Dealing with being cheated on.

[Viscerality]

Hello. I've seen a few threads that talk about this, but I wanted to make my own anyway.

 

Here's the story... I was with this one girl for about a year and four months. A little over a month ago, she went away to college. We live in Hawaii, and she went to a school within the state, but not on the same island.

 

Anyway... about three weeks into her being over there, she cheated on me with some guy. She didn't even like the guy. Apparently, a friend of hers was sick of listening to us fight on the phone (she was miserable all the time because I wasn't there), and as a result, told her it'd be a good idea to go for this guy. ...She didn't follow her heart at all, and went ahead and listened to her friend, and slept with the guy. Twice. After really talking to her about it, she also told me her friend was "proud" of her for having the balls to do that to me. Ouch. **** that person.

 

I want to forgive her and one day be her friend, but I don't think we can be together ever again, which drives me insane. I wanted to marry this girl one day.

 

Anyway, I need serious help. Because of all this, I have a hard time eating and sleeping. I will go to sleep, and wake up after 3 or 4 hours, unable to go back to bed. My mind is flooded with the thoughts, and I am plagued with them all day. Sleep is my only escape. What little of it I get.

 

Please help.

[nopainnogain]

I feel your pain buddy . But if you play your cards right youll look back at this moment in your life say 6-12 months from now and realize its a blessing in disguise. You will come out stronger than ever .

 

first- set goals for yourself long term and short term

 

second- ,tell yourself when ever a plagueing thought creeps in ...." its over ,any thought about her is irreleveant, becausing any thought about her is keeping me away from MY goals"

 

third- maintain strict n/c . Just release her and go on with life as she is dead. She doesnt matter anymore. Focus on you.

 

PS- Do not blame yourself. Its her fault. Not your fault that you got with a heartless human being. It would be your fault if you break N/C though.

[CaliGuy]

Hello. I've seen a few threads that talk about this, but I wanted to make my own anyway.

 

Here's the story... I was with this one girl for about a year and four months. A little over a month ago, she went away to college. We live in Hawaii, and she went to a school within the state, but not on the same island.

 

Anyway... about three weeks into her being over there, she cheated on me with some guy. She didn't even like the guy. Apparently, a friend of hers was sick of listening to us fight on the phone (she was miserable all the time because I wasn't there), and as a result, told her it'd be a good idea to go for this guy. ...She didn't follow her heart at all, and went ahead and listened to her friend, and slept with the guy. Twice. After really talking to her about it, she also told me her friend was "proud" of her for having the balls to do that to me. Ouch. **** that person.

 

I want to forgive her and one day be her friend, but I don't think we can be together ever again, which drives me insane. I wanted to marry this girl one day.

 

As long as you have feelings for her a friendship is impossible. I would just go complete NC with her and move on with your life. Anyone who can cheat on you doesn't really love you.

 

And what can she offer you as a friend that you can't find with a REAL friend?

 

Anyway, I need serious help. Because of all this, I have a hard time eating and sleeping. I will go to sleep, and wake up after 3 or 4 hours, unable to go back to bed. My mind is flooded with the thoughts, and I am plagued with them all day. Sleep is my only escape. What little of it I get.

 

Please help.

 

Start working out. Find some new hobbies and vest your time in them. Hang out with friends. Talk to a Counselor if you need to. It will take some time to get over her but you will. There's nothing anyone can do to take the pain away. However, understand the pain you are feeling now will make you stronger, wiser and much more intelligent when the next woman comes around.

 

Heed what you are learning now....

[Geishawhelk]

Yeh.

 

What he said.

[Karma101]

She slept with someone TWICE that, according to you, she doesn't even like?!? That's more than a little distressing. And all because her friend told her to because she was "sick of listening to the two of you fight on the phone"?!? Huh?

 

Get some Tylenol PM and be thankful she's gone... with her bad excuses!

[You'reasian]

Anyway... about three weeks into her being over there, she cheated on me with some guy. She didn't even like the guy. Apparently, a friend of hers was sick of listening to us fight on the phone (she was miserable all the time because I wasn't there), and as a result, told her it'd be a good idea to go for this guy. ...She didn't follow her heart at all, and went ahead and listened to her friend, and slept with the guy. Twice. After really talking to her about it, she also told me her friend was "proud" of her for having the balls to do that to me. Ouch. **** that person.

 

I want to forgive her and one day be her friend, but I don't think we can be together ever again, which drives me insane. I wanted to marry this girl one day.

 

Anyway, I need serious help. Because of all this, I have a hard time eating and sleeping. I will go to sleep, and wake up after 3 or 4 hours, unable to go back to bed. My mind is flooded with the thoughts, and I am plagued with them all day. Sleep is my only escape. What little of it I get.

 

Please help.

 

Let her go.

 

Be grateful that you did not marry this woman and had to pay for the pain now rather than x number of years down the line.

 

Get some rest, do good things and make yourself ready for the right person.

[EmperorR]

ive been cheated on before its not nice, you feel used, not good enough and just kepe asking yourself why and envisioning her with soemone else. The only thing that gets me through that was just telling myself, at least I didn't marry her and had 3 kids and then she cheated on me.

[Viscerality]

Thank you all for your support. It is helpful.

 

The thing that really does get to me though, is how it ended. Terribly. I wish we could've had a clean break and remained friends.

 

Another thing I really don't like is that she'll try and make me seem like the bad person. Even though she was happy the whole time she was with me physically, now she'll say that I "didn't know how to treat a woman," and that "obviously if I cheated on you, I'm looking for something you don't have." Stuff like that. But she is just in denial. One day she is going to wake up and realize the severity of what she did, and will be miserable because of it.

[nopainnogain]

Thank you all for your support. It is helpful.

 

The thing that really does get to me though, is how it ended. Terribly. I wish we could've had a clean break and remained friends.

 

Another thing I really don't like is that she'll try and make me seem like the bad person. Even though she was happy the whole time she was with me physically, now she'll say that I "didn't know how to treat a woman," and that "obviously if I cheated on you, I'm looking for something you don't have." Stuff like that. But she is just in denial. One day she is going to wake up and realize the severity of what she did, and will be miserable because of it.

 

They all end terribly when cheating is involved. Either way ,who cares if she is hurtin later, who cares if someday she starts to miss you. It doesnt matter. Thinkin about all that crap ,like "what ifs" or "i wish i woulda "

is like wiping your A$$ with a brillo pad. Dont even think about that crap. If your mind starts to wonder tell yourself, im better off without her,her loss my gain!"

[0hpenelope]

Have you visited the other subforums here on LS? I see that a couple of posters have given some sensible advice already and I'm backing all of them up.

 

Women like your ex give us ladies a bad rep and it's sad (it also makes me angry because I don't understand what drives lady cheaters to do what they do - they don't want to be hurt, so why are they the ones inflicting the pain?!). I hope you won't steel your heart to a good woman who's worthy. But I understand that you're not thinking of that right now because you're in pain.

 

Have you confided in your good friends? When my friend's LTR ended, I never let her out of my sight during the day and during the times I could be with her. People deal with these things differently, but it's not all that bad to get a little bit of help and boosts from people who care about you.

 

She's going to justify her wrongs with all her might because she knows that there is just no way to come out of her offense smelling like a rose... What a disrespectful character. If she had any respect for you, she would've gone on ahead and broken off the relationship before hitting the sack with some other guy. Her choice in this situation reveals an important aspect in her character - and it's probably one of the ugliest she has. I mean, really? To rub it in your face... what an awful persona she's showing you.

 

I'm sorry. Are you feeling at least a little better today?

[nopainnogain]

The only thing that gets me through that was just telling myself, at least I didn't marry her and had 3 kids and then she cheated on me.

 

 

For me, im different. When I think like that then I wonder......"if I woulda married her and had kids maybe she wouldnt have cheated":confused:

 

so I prefer........." the relationship has run its course, now im wiser and stronger for the next lady in my life."

[Mike B.]

For me, im different. When I think like that then I wonder......"if I woulda married her and had kids maybe she wouldnt have cheated":confused:

 

so I prefer........." the relationship has run its course, now im wiser and stronger for the next lady in my life."

 

 

Well, just from our observations in our personal lives and reading posts on this site we can see thay being married with kids does not really save you from being cheated on. Just imagine how so much harder things would hit you and dealing with the aftermath if you are cheated on by a spouse. I don't even want to imagine the pain of that level of betrayal.

[Viscerality]

Have you visited the other subforums here on LS? I see that a couple of posters have given some sensible advice already and I'm backing all of them up.

 

Women like your ex give us ladies a bad rep and it's sad (it also makes me angry because I don't understand what drives lady cheaters to do what they do - they don't want to be hurt, so why are they the ones inflicting the pain?!). I hope you won't steel your heart to a good woman who's worthy. But I understand that you're not thinking of that right now because you're in pain.

 

Have you confided in your good friends? When my friend's LTR ended, I never let her out of my sight during the day and during the times I could be with her. People deal with these things differently, but it's not all that bad to get a little bit of help and boosts from people who care about you.

 

She's going to justify her wrongs with all her might because she knows that there is just no way to come out of her offense smelling like a rose... What a disrespectful character. If she had any respect for you, she would've gone on ahead and broken off the relationship before hitting the sack with some other guy. Her choice in this situation reveals an important aspect in her character - and it's probably one of the ugliest she has. I mean, really? To rub it in your face... what an awful persona she's showing you.

 

I'm sorry. Are you feeling at least a little better today?

I haven't visited the others, but perhaps I will. I was feeling a little better, and was finally getting some sleep. Then she called me and woke me up, and now I can't go back to sleep. She got mad when I started talking about it, of course. And said it was my fault for being in a long distance relationship with her. Which we talked about in detail, and we're going to give a shot. I don't consider 3 weeks giving it a shot. Naturally, she gets mad when I tell her she should've put more effort in, or at least broken up with me if she couldn't handle the distance. But because we fought a few times? That's not a reason to break up with me or cheat. We've gotten through many fights before, and I feel that they only made our connection stronger. IF ANYTHING, breaking up would've been the way to go, though. That would've been her choice and NOT necessarily wrong.

 

I'm going to the island she lives on this week with a friend. I really want to see her one last time and tell her goodbye, then cut off contact. I feel like that might give me some closure.

 

Also, now she really wants to get back with me. What do you guys think? Any of you get back with a cheater and they never cheated again? I can't see myself ever truly forgetting, so it'd only really bother me in the future. I could forgive her one day for this... but not any time soon.

 

I want to eat and sleep normally again. I'm getting ****ing sick of this. Throughout whatever strife we may have had, I know I never would've cheated on her, and that I would've taken good care of her. But I need to forget about that, because it doesn't matter now.

[BackonTrack]

Dude, Listen to me, Please really Listen to me.

 

I was in your situtation 6 months ago. My girlfriend cheated on me blamed me, yada yada, did the whole girl thing "its your fault" yada yada yada.

 

I was way more messed up than you, panic attacks, depression, random flashbacks, fainting, collapsing on the floor. IT was VERY VERY BAD.

I spent an entire 6 months thinking about her EVERYDAY, even now, I think about her everyday, but the feelings are gone.

 

Listen Man, I WAS YOU!!!!!!. If I can go back in time I would do the following..

 

You have to understand that this is not about you, its about her and what she can do. At the moment, she has a boyfriend back home in Hawaii, she doesn't want to loose you.

 

At the same time she's away at college, she has to have her sexual needs sastified.

 

At the same time, she attempts to blame you, get angry at you, and shift the convenrsation when you bring up her cheating.

WHY????

Because that way she doesn't have to realize what she is doing is wrong, she doesn't have to stop.

 

By you ANSWERING the phone & STILL SPEAKING to her, you are showing her by your ACTIONS, that its OK for her to cheat and contiune doing what she's doing because your not doing anything about it except "TALKING about it" WHICH AT this point is pointless.

 

 

Right now she is playing MIND GAMES WITH YOU and she is winning. Look what she's doing to you.

 

You can't eat

You can't sleep

YOu seek advice from strangers on the internet

You don't know what to do.

Your so confused.

 

She did ALL THAT TO YOU, she is HURTING YOU. You have to much emmotions involved to see clearly. Your mind is confused, you cannot see the truth so please listen to us.

 

You have to STOP THE GAMES. You have to fix yourself. You have to mentally heal, you have to be able to eat again, you have to be able to sleep again, you have to be able to worry about her.

 

How do you do this?

 

a) when she calls DO NOT PICK UP.

b) when she emails, do not respond.

c) when she contacts you on the internet via facebook, myspace, aim, whatever do not respond.

 

You have to CUT ALL CONTACTS, ALL CONTACTS WITH HER for atleast 3-4 months. The reason you have to cut contact is because you have to detox, u see when you fall in love your brain releases these ultra powerful chemicals, like morphine and right now thats whats in your brain.

 

These chemicals are causing you to not see the entire scope of your situation. By you cutting contact with her (the drug) your mind will heal itself. The chemicals will go away.

 

You state you wanted to marry her, thats not good in this cause.

Its going to take you MONTHS, MONTHS, MONTHS to get over her.

Atleast 6 months before your back to normal to the point where you can talk to her & not be angry.

 

If you DO NOT CUT CONTACT

If you do not cut contact, you will contiune to argue with her, she will contiune to get upset for no reason (she's a girl) eventually she'll start to hate you and when she comes homes, well she will know she can do whatever she can do to you.

 

 

DUDE listen to me, I was you, You are messing up your brain by talking to her. I know you think your situation is different, but its not. Your not unique, everyone goes through this. Your young so you don't understand. Listen to people who have been through this, people like us on this forum.

 

I don't know what else to tell you.

Good Luck

 

What I can tell you with 100% certainity is that if you contiune to engage in communication with her, you are just cursing your own self. Why do you want to spite your own self? Why do you want to hurt your own self? Don't you want to fix yourself?

 

To put it into a visual aid here is your situtation in lamen terms.

You have a nice stuck in your side.

If you contiune to talk to her, the knife will remain in your body and your body cannot heal itself mentally & physically.

 

If you cut contact with her temporarly, you are in essence removing the thing that is causing you hurt (the knife) and by doing this, your body can repair itself.

 

Please repair yourself before she staps you again.

 

As about seeing her, WHY DO YOU WANT TO SEE HER?

She should want to see YOU, she hurt YOU, she cheated on YOU, she has to apologize to YOU.

[Viscerality]

I am briefly reviving this thread to say how much happier I am. It's almost been a year since I posted this, and I really never thought I'd get over her.

 

There was a lot more drama between us, but I eventually got the balls to stop talking to her and am now way better off because of it. Yes, everyone told me this, and while listening to advice is great, sometimes you just need to figure some things out for yourself.

 

Thanks again to everyone that helped me in my time of need. I don't care if I don't know you: you all were what I needed more than anything else.

 

Aloha!

[CaliGuy]

BoT, he'll listen when he decides to love and respect himself and not grab at the breadcrumbs of attention she's tossing at him.

 

Tablescraps for a dog....that's all she gives.

[Viscerality]

...Yeah. Something like that.

[0hpenelope]

I am briefly reviving this thread to say how much happier I am. It's almost been a year since I posted this, and I really never thought I'd get over her.

 

There was a lot more drama between us, but I eventually got the balls to stop talking to her and am now way better off because of it. Yes, everyone told me this, and while listening to advice is great, sometimes you just need to figure some things out for yourself.

 

Thanks again to everyone that helped me in my time of need. I don't care if I don't know you: you all were what I needed more than anything else.

 

Aloha!

 

That's so good to hear. I feel happy when I hear from people who have moved on somehow.

[Leia]

I am briefly reviving this thread to say how much happier I am. It's almost been a year since I posted this, and I really never thought I'd get over her.

 

There was a lot more drama between us, but I eventually got the balls to stop talking to her and am now way better off because of it. Yes, everyone told me this, and while listening to advice is great, sometimes you just need to figure some things out for yourself.

 

Thanks again to everyone that helped me in my time of need. I don't care if I don't know you: you all were what I needed more than anything else.

 

Aloha!

 

Yes! I read this thread and wondered about you.

 

Glad you're over her and doing much better now!

 

Cheers!

[BackonTrack2]

hey dude, glad your doing better. i forgot i even posted anything to you, i was so messed up back then.

 

good luck in life

[EmperorR]

ahh I see I posted in here to, good to see your doing better.

 

Remember everyone NEVER EVER go back to a cheater.

[Road To Joy]

Sh*t, I just wrote a long ass reply just to find out this was posted a year ago.

 

Lmao!

[Viscerality]

Sh*t, I just wrote a long ass reply just to find out this was posted a year ago.

 

Lmao!

You should've posted it anyway! It probably would have been awesome.

[Viscerality]

I'm 26 and I'm thinking ur ex is younger (undergrad in college) but even when I was 21, no friend had enough influence over me to make me SLEEP with someone. She used that as an excuse. If her friend saw her constantly fighting with you and being miserable, shed tell her to DUMP you. You will see this as a blessing! Tylenol PM is an order! It stings the worst for a solid month...get past it, and everything gets better. Promise (from experience)

Haha, yeah... this is over a year old. I'm well over it. Like I said in a previous post, I only revived this thread to thank the people who gave me insight when I was depressed, miserable, and lost.

 

She was 18, and her friend was trying to influence her to sleep with another guy, though maybe they said to break up with me first. Either way, the particular friend didn't care if she cheated on me. She actually told me he was proud of her at one point. Yeah, she was miserable. Not my fault. Though she handled things the wrong way. I learned a lot from this experience, and have no regrets.

 

Thank you, though.

[ADF]

You seem absolutely determined to view your GF's behavior in the best possible light. It wasn't her fault; it was her friend's. Heck, she didn't even like the guy. But she had sex with him. Twice!

 

WAKE UP!!!

 

After over a year together, it took your GF all of three weeks to start up with another guy. IT IS OVER. Move on.