gonetildecember Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Guys or Girls, when in an argument or "tense period" with your SO, does their silent treatment get to you? Or does them calling and trying to discuss it more effective? What does it take for you to cave in and call them?
carhill Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Silence allows the emotions of the moment to subside and a more calm perspective to regain center. Escalation is arrested and further insults (if prone to them) are ended. I don't contact until I feel positive about it. Even when married. Fortunately, for me, that isn't long. Lots of practice
Author gonetildecember Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 I find the silence so frustrating. It drives me crazy to just let things sit without a resolution. The discussing isn't helping though. Does disappearing for a few dates get a guys attention? Just being scarce?
carhill Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 IME, if he cares about you, regardless of the content of the disagreement, he'll (assuming he) contact you. When he does, if you feel positive about that, engage him. If you don't, suggest more time. I would only purposely ignore someone I didn't wish to have contact with anymore. Such is an essential element of NC. I don't think that's what you're talking about here. It sounds like you want to maintain rapport and establish a dialogue, but on a timeline comfortable for you.
Trialbyfire Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 If it's an extended length of time for silence, I see it as a cessation of the relationship. If someone can't communicate their issues, we're not compatible. As for contact, I don't contact anyone who doesn't contact me first.
Author gonetildecember Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 It's not a long period of time,it's only been a few hours.. but I at this point just feel that some sort of distance/NC is necessary in order for anything to change, but I also don't want to make things worse. He knows I am frustrated with him, but instead of following thru with plans and spending time with me, he chose to go out with friends again. When he returns tomorrow, he will want to talk and see me because he hasnt all weekend, but on his terms. And it is always ALWAYS like this. No respect for my time, plans. I love that he is here and always popping in to visit me and my roomies, but when we have plans i also expect him to follow thru. I dont like games, but I'm sick of this recurring problem. I want to use whatever means necessary for him to realise he cant just have me when he wants me and when there is nothing better to do. I want him to have to chase me, because I am sick of chasing him. I dont want this to be an issue anymore.
Walk Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 My H used to give me the silent treatment when upset with me. Sometimes several hours, or even days. Very frustrating. The one thing I found that worked was to go about my life doing the things *I* wanted to do. Instead of waiting for him to talk to me, I put effort into doing things that would make me feel happier. I went out with friends, or visited with family. I did things that were inheriently me, that helped me reconnect with who I am as an individual. I didn't give him the silent treatment back, I just didn't "play" the game. If he was serious about talking then he could reach me, if he was initiating contact just to see if I was still waiting around for him, then I ignored it. I started doing it that way because the other way was too painful, made me feel like I was begging for his attention, and made me feel really low. When I stopped playing and put that energy into doing things I enjoyed doing it helped me feel more confident, and allowed me time to focus on what I wanted in my life. Otherwise I was spending a lot of energy crawling after something simply because it was denied me. I hate being manipulated, and the silent treatment is an easy way to get someone to do what you want. I think you need better boundaries... or rather, more clearly defined boundaries. He isn't respecting yours (based on the two threads you created).
carhill Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I want him to have to chase me, because I am sick of chasing him. I dont want this to be an issue anymore. IMO, it's not about chasing, it's about respect. Remind us how long you've been together?
Trialbyfire Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I think your sig says it all, gtd. Stay true to deserving respect.
Author gonetildecember Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 14 months together. and communication has been a prob since about 2 months, got a lot better,but now it just seems like everytime there is a boys night.. he forget to call or just cancels plans with me without letting me know. It is a respect thing, but he figures since he's always around other times, that its not a big deal and that I am just expected to understand. I know its not about chasing, but when you're always looking for attention,trying to plan dates, getting discouraged when things get cancelled for the thousanth time, you start to wish that sometimes it was someone else doing all the work instead.
carhill Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I know its not about chasing, but when you're always looking for attention,trying to plan dates, getting discouraged when things get cancelled for the thousanth time, you start to wish that sometimes it was someone else doing all the work instead. I know exactly what you mean. The person who cares the least has the most control
Author gonetildecember Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 I didn't give him the silent treatment back, I just didn't "play" the game. If he was serious about talking then he could reach me, if he was initiating contact just to see if I was still waiting around for him, then I ignored it. I started doing it that way because the other way was too painful, made me feel like I was begging for his attention, and made me feel really low. I hate being manipulated, and the silent treatment is an easy way to get someone to do what you want. See, I'm so sick of arguing and getting upset,that Im thinking of just not calling him or texting like I usually do...I dont even really feel like answering when he calls..I know things will just go back to him coming over for a couple days and things being good, then few days later problems aagain. i want this to be the last time we discuss this. Im in so much pain right now because I feel like if he just met me half way and communicated with me, it would solve all the little trivila problems. But a year later he still forgets or just figured he would do it later. IM SICK OF IT. I kind of want to teach him a lesson. I want him to miss me, plan with me like he does with everyone else ... realise... hello... girlfriends got a life that doesnt ALWAYS invovle me..
whichwayisup Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Then tell him you need a break to think about the relationship. Just be honest. Tell him how you feel, you're sick and tired of the crap and that's not how a relationship is supposed to be. The silent treatment in a relationship, IMO is the most intentional, cruelist thing someone can do to someone else. Such disrespect, and hurtful.
Author gonetildecember Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 I know exactly what you mean. The person who cares the least has the most control Thats exactly what it feels like. It's his way or no way.. and he shows no emotion... I want him to spend a day in my shoes.. but how do i do that... I hate this feeling!
Author gonetildecember Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 I know exactly what you mean. The person who cares the least has the most control Then tell him you need a break to think about the relationship. Just be honest. Tell him how you feel, you're sick and tired of the crap and that's not how a relationship is supposed to be. The silent treatment in a relationship, IMO is the most intentional, cruelist thing someone can do to someone else. Such disrespect, and hurtful. The thing is things with us are perfect during the week or when the boys don' have a last minute plan.. so thats why im hesitant to go on a break. Its gone on this long partly due to my behaviour as well..because I always just forgive him and then go back to spoiling him a couple days later...and when it repeats i get frustrated again. I just want him to get me. make me a priority. make me feel somewhat important..and like he wants me. IM FU**IN exhausted or working for him.
whichwayisup Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 He won't spend a day in your shoes because he isn't taking stuff in the way you are. Your other option is, just go about your own life, friends and do what you want. Let him call you and make arrangements. As for the key? Well, do a tiny white lie and tell him you need it back because you lost yours or something. Then, don't bring up the key thing to him, let HIM bring it up. It will stop him from coming and going whenever he pleases. He'll have to call first and not just show up.
whichwayisup Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 You each have to have your own lives. Have things to do apart and together and not get mad if he spends time with buddies. BUT, if he can't respect you and you two can't compromise, then your relationship isn't going to last.
Author gonetildecember Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 He won't spend a day in your shoes because he isn't taking stuff in the way you are. Your other option is, just go about your own life, friends and do what you want. Let him call you and make arrangements. As for the key? Well, do a tiny white lie and tell him you need it back because you lost yours or something. Then, don't bring up the key thing to him, let HIM bring it up. It will stop him from coming and going whenever he pleases. He'll have to call first and not just show up. Im a little scared that if I just back off, he still wont make effort
whichwayisup Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Then you atleast know where you stand with him. You can't be afraid to back off and worry he'll forget about you. I mean, if he does, what then? What's the point of having a relationship with someone who really doesn't care? If he makes no effort, then THAT is when you need to TELL him YOU need a break and want to think about things, if the relationship is worth saving. How old are you (and him) and how long have you two been a couple? Don't stay with him because you're afraid to be alone.
Author gonetildecember Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 You each have to have your own lives. Have things to do apart and together and not get mad if he spends time with buddies. BUT, if he can't respect you and you two can't compromise, then your relationship isn't going to last. I honestly dont havea prob with him chilling with his buddies. It happens like twice a week, another 3 days out of the week he will be at my house with them (his brother and friend are dating each of my roomates), and two days he'll hang out alone. i only see him with other ppl at this point, our only alone time is bed time or driving to class in the car. i want some attention. the last three times he has gone out with the guys, he has suddleny found a reason to leave my house or to change plans with me, without telling me he will go out. i think hes so scared ill get upset that he's going out with the guys, that he finds ways to just omit it from conversation. it causes a problem. no matter what comes up if u have plans u have plans. and i dont like he is using again me that he drops in all the time...if we have plans it doesnt matter when last u saw me.. u follow thru or be man enough to cancel or reschedule legitimately.
pretty professional Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 You aren't his girlfriend. You're his booty call. You do realize that, I hope. Cut him off.
Author gonetildecember Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 Then you atleast know where you stand with him. You can't be afraid to back off and worry he'll forget about you. I mean, if he does, what then? What's the point of having a relationship with someone who really doesn't care? If he makes no effort, then THAT is when you need to TELL him YOU need a break and want to think about things, if the relationship is worth saving. How old are you (and him) and how long have you two been a couple? Don't stay with him because you're afraid to be alone. Its not that Im afraid to be alone, its just that Im more compatible with him that Ive ever been with anyone or anything in my life. this is the only issue i have with him. When things are good I have the best time in the world.. but I also have trust issues and Im very scared to lose him. Making that decision to back off is killing my head that I might be taking the wrong path to solving this problem. I just want to SHOCK him. Make him thing, gee she isnt acting how she normally acts, maybe she is serious this time. We're young. He's 20,I'm22. He's very mature for his age. I often admit to being the more immature of the two of us,when little issues come up. We've been together for 14 months.
Author gonetildecember Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 You aren't his girlfriend. You're his booty call. You do realize that, I hope. Cut him off. Lol. maybe you've read to much into the issue. im his girfriend. we sleep together 4 out of 7 nights a week. i speak to him throughout the day. we speak everyday we know and are involved with each others families and friends we have a very good relationship, we just have a communication issue regarding going out without each other.. whether due to trust, or habits in previous relationships. its not a question of booty call, i just want him to realise that communication goes a long way.. it would save us so much stress.
pretty professional Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 He pretty much drops any plans with you the second his buddies call. He is saying they mean more to him than you and your feelings and wanting to spend time with you and keep plans with you. You're basically providing him sex in between times. He keeps calling you because you keep providing easy sex. Your his 4 nights a week booty call sex provider. Cut him off for a couple weeks and see what happens.
carhill Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 OP, what I might suggest at this juncture is to take a break from us (yes, true) and absorb what you've taken in here. This is a difficult situation for you. Clarity is what you seek. It's never easy when you care. The fact that it's not easy is where you gather your strength. Relationships and people have meaning to you. That's a great thing. I wish you well
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