blinded Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 Of course, I looovvve the high feeling I get when I am w/him or talking to him. But I really hate the lows I feel when he is ignoring me and going about his happy life (I am non-existent to him at that time). It seems that I've been feeling the lows much more than the highs lately that I question if it's even worth it anymore. Obviously, I am in my low stage. I feel like an abandoned puppy waiting for it's master to realize that I'm still here. Waiting like an idiot. It's only been 2 days of NC, and we ended the convo on a good note. But knowing his routine, I won't hear from him for at least another 2 days. I am smart, educated, and not bad looking. He has never made empty promises, he doesn't plan on leaving her. He loves her NOT me. He 'likes me alot'. WHY am I sooo 'blinded' and stupid? Why do I allow someone to treat me this way? Why do I accept the scraps he feeds me? Simple: I have low self esteem and I am addicted to him. His scent, his voice, his laugh, etc. I need approval from people I care about and unfortunatly he's become one of them. I used to be ok w/ things. But, if I knew I would be feeling this way, I would've run the other way. There was something about him that drew me to him. I am weak and I am here trying to avoid him. I guess I just needed to vent and someone/anyone to listen. I'm scared to even check my email in a couple days b/c I know I'll fall right back into the cycle of madness!
whichwayisup Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 Block his email address. This is your life - YOU have control over it, not him. If you feel weak and can't get out of this situation, then seek counselling to help you gain the strength TO leave. If you stay, it'll mess you up even more, and you'll lose yourself completely. You DO have a choice here.
Deegee Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 "When someone tells you who they are....listen"- Maya Angelou Your MM has TOLD you that he likes you alot (big whoop!), that he won't leave his W. Yet you still want his scraps?! YOU have to realize that YOU are truly deserving of SO MUCH MORE THAN SOMEONES TABLE SCRAPS....COME ON! You are headed for so much more heartache...YOU can stop it. Don't you want to be with someone that see's your worth?! And if YOU don't see this for yourself, then no one else will. I used to be in your situation, I was addicted, and I gave up friends, and just about everyone else in my life because I wanted so bad to be with this man, and you know what? In the end it was all just a bunch of lies. I've learned that I am SO much more than some MM's eye candy. I deserve to be with a man that can be with me- minus the lying, cheating, sneaking, and besides, it's just too exhausting, and taxing. Not worth it. YOU DESERVE MORE!!!!
jj33 Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 Blinded how we talk about ourselves matters. Reread your post. Its good to know our weaknesses but what about your strengths. You are kind loyal, supportive and probably many other things. You will meet someone else who sees those things in you and appreciates them. Who doesnt just feed you scraps. Unrequited love is very painful. Being with someone who says that they like you alot but are in love with their wife... its not where you want to be. It only reinforces your negative feelings about yourself. Have you thought about counselling? The more things you can do to remind yourself how wonderful you are, the stronger you will feel. Everyone feels low sometimes and being in love with someone who isnt reciprocating the feelings whether they are married or not only makes it worse. When you say NC do you mean you simply havent spoken in 2 days or that you are officially in a no contact period. If its the former and he only contacts you when its convenient for him of course you feel badly. If its really NC and you have agreed not to have contact that is a great step forward. It is a gift for you a chance to move on.
blueberry Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 Of course, I looovvve the high feeling I get when I am w/him or talking to him. But I really hate the lows I feel when he is ignoring me and going about his happy life (I am non-existent to him at that time). te] I had a catch-up with my ex manager today who has just ended his affair (with his Slovakian tennis instructor nonetheless). He said to me "out of sight - out of mind". Get it into your head that when he is away from you, you *do not* factor. Its human nature to want what does not want us. Whichwayisup takes the harsh road time and time again - but in this instance, is right. I have to say though - I'm pretty anti the American solution of seeking counselling whenever it rains. You're not *that* soft - deal with it and try and block him. No need for counselling
Anna101 Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 When I joined here the other day I thought I could be talked out of it - but I've come to realise you'll stop when you're ready, no forum or advice is going to make you stop because we ALL KNOW it's not for the best. Some people can snap out of it quicker than others...
White Flower Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 Simple: I have low self esteem and I am addicted to him. His scent, his voice, his laugh, etc. I need approval from people I care about and unfortunatly he's become one of them. Hi blinded, I always had a hard time with everyone saying we fall for MM because of the self-esteem issue. I don't have that problem (self-esteem), but I do believe I had the addiction. I forced myself to overcome that addiction. Once I told myself that I didn't need a call from him to make me smile, or a request for a date to give me something to look forward to the addiction sort of dissipated. I made lots of dates with friends for drinks or movies, etc., and if he called it was a bonus and if not--oh well, I was having an awesome time anyway. You need to surround yourself with reliable friends and build those into stronger relationships. They will always be there for you, especially when MM is on another one of his NC trips. By the way, I would not put up with that! If it ever goes NC it better be on YOUR terms! You have the power.
Author blinded Posted September 27, 2008 Author Posted September 27, 2008 When you say NC do you mean you simply havent spoken in 2 days or that you are officially in a no contact period. If its the former and he only contacts you when its convenient for him of course you feel badly. If its really NC and you have agreed not to have contact that is a great step forward. It is a gift for you a chance to move on. No, it's not official NC. It's always been like this. He thinkgs everything is fine and probably will contact me within a day or so. I just don't like this part. I know I should move on and I try. I just can't help but have that small part of me always thinking about him. I feel so silly.
Author blinded Posted September 27, 2008 Author Posted September 27, 2008 When I joined here the other day I thought I could be talked out of it - but I've come to realise you'll stop when you're ready, no forum or advice is going to make you stop because we ALL KNOW it's not for the best. Some people can snap out of it quicker than others... That's the question I ask myself everyday. No. I am not ready to walk away. Crazy, I know. I wish he were outright mean, that way it could be easier to walk away. But he knows exactly what to say and do to stay w/him. (sigh)
jj33 Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 No, it's not official NC. It's always been like this. He thinkgs everything is fine and probably will contact me within a day or so. I just don't like this part. I know I should move on and I try. I just can't help but have that small part of me always thinking about him. I feel so silly. The problem is you want different things. And it hurts when someone doesnt want the same things you want. He wants a friend with benefits. he wants you bright and sunny and fun and sexy as and when he feels like seeing you . The same way you would call a friend to go to the movies. You want more from this man. And he doesnt have it to give to you. The trick is finding a way to accept that. And not accepting less because accepting less and hearing repeatedly that he doesnt want what you want is tearing your self esteem apart. YOU CANT AFFORD THIS BLINDED. You are not weak or silly you are just suffering from unrequited love. It could happen with a single man too but in this case the fact that the man is married and has NO plans to leaves makes his unavailability crystal clear. You want love and you have set your sights on this man. But you know he is never going to fulfill your dreams. Hes made that clear. Some people are able to automatically shut off their feelings. Many are not. So dont feel bad about that part. Nonetheless you camn say no when he calls and you must. You CAN NOT keep accepting a situatoin that is hurting you. You can miss him if you need to, but you cant go on being there every once in awhile just to suit him. You are worth more than that. Its just a question of seeing that. And in time you will. In the meantime stop "auditioning" - the thought that if you stay with him longer he will see how wonderful you are and fall in love with you and want to be with you. DONT GO THERE. He is married. He has a wife whom he loves. He is not looking for another wife. So its not a reflection on you that he doesnt love you the way you want him to. The position of beloved is already filled. Sometimes we form these unrealistic attachments because deep down we are afraid of being hurt and longing for someone who has told us there is no chance of anything happening is "safe". I wouldnt be saying this if you were happy with the situation. But you arent. You are the only one who can stand up and say thanks you are sexy and fun but I need more and you cant give it to me. See ya... Big hugs
jj33 Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 The other thing is your expectations are higher than is useful to you. You say he contacts you every 2 days or so. If he were single and you were dating, and not "madly in love", you might not expect him to call you every day. You might talk a few times a week, see each other once or twice a week and then otherwise get on with your lives. So if he is consistent in his actions, he is showing you what he wants. A light but fun thing that isnt the center of his life. You want the relationship to be more of a priority than he does. Its just not a match. hes married so its not a question of waiting a few months for him to fall in love or to see where the relationship is "going". Its just not what he wants. Not with anyone - it wouldnt matter who you were and what you did. So stop beating yourself up.
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