Chellie Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 My fiance and I are getting married next year. We've had more than our share of ups and downs - a big factor of which being my depression and various issues that I've been dealing with since I was a teenager. I'm pretty severely depressed, am in therapy, and trying my best to work on my issues. One of the biggest issues I have is with trusting people. I very much dislike saying this, because in some ways I feel like it's a cop out, but it all stems from when I was younger and there was never anyone I could count on, or even count on to be there when I woke up in the morning as a kid. As I got older, I made a lot of bad choices in guys, and ended up getting hurt all over again. My fiance of course knows all about this, but unfortunately, it's still an issue within our relationship. He's in a band, and the band is extremely important to him. Being in the band is going to involve touring around the country at some point, something we've discussed in much detail. I know that I can't just take off and go with him, but I also know that I can't handle being without him for a month or more. I've asked him to talk to me before he makes any decisions, so that we can figure something out that works for both of us. He agreed to this, and said he would never make a decision like that without talking to me first. Last night when we went out for dinner, we were discussing a new position he was applying for at work. I asked if it would allow him to take time off like he needed to if he tours, and he said that's one of the things he plans on asking during the interview. I made a joke about how it'll be tough to come up with a schedule for touring that works for his job, our agreement, and his bandmates. At that point, he said that my opinion didn't matter, and he was just going to "tell" me when he was going and that's it. He'd listen to me, but he wasn't going to actually change anything he wanted to do based on what I asked or wanted. I reminded him of the conversation we'd have previously about it, and he said he just lied to make me stop being upset. He does this often. He'll lie, about what he's doing or where he's going, so I don't get "upset". In his defense, I do get upset when he goes somewhere without giving me a general idea of when he'll be home, or if he's out doing drugs (recreational drug use is heavy within our circle of friends). We've had a lot of issues with this in the past - the most notable time being when he told me he'd be home "soon" at 8PM, and didn't show up at home until about 1:30 or 2:00, when the bar he was at closed at 11:00. I asked him what he was doing and why he didn't think to let me know he was going to be so late, and he just said he was in the parking lot, talking to his boss. He ended up telling me a month or two later that he had actually driven about 35 minutes from his work, picked up some coke, and spent the rest of the night doing it with people he worked with. He's also snuck off at parties to do coke, and not tell me about it, and then we've gotten into arguments because he's acting weirdly and I have no idea why. He also lied to me about quitting smoking cigarettes (which was his choice and nothing I asked him to do), on three different occassions during an 18 month time frame. I really don't know what to do; he says he lies because he can't handle dealing with the arguments we have, but at the same time, I feel like if he was honest with me .... I wouldn't get as upset. He's making it out to be my fault that he lies, so he never actually takes responsibility for breaking my trust, or what trust I do have in him. I love him and want to be with him, but I don't want to spend my life second guessing him or our relationship.
norajane Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 I really don't know what to do; he says he lies because he can't handle dealing with the arguments we have, but at the same time, I feel like if he was honest with me .... I wouldn't get as upset. He's making it out to be my fault that he lies, so he never actually takes responsibility for breaking my trust, or what trust I do have in him. He's learned to lie in order to avoid having to deal with anything he deems is unpleasant to himself. He learned that a looong time ago, long before you, so he's not going to change - it's second nature to him. You know what you need to do: I don't want to spend my life second guessing him or our relationship.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 He's learned to lie in order to avoid having to deal with anything he deems is unpleasant to himself. He learned that a looong time ago, long before you, so he's not going to change - it's second nature to him. You know what you need to do: Yep. I agree on both points. I've got one of those liars myself, unfortunately it was not apparent to me until the license was filed and the babies were here. Save yourself the heartache of the future and find someone who can be honest with you.
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