blueberry Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 ... he just contacted me. He is supposed to be on his way to Heathrow Airport. Comments? Email was as follows: [sIZE=3]Hey Are either of the IT guys in....my computer crashed to a blue screen today and now wont boot at all. M ********** [/sIZE]
Geishawhelk Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 Ignore it, delete it, block his number and don't reply.
Author blueberry Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 Ignore it, delete it, block his number and don't reply. I did reply. I just said "no" - and left it at that. Thinly veiled excuse to contact me, there are others he could have asked.....His assistant for one.
carhill Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 Sounds like junk mail to me. I get a lot of that these days. Sometimes things just don't make it into my inbox, if you know what I mean Total NC means no reading his e-mails and blocking his known sending addresses. No listening to VM's or reading phone texts either. It's like he doesn't exist
Author blueberry Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 Sounds like junk mail to me. I get a lot of that these days. Sometimes things just don't make it into my inbox, if you know what I mean Total NC means no reading his e-mails and blocking his known sending addresses. No listening to VM's or reading phone texts either. It's like he doesn't exist Cold turkey??? Wow - that's tricky....
Geishawhelk Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 No, it isn't. It's what you make it. If you asked for NC (or he did) then it's a simple matter really, of making sure the request is complied with. From both ends. It might put you through an emotional wringer, but actually, you can make things much better and easier for yourself by being determined from day one, to say to yourself, "this is the first day of the rest of my life, so why don't I just enjoy myself?"
noforgiveness Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 He's a liar. He lies to his wife and kids daily. He disrespects his wife daily. Did you really think he would respect your request of no contact?
Author blueberry Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 He's a liar. He lies to his wife and kids daily. He disrespects his wife daily. Did you really think he would respect your request of no contact? Not married (engaged for 2 years). No kids. But yes, I agree.
noforgiveness Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 Not married (engaged for 2 years). No kids. But yes, I agree. Please Blueberry please have a heart and don't let this woman marry him. Don't let her have children with him. Don't make the whole beginning of starting a married life and a family be lies. Tell her the truth so she doesn't waste half her life on a no good cheater.
carhill Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 Cold turkey??? Wow - that's tricky.... Just like with any addiction, "cold-turkey" is a path to recovery, and only if and when you want it to be. I did not read your backstory, but, if postings here are accurate, even more reason to be strong in this regard. It does work. It can change you if you let it and actively use your mind to think your way through it. It is hard. I've never had an addiction (like tobacco, drugs or alcohol) so I don't know what people with those addictions go through when quitting, but I do know that I had night sweats, involuntary tremors, and a host of other physical symptoms, generally worst at between 14-21 days, and again near the 45 day mark. If you do begin to feel better as a result of NC (assuming you can avoid this person at work), and then allow LC or slip up, you may experience some of the symptoms again (that happened to me). I've found it gets lesser and lesser over time. I also found the mental work changed my fundamental emotional and logical viewpoint. The emotion and thoughts don't rule me anymore. I accept that they are there but don't feel the compulsion/impulsion. Hope that makes sense
jj33 Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 Oh Blue I get that nonsense all the time. Its like I am his personal PA, best friend and professional advisor all rolled into one. If any time goes by and we havent been in touch there is always "something" that he needs to contact me about. You did exactly the right thing. Just short answers specifically addressed to the work subject. I am afraid that may be as good as it gets. And others will disagree with me, but its not a bad way to go. Its neutral commnication. It keeps the peace. It wont create a scene at work where people suddenly realize you were close and now dont speak. Ive kept it up for the past few months like that and its been ok. The professional side is ticking along nicely. The personal side limps along a little more gingerly but it works.
Owl Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 Well Blue...at least now I'm not the only one who's trying to explain the "cold turkey" concept to you, my friend. He was fishing...and you nibbled. He knows that your "NC" is very soft, and he'll continue to contact you. It will continue until something truly forces a change in this situation.
Baileykeg Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 Hey Blueberry. Just wanted to put my 2 cents in here for what it's worth. I've been where you are many times back when I went through this with my MM. I tried the NC thing with him multiple times. Each time was hell....pure hell....then one or the other of us would send some email or text and sure enough the other would respond right away. It was enough for a little "fix" knowing that he was thinking of me. After multiple times of trying NC the times in between the "useless email" would get a little longer as I grew stronger and realized that NC was the only way to get out of the devastating cycle that we were in. I'll be the first to admit that I didn't listen to the advice of all the wise people on LS and commit to the fact that NC was really NC. Period. I was weak and needed those little "fixes" to get me through. I realize now that it was a mistake. What is interesting though is now that all of that is behind us and he is divorced is that we talk about how those times of attempted NC made each of us feel. He said that he always knew that even though I said No Contact that he could email and/or call and get a response from me. He knew that I was still waiting for him and it wasn't until I really did stop responding to him and contacting him that it became clear to him very quickly that I was serious. He said it was a big reality check for him. I can't promise that this will work in your situation but hopefully at least knowing that as long as you respond to him IN ANY WAY that he won't believe no contact really IS no contact. I hope this helps. Hang in there.
Author blueberry Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 Trying to maintain a level of professionalism in the office. He was working from home this morning (as he is now on holiday with fluffy) After this morning's emails I get this message: ******************* "Hey... I have a BIG favour to ask of you... I am supposed to send out a leaders brief today but my system is down so there are things I cannot do...how busy are you? Please reply. If you can help I will be back on here at 12 and we can discuss further then". ********************** So - like a complete muppet - I reply and say "Of course I will help". And guess what? He doesn't reply! And he is now halfway to Mauritius. What a fool! I think he was just testing me to see how serious I was about NC. Thing is, I don't want to let it affect our jobs and so I didn't want to come across as pathetic by NOT responding. Instead I feel pathetic ANYWAY because I found myself waiting at 12 for him to make contact again. And he didn't. Round One to him. If he wants to play - it's on.
Owl Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 Alright...I'm going to say it...but only to drive a point home.... I TOLD YOU SO!! :) Get mad. And do something about it. Its the only way you're going to force a real change in this situation.
Geishawhelk Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk!! Blueberry, come on....you are sooooooo much better than this! Ideal time to close down and shut the doors now he's away......!
quankanne Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 okay, is he your superior or someone who heavily relies on you at work, or is this "asking for help" just his way of trying to breach your barriers? Because it sure sounds like he has no respect for your decision to go NC, and will do sneakly little things like this to get around it. Whether they're legit requests or not.
Author blueberry Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 okay, is he your superior or someone who heavily relies on you at work, No - we are at the same level but he relies on me for specialist intel. I've been here nearly 12 years - he has been here for 1 year. I *do not* want to "not speak" when we share an office. Its pretty petty. Any chance I can restrict contact to being about work only? Be more monosymbolic in my responses?
Author blueberry Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 Alright...I'm going to say it...but only to drive a point home.... I TOLD YOU SO!! :) Get mad. And do something about it. Its the only way you're going to force a real change in this situation. Damn you and your insight! Yup - you were right Owl. Hence the name eh. Wise old bird.
Geishawhelk Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 No - Any chance I can restrict contact to being about work only? Be more monosymbolic in my responses? (I think you mean 'monosyllabic'..... ) If his questions or approaches are to do with business, be polite, direct and say no more than is necessary. If the message touches on anything personal (even within the business message) ignore the approach. If he says 'why aren't you talking to me?' [or similar] answer, 'Because I don't want to. I thought I'd made that clear in my request for NC'..... just as my bit in the pot........
Terminator Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 Blue, this man isn't even married yet, just engaged and he's cheating on her with you. Why are you even interested? He's a single man who's made a choice to be with someone else.
Author blueberry Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 Blue, this man isn't even married yet, just engaged and he's cheating on her with you. Why are you even interested? He's a single man who's made a choice to be with someone else. I've tried to tell my pheromones that but they're just not listening.
DealingWDrama Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 There is something sick and twisted about people who play games with other people's emotions... Good luck with your situation.
jj33 Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 You can do this Blue. Are you his PA or an assistant for his team? If not if you are on the same level and he doesnt have a right to "tag" you to pitch in. But you knew that. It takes time but you will set your boundaries. While he is away he may contact you to do him favors around the office. If appropriate you might forward them to someone else so that they get done. (Like his PA) he will get the message.
Author blueberry Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 You can do this Blue. Are you his PA or an assistant for his team? No, he is in internal comms and I'm a project manager (HP). Regardless - neither of us are above the other, not that it would make one iota of difference. I fail to see the relevence.
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