EricaL Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 Together: 14 years Married: 12 Children: 2 (aged 10 & 8) In counseling: Yes So, I let my feelings slip away from me regarding my husband. I won't go into all the details, but let's just say in my mind, I was finished. I didn't feel passion, respect, admiration, excitement... I had lost touch with pretty much all the emotions that I know I should be feeling for him. I was annoyed by him, uncomfortable with him intimately, etc. The MC says we have a parent/child relationship. We are both willing to work on it. He says he'll do some changing. I know I've got to try and change the perceptions I have about it. I know it will be hard work. I also know that I'm doubtful, skeptical and struggling to try and stay open to let my feelings rebuild. With that said, we are now past the period of pain, anguish, etc. Yesterday was our second day in what I am calling our reconciliation attempt. We went out as a family, took the children to get their hair cut... went to a nice dinner as a family, we went to the movie store, and when we got home we all climbed in bed for some tickling and giggling before tuck ins. It was a lovely day. I enjoyed myself and I felt the pangs of nostalgia. I remembered what it had been like 5, 7, 10 years ago... Two things I realized though. First, I still feel as if he's just my friend. I didn't experience the emotions I am hoping for. I know I must be patient and I will be. Secondly, with the guilt, pain, and negativity out of the way... I came to the realization that I do have quite a bit of resentment. I have been telling myself I don't have much to resent... but yesterday several things came to me that I simply had to just say, wow... yeah, I do have some issues that I do feel resentment over. Because he and I are communicating, even if the communication might be hurtful, I told him about my thoughts. So, my question... have you had those moments when in a "good" day or "good" encounter you have the resentment or anger or whatever it might be that comes to you? When you do realize that there are some issues, specific memories, specific actions from the past that linger and you feel the resentment... what did you do to get over them?
Kasan Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 When you do realize that there are some issues, specific memories, specific actions from the past that linger and you feel the resentment... what did you do to get over them? Well hello there again................ There comes a time in every marriage where you make the active decision to choose to forgive....and I mean forgive every rotten thing, transgression, etc. When you argue, you argue about what you are mad at currently, resolve, and you let it go. You don't bring up things that happened five or ten years ago. You also don't call each other hateful names. These are our rules and it has worked pretty well. So if you truly do this.............the resentments are gone and there is nothing to get over. Make sense?
Author EricaL Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 Hmmm, we don't fight and we never have. The MC doesn't think that's been healthy But one thing we have not ever done is called each other names. So far, no "I hate you's" no "You are an f'n b**ch or as*" any of that. We are always very respectful of each other. I find it very cruel to use names so I don't. But, I hear what you are saying. I know I have to let them go... but it's hard. I can take a deep breath and exhale. I can look at myself in the mirror and say, "Ok, it doesn't matter. It's in the past. Moving on." But myself isn't listening to me. So, how do you let it go? I was feeling guilty for hurting him. Feeling guilty for not talking to him like I should have two years ago. Guilt for not being clear enough 9 months ago when I gave a half-hearted attempt to talk. (I struggle with guilt issues)... but everyone kept telling me that I had to let that go... and I think I have, for the most part. I'm just not sure why I can't let go of the resentment too. Hehehe, and yes, I'm spending all my time here on loveshack reading posts and making my own posts because I can't seem to get my relationship situation out of my head I think I like to talk just to hear myself talk.
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