when to bring up "D" and how

[base618]

So spent past year on the divorce section of this site. Going out dating again but here's the problem. Twice already, a bit into the date I get "how are you still single?" The answer to that is that I got divorced a year ago.

 

The marriage was 14 months, tried having a baby for 14 months, surgeries, procedures, etc. ex-wife completely went off the deep end and I caught her sleeping with a friend/co-worker (2 weeks after insemination attempt). They've since run off to the other side of the country together.

 

So here is my question... when explaining the "divorce" should you just say that you are divorced and stop at that point, or do you give any kind of background info? I'm sure when people hear divorce, they wonder if there was cheating involved, and if it's the person sitting across the table from them. I also have zero contact with the ex, no kids, 1,200 miles away etc. Those are all positives, but cannot be brought up unless you tell the whole story.

 

In the past, I've said the following when discussing the divorce:

 

"I have no idea what the rules are when discussing a divorce when out on a date. So in an effort to not divulge too much, I'll give you the very brief version, but nothing about it bothers me, don't mind discussing it, so feel free to ask anything you want and I'll explain it further."

[superd]

Unfortunately, you have to play with all your cards on the table.

[Crestfallen_KH]

I have a similiar situation - ex-husband left me for a married co-worker a year ago.

 

The approach that I've taken is just to be honest about it, without going into a lot of detail right away. I say something like this:

 

"I was married, but divorced late last year. The divorce was definitely a painful experience, but I've explored the reasons why the marriage failed, and I've decided to learn from the experience and grow as a person, so that's been my focus."

 

If the guy asks questions, I'll give brief answers. I'll then explain more if we end up getting to know one another better. I'm now able to talk about it without getting too emotional, angry, etc. so I feel as long as I am honest about it and "show" that I had/have a plan to continue moving forward, that's what will resonate.

 

When you're dating someone who has been divorced, you can usually tell very quickly where he/she is in the healing process. I don't proclaim that "nothing about it bothers me" - that's actually a red flag for me if I hear a guy say that, particularly about a recent divorce. And, let's face it, a year out is still pretty recent. When I hear someone say that, I instantly think that this is a guy who is lying to himself. You CAN'T go through a divorce and have "nothing about it bother you" particularly where infidelity is involved. I look for a guy who is honest enough to admit that some aspects about it were certainly painful, but that he's evaluated the relationship and isn't still "hung up" on her, boarding the train to Bitterville, and is focused on his own healing and growing. I want to know that the guy has done the emotional work that I have to get to a better place and, consequently, will make a better partner (as will I) down the road.

[superd]

Crestfallen is advising you to respond to a prospective partner like it was a job interview. I don't know if that will work.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

At a certain age you just expect that a certain percentage of single people will be divorced.

 

There are lots of reasons for divorce, cheating being one of them, but there are a lot of more benign reasons too. Maybe the person married their high school sweetheart and they both changed a lot. Maybe they loved each other but argued too much. I don't know. I guess what I'm saying is that just because a person is divorced does not mean they are "damaged goods".

 

I think you should keep it short and sweet in the beginning. I am divorced. We did not make a good match. I learned a lot from the experience and I'm ready to make a go of dating again.

[Crestfallen_KH]

Well, it has worked successfully for me in the past.

 

A first date is a little like a job interview. You want to put your best foot forward, and slowly open up when it's the right time. If someone goes on and on about his ex or previous relationships on a date, that's a red flag. While I am certainly curious to hear about previous relationships and how and why they fell apart, I don't want to hear about it on a first date - I want to get to know the person. I disagree that a person should put all of his/her "cards on the table" in the first meeting. First, it's none of my business, it's far too intimate and revealing too soon, and it can be off-putting to the other party. You have to build some level of caring and trust before you should be expected to open up about a painful experience IMO.

 

I'm respectful of a guy's boundaries and I expect him to be respectful of mine. If he's uncomfortable that I don't want to tell my whole story right away, that's not someone I would be compatible with anyway.

[Enema]

Crestfallen is advising you to respond to a prospective partner like it was a job interview. I don't know if that will work.

 

LoL, that is exactly what I thought when I read her post.

[flc]

At my age it is more odd if you were not divorced although right now I am dating a widow. Just leave it at being divorced if the relationship continues more details will come out. Generally talking about an ex doesn't go over well early in dating.

[pandagirl]

I dated a guy who was divorced. Met him on a dating site and his profile said something like: "I am divorced with no regret or baggage." Which, in retrospect, was a red flag. Anyone who has to state on their dating profile that divorce had no impact on them, is total reverse psychology!

 

When it came up in conversation, he just always was like: "I just married too young, we grew apart." Then another time, "it went down in flames."

 

I would have rather had an honest answer.

[LoveJonesRomance]

This is why after my divorce, I decided to stick with dating divorced guys only; it's making things a lot easier in terms of better communication and understanding of one another's situation.

[rod_in_gtown]

Just say "I've been married once before, it just didn't work out " and leave it at that. sometimes they'll ask why and sometimes they'll move on to another topic. If you don't make a big deal out of it, then they won't.

 

I have no problem talking about my divorce but I try to no go into detail unless she asks me. It can be a big turnoff if you over share. they think you're not over your ex.

[BoerumHill]

To the OP, bring it up when asked.

 

I refer to myself as single/available and don't have a problem with listing that on an online profile. It's my belief divorce was an event that happened to me 8 years ago; referring to it as a "status" seems silly, like we're incapable of healing of learning from the past.

 

It usually comes up at some early stage since it would be kind of weird if someone my age (46) had never married; if it doesn't, I might drop it into a conversation at some early point ("my ex-", "my son from my first marriage", etc).

 

Just say "I've been married once before, it just didn't work out " and leave it at that. sometimes they'll ask why and sometimes they'll move on to another topic. If you don't make a big deal out of it, then they won't.

 

I have no problem talking about my divorce but I try to no go into detail unless she asks me. It can be a big turnoff if you over share. they think you're not over your ex.

 

I think that's pretty much what CrestFallen was trying to say in her earlier response. Give a simple succinct answer the first time you are asked about it. Once you get to know someone at a deeper level, it will probably come up again when you're both more comfortable sharing.

 

It's the last thing I want to discuss or listen to in depth at the budding romantic stage of a new relationship. TMI may foreshadow future problems, but to me this is just common sense and etiquette. I have had the experience of having to listen to someone rant about their ex- on a first or second date, and it's 1) too soon, and 2) a pretty clear sign of unresolved issues.

[livinlovin]

I have found that its best to be honest, but succinct. I say that I am divorced, but used the experience to learn and grow. If they ask more I am willing to share, but I am pretty young so I let it sink in before giving any more details.

 

I firmly believe you need to tell dates this information sooner rather than later. Some people are just not okay with it, and I want to know that up front. I would be careful giving a lot of details upfront, because your first dates are supposed to be about getting to know each other, not the people you used to be with.

[Crestfallen_KH]

I think that's pretty much what CrestFallen was trying to say in her earlier response. Give a simple succinct answer the first time you are asked about it. Once you get to know someone at a deeper level, it will probably come up again when you're both more comfortable sharing.

 

Yep, most of us are pretty much saying the same thing. Be honest, but don't go overboard.

[Lauriebell82]

I have never dated anyone who is divorced, but I agree with what other posters have said. Say you are divorced, but have learned from the experience. If your date wants to be nosy, if you feel comfortable sharing more details that would be up to you, but on a FIRST date I would think that saying that you are divorced and how long ago the divorce happened would be sufficient enough. I have never been married, but I did have a very bad break up from a man I was going to marry. When I started dating again I made the mistake of talking about what happened with my ex and I on the first date and it scared him off. He thought I was still hung up on him because I told him the entire story of our breakup.

 

My advice: keep it light, if she wants to know EVERY SINGLE DETAIL on a first date, I might see that as a red flag.

[Konfuzion]

How are you still single?

 

Response - "Divorced" and move on... If they want more information they will ask.