. Others might disagree. In any event, you need to take action. Talk isn't working.
Walk Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I think you should try talking to him one more time before you take action. But change how you talk to him and see if that opens things up some. Maybe focus more on identifying why he feels its appropriate to cancel at the last minute, and how he interprets your frustration as. Other then that, I'm all for turn about being fair play. If it's okay for him to cancel, then it's okay for you too. If he feels it's appropriate to do that to you, then set up some situations where he's left in the lurch. Side effect of that.. if it honestly doesn't bother him when you cancel a plan on him, then no amount of talk would ever get your point across. Or he may realize how that makes a person feel and adjust his behavior long term. However, if he see's no problem, won't take your feelings into consideration, then maybe it is time to do as Carhill suggested...
Author gonetildecember Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 I agree, talking isn't working. But I'm not sure if taking back his keys is as drastic as I want to take it. Do other posters agree with Walk on this one? I know his easy access to me is what makes things so nonchalent for him. We live 3 mins away, he calls when he wants, comes over when he wants and then switches plans on me for others when he wants. i have no say and i dont want to make things work by restricting communication which further will diminish our time together...but i dont want this issue to pop back up next weekend. get what im saying?
carhill Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 OP, just so you know, I didn't have the keys to my wife's house, ever, and she didn't have the keys to mine until we got married (she moved). Your BF has a privilege, not only being with you, but also having access to your home. He's not respecting or caring about your feelings here. Being disrespectful of your time is not insignificant. Neither should the consequences. You've identified a basic personality trait of his. Is it compatible? Can he change behaviors to better validate your feelings? Unknown. The status quo is known and evidently unpleasant. What are you going to do?
Author gonetildecember Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 He is terrible with communication. He admits this. But after a year, I think it should at least be better. The argument usually gets so wrapped up in other little trivial issues, that it takes the focus off of the keys problem... LACK OF COMMUNICATION. He often forgets to call, changes plans if something with the boys come up, or just assumes we can reschedule... i just want him to be in my shoes for a bit... to want to get at me and not be able to reach me. I've tried discussing, pleading, attempting to compromise...so now I want to attempt to help him understand with my actions.
carhill Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 You know, the LS ladies once told me I treated my wife like a child, always picking up after her, fixing her screw-ups, taking responsibility for her behaviors. They broke me of that habit. It's not as pleasant around the carhill household these days but at least I'm getting some of the respect I deserve. It was up to me to take it and command it. Just as it is up to you
Author gonetildecember Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 I know.. he has it to easy. He's so used to me always gving in and calling, things going back to normal right away.. i just want to spend time with him so i give in everytime. I KNOW i have to stop. its just so hard when i dont see results to keep me motivated. im scared to lose him.
pretty professional Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I agree with you 100%. I think you posted about what I call a silence sandwich in another thread. Ask him for the keys to your house back.....that oughta get his attention. Actions have consequences, and the end of easy and convenient access to you is a consequence I think is appropriate. Others might disagree. In any event, you need to take action. Talk isn't working.
norajane Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 He is terrible with communication. He admits this. But after a year, I think it should at least be better. The argument usually gets so wrapped up in other little trivial issues, that it takes the focus off of the keys problem... LACK OF COMMUNICATION. He often forgets to call, changes plans if something with the boys come up, or just assumes we can reschedule... i just want him to be in my shoes for a bit... to want to get at me and not be able to reach me. I've tried discussing, pleading, attempting to compromise...so now I want to attempt to help him understand with my actions. Is it really lack of communication that is your problem? Sounds like you've communicated plenty. He's not listening.
Walk Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 He is terrible with communication. He admits this. But after a year, I think it should at least be better. The argument usually gets so wrapped up in other little trivial issues, that it takes the focus off of the keys problem... LACK OF COMMUNICATION. He often forgets to call, changes plans if something with the boys come up, or just assumes we can reschedule... i just want him to be in my shoes for a bit... to want to get at me and not be able to reach me. I've tried discussing, pleading, attempting to compromise...so now I want to attempt to help him understand with my actions. I think you might need to think about how you are excusing his behaviors. You basically said in your post that your bf simply forgets that you two had plans. That's a very nice way to look at the situation, but seriously... I highly doubt he's "forgetting" he had plans with you. I could see it if it was occasional... a once every 10th time kind of thing. But the way you talk, it sounds as if he's convienently forgetting ALL the time. He's not forgetting. He's being an ass. He puts his wants ahead of yours. Since taking back the keys isn't really an option, I'd suggest clearly stating to him the very next time you speak to him that you expect him to honor his plans with you. If he needs to change plans, then he will call you in advance to let you know about the cancellation. He'll disregard everything you just said because so far you've said a great deal of things and nothing has happened to cause him to rethink his actions. So, next time he "forgets" to cancel, changes plans and goes about his normal routine.. then immediate tell him "You didn't talk to me about changing the plans and I won't tolerate that". Don't let him spill excuses. Heck, don't give him a chance to say anything.. shut the door on him, hang up the phone, whatever. Break contact immediately. Don't talk to him for the remainder of the day. Next time you see him, clearly give him the rules for how you wish him to handle changes in plans, and define the repercussions if he can't respect you enough to follow those. Yeah it'll suck for a while until he figures out you're serious. He'll test you, and things will get bad. But the alternative is you do nothing, and you become so resentful of the treatment that eventually you'll never want to see him again anyway. You can wait until that occurs, or you can take measures now to put your relationship back on more even footing. You're not fighting for something you want out of selfishness, you're fighting to keep the relationship alive and together. You're fighting for something that will benefit both of you in the long term.
Lucky_One Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I know.. he has it to easy. He's so used to me always gving in and calling, things going back to normal right away.. i just want to spend time with him so i give in everytime. I KNOW i have to stop. its just so hard when i dont see results to keep me motivated. im scared to lose him. In love, there is always one who kisses, and always one who offers the cheek. [French proverb] He is your priorty; you are not his. Take Carhill's advice.
Siciliana Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 he isnt going to communicate with you if you scream at him... that is probably why he doesnt tell you what's going on
Ruby Slippers Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 In love, there is always one who kisses, and always one who offers the cheek. [French proverb] He is your priorty; you are not his. Agreed. He is taking you for granted and rudely canceling plans because he knows he can get away with it. I suggest you get your keys back and start spending more time on girls' nights out.
BlueEyedGirl Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I don't know how you can put this down to simple lack of communication. To me it sounds like he is on his way out of the relationship.
Author gonetildecember Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 I don't know how you can put this down to simple lack of communication. To me it sounds like he is on his way out of the relationship. I saw its lack of communication because it only happens occasionally. Once or twice a week max. For the most part i see him everyday. We talk everyday. He usually sleeps here 4 days out of the week. It isn't that he's out of it or it happens all the time. It seems to only be about boys night. All of a sudden he just drops our plans, tells me at the last minute.. its just irritating.. and its so fixable. The reason I wanted to be proactive and not simply take the keys away is because I am a big part of the problem. I am very affectionate: call and text often. He is not and never has been in terms of communication. I always make myself available and he has gotten used to these bad habits. I dont want to blame it on him, cuz i too enjoy spending lots of time with him, i just think its unfair that its always on his terms. he wants to see me a lot but it seems like if some better plan comes up he will drop ours or just not tell me cuz hes afraid ill complain.
Author gonetildecember Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 he isnt going to communicate with you if you scream at him... that is probably why he doesnt tell you what's going on its true. and i do nag but im just so frustrated this is still an issue. this has been our nly prob since the beginning. it always makes small progress then goes back to normal.
carhill Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 His basic personality is not going to change. His style of affection is very unlikely to change without desire and likely therapy. Can you accept him the way he is in these regards? If not, get those keys back. It's a lot cheaper than blaming yourself and dealing with a divorce over such incompatibilities down the road. If you truly have incompatible affection and emotional styles, I'm here to tell you that you're in for a life of frustration and despair. Ask me how I know
Author gonetildecember Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 See the thing is that in all other aspects we are largely compatible. He is affectionate,relaible, dependable and there.. Its only when his boys (a group of friends who he has grown up with his entire life, and they are now all at our school in another country) come up with something, he is hesitant to tell me he's going out, and it usually turns into an argument. Either cuz he cancels with me,sometimes last minute, he forgets to call , etc...Its just whn he's going out with the guys.
carhill Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Imagine that behavior continuing for the rest of his life. Can you accept it? Wrt to compatibility, it's not the gross overview, it's the details. Of course you have sex all the time; of course he's affectionate. You're young and having sex all the time. He's getting what he wants, including your companionship. Tell me about one frustration he has with you, not including any "nagging" you do about this current issue. There has to be one. Be honest
Author gonetildecember Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 Imagine that behavior continuing for the rest of his life. Can you accept it? Wrt to compatibility, it's not the gross overview, it's the details. Of course you have sex all the time; of course he's affectionate. You're young and having sex all the time. He's getting what he wants, including your companionship. Tell me about one frustration he has with you, not including any "nagging" you do about this current issue. There has to be one. Be honest 1. That this issue always comes up when he goes out with the guys. - I call him or just don't understand that he wanted space was the issue that came up yesterday. Yet he only mentions this when one of the guys call and have a plan. Even if we have plans, he drops them. Or waits until 11pm to tell me he's going out with them, after telling me for the entire day he's gonna come over after school. I get upset. He will all of a sudden just not call, if I call he is quiet and dismissive, and then he will go out for the entire night and sleep til like 4pm next day. Not a call, doesn't answer calls in between and this is usually after him saying Baby I'll call you before I leave or when I get back. I just want him to follow thru and this turns into an argument. I want him to tell me he's actually going out instead of scapegoating and saying he's going to pick something up then just stay out all night,because something came up and we didnt have solid plans. Maybe I'm asking too much, but I think that if he just said Baby something came up with the guys, canwe reschedule....or just said Baby I'm chilling with the guys tonight upfront and was honest about it, we wouldnt argue. But he FORGETS to do that every single time!!!!
carhill Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 This is important, and then I'll bow out and invite you to process... Has he ever sat you down to have a "talk" about needs/wants of his which haven't been met in your relationship. We both know you're not perfect. None of us is I want to hear about something other than this issue with the guys. Forget it exists. What I'm trying to determine here is his position in your relationship dynamic. What I'm sensing here so far is a "go with the flow" guy who is eminently passive. If I'm right, there are a lot of behaviors of this personality type which are yet to be seen, as you're both young. I need to see that he's actively invested and involved and communicative. I'm not seeing that yet. OK, with that, have a pleasant Sunday. I'm replacing MIL's toilet today.
Author gonetildecember Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 This is important, and then I'll bow out and invite you to process... Has he ever sat you down to have a "talk" about needs/wants of his which haven't been met in your relationship. We both know you're not perfect. None of us is I want to hear about something other than this issue with the guys. Forget it exists. What I'm trying to determine here is his position in your relationship dynamic. What I'm sensing here so far is a "go with the flow" guy who is eminently passive. If I'm right, there are a lot of behaviors of this personality type which are yet to be seen, as you're both young. I need to see that he's actively invested and involved and communicative. I'm not seeing that yet. OK, with that, have a pleasant Sunday. I'm replacing MIL's toilet today. Other than this, we get along very well. -He is dedicated- picks me up from school everyday, I usually see him everyday. -We spend a considerable amount of time together and are very insinct. -This is the problem, has been for the past little while. The only other thing that has come up in our relationship that he has with me is that I don'tgo outas much as I used to. When we met I was constantly out with gf's and sometimes he mentions that I don't talk to them as much or go out with them as much. Hasn't come up much. He is very laid back and passive. Non-confrontational, but after he gives me time to settle down, he will always call. I hate settling down, I like fixing or trying to fix right away. I just wish he put in more effort, but I've spoiled him for so long and put in 110%, that he's used to this and he knows I will give in to fix things. I dont want to do that this time. I want him to work for it, and prove he cares. He says he does, can he show me.
quankanne Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I want him to tell me he's actually going out instead of scapegoating and saying he's going to pick something up then just stay out all night,because something came up and we didnt have solid plans. Maybe I'm asking too much, but I think that if he just said Baby something came up with the guys, canwe reschedule....or just said Baby I'm chilling with the guys tonight upfront and was honest about it, we wouldnt argue. But he FORGETS to do that every single time!!!! and I know.. he has it to easy. He's so used to me always gving in and calling, things going back to normal right away.. i just want to spend time with him so i give in everytime. I KNOW i have to stop. its just so hard when i dont see results to keep me motivated. im scared to lose him. THAT is why he can get away with what he's doing – because you're allowing him to, for fear of losing the relationship. And no solid relationship is built in fear. you don't want to be "mean" by taking back his key, thus not allowing him "easy access" to you, yet you cannot understand why he lacks the common courtesy to alert you to changes in plans. think about it, very, very carefully. you ALLOW him to treat you this way because you REFUSE to make a stand. How is he going to get the message that you're not there for his every whim when you don't *show* him? Sometimes you've just got to do the very thing you don't want to in order to make a stance, and you've got to stick with it so that things can change for the better. and until you do, he's going to keep doing this to you, treating you like a mattress, because he thinks it's allowable.
Author gonetildecember Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 To answer your question, I think that it is a good way to see if he really cares. I mean if he really cares about you, he'll at least call you everyday. See how much he thinks about you by just not calling. Right now it's him who is sititng back and doing what you're talking about, not contacting you while you wait for him to contact you. So if he doesn't call, you're seeing what you mean to him. I think it's a great idea to try. That's exactly what I think. If I just don't initiate any contact, I'll see if he consistenly picks up the pace for like a week. My only question is what to do when he calls, do I just say ya i can see you today. (now that its convenient for him and he's done with his random boys weekend)
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