sandrawg Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 Dishonesty and hiding things really ruins your potential to have a healthy relationship. I am struggling, struggling so hard with my current rel'ship, despite the fact that he was dishonest with me about his ex (see my below post) and contacted her behind my back, then hooked up w/her when we had a short breakup. He got back with me but he took way too long to get rid of the ex and misled me about what happened when we broke up. This also eroded my trust. I was going to break up with him over that, but he finally did give her the kiss off. Now he is working really hard to try to make things work with me, but I am just a mess, at this point. The other night I went ballistic over a comment he made about a female housemate and I literally thought there was more going on between them than there really is. We also had a long IM discussion about other girl--a month or so ago, he was drunk and he showed me this x-rated text msg (which was a joke), and said it came from this girl he met months ago at this concert. I had remembered him going to the concert-this was pre-our break-up, but he had never mentioned this girl. I found out he got her phone number, ostensibly because she worked in merchandising for the band and he wanted free stuff and to talk to her about producing merchandise for his friend's band (a band that doesn't exist yet). This all seemed shady to me. It's been bugging me since then. No one sends me x-rated txt msgs, but maybe that's cuz I'm older than my bf. And my question was, how did it go from talking about the band to sending jokey pictures of genitalia?? hmmm. He claims the messages were all "forwards", sent to tons of other people. I also don't believe in exchanging phone numbers w/mbrs of the opposite sex when you're out w/your friends, unless you're single. So we had this big argument about that. You see, if he had never been dishonest with me before, i probably wouldn't have flipped out about the roommate (which i now, after the fact, understand was innocent) nor would i be feeling doubts about the girl from the concert. The arguments were so contentious yesterday that I'm not sure we can recover, even though, in the past month, my bf has really tried so hard to rebuild my trust and actually start making me a priority, which he didn't do before. We love each other But maybe it's too late. I feel really sad.
Gzus Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 tell him to **** off. Seriously. He clearly doesnt respect you enough to avoid doing things that bother you. That's your first clue and if you want him to really think about it, leave him. He may come clean and try to rebuild with you but honestly I would let him go. Im a guy and I know how guys think. He's not being honest with you and that is a huge red flag.
Author sandrawg Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 tell him to **** off. Seriously. He clearly doesnt respect you enough to avoid doing things that bother you. That's your first clue and if you want him to really think about it, leave him. He may come clean and try to rebuild with you but honestly I would let him go. Im a guy and I know how guys think. He's not being honest with you and that is a huge red flag. The thing with the girl from the concert, where he got her number, happened back in January, before we broke up. I only found out about it a month or so ago. So, you think he is lying about it? I really want to believe him. He swears they only ever talked about her broken arm (that's what made him start talking to her) and the band. Do you think receiving x-rated joke messages is inappropriate? He receives them from other people too, including guys, and his housemates. I think it's common in certain circles.
Donarudo88 Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 I don't entirely agree with the reply by Gzus..although when a guy wants to know how he feels he usually makes a vividly clear... I think he's just being brutally honest and doesn't think you'll think much of it. You two are just two different people and he probably doesn't think certain things through before he says or does them..thus resulting in you getting upset and him not having a clue as to why you're mad. I say try to let those things in the past go or just try not to overanalyze them as much and keep a close eye out on him. Like you said you guys love eachother...if you believe that then you won't let something that insignificant bother you if you want to work things out with him.
Geishawhelk Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 This is not insignificant. The message that comes over to me is that he can't be trusted, he disrespects you, and he can't maintain a promise to stop engaging with other women, If after these episodes, it's still an issue with you because he sems to have no honour, or any intention to curb his behaviour, you're faced with a choice: Either know what he's like, accept it, and build a relationship with your eyes open to the fact that his wander. or Finish it, once and for all, and let him lead his life with no holds barred, whilst you find yourself happiness, peace of mind and solidity.
Author sandrawg Posted September 27, 2008 Author Posted September 27, 2008 This is not insignificant. The message that comes over to me is that he can't be trusted, he disrespects you, and he can't maintain a promise to stop engaging with other women, If after these episodes, it's still an issue with you because he sems to have no honour, or any intention to curb his behaviour, you're faced with a choice: Either know what he's like, accept it, and build a relationship with your eyes open to the fact that his wander. or Finish it, once and for all, and let him lead his life with no holds barred, whilst you find yourself happiness, peace of mind and solidity. Yep-we were together for 8 months and towards the end, he was drunk dialing his ex, and they were contacting each other frequently, unbeknownst to me. When I've asked him why, he has all kinds of defenses and excuses, such as she was a weather report to keep in touch with old friends. I only found this out because i snooped on his email- I know that was wrong, but he left it open, and I only looked at his correspondences with HER, nothing else. Then he admitted he had drunk dialed her in Feb. When we got back together, I made getting rid of her a condition of re-committing to me. Not that I expected him to be rude about it, but he told me he'd have no problem doing so. Then he didn't do it until after many days of arguing and push and pull-he did it impulsively in the middle of an argument-it was just too much drama, all the way around. I have tried to get past all this, but I realized last night that he has never really admitted that it was wrong to break his word to me, nor has he really apologized. Many times, he's invalidated my feelings, and in one email, he sort of blamed me for his hooking up with her. He said that I made such a big deal about her, that it's no wonder he hooked up with her. I can tell you, I never made that big of a deal about her. You know why? Cuz I had trusted him to go NC with her, and I did not know they were still in touch. I have a lot of resentment about this. So he can lay his life open to me--let me read his email....look at his phone. He can tell everyone he has a gf and is not on the market. I'm not sure it matters, as I don't think his basic behaviors of breaking his word to me, or the excuse/defend way of handling my grievances are going to change.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 Liars are liars, and they don't change. If i had known about my H's chronic lies before we married, I never would have married him. Get out now, it will only get worse, because now he knows that he can be deceptive with you and still have you around.
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