cheezy100 Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 I went out to have dinner with several of his guy friends last night. They are true alcholics. They drank so much sake bombs during dinner, I think they were drunk a bit. They were SO LOUD that other ppl in the restaurant always stare at us. We were DISTURBING them. I didn't drink at all cuz I don't like to drink. My boyfriend drank. But he wasn't as loud as they were. I felt so embarassed with his friends because ppl were staring. And it's a family Japanese restaurant, so there were kids there. They were cussing, fishing for women that walked into the door, etc. I felt so embarassed at heart, but I just kept smiling and laughing, staying quiet. They are so DIFFERENT from me. If I wasn't hanging with them, and just eating dinner with my family, I would be those other ppl staring at them and telling them to shut up and keep their voices down. They smoke and they drink...Sometimes when they talk in "Their thuggish language," I can't understand what the heck they are talking about. I mean, what the heck is "ghost riding the wave"? There were so many things they talked about that I couldn't understand. I mean, I'm a conservative person who doesn't even cus that often or say the F word after every 2 words. I got really embarassed because of them in front of other ppl. What should I do? They aren't my crowd. Is he possibly like that too, but act differently when I'm around? We've only been dating for 1.5 months. I don't know him a lot though.
Lucky_One Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 You said in another thread that this guy is an alcoholic. You said that you rarely drink, but that he always gets you drunk. Is this someone that you can have a healthy adult relationship with, even if you take his friends out of the picture?
Author cheezy100 Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 You said in another thread that this guy is an alcoholic. You said that you rarely drink, but that he always gets you drunk. Is this someone that you can have a healthy adult relationship with, even if you take his friends out of the picture? a healthy adult relationship? i don't know, but if I keep this up, I know our future fights might be related to alcohol a lot. When I need to study for an exam, and i tell him "NO ALCOHOL", he won't force me to drink. His friends were making me drink, but I really pushed the "NO." They didn't like shove the shot glass into my mouth or anything. We haven't had a fight yet. I think I like him, but we just have 2 different lifestyles. Would it be healthy to continue my relationship with him? I seriously don't know. I don't want to let him go, yet I don't want to continue with the drinking and him having further and more bad impressions in front of my family. Alcohol is bad for the body, in general. I'm a nursing student, I read a lot about diseases. I know I can't change his lifestyle, telling him to not drink with me. My friend told me that if I want him, I have to accept his ALL...his good and bad habits, EVERYTHING. Another problem also popped up...him driving me home after a couple of shots. Would I die being in the car with him or be paralyzed? Bad idea to get in the car with him driving buzzed? My sister got pissed off and HATES him MORE after she interrogated me of why he couldn't take cold medicine last night (because he drank again~).
djhall Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 People choose their friends, and the kind of people you choose to be around says a lot about you and what you like. I don't think you need to like your SO's friends, but if you can't stand them and find them obnoxious, while you SO likes to be in their company, I think that is a red flag that needs to be recognized.
Lucky_One Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Is it a bad idea to get in a car with him when he is buzzed? Yes. (Did that even require an answer?? Don't you know that automatically? No wonder your family doesn't like him, if he is hammered and driving you around.)
Author cheezy100 Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 Is it a bad idea to get in a car with him when he is buzzed? Yes. (Did that even require an answer?? Don't you know that automatically? No wonder your family doesn't like him, if he is hammered and driving you around.) i feel so stupid. i never have the courage to tell him to not drink because I feel like i'm being bossy. but again, for my safety and his, i'll make sure to tell him next time to not drink. If he is, then I'll drive. but i have a gut feeling he'll just say, "i'll be fine~ I know my limit~"
foreverlove06 Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I think guys just have a different side to them when they are with their friends. My SO's friends are all immature.. when they are all together, they are loud, occasionally obnoxious, teasing eachother, slapping eachothers butts... You name it, they will do it. They are like a bunch of 5 year olds with ADHD. Sometimes they are so loud that its quite embarassing.. like when we are in a restaurant and someone will say something dirty & inappropriate (Kinda like what happened to you!). My boyfriend doesnt partake in that, but everything else he does. Sometimes he even gets annoyed at how obnoxious his friends are! But when they arent all together, they are relatively normal. Its strange... I think you should give it some time. If you feel comfortable enough you can tell your boyfriend how you feel about his friends, but break it to him gently. I eventually did that with my boyfriend...but as nice as I possibly could. And thats how I found out he agreed with me. But if your boyfriend is great in other ways, I wouldnt let his friends ruin your relationship..
Lucky_One Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 i feel so stupid. i never have the courage to tell him to not drink because I feel like i'm being bossy. but again, for my safety and his, i'll make sure to tell him next time to not drink. If he is, then I'll drive. but i have a gut feeling he'll just say, "i'll be fine~ I know my limit~" I'm always "bossy" when it comes to my safety and life and to the safety and life of other people around me. None of my friends drink and drive. Nearly every one of us has known someone who has killed someone else or been killed themselves because of that horribly foolish behavior. There is simply no reason for it every happening. So what if he "knows his limit"? You still have a responsibility to yourself to take a cab home or take the wheel yourself - if he hasn't influenced you to drink, too.
Author cheezy100 Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 I'm always "bossy" when it comes to my safety and life and to the safety and life of other people around me. None of my friends drink and drive. Nearly every one of us has known someone who has killed someone else or been killed themselves because of that horribly foolish behavior. There is simply no reason for it every happening. So what if he "knows his limit"? You still have a responsibility to yourself to take a cab home or take the wheel yourself - if he hasn't influenced you to drink, too. i should start making a habit to not have him drink and drive with me in the car from now on. unless i offer to drive from the start. i should start learning how to be a little bossy to him...i'm seriously way too nice right now i believe. i even let him go clubbing without me and dance with other women. i should set some limits of what i can tolerate and what i can't.
Geishawhelk Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 People choose their friends, and the kind of people you choose to be around says a lot about you and what you like. 'Twas an evening in November, As I very well remember - I was strolling down the street in drunken pride. But my feet were all a-flutter and I landed in the gutter - where a pig walked up and laid down by my side. Yes, I lay there in the gutter, Thinking things I dared not utter, When a lady passing by, did stiffly say, "You can tell a man that boozes by the company he chooses!" And at that, the pig got up, and walked away. I would, if I were you, follow the pig's example. You may choose to get into a car where the driver has clearly had too much to drink. Your choice, but you're a fool for it. He says he knows his limits. Why then, does he constantly exceed them? I refuse, point blank to get into a car where the driver has had any quantity of alcohol. Full stop. Oh, he might crash and take me with him. But what if he kills an innocent bystander, or a child? Or maims them for life? I would just find living with those consequences almost unbearable. Every time you get into the car with him, and he's had a drink, you are basically giving him your approval to drive in a dangerous state. You are endorsing his decision to be an irresponsible and careless, selfish adult. Think on that.
djhall Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 People choose their friends, and the kind of people you choose to be around says a lot about you and what you like. I guess I should add the obvious.... we don't usually like everything about our friends. Instead, we look at what we like and what we dislike about them and decide that for us what we like about them significantly outweighs what we dislike about them. When I run into this situation with the friends of a friend or the friends of a partner, the first thing I usually want to know is what my friend or partner sees in this person that they really like, and what they see in them that they don't like but are willing to overlook. Sometimes I discover that I haven't fully appreciated the good things about these people and my opinion changes about them accordingly. Other times I learn that my friend or partner and I have very different ideas about what we like and dislike in the people around us. The only thing we really know is that your boyfriend doesn't find this behavior so offensive that he doesn't want to be friends with these people over it. On the other hand, this seems to be a common theme with his friends, so it is also possible that he actually likes this behavior in his friends and was toning down his behavior because you were present and he knew you wouldn't approve. Maybe you could find a way to probe a little and find out what your BF likes about these friends without appearing to be judging him or them. Maybe they were frat brothers in college that are very loyal to him and helped him through some really rough times and he feels he owes them loyalty in return. Or maybe he thinks they are really fun to hang around and cut loose with, and he wants buddies to drink and act like a jackass with.
Author cheezy100 Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 'Twas an evening in November, As I very well remember - I was strolling down the street in drunken pride. But my feet were all a-flutter and I landed in the gutter - where a pig walked up and laid down by my side. Yes, I lay there in the gutter, Thinking things I dared not utter, When a lady passing by, did stiffly say, "You can tell a man that boozes by the company he chooses!" And at that, the pig got up, and walked away. I would, if I were you, follow the pig's example. You may choose to get into a car where the driver has clearly had too much to drink. Your choice, but you're a fool for it. He says he knows his limits. Why then, does he constantly exceed them? I refuse, point blank to get into a car where the driver has had any quantity of alcohol. Full stop. Oh, he might crash and take me with him. But what if he kills an innocent bystander, or a child? Or maims them for life? I would just find living with those consequences almost unbearable. Every time you get into the car with him, and he's had a drink, you are basically giving him your approval to drive in a dangerous state. You are endorsing his decision to be an irresponsible and careless, selfish adult. Think on that. I really liked what you wrote. It's a wake-up call for me. I actually think i am a fool right now to be in the same car with a intoxicated driver. Not only did I not think about both of us, but also other possible ppl that may get hurt. Next time, I'm gonna drive because it's an excuse for me to not drink and also safety for the general public.
Author cheezy100 Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 I guess I should add the obvious.... we don't usually like everything about our friends. Instead, we look at what we like and what we dislike about them and decide that for us what we like about them significantly outweighs what we dislike about them. When I run into this situation with the friends of a friend or the friends of a partner, the first thing I usually want to know is what my friend or partner sees in this person that they really like, and what they see in them that they don't like but are willing to overlook. Sometimes I discover that I haven't fully appreciated the good things about these people and my opinion changes about them accordingly. Other times I learn that my friend or partner and I have very different ideas about what we like and dislike in the people around us. The only thing we really know is that your boyfriend doesn't find this behavior so offensive that he doesn't want to be friends with these people over it. On the other hand, this seems to be a common theme with his friends, so it is also possible that he actually likes this behavior in his friends and was toning down his behavior because you were present and he knew you wouldn't approve. Maybe you could find a way to probe a little and find out what your BF likes about these friends without appearing to be judging him or them. Maybe they were frat brothers in college that are very loyal to him and helped him through some really rough times and he feels he owes them loyalty in return. Or maybe he thinks they are really fun to hang around and cut loose with, and he wants buddies to drink and act like a jackass with. thanks for the update. i will try and probe things out of him and see if he's the same as them. i only met his friends twice, so i have yet to analyze the situation.
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