How NOT to attract men

[Nevermind]

Quite recently, I was approached by a user of another forum I frequent. It's different to this in nature, the focus is on literature, politics and movies and it's much, much smaller. People meet once in a while to discuss things in RL and go to strange exhibitions together. The guy who approached me is one of the people I've rarely met. He wrote me a love letter, called me his soulmate etc pp.

 

Now, I know that this is not unsual on the interwebs, but I am quite concerned about it. It does happen a lot to me, on and offline, and I don't know what I am doing to attract this kind of feelings.

 

I am quite sure that I haven't given out any signals that I was interested in any kind of relationship, be it platonic or otherwise. Yet, once again I was left with a guy who admits that he has been following my steps on the internet for months, called me "his girl" before and compared me to Grace Kelly. I don't mean this harshly, and it makes me sad to think that my clear "no" caused him pain, but I really don't want this kind of attention. It's suffocating, really.

 

(Mike, if you're reading this. Please: leave. Don't feed the obsession.)

 

What can I do to avoid this? Am I sending signals on here, too? Anybody feel attracted? I am who I am, and the way I post is the way I am, so I would hate to change either, but I am willing to do so, if it's the only thing that would help.

[carhill]

Nothing I've seen in your posts makes my stalk-o-meter quiver, but that's me

 

Perhaps your openness and erstwhile vulnerability is attractive to this person. Or, he could just be casting a wide net.

 

For example, how much does he know (and repeat) about your beau when you were in Spain? If he's deep into details, then you have a stalker on your hands, IMO.

 

I can say, many years ago (like decades), I had a bit of such stalkerish behavior, including love letters, but it was someone I knew well IRL and had fallen in love with. It must not have been too bad, since we're still friends and she tells me she still has those old letters stashed away.

 

Unwelcome attention can be uncomfortable, and I have experienced it in the past, when I was single and "phone" dating, but I found a direct and honest approach always worked with the ladies, shocking them back into reality. I don't know if such an approach would work with a guy. Haven't had any of those chasing me

[Nevermind]

I know, since he has admitted it freely, that he has been stalking me via several search engines. He found an old myspace profile, that I didn't even know I had anymore, he has gotten access to pictures that were password protected from a party he didn't attend etc. The rest I don't know. He was at a larger party I attended in July (the second time I met him in 4 years) and made a picture of me in a swim suit. I requested that he delete the picture, but he did not. That does creep me out a little.

 

Anyway, it's not so much the stalking I am concerned about (I had worse), because I understand that he has strong feelings and I have little to hide. Privacy is valueable to me, but as long as he doesn't just appear in front of my house, I am not terrified.

 

I just don't feel good about the attention. Causing feelings I can't reciprocate is not fun. Some people find such situations flattering, but to me it's just..stressful.

 

(But, good to know I can cross you of the list of potential stalkers, carhill. )

 

If this was the first time, I wouldn't be worried. But there is a list of people like that, or situations like that. One wrote a song about me and put it on a website, one stalked me for months and wrote poems about garbage and wind and decay and our love (yeah...), one drove across the country and parked in front of my house, one designed a comic book after "us" and one followed me around town like a lap dog.

 

I just always feel terrible when that happens and the only way I have known to get rid of them is: be incredibly mean. Which is nonsense, since they never make me angry, just sad and stressed out. I'd rather avoid it altogether.

[grogster]

That is disconcerting. I'm not stalker prone, but I'm attentive to what I call attention-seekers.Although the Shack has its fair share, I've never placed you in the net-hibitionist column.

 

As for your stalker, the guy is scary. His interest in you is beyond all reason. Unfortunately, the Web has made stalking infinitely easier.

 

Tell the loser to stay clear. He should find a new hobby. By the way, I suspect you're not the only woman on his stalk-list.

[carhill]

Yeah, it sucks, but either be mean or be a hole in the water (total silence sandwich)....

 

Such are times when one wishes they didn't have so much of that empathy and caring stuff. It's like going against nature....

 

Hope it works out!

[Geishawhelk]

There are laws against this kind of thing, you know.

he sounds somewhat deranged. maybe a little schizoid....

I really would take this to a higher authority.

 

I would Contact the Mod's about banning him from this site if I were you. They can probably watch if he tries to come back in, by monitoring his IP number.......?

 

It's a start.

Really, you need to start protecting yourself.

[Nevermind]

I really don't think that he is dangerous. Reporting him to the Admin would be one idea, however, I'd rather leave the forum myself. Reason: he is pretty isolated socially and I don't want to disconnect him from the only source of communication and peer contact. For me, it wouldn't be very bad. I am considering this.

 

Really, he is just a lonely guy who become obsessed with the idea he had of another human being. A false idea, and the obsession was all in his head, but still..

 

Should I worry about my safety I'd tell the authorities and make sure he stays away, however, right now it doesn't seem likely that we will get to this point.

 

So...you think that I need not change my behaviour, as such guys will pick whoever isn't running away fast enough? I mean, there is nothing I can do to prevent any such situation in the future?

[grogster]

I really don't think that he is dangerous. Reporting him to the Admin would be one idea, however, I'd rather leave the forum myself. Reason: he is pretty isolated socially and I don't want to disconnect him from the only source of communication and peer contact. For me, it wouldn't be very bad. I am considering this.

 

Really, he is just a lonely guy who become obsessed with the idea he had of another human being. A false idea, and the obsession was all in his head, but still..

 

Should I worry about my safety I'd tell the authorities and make sure he stays away, however, right now it doesn't seem likely that we will get to this point.

 

So...you think that I need not change my behaviour, as such guys will pick whoever isn't running away fast enough? I mean, there is nothing I can do to prevent any such situation in the future?

 

 

Wait, let's see if I understand. Because your stalker is isolated and lonely, you'll leave the Shack before reporting him to Admin.

 

WTF?

 

Listen to yourself.

[Stockalone]

You reach out to people that you don't know, some of them have emotional problems, and you offer them your help. That is an admirable trait and I sure am grateful that you reached out to help me.

 

I think it is likely that you might encounter more men who are emotionally more unstable than the average guy because of your generosity and openness. In a way, it makes you more vulnerable to stalkers.

 

You could change who you are and be less open and likeable, but that is a very drastic step and should only be considered as a last resort.

 

Are there patterns you recognize with these different guys? If so, you should either stop communicating with them as soon as the first red flags show up, hoping they won't turn into a stalker or you could try to call them on their inappropriate behaviour. Try to discourage them, be firm and inform them that they are out of line. I think you should ask a professional how to deal with stalkers.

 

You should never underestimate a stalker, that could be very dangerous. It might be time to rethink who you want to continue to talk to online, and I mean rethink everyone.

 

 

I really don't think that he is dangerous. Reporting him to the Admin would be one idea, however, I'd rather leave the forum myself. Reason: he is pretty isolated socially and I don't want to disconnect him from the only source of communication and peer contact. For me, it wouldn't be very bad. I am considering this.

 

Really, he is just a lonely guy who become obsessed with the idea he had of another human being. A false idea, and the obsession was all in his head, but still..

 

Grogster is right, you must protect yourself first. You should not worry about whether the stalker is being inconvenienced or not.

[Nevermind]

No, not the Shack. It's another forum.

 

It's just...he is really a lonely soul. And I don't need that other forum, but for him it would be a grave loss. A loss, which would probably drive him deeper into depression. Also, does it really matter who leaves when the end result, no more contact, is the same?

 

Am I too obliging?

[Nevermind]

@Stockalone,

 

I try to find patterns but it's not easy. They were all artsy and melancholic, maybe I should avoid this type altogether. This one is different, however. Maybe you're right. I will proceed with caution.

 

And also will rethink my contact behaviour on the interweb.

[grogster]

No, not the Shack. It's another forum.

 

It's just...he is really a lonely soul. And I don't need that other forum, but for him it would be a grave loss. A loss, which would probably drive him deeper into depression. Also, does it really matter who leaves when the end result, no more contact, is the same?

 

Am I too obliging?

 

No, you're not too easy. If his unwanted attention deprives you of enjoyment, then it's probably easier for you to exit the Forum. If you report him, he might get angry. Nothing's worse than a stalker spurned.

 

I would make yourself as invisible to him that you can--Web permitting. By doing so, he'll probably shift his obsessive focus on to some other victim, I mean woman.

 

To repeat, I see nothing in your Net behavior that invites stalker interest. The thing about stalkers is that their victim's conduct or signs matter not. All the action takes place in their demented little minds.

 

Where a stalker's perceptions end, reality begins.

[Konfuzion]

Kinda odd, I don't know what to say except... Where do I send my letter proclaiming my love for you?!?!

 

I regress I really don't know why you are attracting such energy into your life...