What came first: the chemistry or the connection?

[Isolde]

So on my other thread there was a huge adjunct debate about what comes first, chemistry or connection. (Not talking about physical/sexual chemistry here, but the other kind)

 

You know some people think there has to be that click, spark, explosion, crackle, hiss, whatever the stupid word they call it is... on the first or second date or dating that person is a waste of time.

 

Some people think chemistry develops and isn't inherent or fixed.

 

What do you all think? It really is a chicken and egg problem cos you can't care about someone without emotional chemistry but you can't have true chemistry unless you have a connection...

 

right?

 

See I'm weird cos I don't look for someone who has everything in common with me, blah blah, in fact I think it would be scary if I just started talking to them and they sounded "just like me..." I think I would be more trusting of something that started out as getting to know someone for who they are completely separate of me and then deciding that I really really like them and we have certain things in common that we really connect over but we also connect in an elemental non superficial level that doesn't require that we're alike in a, b, c ways.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that chemistry, that "click" can be a really superficial and misleading thing, and MIGHT not even be necessary to a good relationship. And I think it's entirely possible for two people to be interested in each other with only a latent chemistry.

 

I bet some of you are gonna say I'm overthinking but the point of this thread is to challenge the notion that chemistry governs a relationship.

[LoveDeluxe78]

Great topic! Both my mom and my sister say I am way too quick to jump for a guy with whom I feel the chemistry with first! I really do, I've tried it the other way around, and I don't even understand how that works! And the chemistry aspect, even if you want to take physical out of the equation, it's still there because I'm sure it adds to the chemistry between two people!

 

I always go for a guy with whom I feel a chemistry with first, then I see if we have a connection/compatibility! My sister will date a guy with whom she absolutely has no chemistry with first, but she feels a connection with them, and then she waits and sees! But that's so backwards to me, so counterproductive! How long do you keep dating someone until you find out if there is going to be chemistry? It's different if you meet as friends first and something happens later down the line, but she will literally meet a guy and go on dates with him and feel absolutely NO chemistry! What??!!! But then again, my dating history hasn't been all THAT great, so who knows, maybe I'm wrong! lol

 

I am definitely a "chemistry" gal!!!!

[gummybear]

Hm...maybe I'm not understanding this 100%, but I always thought chemistry and connection were the same. Well, for me, it's always about how well we get along from the very first date. What this means is, does our conversations flow really well and we can't stop talking or is it kinda awkward and we're struggling to find stuff to talk about or we're getting bored? And for me if I'm having a great conversation with something, then to me that is the spark/chemistry which I think is pretty fundamental to a relationship. Usually when that happens, we both just know that we'd prob end up dating each other exclusively.

 

Whereas when we're struggling to connect we're not sure if we really like each other and that uncertaintly and having to 'try' to connect just isnt that fun to deal with it. I rather have someone I connect with and have sparks with from the very beginning.

[Crestfallen_KH]

I've never had chemistry without the connection.

 

I have had a connection without chemistry, however.

[LoveDeluxe78]

Well I've been infatuated with a person (chemistry basically hit me in the face), but didn't feel a connection in that we didn't really click in things we were talking about (he was 9 years younger than mseylf), and had absolutely nothing in common. Perhaps that was just a physical attraction? But it wasn't so clear cut, it was like I felt I wanted to be around him, get to know him, but deep down, and especially in hindsight, we had no connection/compatibility at all!

[pandagirl]

I guess I go for chemistry first, but I can also tell if we don't connect on a personality level, that it won't go any further. At the very least, you have to LIKE the person in some way or another.

 

However, I think people definitely write off potential relationships because everything isn't "perfect" right from the start. Or that it doesn't seem like "love" after a month of dating. From past experiences, as long as there is a good amount of chemistry and compatibility and you have a good time together, that is half the battle. The rest of the battle is deciding to be open to the possibility of something more.

[gummybear]

Well I've been infatuated with a person (chemistry basically hit me in the face), but didn't feel a connection in that we didn't really click in things we were talking about (he was 9 years younger than mseylf), and had absolutely nothing in common. Perhaps that was just a physical attraction? But it wasn't so clear cut, it was like I felt I wanted to be around him, get to know him, but deep down, and especially in hindsight, we had no connection/compatibility at all!

 

Maybe I have a different definition of chemistry...cuz I always thought chemistry was about clicking in every facet possible haha. And that usually means two people have lots in common and can relate to each other thus the sparks are flying. Personally, I've never been infaturated on someone based on looks alone, it usually requires WAY more than that...so maybe that's why lol

[LoveDeluxe78]

Maybe I have a different definition of chemistry...cuz I always thought chemistry was about clicking in every facet possible haha. And that usually means two people have lots in common and can relate to each other thus the sparks are flying. Personally, I've never been infaturated on someone based on looks alone, it usually requires WAY more than that...so maybe that's why lol

 

Yeah this whole post is a bit confusing because what you are defining as chemistry, I am thinking "connection"! lol

 

For me, chemistry is a bit more on the physical attraction side, and connection ins more on a compatibility side. I have felt "connected" to most of my guy friends, but they are just my friends because I feel absolutely no chemistry with them! We can finish each others sentences, they understand me, they "get me" but no chemistry, nothing!!!! It would almost be "incestuous" to ever hook up with anyone of them.

 

And on the flip side, I have felt chemistry with a person, but no connection so that doesn't go very far, unless you're just looking for something based on physical aspects, which is not what I'm not looking for....at least at this point in my life.

[gummybear]

Yeah this whole post is a bit confusing because what you are defining as chemistry, I am thinking "connection"! lol

 

For me, chemistry is a bit more on the physical attraction side, and connection ins more on a compatibility side. I have felt "connected" to most of my guy friends, but they are just my friends because I feel absolutely no chemistry with them! We can finish each others sentences, they understand me, they "get me" but no chemistry, nothing!!!! It would almost be "incestuous" to ever hook up with anyone of them.

 

And on the flip side, I have felt chemistry with a person, but no connection so that doesn't go very far, unless you're just looking for something based on physical aspects, which is not what I'm not looking for....at least at this point in my life.

 

 

Haha very interesting...in that case I can say I've never felt chemistry in my life haha. Normally there is a connection then after a few weeks I fall in love lol

[LoveDeluxe78]

Haha very interesting...in that case I can say I've never felt chemistry in my life haha. Normally there is a connection then after a few weeks I fall in love lol

 

 

lol, as for me, the opposite is true! I feel such strong chemistry with certain guys in the beginning (and I know it's only chemistry mind you, don't feel in love or emotionally invested or anything yet at first), but I am HOPING there is a connection too, and usually, I find out there isn't! lol Or something about them is horribly incompatible with me, their lifestyle, or their values, or whatever it is!!!! So yes, my life story has been, it's always been the OTHER way around from yours! lol

[Isolde]

NO this thread isn't about physical attraction vs. connections, it's about something a bit more subtle. Gosh I wish I could explain it better: ianandris should come on here and talk about his experience with this.

 

Chemistry IS important! It's just that sometimes, the dating game isn't the best venue to see if two people have it, especially if they're shy, reserved. You know how some people actually prefer to be friends with someone before dating, that's because friendship is a great non-pressured way to see if two people could click over TIME.

 

That's all it really is, a timing thing. I'm not questioning the value of chemistry, I'm just saying is it really possible to tell from a couple conversations about food and movies?

 

What I'm saying is there's a dimension beyond chemistry and that's what I'm calling a connection. Chemistry is but a tool to help you find it. And I think that tool is really overrated as key to a relationship.

 

Maybe I'm just saying these things because I don't recall if I've ever had a conversation with someone and intuited that we'd develop a relationship and been proven right.

[gummybear]

NO this thread isn't about physical attraction vs. connections, it's about something a bit more subtle. Gosh I wish I could explain it better: ianandris should come on here and talk about his experience with this.

 

Chemistry IS important! It's just that sometimes, the dating game isn't the best venue to see if two people have it, especially if they're shy, reserved. You know how some people actually prefer to be friends with someone before dating, that's because friendship is a great non-pressured way to see if two people could click over TIME.

 

That's all it really is, a timing thing. I'm not questioning the value of chemistry, I'm just saying is it really possible to tell from a couple conversations about food and movies?

 

What I'm saying is there's a dimension beyond chemistry and that's what I'm calling a connection. Chemistry is but a tool to help you find it. And I think that tool is really overrated as key to a relationship.

 

Maybe I'm just saying these things because I don't recall if I've ever had a conversation with someone and intuited that we'd develop a relationship and been proven right.

 

Can you define chemistry first? Then define connection? lol

[LoveDeluxe78]

Can you define chemistry first? Then define connection? lol

 

Yeah, we are more than happy to give our our perspective based on your definitions of chemistry and connection as it seems it varies from one person to another.

[Isolde]

Well in the context of my post I use chemistry to mean that conversational spark, the inspiration to keep talking to someone, and by connection I mean the overall pull you feel towards someone that isn't just sexual.

 

I think I've met maybe one or two guys that I felt instant chemistry with, (in college) and we never went on a date, so unfortunately I never got a chance to test the feeling.

 

I just don't think I have chemistry with many people, so maybe this whole post is an attempt to reassure myself that maybe instant chemistry isn't that important ^^

[Isolde]

Oh and also

I went on a couple dates with this guy and conversation didn't flow too well but I didn't necessarily think "we don't have chemistry", in fact I kind of liked him. Is that weird? I just have a hard time making judgments aobut chemistry and taking them as cues whether to continue something or not

[gummybear]

Well in the context of my post I use chemistry to mean that conversational spark, the inspiration to keep talking to someone, and by connection I mean the overall pull you feel towards someone that isn't just sexual.

 

I think I've met maybe one or two guys that I felt instant chemistry with, (in college) and we never went on a date, so unfortunately I never got a chance to test the feeling.

 

I just don't think I have chemistry with many people, so maybe this whole post is an attempt to reassure myself that maybe instant chemistry isn't that important ^^

 

Do you mean chemistry as in the initial spark? And connection as in long term compatibility/similar values?

[gummybear]

Oh and also

I went on a couple dates with this guy and conversation didn't flow too well but I didn't necessarily think "we don't have chemistry", in fact I kind of liked him. Is that weird? I just have a hard time making judgments aobut chemistry and taking them as cues whether to continue something or not

 

Oh that is VERY normal, and i think that you will know whether to continue or not based on experience. For instance, Tues night I had a date with a guy and there was no instant spark and our conversation didnt flow too well either. However, I did like him (he was attractive, funny and nice). But overall I decided not to continue because I've dated enough guys to know what personalities work for me in a relationship. I like guys who are a bit shy and vulnerable whereas this guy was not that type of guy.

[Isolde]

Why do you think I'm upset that I've never been in a relationship, lol. I'm very naive about what guys are good for me I THINK I like the quiet observant types better, too, but I'm not sure.

[LoveDeluxe78]

Oh that is VERY normal, and i think that you will know whether to continue or not based on experience. For instance, Tues night I had a date with a guy and there was no instant spark and our conversation didnt flow too well either. However, I did like him (he was attractive, funny and nice). But overall I decided not to continue because I've dated enough guys to know what personalities work for me in a relationship. I like guys who are a bit shy and vulnerable whereas this guy was not that type of guy.

 

Gummybear, I really envy you, in a good way of course! I know the type of guys (lookswise) I'm attracted to, I know the type of personalities I am drawn to, I know with whom I'll have a connection and chemistry, but I DON'T know which type of guy I will be COMPATIBLE with! That's the problem, I end up dating them for awhile, and everything is "perfect" and then I find out I'm not compatible with them (values, lifestyle, etc.)! But in a way, doesn't this happen ALL the time? Because if you found you were compatible with a person and everything else was great, you'd be married or with them long term right?

[Isolde]

Gummybear, I really envy you, in a good way of course! I know the type of guys (lookswise) I'm attracted to, I know the type of personalities I am drawn to, I know with whom I'll have a connection and chemistry, but I DON'T know which type of guy I will be COMPATIBLE with! That's the problem, I end up dating them for awhile, and everything is "perfect" and then I find out I'm not compatible with them (values, lifestyle, etc.)! But in a way, doesn't this happen ALL the time? Because if you found you were compatible with a person and everything else was great, you'd be married or with them long term right?

 

You're normal: compatibility is the last step and one that many relationships never really reach.

[Yamaha]

For me, when I am talking to a women and things are flowing great and I'm thinking " there is no place I would rather be right now then here talking to this women " that is chemistry and connection.

[Isolde]

Like I talked to this guy online and we have the best conversational chemistry but most likely we'll never actually meet and even if we did the chances of attraction would be pretty slim.

 

Chemistry doesn't guarantee anything... yea I think that's my main point... people act like because there's chemistry it's "meant to be" and it will last forever. Whereas they might not even actually have a connection

 

Chemistry and connection are different

[pandagirl]

Connection trumps chemistry, I think. For sure.

[Isolde]

or even:

chemistry is the way things are said, but connection is how you feel about it all