quankanne Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I just don't understand why he did this to me. because he could. It's not about you, but about him being able to get you to do what he wanted ... your fault was to fall into line, but when you've convince yourself that your life was leading up to that moment ... well, I can see how easy it was to just follow your intstinct. he insists on going to MC. even though you feel the marriage cannot be saved, go. You'll be amazed what you learn about yourself, and hopefully, if you DON'T decide to make things work with the man you're married to now, what you learn will help you down the line. It won't be a wasted effort, if that's what you're worried about. This will be your way of saying/proving to self that you did everything you could to help your marriage before finally leaving it. At the very least, you owe your marriage – and yourself – that.
bentnotbroken Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Like I said, she let him. She opened the door to the mess, now she doesn't like the stink it brought into her life. Now is time to clean the crap out of your life.
White Flower Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 I was tired of living a lie with my H,I knew I was no longer in love with my H anymore so I told him we needed to seperate, few months later MM and I started up our A . I guess I was being selfesh I knew MM was still with his W I told him over and over we needed to do it the right way and I will be here when he leaves his W. He started to tell me things like well I can't take you serious until you give yourself to me completely,how can I trust you if you won't let me have you,if I can't have you all the way then why have you at all,he said if I loved him I would sleep with him. I gave in,which makes things even worse for me,I'm not the type of woman who does things like this,that is I though I was'nt You know whats crazy I still have feelings for him,and I hate him for doing this to me,and I am angry at myself for allowing him to do it to me. The difference between you and MM is that you did the right thing by leaving your M when you knew it was no longer good for you and your H. MM is making his M a bad one and is NOT doing what is right for him and his poor BW. He actually guilted you into sleeping with him. That old line, 'If you love me you'll sleep with me' is what he used to lure you into bed. I'm sorry you allowed it to work and I hope you're much stronger than that in the future. My sitch was similar in that I left a bad M and could not continue in both M and A. ExMM had no intention of leaving his M and accepting that difference is very difficult. You will overcome this, I promise you.
MizzBlue72 Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 His loss - you deserve better. Date one of his friends - better yet, his best friend!
Owl Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 Mizz...do you have a link to your own situation here yet? I'm curious...
stillafool Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 He most likely feels that he has done nothing to you but that you were looking for the same as him and that is why you participated. This is so true. MM wasn't the only one who enjoyed room (whatever) you went because you wanted the same thing. He didn't use you because you wanted the sex as much as he did. My question is what have you learned from this?
Author Mellie Posted September 30, 2008 Author Posted September 30, 2008 What have I learned from this? Honestly right now since the broke up just happen I can't really say what I have learned maybe in a few weeks or months from now I will know what I learned,and I will be able to answer that question. I know I had a huge part in the affair it is my fault just as much as it is his. Right now i know this may sound dumb and you know what maybe I don't even deserve one,but I really want to know why he did this to me why did he feel like he had to lie to me and tell me he loved me,that he was going to leave his wife,that I was the love of his life we even talked about moving in together we discusssed the location,oneday it's i love you the next day it's f*** you. The only one that can answer that is MM
Ronni_W Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 I really want to know why he did this to me why did he feel like he had to lie to me and tell me he loved me,that he was going to leave his wife,that I was the love of his life ... The only one that can answer that is MM Actually, Mellie, my belief system holds that some part of you already knows your answer....along the lines of "all your answers lie within". And that our answers are there even if we can't access them, or aren't yet ready to know them. Is that a possibility, for you? That, if you HAD to guess, you could guess...and your guess would have a chance of being remarkably close to the truth?
Author Mellie Posted September 30, 2008 Author Posted September 30, 2008 Yes you are right. If I had to guess it would be he basically used me for one thing,he knew that I most likely would not have slept with him if he told me he was in love with his wife and was not going to leave her. Things started to get to complicated for him,when he could'nt do it any longer he tossed me out the door no warning,nothing at all I guess i just want to hear it from,I feel like that is what I need to move on.
Ronni_W Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 If I had to guess it would be he basically used me for one thing,he knew that I most likely would not have slept with him if he told me he was in love with his wife I understand you. But at the same time, I'm feeling that you know you can move on without hearing it from him. Because, the truth is just the truth, right? The source doesn't change any of the important elements. On the other hand. The feeling that you want to hear it from him...is that about wanting him to suffer, or needing more suffering for yourself? If you had to guess?
whichwayisup Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 You have to forgive yourself for believing him and his lies. Make your own closure.. He isn't going to give it to you. he knew that I most likely would not have slept with him if he told me he was in love with his wife So, ofcourse he is going to feed you a bunch of lies. Many men, both married and single will do and say ANYTHING to have sex. Some men can easily separate love and sex, obviously this guy IS like that.
stillafool Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 But Mellie is not a teenager. She is a grown woman. Why keep acting like she was being used? He didn't use you he lied to you. Can you honestly say you wouldn't have wanted him sexually if he hadn't said those things to you? If so, then you only slept with him because he said "words" to you and not because you wanted him physically too? I think it's wrong when women sleep with men (good or bad) and say they were used when they enjoyed the sex as much as he did.
whichwayisup Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 Because she let her emotions and heart get in the way and take over. She was in an affair-fog and chose to believe everything he was telling her, despite the fact he had a ring on his finger. Maybe she is inexperienced, insecure and this guy knew it and knew how to push her buttons...Reguardless, you are right, she's a 29 year old WOMAN, an adult.
Author Mellie Posted October 1, 2008 Author Posted October 1, 2008 I would not have slept with him had he told me I only want you for sex I'm going to stay with my wife she is the woman I love I will never love you. I have knowm MM for years I didnt sleep with him just because,their was an emotional attachment their from my part I had fallen in love with him years ago when we were just friends,but had never told him until reccently,which is when it went physical. IMO he used me lied to me and tossed me out. If MM came to me and said it's all about me, I only want to use you as a masterbation hole and send you on your way...I would have ran as fast as I could. It was the things MM told me and how he treated me that made me fall in love with him then when he got what he wanted he ran as fast as he could. I'm not saying I'm innocent I know I am an adult I have even said maybe it was my fault.
White Flower Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 I would not have slept with him had he told me I only want you for sex I'm going to stay with my wife she is the woman I love I will never love you. I have knowm MM for years I didnt sleep with him just because,their was an emotional attachment their from my part I had fallen in love with him years ago when we were just friends,but had never told him until reccently,which is when it went physical. IMO he used me lied to me and tossed me out. If MM came to me and said it's all about me, I only want to use you as a masterbation hole and send you on your way...I would have ran as fast as I could. It was the things MM told me and how he treated me that made me fall in love with him then when he got what he wanted he ran as fast as he could. I'm not saying I'm innocent I know I am an adult I have even said maybe it was my fault.FWIW, MM KNOW you won't sleep with them unless they create a back story. He needed you to believe all that stuff and maybe not just to get you in bed. He may have also enjoyed seeing the loving look in your eyes and the passion in your soul once he lit that fire. These guys are good, very very good. I'm so sorry he made you believe in him. It is not your fault that he was so crafty. And now he can always say, 'Well, you knew I was married from the beginning'. Jerk. Yes you did, but you also knew that love is more powerful that a M contract. MPs fall out of love and D all the time. He took a chance you would have faith in that UNTIL he was done with you. I feel like starting a revolt!
Ronni_W Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 I had fallen in love with him years ago when we were just friends,but had never told him until reccently,which is when it went physical. ...It was the things MM told me and how he treated me that made me fall in love with him Mellie, there is a major conflict in what you are telling yourself. You either fell in love with him "years ago" and of your own volition, or he recently seduced you with his lies and fake kindness. I know it hurts. But I think that your self-honestly would be crucial to your healing. You are keeping yourself in a victim role by not taking responsibility for the fact that YOU opened up the 'can of worms' by revealing your love feelings to him. That is, make yourself 100% accountable for YOUR role in all of it. That doesn't mean that you deserved to be treated the way he treated you. It doesn't make HIS role in all of it any more "decent" or "honourable". He wasn't that. But he is not the ONLY one responsible. You each have your own 100% stake in this. Consider. What did you really expect or hope to happen, by telling a married man that you are in love with him (or have been in love with him for years)? You need not answer that here, but you may serve yourself well by answering it for yourself. And whatever your role and intentions, you do deserve to forgive yourself for your part in it. You made a mistake; had a serious lapse in your good judgment and common sense. You did it. It's fine. It's over. At your core, you are the same person as ever...just with a whole different (very painful) experience added. You did it. It's fine. Yes, of course, he could have (should have) immediately rejected you and your love-struck advances. But it's NOT all on him. Unless there is a piece that you have left out, or that I have seriously misunderstood. Regardless. It is perfectly fine to give yourself permission to forgive yourself. You deserve that.
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