Donarudo88 Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 Yup just confessed to my gf whom I've been with for a mere 4 months (but feels like forever) that I slept with someone else about a month ago but didnt know how to come clean about it until now. The whole story has a back story thats really long and confusing. but long story short. It happeneded and I told my self it would never happen because I really found someone I genuinely care about for this first time in a long time... and it was with the worse girl possible (who she warned me to not have sex with if I were ever going to contemplate cheating on her..yeah ****ed up...I Know). I just had a kid 2 months ago but unfortunately Im not with that girl for other complicated reasons. And shes who I cheated on my girl with. I was drinking... she was drinking... she started feeling up on me. And before I knew it she was naked. I stopped my self just a few seconds into it but felt like it had might as well been an on-going thing...couldnt beleive I had done. I told my baby mother that I wasnt going to continue because of xyz and dont want her to think about what had just happened and that it didnt mean I still had feelings for her; it was a mistake. 1 month later I find my self rambling off about how much I love my current gf and I feel the urge to come clean while things between us were so near perfect and only getting better and if we were going to make things work out in the future and be a more serious then I couldnt have any skeletons in my closet. She was kinda at a loss for words but now I just need to know what I'm gonna say to her (if she decides that she wants to see me tomorrow as I requested) Now what Einstein...?
sandrawg Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 And shes who I cheated on my girl with. I was drinking... she was drinking... she started feeling up on me. And before I knew it she was naked. I stopped my self just a few seconds into it but felt like it had might as well been an on-going thing...couldnt beleive I had done. Why were you sitting around drinking with your baby mama??? I guess I'm asking, why did you get yourself in a risky situation with this woman? I don't know what you should do at this point. Your girlfriend may never get over this. I mean, I told my bf to stay away from his ex. He didn't sleep with her while we were together, as far as I know, but he did stay in touch with her, and then they hooked up when he and I went through a brief break-up. I can't get over it, so I'm breaking up with him. So, I can't EVEN imagine if he had done what you did, and cheated on me with her. I'd be gone faster than you can BLINK. You have to accept that this may happen. She will probably throw things at you...get crazy angry...once the pain of what you did REALLY sets in. You better prepare for that. And you better not make excuses! I don't care-being drunk is NOT an excuse. You should've never let yourself get in that situation. Don't make excuses. Don't be defensive. Get inside your girl's head and think about how YOU would feel if she had done this to you. You will have a lot of making up to do. A lot of apologizing. A lot of groveling. Are you prepared for this?? Cheating is the HARDEST thing for a rel'ship to overcome-most rel'ships don't survive it, and yours is a pretty new one. So you don't even have a long track record of being trustworthy. I don't understand one thing. Why are you not with your baby mama? Do you want your kid to grow up without a father? I do not understand people who go and make babies when they're not in a stable, healthy rel'ship. I feel really bad for everyone who is affected by your lack of ethics--your gf, your ex, and that baby. Not to sound mean, but you need to seriously sit down and think about what it means to love and respect someone, and the responsibilities it requires. If you are still messing around with your ex, maybe there are some feelings there you need to look at. I hope it works out for you.
LoveJonesRomance Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 And why was she drinking only 1 month after having a baby? Doesn't sound like a good baby mama to me.
porter218 Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 I don't understand one thing. Why are you not with your baby mama? Do you want your kid to grow up without a father? I do not understand people who go and make babies when they're not in a stable, healthy rel'ship. I feel really bad for everyone who is affected by your lack of ethics--your gf, your ex, and that baby. Not to sound mean, but you need to seriously sit down and think about what it means to love and respect someone, and the responsibilities it requires. If you are still messing around with your ex, maybe there are some feelings there you need to look at. . I was agreeing with everything you said until you got here. People should never ever make a decision to stay together because of a baby...never! Just because they are not in a relationship doesn't mean his baby is going to grow up without a father...as long as he stops stringing her along with sex they will be able to co-parent and bring the baby up with plenty of emotional support. Anyway OP, this is going to be a hard one for your gf to get over. The one woman you decided to cheat with is one that she can't demand you stay away from..this is going to be near impossible for her to get over. If your gf decides to try to stay you will need to promise to give up all social interactions with your baby mama and keep it strictly to parenting.
porter218 Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 And why was she drinking only 1 month after having a baby? Doesn't sound like a good baby mama to me. No sh**! I hope she isn't breast feeding!
sandrawg Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 I was agreeing with everything you said until you got here. People should never ever make a decision to stay together because of a baby...never! Just because they are not in a relationship doesn't mean his baby is going to grow up without a father...as long as he stops stringing her along with sex they will be able to co-parent and bring the baby up with plenty of emotional support. Maybe you're right. I will never understand men. This girl was not good enough to stay with, even tho they have a child together, but perfectly fine to have sex with again?? What if she gets pregnant again??
norajane Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 It happeneded and I told my self it would never happen because I really found someone I genuinely care about for this first time in a long time... and it was with the worse girl possible (who she warned me to not have sex with if I were ever going to contemplate cheating on her..yeah ****ed up...I Know). You know, someone who has no intention of cheating because they are with someone they genuinely care about doesn't have to tell themselves cheating would never happen, nor do they have to tell themselves they would never cheat with a specific person. Gf's who believe their bf's genuinely care about them don't have to tell their bf's not to cheat with a specific person. Meaning, both you and your gf knew that you might cheat with your baby momma before you actually cheated. Meaning, it would appear that neither of you were really all that certain that your relationship was on solid ground even before you cheated. Your gf is going to want to understand what makes you think that you are really committed to her and to your relationship when all signs point to the contrary. Think about what makes you think you are really committed to your gf and try to convey that to her. If you can't explain that, then you aren't going to get past this....which may be the best thing for both of you right now, if you really are in a messy place emotionally. You did just have a baby and you did just have sex with your baby momma - are you sure you are emotionally ready to be a loving, monogamous bf? Maybe you need more time to process whatever happened with your relationship with the baby momma - this seems like a rebound relationship with your gf.
carhill Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 A lot of livin' for a now 20 year old.... hope you're using condoms.... Sounds like your d!ck is doing pretty good. How about giving him a break and growing your mind for awhile, eh?
Author Donarudo88 Posted September 27, 2008 Author Posted September 27, 2008 @Sandrawg I wasn't drinking WITH her initially. I was drinking by my self and then she just so happened to show up (which she knows I don't like) and used my daughter as an excuse.. and your theory on men getting girls knocked up then not wanting to be with them may be true, but it certainly wasn't the case between me and her. We weren't dating when she got pregnant but I we were messing around and I knew she still had feelings for me from when we were in a previous relationship but she promised as well as I, that no feelings would get in the mix. I don't have unprotected sex with strangers and I'm not a little horny bastard...I've known my baby mother since I was a child and I know (at least I'd like to think) who she's slept with. I even took her virginity. She said she was on birth control when she got pregnant and supposedly accidentally missed a day but forgot to tell me...which I believe is complete bull**** but I was still by her side for 9 months and told her I'd be there for her and especially there for the baby... but I let her know that we weren't going to be in a relationship all of a sudden just cause we were having a kid. It just wasn't going to happen...plus I was already mad that she lied to me about the bc. It was a one time thing and it only lasted a few seconds... so I know it won't happen again. @everyone else Yes I am ready for her to throw all types of things at me, I'm ready for her to get mad and say things I won't wanna hear, I'm even ready for her to break up with me if that what she really feels she needs to do. I kept all that in mind before I decided I would tell her...I thought for a few that maybe I could just keep it from her because I knew it was a big mistake and it wouldnt happen again, but I felt so guilty after a while and felt like she deserved to hear the truth if I were going to let her take our relationship farther. know how much she cares about me and would ever do that to me in a million years so that made me feel even worse. I just want her to know I have nothing to hide from her as she has always knew about me, and this situation is no exception. Her voice was very passive so I don't know what to expect from her but I'm suppose to be meeting up with her later today so we can talk face to face since I told her over the phone while at work. I deserve everything being said to me in this thread because I know if she did the same with her one of her ex's or something I'd be emotionally distraught. We always told each other if we ever cheated on one another there would be no if ands or buts, just a break up...but I think she's willing to give me a another chance and I'll do whatever it takes to fix things if she does. It just hurts knowing things won't be the same for a long time...if ever. She can be very mysterious at times so I don't even wanna know what she'll be like after this...should I just give her her space or explain to her xyz and then let her make her own decision. She seems very fragile right now and I don't wanna provoke her.
porter218 Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 @Sandrawg She said she was on birth control when she got pregnant and supposedly accidentally missed a day but forgot to tell me...which I believe is complete bull**** but I was still by her side for 9 months and told her I'd be there for her and especially there for the baby... but I let her know that we weren't going to be in a relationship all of a sudden just cause we were having a kid. It just wasn't going to happen...plus I was already mad that she lied to me about the bc. It was a one time thing and it only lasted a few seconds... so I know it won't happen again. Now that is just jumping to conclusions. This happens to a lot of people. Taking the pill is a really bad idea if you are not good at remembering to take it everyday and at exactly the same time. When you mis a day you are more fertile and likely to get pregnant then if you were just not using any bc at all. Judge her if you like, but I am betting that she is telling the truth. Many women I know have become pregnant from the same mistake.
Author Donarudo88 Posted September 27, 2008 Author Posted September 27, 2008 I understand that she may have forgotten...but I was more angry that she forgot to take it and DIDN'T tell me about it until she actually thought she was pregnant. She was at least a month pregnant when she even told me about the time she forgot to take the pill. A heads up would've been real nice. She always speaks about how she wants to have my kid and even though she was on bc for some time before this happened, I should have paid attn to the red flags and took more caution regardless. I don't put all the blame on her at all, it takes two..but this could've been avoided.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 I understand that she may have forgotten...but I was more angry that she forgot to take it and DIDN'T tell me about it until she actually thought she was pregnant. She was at least a month pregnant when she even told me about the time she forgot to take the pill. A heads up would've been real nice. She always speaks about how she wants to have my kid and even though she was on bc for some time before this happened, I should have paid attn to the red flags and took more caution regardless. I don't put all the blame on her at all, it takes two..but this could've been avoided. Um, in her defense...why would she worry you with something that she didn't even know would be a problem/blessing? She may have played you, sure. But let me just tell you...my first child was the result of failed BC (yes, that .1% failure rate? That's me.) and my fourth was the result of a failed vasectomy. So there are women out there getting pregnant who DO take precautions and get little bundles of joy anyhow. For the GF issue...it's good that you told her the truth, and maybe there's something to be salvaged from that, but I'd leave you. She might. It really all depends on whether she's accepting of honesty after-the-fact.
Author Donarudo88 Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 We talked a little bit earlier and I had to hear some things that I wasn't ready to here, but nothing that I didn't have coming. She decided that she's going to stay with me but a lot is going to change and the road to recovery isn't going to be a short one. But that's more than enough for me. Thanks for all the input guys
norajane Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 We talked a little bit earlier and I had to hear some things that I wasn't ready to here, but nothing that I didn't have coming. She decided that she's going to stay with me but a lot is going to change and the road to recovery isn't going to be a short one. But that's more than enough for me. Thanks for all the input guys What kind of changes are you two talking about? Have you discussed anything specific? You have a long and complicated history with the baby momma, and she is always going to be in your life. What will you do to make sure that you don't have sex with her again? She was able to seduce you pretty easily a month ago. How can she mean nothing to you - she's been in your life since childhood, you've been friends, you've dated, you've fwb'd, you have a baby together, and you cheated with her. You are obviously attracted to her, and you aren't 'done' with each other yet. So, how are you going to set all that aside for your gf?
pretty professional Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Have you considered reuniting with the mother of your child and taking some responsibility for your child?
Author Donarudo88 Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 Have you considered reuniting with the mother of your child and taking some responsibility for your child? What are you talking about.. I see my baby everyday. Taking care of her has never been an issue. I dont need to 'reunite' with anyone in order to be there for my child. we may not be living with eachother and have our differences but we put everything aside when it comes to parenting. Things aren't ideal but I don't ever let the baby get in between things.
carhill Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 From the tone of your OP, it sounds like you ended things with your baby's mother and she's perhaps trying to get you back. Is that right? TBH, at your age, it's going to be hard to find a woman who will be open-minded and trusting enough for you to have the kind of relationship you currently have with your baby's mother. What you're dealing with takes a lot of maturity, being a father and resisting the advances of someone you once had sex with all the time, or resisting making advances yourself. It remains to be seen if your current GF is that woman. I hope so IMO, be open to her perspective and do not pursue her. She has the required information and now needs to digest it. I would also suggest finding other, more public, ways of co-parenting, so situations such as the one in your OP do not occur, at least for the time being. You surely have a lot on your plate. Many gifts
Author Donarudo88 Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 Yeah that's exactly right. And you're right it is very difficult. But I'm making sure that everything I''m doing I keep in mind my daughter because I know relationships come and go and regardless of what's going on between me and my BM my daughter is always going to be around. Thanks for you insight and constructive criticism.
norajane Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Yeah that's exactly right. And you're right it is very difficult. But I'm making sure that everything I''m doing I keep in mind my daughter because I know relationships come and go and regardless of what's going on between me and my BM my daughter is always going to be around. Thanks for you insight and constructive criticism. You really are going to have to address your relationship with the baby momma, and make some changes. The changes are not only to make your gf feel more confident that you want to be faithful to her, but also because you and your baby's mother need to resolve your relationship. You cannot be successful with your gf (or any other woman you date in the future if your gf ends up walking away) if your relationship with baby momma is always a constant or potential threat or wild card. As I asked in my previous post, are you giving thought to these questions? What kind of changes are you two talking about? Have you discussed anything specific? You have a long and complicated history with the baby momma, and she is always going to be in your life. What will you do to make sure that you don't have sex with her again? She was able to seduce you pretty easily a month ago. How can she mean nothing to you - she's been in your life since childhood, you've been friends, you've dated, you've fwb'd, you have a baby together, and you cheated with her. You are obviously attracted to her, and you aren't 'done' with each other yet. So, how are you going to set all that aside for your gf?
sandrawg Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Yeah that's exactly right. And you're right it is very difficult. But I'm making sure that everything I''m doing I keep in mind my daughter because I know relationships come and go and regardless of what's going on between me and my BM my daughter is always going to be around. Thanks for you insight and constructive criticism. Some thoughts occurred to me of what you might do to make your gf feel more secure after all this. Are you willing to do them? I'm just putting myself in her position. 1) you need to set boundaries w/your baby mama. Explain to her that the FWB activity is not going to work. The rel'ship is OVER (but you need to make sure in your mind that it really is. Don't be half-a**sed, or your gf will detect it. She'll know if you're one foot in, one foot out.) That said, express to your bm that you are still committed to raising the child in a healthy manner. But if she's looking for a man, she needs to look elsewhere. Tell the BM that the sex thing will never happen again, and if she cannot act in a respectful way towards your current rel'ship, you will not talk to her anymore about anything other than the child. Perhaps you could write all this down in an email, and bc your gf, so she knows you followed through. 2) You will prob need to tell your gf about any contact you have w/your baby mama, at least for a while, til she builds up her trust. And I mean, you need to come clean about everything-any text msg, phone call, visit. 3) Maybe your gf should even meet your baby mama, if it comes to that. That makes it more real to your baby mama that you're taken. I really hope you can make this work. You have a tough road ahead of you. And you're young, but you seem willing, and your gf seems willing, so hopefully it'll work out.
pretty professional Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 If this woman is good enough to father a child with, then sleep with again, she is good enough to reunite with so you can raise your child together and give your daughter a shot at a family together.
Trialbyfire Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 One thing I didn't notice mentioned in this thread. Are you certain your baby's mamma isn't going to be your babies mamma? Watch for the signs. A woman who would try to trap you once, might be trying again.
pretty professional Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 Just because she got pregnant, doesn't mean she was trying to trap him. It takes two to tango.
porter218 Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 Just because she got pregnant, doesn't mean she was trying to trap him. It takes two to tango. And just because they aren't living together or having sex anymore doesn't mean they can't be a family together. Some people just don't belong together...trying to stick together just for the sake of the child would be setting a bad example for their baby.
Author Donarudo88 Posted September 29, 2008 Author Posted September 29, 2008 Thanks for all the input guys. I've done virtually everything said...besides making them meet eachother because they both secretly hate eachother... but I think sandrawg made a good point about doing so to make things more real to my bm. You guys have been really helpful and helped me in a time of need when I didn't know who to turn to...and I dont even know you guys. So with that said. I'll probably be back on here posting away like I did 3 years ago when I was in a premature relationship. Thanks a million ladies and gents
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