is silence really golden?

[Walk]

He pretty much drops any plans with you the second his buddies call. He is saying they mean more to him than you and your feelings and wanting to spend time with you and keep plans with you. You're basically providing him sex in between times. He keeps calling you because you keep providing easy sex. Your his 4 nights a week booty call sex provider. Cut him off for a couple weeks and see what happens.

 

Bad call (cutting him off). It corrupts the shared intimacy, the trust, and the enjoyment of sex.

 

Now, if a person wants to destroy a relationship, then the quickest way is to turn sex into a thing to be exploited or hoarded.

[carhill]

I would agree that this situation shouldn't have bearing on sexual intimacy, as long as that intimacy is voluntary. I will say, however, when a man loses attraction and/or love due to relationship issues, it is exceedingly difficult to "fake" it wrt sex. Contrary to what some women believe, we're not unfeeling robots. Similarly, I would not want my wife to 'fake it' if she wasn't feeling attraction for me and just have sex for the sake of the relationship.

 

The OP sounds like she still loves her man very much and is grasping for reasonable means to have an equitable and loving relationship. She sounds a lot like I did a few years ago before my love died. I hope she is more successful

[gonetildecember]

He pretty much drops any plans with you the second his buddies call. He is saying they mean more to him than you and your feelings and wanting to spend time with you and keep plans with you. You're basically providing him sex in between times. He keeps calling you because you keep providing easy sex. Your his 4 nights a week booty call sex provider. Cut him off for a couple weeks and see what happens.

 

But its not like that. There are nights we dont have sex. When he stays over we usually spend the evening together after school. How is that just a booty call?

[gonetildecember]

Bad call (cutting him off). It corrupts the shared intimacy, the trust, and the enjoyment of sex.

 

Now, if a person wants to destroy a relationship, then the quickest way is to turn sex into a thing to be exploited or hoarded.

 

I agree, thats why I dont want to do the cut off. I dont think it will help things in the long run,only create more tension and less resolution. But i do think that me diminishing my effort

-letting him call me

-not inviting him for sleepovers or out at all

-let him start taking initiative

 

...but what i dont want is for things to go back to normal.. him call tomorrow and come over, now that his boys arent busy and im just there... i want to teach him a lesson, my time is valuable

 

but isnt it wrong to

- not answer his calls

-avoid him

-essentially play games?

 

has anyone ever been in this situation, craved attention and didnt want to be taken for granted? what did u do? did it work? did it fail?

[gonetildecember]

I would agree that this situation shouldn't have bearing on sexual intimacy, as long as that intimacy is voluntary. I will say, however, when a man loses attraction and/or love due to relationship issues, it is exceedingly difficult to "fake" it wrt sex. Contrary to what some women believe, we're not unfeeling robots. Similarly, I would not want my wife to 'fake it' if she wasn't feeling attraction for me and just have sex for the sake of the relationship.

 

The OP sounds like she still loves her man very much and is grasping for reasonable means to have an equitable and loving relationship. She sounds a lot like I did a few years ago before my love died. I hope she is more successful

 

Thanks for the well wishes. I am trying to just make things better- improve our trust, communication,understanding.

 

Sex is great. Like we never go more than two days without having it. thats one thing that never suffers..and its very genuine and passionate and loving, this isnt about losing interest.

 

he just wants his "boys" time cuz we do spend a lot of time together, but he never lets me know.. he ditches me, or makes up a half ass story right before they head out and it just makes me feel ****ty. if he was up front and not so shady about it, we wouldnt argue!!!!

[Lishy]

Hi Gone

 

I had the self same problem with my ex!

 

We were together for 2 years and he was always unreliable and would go do his own thing without even telling me, he even used to turn his phone off sometimes.

 

Now, I got confused as he would be great, and I mean great for a period of time and then he would be at my house and make an excuse to go out and then just not come back! He didnt do it often enough for me to realise for quite some time as he always had a great excuse and I have a busy life and am not a needy person at all. Then one day it hit me how much I cold not rely on him

 

He would cancel plans at the last minute and there was 2 occasions that I had got a baby sitter for my child and he didnt turn up!

 

Ok I tried everything ... I ignored him, I spoke to him, I shouted at him, I did the same back to him and NOTHING worked becaue I am a reliable person, when I say something I follow through, and to do all of these things did not come naturally to me.

 

We split up time after time but I love him and would want it to work so I would take him back and it would start the circle again!

 

This man was 38 not 20 and he has been like this all his life (his exes vouch for that) He will never change and one day I woke up and smelled the coffee and ended it

 

Now my life is sweet and I do not have to cram my brain with wondering and I dont have to deal with the lack of communication and unreliability.

 

Yes, I mis him BUT I certainly do not miss his unreliability!

_

 

_____________________________________

Say what you mean and mean what you say!!

[gonetildecember]

Hi Gone

 

I had the self same problem with my ex!

 

We were together for 2 years and he was always unreliable and would go do his own thing without even telling me, he even used to turn his phone off sometimes.

 

Now, I got confused as he would be great, and I mean great for a period of time and then he would be at my house and make an excuse to go out and then just not come back! He didnt do it often enough for me to realise for quite some time as he always had a great excuse and I have a busy life and am not a needy person at all. Then one day it hit me how much I cold not rely on him

 

He would cancel plans at the last minute and there was 2 occasions that I had got a baby sitter for my child and he didnt turn up!

 

Ok I tried everything ... I ignored him, I spoke to him, I shouted at him, I did the same back to him and NOTHING worked becaue I am a reliable person, when I say something I follow through, and to do all of these things did not come naturally to me.

 

We split up time after time but I love him and would want it to work so I would take him back and it would start the circle again!

 

This man was 38 not 20 and he has been like this all his life (his exes vouch for that) He will never change and one day I woke up and smelled the coffee and ended it

 

Now my life is sweet and I do not have to cram my brain with wondering and I dont have to deal with the lack of communication and unreliability.

 

Yes, I mis him BUT I certainly do not miss his unreliability!

_

 

 

___Say what you mean and mean what you say!!

 

 

 

Hi Lishy

And thats why its so frustrating... its just when he goes out with the guys. Its not that he turns off the phone, it is on, but eh doesn't use it and I don't want to be calling him down all night when he has some alone time.

 

He just like seems to have ADD when it comes to just telling me he has other plans, or doesn't want to do anything.. or he will wait until last minute and just make it seem more important and necessary. BUt I am also always available,maybe thats why he feels it ok to drop plans with me.

[foreverlove06]

Guys or Girls, when in an argument or "tense period" with your SO, does their silent treatment get to you? Or does them calling and trying to discuss it more effective? What does it take for you to cave in and call them?

 

At first I enjoy the silence because I'm upset. Usually when we're talking and I'm getting mad at him (or vice versa.. But not usually lol) I tend to get quiet. I do this to prevent myself from saying things I dont mean.. And he reciprocates by getting quiet also. I try to drop it for the time being. But eventually I MUST talk about it or else I'll go nuts... but only when I've reached the point where I can discuss it rather than get pissy about it. It doesnt take much for me to cave in...

[Trialbyfire]

gtd, just sit down with him and talk it over. Explain to him that you're tired of making all the plans and tired of his lack of respect, not so much that he needs time with the boys but that he doesn't bother to give you a heads-up. If he wants to see you, he can make the plans. If he does make plans, he'd better stick to them with you. Then, if he doesn't follow through, you can hold him accountable for it as harshly as you see fit.

 

How can he respect you if you don't assert/respect yourself?

[Lishy]

I dont know what else to say other than talk to him and see if it helps! I wish it had helped me but I spoke till I was blue in the face!

[gonetildecember]

gtd, just sit down with him and talk it over. Explain to him that you're tired of making all the plans and tired of his lack of respect, not so much that he needs time with the boys but that he doesn't bother to give you a heads-up. If he wants to see you, he can make the plans. If he does make plans, he'd better stick to them with you. Then, if he doesn't follow through, you can hold him accountable for it as harshly as you see fit.

 

How can he respect you if you don't assert/respect yourself?

 

Thanks for the post TBF

I called him and we discussed it last night. I tried to bring up all the little points. Wasn't the best conversation, he brought up points and I did, and for a few things he still sees it as not doing anything wrong, but for the most part he claims to have realised the mistake, apologized for it and says that he is trying to makes steps to change and be more considerate and communication.

 

He brought up that in times like this he just needs space. We spend a lot of time together, mostly on his account, and sometimes he just wants to chill out, and boys are spur of the moment so he usually doesn'tknow until last minute. Then I end up calling all the time or whatever, so he still feels he isnt getting the space. I explained to him that I would not have to call if he actually cancelled prior plans with me or let me know he had plans that night.

 

It ended amicably and he said he still wanted to see me that night, as he hadnt all weekend. I was feeling better and said ok we can watch a movie. He said ok Im finishing up this game with my roomate,so ill call you when im done. An hour and a half later I was on my way home, and called to see if he wanted a ride over. He said that they were still deep in game and I could tell that he still wanted more time. NOW STUPIDLY i said, do you want to just stay there playing videogames and reschedule. And he hesitated and then said is that ok, and I was like yeah i guess if thats what u want to do. I NEVER thought after this whole issue and not seeing me for days that he would just switch plans with me. I really wanted to see him, but I was not about to beg for time,I wanted to see what would happen when I left him on his own. So that was the end of it and he said he would call me before bed.

 

I sent a text to a friend, telling her my plans changed yet again and that i wud swing by her. I accidently sent it to him. He called,and was mad about the "changed yet again" comment, saying that I said it was ok if he played video games. THE BOY JUST TALKED ABOUT RESPECTING SPACE,was i gonna say no don't stay with your friends, come here and see me even though you could prioritize and come to that decision yourself? So i told him, you asked for respecting space, i knew you wanted to play, so i asked if you wanted to cancel plans. You said yes. He continued to speak in a sad voice as if i had offended him, by telling someone my plans changed yet again. I can see what he's getting at, that i should not have put it like that if it was cool with me,but he's not 5!!!! he could have come over himself, im no ones mother and im not gonna force them. WAS I wrong to do that? Even after this and me saying, yes I want you to come over, but if thats what u wanna do its fine, he still stayed there. It was only about 11 and he lives 5 mins by bus away. His brother who lives with him came over here to see his gf,and told him he was leaving, he didnt make an effort to come.

 

AM I ASKING FOR TOO MUCH, OR IS THE FACT THAT I WANT HIM TO DO THIS ON HIS OWN CONFUSING HIM? or would any other logical person realise i can go see my gf without her begging me....what am i doing wrong??

 

I know I have to do something to shock him into action, but im so clueless at this point, i need like play by play breakdown here. help?

[Lishy]

Well hon, you are damned if you do and damned if you dont

 

Had you told him that you did not care that he was enjoying the game and you still wanted to see him he would have come over and let it be known that he wanted to be with his boys playing computer games

 

Who wants to force a guy to see them? Not me, and not you either!

 

You have told him how you feel and even though you probably should have not asked him if he wanted to change plans he still should have known that after your chat you feel bad when he lets you down and changes plans so it should not have been an isue to start with

 

I do not believe that a healthy relationship is when one demands from another so why shold you demand to see him when he obviously is happy changing plans?

 

He will not change you know? I spent a year feeling how you do BUT because it is only minor things you do not see it until it smacks you in the face

 

I think you have 2 options, accept him how he is or don't!

[carhill]

Get the keys back

[Lucky_One]

I'm like carhil - get the keys back.

 

And please post all your stuff on one thread. I never know which one of your threads I have replied to, and it makes me feel that you ignore the response.

 

But all in all, he doesn't want to spend the time with you. When a man would rather spend time playing Guitar Hero with his buddy instead of see his GF that he hasn't seen for a weekend, it is very telling about what motivates and excites him.

 

And if something is NOT ok with you, then tell him that it is NOT ok. You told him it was ok, and he did what he wanted to do.

[Trialbyfire]

gtd, the entire loop just replayed all over again, even though he said he would try and you said you would try.

 

He made plans with you, didn't call so you called him (you took responsibility for his actions). He did the same thing, hemmed and hawed, so you gave him an out (didn't hold him accountable). Yes, he got the text and then held you accountable for the tone.

 

No matter how much we care about someone, we can't always be the person taking responsibility for the relationship working. He has to hold up his end and you have to let him make it or break it. To tie that into what happened, don't call next time. Let him call you. If he doesn't, he's just giving you lipservice about trying.

[gonetildecember]

gtd, the entire loop just replayed all over again, even though he said he would try and you said you would try.

 

He made plans with you, didn't call so you called him (you took responsibility for his actions). He did the same thing, hemmed and hawed, so you gave him an out (didn't hold him accountable). Yes, he got the text and then held you accountable for the tone.

 

No matter how much we care about someone, we can't always be the person taking responsibility for the relationship working. He has to hold up his end and you have to let him make it or break it. To tie that into what happened, don't call next time. Let him call you. If he doesn't, he's just giving you lipservice about trying.

 

 

UGH! I'm terrible at this. I'm such a doormat.

Anyways today is a new day and I'm hoping I started it out right. He just called and asked what I was up to and if I had plans for later. He asked if it I wanted him to come over later,if it was ok with me. I said that would be fine.

 

Now, do I bring it up. Or just try to enjoy the moment. i'm still feelin a little tense as I haven't seen him for days and have all this annoyance and tension still lingering because of the weekends drama. I don't want to dwell though or make things worse.

[9Lives]

It's not a long period of time,it's only been a few hours.. but I at this point just feel that some sort of distance/NC is necessary in order for anything to change, but I also don't want to make things worse.

 

He knows I am frustrated with him, but instead of following thru with plans and spending time with me, he chose to go out with friends again. When he returns tomorrow, he will want to talk and see me because he hasnt all weekend, but on his terms. And it is always ALWAYS like this. No respect for my time, plans. I love that he is here and always popping in to visit me and my roomies, but when we have plans i also expect him to follow thru.

 

I dont like games, but I'm sick of this recurring problem.

 

I want to use whatever means necessary for him to realise he cant just have me when he wants me and when there is nothing better to do. I want him to have to chase me, because I am sick of chasing him. I dont want this to be an issue anymore.

 

He dont respect your relationship ...his terms....that is the key.....his terms. I dont think this is a good relationship. It sounds like it is all about him

[9Lives]

The thing is things with us are perfect during the week or when the boys don' have a last minute plan.. so thats why im hesitant to go on a break. Its gone on this long partly due to my behaviour as well..because I always just forgive him and then go back to spoiling him a couple days later...and when it repeats i get frustrated again.

 

I just want him to get me. make me a priority. make me feel somewhat important..and like he wants me. IM FU**IN exhausted or working for him.

 

You need a break. This guys does whatever he wants, when he wants. This is definately all about him.

 

You are weak. I have been there before. You need to leave him alone. He still wants to be single even if he cares for you....It isnot enough. He is going to keep doing it

[9Lives]

Lol. maybe you've read to much into the issue. im his girfriend.

we sleep together 4 out of 7 nights a week.

i speak to him throughout the day.

we speak everyday

we know and are involved with each others families and friends

we have a very good relationship, we just have a communication issue regarding going out without each other.. whether due to trust, or habits in previous relationships. its not a question of booty call, i just want him to realise that communication goes a long way.. it would save us so much stress.

 

I totally agree with "pretty professional". I have walked a mile in your shoes. Your his girlfriend but your are convenient. There are several problems you are dealing with.

 

One...He dont really respect you.

Two...You are the sideline regular.

Three..You aint go a life outside him enough for him to worry about what you are doing

Four..You aint got no backbone....he is going to keep playing you this way cause you aint going to do anything about it.

 

Something has to change cause he dont really respect you. It is not going to be a happy relationship. Its the boys now....but next...come chic.

[RecordProducer]

My H used to give me the silent treatment when upset with me. Sometimes several hours, or even days. Very frustrating. The one thing I found that worked was to go about my life doing the things *I* wanted to do. Instead of waiting for him to talk to me, I put effort into doing things that would make me feel happier. I went out with friends, or visited with family. I did things that were inheriently me, that helped me reconnect with who I am as an individual.

 

I didn't give him the silent treatment back, I just didn't "play" the game. If he was serious about talking then he could reach me, if he was initiating contact just to see if I was still waiting around for him, then I ignored it.

 

I started doing it that way because the other way was too painful, made me feel like I was begging for his attention, and made me feel really low. When I stopped playing and put that energy into doing things I enjoyed doing it helped me feel more confident, and allowed me time to focus on what I wanted in my life. Otherwise I was spending a lot of energy crawling after something simply because it was denied me. I hate being manipulated, and the silent treatment is an easy way to get someone to do what you want.

 

I think you need better boundaries... or rather, more clearly defined boundaries. He isn't respecting yours (based on the two threads you created).

Wow! I could have written this myself. Let me just add about my case: when he would be ready to cut the ST - I guess because he'd estimate I was punished enough, which was the third day - I would continue with the ST. He'd come ome and say "hi" and I'd turn my head away from him. THAT made him stop the ST, because he realized that I was shooting back.

 

Amazingly, I learned this from my SIL, when we still talked. She said her husband was doing the same thing to her (well our husbands are twins). One day he told her "I am not going to speak with you for 5 days!" (or something lie that) and she told him "Is that so? Well, I am not going to speak with you for 10 days!"

 

I recently heard that you should put them in your shoes - do to them what they do to you. I looked backed and realized that every time I did this instinctively, it worked. The first time I noticed this was when I didn't like how my husband pronounced my name. All my explanations didn't work - he just enjoyed to piss me off. After many, many futile attempts, I started calling him by his full name, which he HATES (he goes by his nickname). It only took me 2-3 times to say it. He never called me the way I didn't want to be called again.

 

I like the boundaries suggestion. My biggest advice, of course, is to get out of a relationship with a manipulator, but if you must stay for whatever reason, play their game. You will definitely win because they do to you what they think will work with you in order to straighten you out and those are the things that would work with THEM.

 

Walk, you mentioned getting reconnected with yourself during the ST. I just realized,

whenever we feel alone gainst the world, we reconnect with ourselves. Those are good moments for us precisely because they hurt most. The child in us seeks comfort and we find it nowhere, so we turn to the right person - awake the mature person in us.

 

Anyway, I think the OP is thinking about giving her partner a silent treatment. Don't, it will backfire on you.

[carhill]

I don't think she has the tools or temperment to do the ST on her BF, any more than I could shut up for 10 seconds

 

Jingle, jingle, put those keys in your pocket and keep the dialog open. Communication and consequences. Very powerful "C's"

[Lishy]

Carhill is being spot on and please dont bother playing games with a man like this, I tried everything and nothing works

 

You put up, shut up or walk away

 

Your choice!