dreamy1945 Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 with the OW? Even though I'm the OW(was) it still amazes me how the W can continue to take him back and believe all the lies. In my situation the W says he is a liar and doesn't love either one or us just himself. Then why does she stay with him? I wonder sometimes because they want to win and won't leave because they know the OW wants that. Ideas?
jj33 Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 with the OW? Even though I'm the OW(was) it still amazes me how the W can continue to take him back and believe all the lies. In my situation the W says he is a liar and doesn't love either one or us just himself. Then why does she stay with him? I wonder sometimes because they want to win and won't leave because they know the OW wants that. Ideas? ?????? No. Do you think the OW stays because of competition? An OW is willing to stay even though she knows the MM is capable of lying to someone he is supposed to love. She stays because he is her husband. They have built a life together. Maybe she stays because financially she feels like she has no other choice. The reasons are complicated. But competition is unlikely to be one of them.
Author dreamy1945 Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 In my situation money is not the problem. She told me "you would like for me to leave him wouldn't you". She says that nothing he says is the truth. The difference is he is lying to her about me and denying everything but he tells me everything about her(she confirms what he has said). So just thought it might be a competition thing.
torranceshipman Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 She has much more reason to stay than you do - she shares a house, life, family, friends and history with him. You just get to see him in secret-maybe the question should really be, why the heck are you staying for such a crappy deal? You have it worse than her imo. In fact, you're both settling for something crappy-but at least you kno about all the lying-in her defence, she probably thinks she has a better H than she actually does and may leave if she knew what a true dirtbag he really was.
noforgiveness Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 Why do you stay with him? Is it competition with the wife? Why do you stay with a man that goes home to another woman every night? Who chooses to not leave and stay married? The better question is why does HE stay? What makes him stay with his wife and not run off with you. I swear so many ow's just wait for the wife to be done with him. Do they know their man is too much of a coward to end it on their own and the wife doing it is their only chance?
jj33 Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 In my situation money is not the problem. She told me "you would like for me to leave him wouldn't you". She says that nothing he says is the truth. The difference is he is lying to her about me and denying everything but he tells me everything about her(she confirms what he has said). So just thought it might be a competition thing. Sorry sweetie. But you are hoping against hope and its not going your way. He is playing you both off against each other. And he is in the middle sitting like a king with 2 women fighting over him. He must have some attraction because you both keep hanging on. You have to discount what his wife says to you. She is his wife and she is probably very hurt and angry (big understatement) dont think for a minute she owes you any heartfelt honest answers. She doesnt. She was being sarcastic. Shes not staying for you and she is not leaving for you. You are not part of her equation. Get yourself out of there. If this man really wanted to be with you, he wouldnt be playing these games.
Author dreamy1945 Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 I am out of there. This time its been 7 days....I gave in last time after 8 weeks. Just curious what you guys thought.
noforgiveness Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 So there is no competition? She is married to him. He chose her.
DealingWDrama Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 As a wife, I have to say that I am not staying in my marriage for competition - there is no competition in my case AT ALL! I do not have a low self esteem or low self worth...in a general comparison I have it ALL over the other woman and I'm not just saying that. I told the other woman when I first found out about that affair- "You've had his penis. I have his children, home, family, name, and half of everything!" Then I packed his stuff and sent him to be with his loyal OW - they didn't last staying together a week before he was moving in with his brother for the remainder of our 6 month separation. Granted the affair was continuing for 9 more months after I let him come home...didn't know about it at all...but now it is completely over and we are focusing on what we need to. I have chosen to stay and give my marriage all I can because it is a marriage. It's not a one night stand or a secret. We have children together, a 13 year history, a mortgage, ect ... and it's not as easy as people would like to think it is to get divorced - believe me!!! Once all of the paper work and financial information is gathered, it still takes months and months if not years to leave a marriage...then there is always the 'hope' that things can work out. Many marriages become stronger and more unified after an affair is confessed. My H and I are focusing on the real problems in our marriage - not the symptom of the affair. Statistically, it takes 5 years on average for a person to recover emotionally from a divorce...it only takes 3 years to get over the death of a loved one. Marriage is for better or for worse...in the case of a cheating spouse - once the lies and betrayal are out in the open and honest communication is taking place, anything is possible...
jj33 Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 Its so hard we know how hard it is. And the hardest part is giving up hope. And as much as when they come back you think maybe something has changed, it hasnt unless they have left. I have been out of the A for over a year and I was floored when MM told me last week he wanted to "try again". Try what again? I was so angry that he would think that after all this time he could waltz back into my life on the same old terms. And so hurt that he thought so little of me. Because really if you have made it clear you dont want to be the OW and he knows how much pain the situation caused you, and still comes back offering nothing more, he is demeaning you and not concerned about what is best for you. But that is how some of these men think. This guy knows how much you love him. Dont be a martyr to that love. If he comes back and has not filed for divorce he is not coming back because he cares about you. He is coming back to get his own needs met and that is not good enough. Its unfair to you. You are the only one who can stand up for yourself and say no more. I wont put myself back into that painful position. You had a good trial run. 8 weeks is a long time. This time you will do it and you wont give in.
Author dreamy1945 Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 Thanks for the encouragement....I really need that. Other than my IC I have no one to talk too. I know you guys are right and I respect what you are saying. Don't give up on me!
Terminator Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 As a wife, I have to say that I am not staying in my marriage for competition - there is no competition in my case AT ALL! I do not have a low self esteem or low self worth...in a general comparison I have it ALL over the other woman and I'm not just saying that. I told the other woman when I first found out about that affair- "You've had his penis. I have his children, home, family, name, and half of everything!" Then I packed his stuff and sent him to be with his loyal OW - they didn't last staying together a week before he was moving in with his brother for the remainder of our 6 month separation. Granted the affair was continuing for 9 more months after I let him come home...didn't know about it at all...but now it is completely over and we are focusing on what we need to. I have chosen to stay and give my marriage all I can because it is a marriage. It's not a one night stand or a secret. We have children together, a 13 year history, a mortgage, ect ... and it's not as easy as people would like to think it is to get divorced - believe me!!! Once all of the paper work and financial information is gathered, it still takes months and months if not years to leave a marriage...then there is always the 'hope' that things can work out. Many marriages become stronger and more unified after an affair is confessed. My H and I are focusing on the real problems in our marriage - not the symptom of the affair. Statistically, it takes 5 years on average for a person to recover emotionally from a divorce...it only takes 3 years to get over the death of a loved one. Marriage is for better or for worse...in the case of a cheating spouse - once the lies and betrayal are out in the open and honest communication is taking place, anything is possible... Dealing, in your case, you and your H are actually working on repairing your marriage, so you have valid reasons for remaining with your H. Some threads I see here, even though the M is intact in name, there doesn't seem to be a lot of work being done to restore the relationship, but even then I would doubt the reason a W stays in the M is a sense of competition with the OW (or exOW as the case may be).
Patience08 Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 JJ33, Well said! I have been out of the A for over a year and I was floored when MM told me last week he wanted to "try again". Try what again? I was so angry that he would think that after all this time he could waltz back into my life on the same old terms. And so hurt that he thought so little of me. Because really if you have made it clear you dont want to be the OW and he knows how much pain the situation caused you, and still comes back offering nothing more, he is demeaning you and not concerned about what is best for you. If he comes back and has not filed for divorce he is not coming back because he cares about you. He is coming back to get his own needs met and that is not good enough. Its unfair to you. ____________________________ Although I don't post often, I read frequently, and JJ you're keeping the NC going for me. Thank You. I heard "after the next election", one to many times......Go back to what? Try what again? Dearmy, in my situation his wife knew for a very long time. She stuck her head in the sand for years. He didn't have the balls (public opinion) to leave and she would never throw his xss out. Why doesn't the BS throw them out? I don't think it has anything to do with competition, and sometimes nothing to do with love. It often has alot to do with history, comfort and attachment, fear of the unknown. The known is better then the unknown. That is often why we all stay put. I was a BS many years ago and never thought I would be wearing the shoes of an OW, that is XOW. If his wife knows about you and hasn't tossed him out, don't hold your breath.
Lizzie60 Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 No.. I doubt it very much.. either the OW or the W are in competition IMO... The W wants to remain in the marriage for many different reasons.. finances, family & friends.. but mostly for kids (like the husband)... The OW wants him because she loves him and she has been, in many cases, manipulated by him.. lied to... etc. I don't think it's competition. I know in my case, it's not.. I'm not even competing..
blueberry Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 with the OW? Even though I'm the OW(was) it still amazes me how the W can continue to take him back and believe all the lies. In my situation the W says he is a liar and doesn't love either one or us just himself. Then why does she stay with him? I wonder sometimes because they want to win and won't leave because they know the OW wants that. Ideas? Nope, but I think that half of the time it's the OTHER WOMAN that stays for the competition - not the other way around. These people want what you already have. And when they get it? They don't want it.
NoIDidn't Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 It may not be a competition, per se. But I would not willingly give up all that I built up in my marriage for another woman to think she was going to swoop in and claim as her own. Sorry. Too often I read of OWs that think they are showing the MM real love for the first time in his whole life. That wouldn't be the case or he wouldn't have already been married. I read of OWs that think they will be a better mother to the MM's kids. That wouldn't be the case either unless he himself is a psychopath and is willing to see his children's mother demeaned by such a statement. I am biased, but I think that the idea of competition orginates in the mind of the OW, not the W.
blueberry Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 It may not be a competition, per se. But I would not willingly give up all that I built up in my marriage for another woman to think she was going to swoop in and claim as her own. Sorry. You don't own him. Regardless of a ring. Too often we speak like these men are toys to be passed around. Good lord - perhaps we aren't the jaded women afterall eh. Its like a grown-up version of "collect-me" cards.
NoIDidn't Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 You don't own him. Regardless of a ring. Too often we speak like these men are toys to be passed around. Good lord - perhaps we aren't the jaded women afterall eh. Its like a grown-up version of "collect-me" cards. Blue Reading comprehension is not your strong point, I see. I said and you quoted "my marriage". And my marriage is mine. My H however, is his own person. I'm starting to think you may be a troll. And before you run off to the admins, note that I didn't say that you are a troll, but that I am starting to think you may be one. So I will be placing you on ignore from here on out. Tu-da-loo.
blueberry Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 Blue Reading comprehension is not your strong point, I see. I said and you quoted "my marriage". And my marriage is mine. My H however, is his own person. I'm starting to think you may be a troll. And before you run off to the admins, note that I didn't say that you are a troll, but that I am starting to think you may be one. So I will be placing you on ignore from here on out. Tu-da-loo. On the contrary, I just believe that we all have a life to live. Separate from anyone/anything else. Perhaps my humour doesn't translate - trans-atlantic or cyber. I admire your disclaimer though.. Well done. Ever thought of a career in legal?
jj33 Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 Nope, but I think that half of the time it's the OTHER WOMAN that stays for the competition - not the other way around. These bitches want what you already have. And when they get it? They don't want it. Blue you are hilarious. Your humour does translate.
blueberry Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 Blue you are hilarious. Your humour does translate. Phew. I'm glad you get it jj!! (now is probably not the time to start mentioning IQs yeah? JOOOKKKKEEEEEE)
blueberry Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 anyway...what do trolls know eh? (apart from cursing people and doing jigs)
LostGirl811 Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 with the OW? Even though I'm the OW(was) it still amazes me how the W can continue to take him back and believe all the lies. In my situation the W says he is a liar and doesn't love either one or us just himself. Then why does she stay with him? I wonder sometimes because they want to win and won't leave because they know the OW wants that. Ideas? It's not that confusing really....they'll stay for many reasons. Kids, of course, are a big reason if there are any. Some people stay in marraiges for years jsut becaose of the children. I knew a woman who stayed with her husband for 15 years because they had a daughter together. He had started cheating on her when she was 6 months pregnant and never stopped. She stayed with him for their daughter's sake, which was the dumbest thing I'd ever seen. You think kids don't eventually realize that their parents have no interest in each other? Anywa, so, kids are one thing. Otehr reasons could include keeping up appearances to friends, family or community. Other reasons could be religious ones. Other reasons could be that it makes more financial sense to stay togehter, and that may also sound stupid, but money matters whether people liek it or not and the thought of giving up that big house and comfortable lifestyle doesn't always sit well with people, even if they don't love each other anymore. Or it could simply be, yes, that they don't want to "give up" the marriage to an OW. Or to be honest, sometimes its just denial. For example, my aunt has been married to her husband for , what.....25 years now? For the last ten years he has lived with another woman. She refuses to divorce him even though they have no relationship anymore, they don't live together, nothing. They share their one and only son, who is now an adult at 22 years old, but she clings on. It's her last semblance of "power" or claim to him, I guess. Im not even sure she believes he'll come back to her anymore, but on paper, she is still his wife, so maybe in her mind that means something. In my mind, she's in denial, plain and simple. She is still in love with him, but he isn't in love with her. This is sort of why i don't believe that people shoudl stay together "just for the kids" or "just for convenience" or just for religion or any of the above reasons. At the end of the day, to be honest, the kids will probably grow up fine, and will probably be more well adjusted to the idea of a divorced set of parents if it happens when they are younger. I think it affects kids more when divorce happens when they are old enough to be cognizant of what is really going on. And really, one day the kids grow up and have their own lives, and you are left with a spouse you don't love, and let's face it, the chances of finding true love and compatibility are slim to none as you get older. Much easier to find someone when you are 30 or 40 than when you are bloody 60. I feel so bad for people like my aunt who cling on to a relationship that isn't even there anymore. She clung for so long, and now she's nearly 60 years old, and alone, alone alone. Sad. Her son would rather his parents divorced a thousand times over if it meant they would both be happy with other people. My parents divorced, and I occasionally wonder what it might have been like if my parents were still married, but who cares. Im an adult now, and all I want is for them to be happy. If that means they are happy with other peopel than each other, so be it. Society places too much importance on appearances. You only live one life. Live it.
OWoman Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 It may not be a competition' date=' per se. But I would not willingly give up all that I built up in my marriage for another woman to think she was going to swoop in and claim as her own. Sorry. [/quote'] I can't speak for any other OWs, but personally I would not have wanted my BW's M, nor anything like it! The R I have with my SO is one based on love and respect, a true partnership of equals. Why settle for a hollow shell, when one can have the real thing? Too often I read of OWs that think they are showing the MM real love for the first time in his whole life. That wouldn't be the case or he wouldn't have already been married. I read of OWs that think they will be a better mother to the MM's kids. That wouldn't be the case either unless he himself is a psychopath and is willing to see his children's mother demeaned by such a statement. In some cases it happens to be the truth. Even if skeptics don't want to admit it. I've seen it so with others, and live it so myself, daily.
porter218 Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 Dealing, in your case, you and your H are actually working on repairing your marriage, so you have valid reasons for remaining with your H. Some threads I see here, even though the M is intact in name, there doesn't seem to be a lot of work being done to restore the relationship, but even then I would doubt the reason a W stays in the M is a sense of competition with the OW (or exOW as the case may be). This is as told by the OW. You have to remember that in truth they only know half if not less of the whole story. Do remember that while these men lie to their Ws about the OW they are also telling lies to the OW about the state of their M and what type of effort is being put into the M. Until you have the OW, the H, and the W all posting together here then you only have part of the story.
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