read. im desperate!

[unknown815]

so here's my story:

 

I am 26 years old. I have been on and off with the same man for 7 years. We started dating when we were 19 but i knew him when i was 15. We didn't speak for years and started up again when i was 19.. I love him with all my heart. We have been through our fair share of drama. I have hurt him terribly in the past (when we first started seeing each other) and since then - its him who has somehow gained a certain control over me that I've never gotten back.

After being together for so many years he decided that he didn't want to be with me anymore. needed to "find" himself and focus on his career. He moved 45mins away into the City and into his own apartment. This was after a five year relationship. I was heart broken. Did crazy things and made things worse.He started to HATE me. I was sick to my stomach. After he moved - we completely stopped talking for about 8 months. No contact. I did however know that he had a new girlfriend. We have common friends.

 

So after not speaking for 8 months i finally was coming around to being happy again. I was actually on a vacation with my girlfriends when he called me out of the blue..Since that phone call we started seeing each other again. Never talking about our past... I would basically go there and spend the weekends with him just having fun - nothing too serious. About 3 months in - I found i was pregnant. This was a shock and very overwhelming. I knew immediately i was going to keep my child. He did not take this well. It was a disaster. He told me how much he HATED my guts and wrote me hate mail. Told me he never loved me and if i keep the child he would never look at me again. he told me that it probably wasn't his and if so - i "TRAPPED" him into it. Devastating!!!

He also told me that he had yet a NEW girlfriend that he just met and he was very happy with. I knew this was the truth because people saw them out together.. We never saw each other for the first 7 months of my pregnancy. He called occasionally to check and claimed he would be there for the child but never for me. PS - He comes from a good family who i kept in touch with throughout the pregnancy.

 

So 7 months in - he called me and said he was moving back into his parent who live right near me. He came to me and cried. apologized over and over claiming what a fool he was. saying he was just scared and very immature. HE' 27 by the way! He told me he loved me and missed me and wanted to make it work.

I fell for it. I love him. We can be so great together. I let him in my heart again.

 

My daughter is now 1 years old. We were talking about living with each other and a future...

About 2 months ago he said this was just too much for him and he needed to move back to Manhattan to get back into his career. that it would make "us" better..That he needed sometime for hi,self and wasn't ready to fully commit and put the time in that i deserved..2 weeks in - i found out YET AGAIN that he is seeing a new girl. When i confronted him - all hell broke out. He admitted everything but started with his "hate" mode again. He said he NEVER told me he loved me or wanted a future with me. That i am a nut and need to stay out of his personal life...Its like - if he's not with me, he forces himself to Hate me to validate why he does what he does. If he hates me - it easier for him. who knows...

 

Now he's with this girl. She hasn't been around my child but i do know that when my daughter sleeps at his house - the girl comes over and they hangout once she is sleeping. We only speak when it has something to do with our daughter. He drops her off and picks her up and we don't even look at each other.

 

I am so devastated and I KNOW that i shouldn't want someone who did this to me..Its just that I know it could have been so great if he allowed it to be. He couldn't commit to me - so how could he commit to this other women???? It makes me sick. I was so good to him and dont know what to do. YES, I do want him back. I dont think i can get over this and move on. In my head, hes never coming back...I need advice. Do you think he will come back. Can anyone please comment.

I am a good looking women and dont have a problem dating other men. there is nothing wrong with me except the fact that i just cant seem to get on with the thought of him not being here. I'm very very scared. I pray 5 times a day. i feel insane. I just cant understand how he could live with himself knowing what hes done. How he could be with another women so easily. I cant sleep, cant get this out of my head. i feel lost and alone. i need help

[lonelyandfrustrated]

hugs to you. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

Even if he did come back, would you really believe that he WAS back? You'd be setting yourself up for a lifetime of waiting for the other shoe to fall, when he'd pack off and scream that he hated you, again. "Time for himself" translates to "I'm a selfish prick", ya know?

 

Time will help to make the feelings less raw, and counseling can help to make you feel stronger and confident that you CAN do this on your own.

[unknown815]

thanks for the reply. He is very selfish. its just bery hard to deal with espeically knowing he has himself involved with this other women. it kill me knowing he spends his time with her opposed to his daughter and myself. I'm sure its just a rebound but i cant keep thinking that hes gonna wind up with this women for a very long time. never really alowing himself to see what hes missing

[Eyeofthoth]

I just can't understand how he could live with himself knowing what he's done.

 

Yeah. This has gotten me too. What still drives me nuts 4 months post break-up, is: How could a person who was so good, so obviously deeply in love with me, and so perfect for me do something so awful to me and not wake up and come around and say "I just realized what an idiot I was and you are the one, please, please take me back and I will never look back again."

 

So here is the thing: He has a big, big problem. He has commitment issues, maturity issues, common decency issues. . . You don't and that is why you can't understand how he can act this way.

 

The thing that is so painful for me is that a person having these issues is not all bad, there is still all that great stuff there. But these issues are huge and should be deal-breakers, just as much as if he was perfect for you but he lived on Mars and was never moving to Earth.

 

Maybe you could take some comfort in the fact that he does not seem to have worked on his issues at all and therefore the odds are very good that they will continue to destroy his present and future relationships. Maybe this is mean-thinking but I am just waiting for my ex's current relationship to explode. I mean, how can it not, when he has such major issues?

 

Of course I daydream that he will come back to me because I am the one he can work through his issues and heal with. We had the potential as a couple to do that for one another. And I think he knows it.

 

But I am a fool, and I don't recommend that sort of daydream for anyone else. I recommend angerand shut-out.

[You'reasian]

so here's my story:

 

I have hurt him terribly in the past (when we first started seeing each other) and since then - its him who has somehow gained a certain control over me that I've never gotten back.

 

After being together for so many years he decided that he didn't want to be with me anymore. needed to "find" himself and focus on his career. He moved 45mins away into the City and into his own apartment. This was after a five year relationship. I was heart broken. Did crazy things and made things worse.He started to HATE me. I was sick to my stomach. After he moved - we completely stopped talking for about 8 months. No contact. I did however know that he had a new girlfriend.

 

Now he's with this girl. She hasn't been around my child but i do know that when my daughter sleeps at his house - the girl comes over and they hangout once she is sleeping. We only speak when it has something to do with our daughter. He drops her off and picks her up and we don't even look at each other.

 

I am so devastated and I KNOW that i shouldn't want someone who did this to me..Its just that I know it could have been so great if he allowed it to be. He couldn't commit to me - so how could he commit to this other women???? I

 

t makes me sick. I was so good to him and dont know what to do. YES, I do want him back. I dont think i can get over this and move on. In my head, hes never coming back...I need advice. Do you think he will come back. Can anyone please comment.

 

I am a good looking women and dont have a problem dating other men. there is nothing wrong with me except the fact that i just cant seem to get on with the thought of him not being here. I'm very very scared. I pray 5 times a day. i feel insane. I just cant understand how he could live with himself knowing what hes done. How he could be with another women so easily. I cant sleep, cant get this out of my head. i feel lost and alone. i need help

 

Unknown815,

 

Your answers are straight in front of you.

 

1. You hurt your man terribly in the past - how - none of our business - but you did something.

 

2. After he decided to leave, heal and get on with his life - you did some deviant or strange things - which further damaged your relationship with him and made him not only lose respect for you, but hate you. i.e. How could this woman I spent so much time with do these freaky things with other people or crazy things toward me when she says she loves me?!

 

3. He's decided that he wants to be with someone who will not do the things you did early on to hurt him or lose his trust.

 

There is no such thing as unconditional love (except from God or from parent-child) - and your man found someone whom he could trust, so he was able to committ.

 

4. Lastly, you can't get over him because you met a man who was willing to love you and try to trust you from the start but you decided to do things (i.e. cheat on him or betray him somehow) that destroyed every ounce of trust, respect and care he had for you.

[unknown815]

I think you have this all wrong. When I said I have done him wrong, let me clarify. This was when we were MUCH younger. He was totally infatuated with me at the age of 16. I was his first kiss. he wrote me love letters and wanted to be my boyfriend. I was a young girl and stopped speaking to him..When we met up 3 or 4 years later - I was involved in a relationship..I started seeing him anyway on a friend level. Just stringing him along for a while. He finally woke up one day and stopped putting up with all crap. I had lost him. It wasn't till than I realized how much I really did love him. I left my boyfriend of 2 years for him. From that day forward I did nothing but shower him with love and affection. We were amazing together. We went for years being so happy. I mean come on, I was young back then. Totally different playing field now.

He since then has done MUCH worse. Always leaving me and coming back. Leaving me for 7 months of my pregnancy . There is NO comparison!

 

As far as him being able to "commit" to another women, that is still unknown. I know he is seeing someone and am only scared he will. He most likely will not if we review his track record.

 

I don't know anymore. I do know I love him. I have tried everything. I have acted angry, acted sad, written letters, tried playing it cool which is where I am now. I am pretending that I am happy. Being very civil when we exchange our daughter. On the inside I am deeply devastated and wish I knew the secret to getting him back. I want him to just wake up and realize what's he missing out on. I truly believe our future could have been amazing..The saddest part about this is I know he loves me and is only hiding behind someone else because he doesn't know how to be responsible for me and a child. You see if he's with me, we are a family almost. he also resents me so much for having a child when he wasn't ready. I know he would have been back already if he wasnt playing with someone else.

 

Any suggestions? €

[lonelyandfrustrated]

The stuff we imagine could happen rarely happens. The best suggestion I can give you is to stop acting. Stop pretending. Be real. Be calm, but be real about what you want, and be prepared for rejection.

[unknown815]

well i think i will do that in time. i dont want to put it all out there now becasue i feel it is too sonna nd being he has someone, its an almost guarenteed rejection...im hoping for them 2 to fall apart first then im thinking i have a better shot