I'm the wife...

[DealingWDrama]

I didn't come on here to bash anyone or be bashed...we are all women and find ourselves willingly or otherwise in different situations. I would like to share mine with those of you who willingly and knowingly chased a married man ... not ones who say their situation is 'different' ect.

My hubby finally came clean about an affair that has been taking place for about 2 years...we have obviously been having marriage problems for a long time...and aside from writing a novel here to explain - well, no explaination necessary...he cheated, lied, got tangled up in betrayal and now wants our marriage to work...I have text with the other woman and know the relationship is over...here's where it gets sticky though:

She's preggers...21 weeks to be exact. At least she says she is...she sent me photo copies of a card and picture of her and my hubby taken at a bar but has not sent any info regarding the pregnancy. She is continuing to send text messages to me and my hubby telling him to rot in hell, it was all a lie, blah blah blah. First of all, he did not leave her on account of the pregnancy...for several months before it was ended, she told him she knew he didn't feel for her the way she felt for him...she begged him to leave me...ect. After discovering she was pregnant she ended the affair realizing he would never leave me and that he obvious loves me.

Ironically, my hubby was treating me like garbage since he came home in November (I kicked him out when I first found about the affair in May of last year) so, I had already planned a meeting with my attorney to file for divorce...I say ironically, because I had no idea the affair had continued after I allowed him to move back home...and since the 'coming clean' party we are actually communicating and getting to know one another again. She is texting every day - not to update on baby things or anything like that but to cuss him or threaten him "you will never see this baby" things like that. I should mention, I gave her his cell phone number because he told me she was leaving him messages at work...I figure, if she is preggers with his child, she has the right to contact him anytime to discuss the baby or situations that arrise during pregnancy. He was very angry that I gave her the number...I laughed at him and told him this is his mess and tangling of lies...he can clean it up and face reality.

I am having a hard time believing she is pregnant in the first place. And I realize that it isn't the child's fault or anything like that. I believe affairs are symptoms of greater problems...his certainly was.

She is 41 years old...same age as my husband (I'm 31) and when he did talk to her about the pregnancy she only wanted to discuss their relationship. I realize time will tell if she is pregnant or not or even if the 'pregnancy' produces a child. In the mean time...I HATE drama!!!! I want to put a no contact order in place through the court...this would make her stop the drama and deal with her pregnancy, ect without constantly stirring the pot. It would also open the door to her not being able to deny paternity testing when the child is born ... if this is his kid, he will be responsble financially as well as want visitation. She has a REAL problem with the visitation part. She wants him to drop off the face of the earth and send her money without anything going to court or paternity testing taking place.

As other women, what is your take on the action of this particular other woman???

[Deegee]

She sounds like a nutjob....She just wants money, and for your H to just drop off the face of the earth?! She sounds like she is a "couple of quarts low"....(cuckoo...)!

The no contact order sounds like the way to go.

No good can come out of this situation.

YOU, by the way sound like you're totally in control, and has a good grasp of the situation. GOOD FOR YOU!

I'll pray that she is NOT pregnant so that you can at least have some level of peace.

Good Luck!

[Terminator]

Tell her that when she can produce a doctor's confirmation of pregnancy you will resume contact, but until then all bets are off, and if she continues to contact your H or yourself you will get an RO put in place.

[TogetherForever]

The op's question should be asked to all women in general not just the other women here.

 

I agree with Terminators advice.

 

TF

[DealingWDrama]

Thanks Dee Gee! Ironically, I am the most level headed person in this entire situation. I believe she is a nutcase - it's sad really...her story that is. I can understand why she fell for my H - he really is a great guy...he made a mistake...big mistake...I've been tested for STDs and they came back clean so he still has his genitals in tact.

I believe there was a moment in their relationship that he harbored true feelings for her and did tell her that our marriage was over....it practically was despite no one filing for divorce. I begged him too...then I took out a student loan and got the money to file myself...! Needless to say, once he realized I wasn't going to take his wishy washy crap anymore, he came home on bended knee...of course I had no idea that he was still continuing his relationship with the OW...platonic or otherwise for whatever extent of time.

I am not attempting to be a control freak over any of this...when I told him to clean up his own mess, I meant it. However, with child support coming from OUR pockets and bringing a child I did not have in our home every other weekend and a few weeks out of the summer I believe I have a right to have a say so in whatever decision is made. I know he will not walk away from this kid if the kid is his or exists...I know him as a father(we have 2 children together).

I can understand her being irate about me being so understanding and not packing his stuff again and throwing him to the lions. She is hurt and is acting out on emotions alone without logic. I'm sure she's angry with herself and angry with him and me for this dramatic crap load of blah - but life goes on. She's a big girl and put herself in this situation...no one forced her to get involved with him...just like no one forced his hand to touch her...there comes a time in life when people have to be responsible for their actions ... this 'baby' is a reality check!

[blueberry]

Wow.

 

As an OW myself, i think she sounds pretty bitter and twisted - whereas you are maintaining a shedload of dignity. I don't blame your husband for choosing you.

 

I would also be sceptical of the pregnancy. Women that are capable of behaving the way she has been (with contacting you and sending pictures et al) are capable of doing anything.

 

I've also been on the other side - where you stand. My ex-husband had an affair, I found out (from her) when he left her. She got all twisted, started getting threatening, sending me pictures of them together in bed, calling me, emailing me, begging ME to leave him, etc...

 

I found it all rather amusing after a while. Thing is, it made my husband run as fast as he could back to me (and hide behind my skirts). She revealed her true colours and he was mortified to have ever been involved with such a nasty piece of work. As was I. I walked out a few months later.

 

Let her continue - she's digging her own grave.

 

And you continue too - you seem to have far more decorum than she ever will.

 

As for the pregnancy - time will tell.

 

Good luck and keep us updated.

[DealingWDrama]

Terminator - terrific advice!!! She supposedly had a sonogram at 15 weeks - with her being 41 I can see that...it's not unheard of. She could send a copy of her medical records from a pregnancy appointment or a copy of a sonogram pic. I'll do that...thanks!

[DealingWDrama]

 

 

Let her continue - she's digging her own grave. quote]

 

I couldn't agree with you more. It's sad really. If there is a kid, according to the law in the state we live - she could be setting herself up for having the child taken away from her all together. I am willing to be a step mom (now anyway...who knows what will happen when) but I am not willing to step into the shows of being 'mommy' to a child I didn't have any part in making or choosing. I have a 7 year old and a 4 year old - my diaper changing days and up and down crazy nights of being at someone else's beck and call are OVER! I told my H that. I'm willing to do the every other weekend gig and he can take vacation time when he has the kid during the summer - but I refuse to be the sole caretaker of this child as I was with our two children.

[Mellie]

I am A OW,I think the OW in your case is trying to break up you and your H for good of course she doesnt want H and you to work things out.

 

Is she pregnant or not who knows,if she had the actual proof she would have loved to rub it in your face by now.

 

She knows contacting you will start arguments between H and you,which is why she does it.

[DealingWDrama]

Mellie - I believe you are right...however, the little tactic isn't working at all. We don't argue or fight about this situation. We discuss openly and honestly - each text message, I see...each voicemail I hear...he has not responded to her at all - what's the point. When he did respond to her, she only bashed me and him and threatened.

I'm a what is is type of gal. I know what happened - even dreadful details...she's really pissed about that. I agree that if she had any information regarding her pregnancy she would have sent it long ago...

[whichwayisup]

If she is actually pregnant, I feel for her baby because she's gonna use that kid in every way that she can.

 

She needs to seek counselling.

[Mellie]

Seem's like H and you are going about things the right way,when I spoke with my xMM wife I was shoked to find out how much she actually knew and I was hurt because MM had come clean and was honest to her about everything her also knowing alot of detail.

[jj33]

You said you had contacted an attorney? Are you still planning to divorce him or are you open to working things out with him?

 

Either way, if she is pregnant and if the child is his and if she has it (alot of ifs here) then you have a financial interest if nothing else in knowing what is going on. But she has a lot to prove in terms of paternity I would say a DNA test before she digs further into his wallet.

 

What a nightmare for you. The only thing I can say is you only see her hysterical outbursts - your husband was treating you like garbage, he may have treated her even worse and now she is pregnant and alone and its not a pretty place to be.

 

I am not suggesting you should feel sorry for her - after all she did sleep with your husband you dont owe her any sympathy, however you just dont know what happened there. He may have told her he was leaving etc etc he may have told her he would love to have a baby with her and then poof...

 

I take a much different line on the pregnancy for which I know I will be blasted by various folks on here but here goes. Its HER choice to have a baby. Were they having unprotected sex? Very difficult to get pregnant by mistake if you are taking proper precautions - so you should get STD tests. If she was stupid enough to have unprotected sex and yet with a married man and doesnt believe in abortion then well thats her choice women have a choice and if she decides to have the baby that is on her. Your husband will have a financial responsibility but he doesnt have an obligation to "be there" for her during the pregnancy or to call her night and day if he is trying to make your marriage work and it makes you uncomfortable.

 

I apologize if that offends you if you feel that she is pregnant and that he should act as the father of hte child in all ways, then that is very generous of you but you seem to have more generos of spirit than your husband from what you tell us.

 

I would side with the others and say limited contact (unless you are enjoying seeing your H harrassed as you walk out the door and divorce him). If the baby is his then there will be financial ramifications short of that its not your problem unless you stay with H and then its trickier.

 

Good luck you sound so lovely. I hope you leave him he doesnt deserve you.

[DealingWDrama]

jj33 - you're right...he doesn't deserve me and he knows that! lol!!! I am not divorcing him as of now. I have no idea if I will change my mind down the road and am not niave enough to believe my mind cannot be changed.

His actions not his words will show me...I had an appointment with my lawyer before I found out about the baby. I kept the appointment and got information on paternity, DNA testing, visitation, child support, and divorce.

I don't believe he should be with her during the pregnancy - I gave her the number so she could get in touch with him regarding pregnancy issues .. when she goes into labor, test results, sonogram updates things like that.

...he told me he feels guilty for not being there for her emotionally while she is pregnant. I told him it was her decision to get involved with him and his to get involved with her, it was his decision not to wear a rubber and her decision to not protect herself aside from the depot shot (I'm seriously doubting that though...she claims that some kind of acne medication caused her birth control to fail...total bologna) and it is her choice to keep the pregnancy.

Remember the actions of a man show his true nature! I told him to follow his heart...if he wants to run to her - see ya. I'm not standing around waiting on anyone!!!! That was a month ago...like I said we are communicating more openly and honestly than we have in YEARS!!!

I did get STD tested - all clear! As I said earlier, he still has his genitals in tact.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I'd say go ahead and slap her with an RO. Let her bring it into court when/if she has the baby and prove that your H is the father. No court is going to deny him visitation, so she's bang-nuts on that.

 

If she does have a baby and doesn't bring it to court, then you and H need to discuss whether you want to pursue court yourselves for the welfare of the child.

 

But unless and until there's a baby, there's no point in continuing contact. She could have been banging someone else on the nights your H was home with you. A baby in the belly could belong to anybody.

[wildsoul]

Yikes. What a mess. The paternity test or proofing is a must-do.

 

One of the problems in affairs is that it's triangulated and you cannot really know what was said (or what was misunderstood) between the other 2 people.

 

Before you think she is a total whack-job, you need to assume that your husband contributed to her upset. It's very possible he told her that he wanted to marry her and maybe even get her pregnant. (The man I'm with, who is now separated, has told me those things and more.) Your H was with her for 2 years. Sure, there are a few women who will happily stay in an A, understanding that it won't become more. But the VAST majority stay because the man has flat-out begged them to wait while he divorces. There is no way for you to really know.

 

That triangulation (that created this mess) needs to stop IMMEDIATELY.

 

My advice is for you and your husband to only speak to her simultaneously, and always copy each other on email correspondance. Otherwise, the he-said, she-said will continue to drive you insane. You and your H need to make a firm committment to each other, with no wavering, no triangulation, and not allowing her to split between you.

 

If I was in your shoes, I would make the above a requirement of my H. If I discovered he was communicating to her w/o me, I would divorce him. If she really is pregnant (and that might also be why she is acting badly) then you are stuck helping to deal with your H's child. The least he can do is try to minimize the impact on you emotionally, by not triangulating further with his OW.

[jj33]

You sound great. He is a very very lucky man. He feels guilty for not being there for her emotionally? Until he gets himself cloned he needs to realize that he cant be two places at once... otherwise you just may perform a solomonic act on his genitals.

 

Keep strong you sound like you know just what to do. And dont let him get away with that crap about being there for her while she is pregnant. In fact sadly it only encourages her. If he is there and then the baby is born and suddenly she is alone with a new born etc etc she will be outraged all over again. That she had his baby and is alone. What a mess

[DealingWDrama]

WildSoul - I assure you that he never said he wanted to have a child with her or with anyone for that matter. He's 41 years old...and so is she...neither of them wanted another baby, especially under these circumstances...at least I know he didn't.

There was a time when he did tell her that he wanted to marry her - that was over a year ago when their relationship was hot and heavy...he 'proposed' to her on the back of a bar napkin, which is politely photo copied and mailed to me...it was like a child's note - will you marry me, check yes or no type thing. He and I were pretty much over at that moment even though he never filed for divorce and kept swearing to me he wasn't in a relationship with anyone else - I knew better...that's why I packed his stuff.

He made a bad decision...now he is suffering the consequences of that decision. In life, it is not our abilities that show who we are...it is our choices!

Any and all correspondance between them I see or hear. He has only called her once, upon my urging because of her threatening text messages...and I was there for the conversation. As he attempted to talk about the child, she continually talked about our marriage, their past relationship, and me. I told him when he hung up the phone that her next move would be to say she was having contractions and going to the emergency room - sure enough, the next morning....got a text message saying just that. It's a game to her. I'm not a game player...!

[DealingWDrama]

He feels guilty because he feels like he has abandoned her. Oddly enough I can understand that. He wanted to be able to talk to her about sonograms or things that concern the child - that's not going to happen...she isn't making that possible. At first they were planning on setting up some kind of nonlegal child support agreement. I vetoed that plan. DNA will be done first! Second child support and any and all visitation will be done legally...not on a whim or under any other type of schedule.

Time will tell if this will work or not...if I discover dishonesty from him in any way shape or form I will not stay in this marriage. I would rather show my children how to stand up for themselves and do what is right for themselves than allow myself to be used and stuck in any situation. My children are learning daily from how I act, rather than from what I say - I want my daughter to be strong lady and my son to be a gentleman and one day devoted father.

[jj33]

Good for you. As I said he is a very very lucky man. He should thank his lucky stars every day.

[herenow]

Any and all correspondance between them I see or hear. He has only called her once, upon my urging because of her threatening text messages...and I was there for the conversation. As he attempted to talk about the child, she continually talked about our marriage, their past relationship, and me. I told him when he hung up the phone that her next move would be to say she was having contractions and going to the emergency room - sure enough, the next morning....got a text message saying just that. It's a game to her. I'm not a game player...!

 

So, did your H go to the hospital? That would be a great way to tell if she is really pregnant. Next time she says she has a doctors appointment, he should show up (with you).

 

This is a very interesting story in that it seems like the OW is trying to keep your H from his alleged child. If it is his child, she can't prevent him from his parental rights. No more than a BW can threaten to keep a MM who leaves a marriage from being a father to his children.

 

Of course if you both really want to be serious about this, you can get a court ordered DNA test that will not only confirm that she is pregnant, but tell you before the baby is born if your H is the father.

 

You are truly an amazing woman in how you are handling this. My hat is off to you!

[Adunaphel]

Kudos for handling the very difficult situation you are in so well, and for being so strong.

Like other posters, I believe that the OW might be just pretending to be pregnant, but she certainly does need professional help.

I suggest that you try to find out if the OW is actually insane or is an otherwise very normal person who has just *been driven* insane.

In your other post you mentioned a friend of the OW. Is this friend of the OW also a friend of yours whom you can trust?

If so, could you ask her if the OW has psychological problems or has ever acted like she is not mentally stable?

If it is your H who drove her insane (or contributed greatly with lies and very bad behaviour to turn an otherwise normal person into a nutcase), perhaps there is something about him you do not know yet, and - if such is the case - perhaps he is not the kind of person you might want in your life any longer.

I hope this is not the case and I wish you good luck with sorting this very unpleasant situation out and deciding what is for the best for you and your marriage.

[Terminator]

I suggest that you try to find out if the OW is actually insane or is an otherwise very normal person who has just *been driven* insane.

 

That's a very good point you've made Adunphel. Some posters here seem to believe the OW's character is etched in stone and don't take into account the behaviours from the MM that may have as you say "driven her over the edge".

[DealingWDrama]

So, did your H go to the hospital? That would be a great way to tell if she is really pregnant. Next time she says she has a doctors appointment, he should show up (with you).

 

This is a very interesting story in that it seems like the OW is trying to keep your H from his alleged child. If it is his child, she can't prevent him from his parental rights. No more than a BW can threaten to keep a MM who leaves a marriage from being a father to his children.

 

Of course if you both really want to be serious about this, you can get a court ordered DNA test that will not only confirm that she is pregnant, but tell you before the baby is born if your H is the father.

 

You are truly an amazing woman in how you are handling this. My hat is off to you!

Thank you...the only way to get a DNA test before the baby is born is if she has amnio done - a court order paternity test will be done IF she actually has a baby. I told him to go to the hospital if he felt like he should, but she didn't tell him which hospital and 'turned off her cell phone' so he couldn't get that information. I also suggested him going to a doctor's appointment with her, but at this moment she is not considering anything but what she wants....and at the moment that seems to be an attempt to break up my marriage completely.

[DealingWDrama]

Kudos for handling the very difficult situation you are in so well, and for being so strong.

Like other posters, I believe that the OW might be just pretending to be pregnant, but she certainly does need professional help.

I suggest that you try to find out if the OW is actually insane or is an otherwise very normal person who has just *been driven* insane.

In your other post you mentioned a friend of the OW. Is this friend of the OW also a friend of yours whom you can trust?

If so, could you ask her if the OW has psychological problems or has ever acted like she is not mentally stable?

If it is your H who drove her insane (or contributed greatly with lies and very bad behaviour to turn an otherwise normal person into a nutcase), perhaps there is something about him you do not know yet, and - if such is the case - perhaps he is not the kind of person you might want in your life any longer.

I hope this is not the case and I wish you good luck with sorting this very unpleasant situation out and deciding what is for the best for you and your marriage.

I spoke to her friend...well, ex friend...the other woman cut her off as a friend about a month ago - right around the time she should be showing if she really is preggers. She isn't stable...she's off her rocker...she's bipolar and has serious issues. The H didn't make her crazy -- she already was...great point though. I don't think his shady relationship with her helped her sanity any.