lofi_tokyo Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 Hey all! So, NC is going well, and after all that has happened in the last three weeks, I am definately getting better each day... but I am ashamed to admit, on thing still haunts me: How did he just find another woman and move on so easily? Has anyone reading this post ever left the person they were with for another person? What motivated you to do so? Did you ever regret your choice? Were you happy with your choice? Did you miss your ex? My exboyfriend and I broke up then a week later he was dating a new girl - part of the reason we broke up was he was neglecting time with me for her. I am not trying to get him back, I am not hoping for him back, but I do not fully understand his motivation. Well, I think I get it, but I'd like to hear what people have to say. So please... any insight into this?
EmperorR Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 I wonder the same thing, my ex dumped me saying she wanted to be alone, then last i talked to her she had a crush on this guy and they were talking like 2 hours a day, thats when I went into NC, so i don't if they are together now or whatever. I know her alot, and i Know its just a rebound and once she doesn't get the attention, and he sees her and not just the happily bubbly act she puts on it will fail but eh......
BoerumHill Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 WTF knows? And why should you care? I know, trite answers don't work so well with matters of the heart that are consuming you. But at the end of the day, you just have to say "F*** him, you gotta get on with your life." You're not there yet, so I'll give this my best shot... There's no right answer to your questions. Nobody really knows except one person, and he's not posting tonight; he's busy hanging out with Ms. Denial. Either he is completely oblivious, or he is unwilling to deal with his own feelings. Whichever it is, he's just postponing emotions that will surface sooner or later. You're dealing with real feelings as they come, going through a process that takes an indeterminate amount of time. You're be coming out on the other side having dealt with those feelings; if you continue to do the work, this won't destroy you, and you'll be stronger than ever. Imagine what it would be like for you - or what it will be like for him - to deny yourself all of that pain and introspection. What happens to people who just push everything deeper down inside? It sucks to be where you are at...but not nearly as much as carrying that baggage around you and into the next relationship. I wouldn't waste too many calories on trying to figure out why he is doing what he is doing. Those questions don't have definitive answers, so it's a bit futile. But more importantly, know you are on the right path. It takes time to heal, and sometimes it feels like 3 steps forward then 2 steps back, but that's OK...you are on your way, one day at a time.
mental_traveller Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 Usually the reason is that they long since became frustrated with the relationship. So they slowly "gave up" and thus when the break comes, they are already half checked-out. There's not much adjusting for them to do, since they have for weeks or months been adjusting to the idea that it's unlikely to work. If you think back over the last few months, chances are they gave numerous hints that they were unhappy or losing interest. It's easy to move on fast when you have lost interest in staying with someone.
Author lofi_tokyo Posted September 27, 2008 Author Posted September 27, 2008 Thanks for the posts everyone! I know you're partially right Mental. I was in Japan for a month, and a month before that I was in my hometown, so he had two whole months to just... let his bad feelings stew. I guess I was more surprised by the fact he decided it would be easier to just move on to someone new, rather than work out the issues he was having. That being said, I'm 19, hes 20... what did I expect? I knew we would break up someday, we had been together since we were 16/17 and needed time for ourselves. Like I said, I'm enjoying being on my own, for the most part. Its nice to just get a chance to be myself without being weighed down by a long distance, long term relationship. Still, comes as a shock I guess. That he picked someone new to be with, rather than us just talking and agreeing it wasn't working. Going our separate ways is one thing, him leaving me for another woman is another... it makes me feel smaller.... not necessarily overall, but in his eyes, it makes me have low self-esteem towards him... but I guess we're done now, so why does it matter what he thinks of me? I suppose because... even though we knew our time together was limited, I wanted to walk away being two people who cared for eachother and respected eachother. Instead, I feel abandoned.
JooLee Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 my experience with my first bf describes what you ask. he was the sweetest ever but he had to move back home (he was from another country). initially he promised that he will be back but he didnt know when and we kept our relationship going, but i had doubts in it. i knew it will never work out (due to the differences of our culture and family) so therefore i took a step out and a week later i was dating someone else (someone who i fell deep in love with, my first love - ONLY AFTER A LONG PERIOD OF DATING NOT A CASE OF I KNOW HIM FOR A MONTH AND I LOVE HIM). the reason why i broke it off was because i knew it would go nowhere and i wasnt ready to be stall my life for someone i didnt know would ever come back. i still love him though, (not in love) and i still do think of him every once in a while and till today, i had 2 bf after him but no one could come up to how amazing he was as a bf. i didnt leave him for the other guy, we had a serious talk and he couldnt deny that this relationship would go nowhere. i dont regret the decision but i do miss him, and i do hope i'll see him again. (its been 4 years since) he was my best friend and he'll always have a special place in my heart. although sometimes i wonder what if? i know for sure that if he never left, i would probably still be with him till now. i dont know if it applies to your ex. just i can say, i was young and i wasnt ready to settle down yet in a committed rship with someone that wasnt by my side. you can say its selfish but i was being honest to him and myself. perharps he feels that way, perharps not... but what you should do is stop obsessing and analyzing his actions. once you let it go.. it gets better.. and you'll get better
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