My story...

[IronMouse]

Hello all. I'm wondering what my chances with this man is, or whether I'm being an obsessive stalker. I'm 28 years-old. Last year, I met and briefly dated a man 8 years my senior. We had a great rapport from the very start, and our physical attraction is very strong.

 

We're both introverts, easy-going, work in similar industries (both artists), have similar interests, same family background, and can chat and laugh for hours. I only dated him 3 weeks (4 dates), but I knew I had something truly special. We didn't do anything, just kiss and make-out. He told me he broke up with his ex-girlfriend of 3 years a few months ago, because she was too "controlling". He didn't elaborate, and I didn't pursue it.

 

After that, he moved to another city for professional reasons/problems. Unfortunately, we had a misunderstanding on the phone, and he thought I was seeing someone else. He broke it off, and I was heartbroken, but survived it and tried to move on.

 

Since then, I've met with a few men for coffee, but never found the same spark. 6 months later I moved to his city, and we reconnected again. We hung out 3 or 4 times and had a great time, and naturally I wanted to get back together - but I found he seemed a bit hesitant in responding to my advances, despite him TELLING me he found me very beautiful.

 

Then 3 weeks ago, he suddenly stopped responding to calls and emails. In retrospect, it seems that he's AGAIN mistakenly thought I was seeing someone else (I mentioned I met a man for coffee on Saturday, but never said we were dating). 1 week ago, I FINALLY got him to come over to my apartment, for purely professional reasons. We had a good chat about all sorts of things, but when he STILL didn't respond to my advances, I decided to fling myself at him and kiss him. He kissed back in a daze, and we continued making out until I said to him "Are you looking for a girlfriend?"

 

Then it came out. He wasn't single. he had an "on/off" girlfriend - he got back together with his ex-girlfriend from last year when she found out I'd SUPPOSEDLY gone out with someone else. We had a heated discussion in my apartment - he wanted to stay friends (I agreed) and forget the whole thing (I disagreed), and I cleared out the misunderstandings from last year.

 

I made it clear I don't tolerate cheaters, and I don't steal other people's boyfriends. I also made it clear I found him special, and I don't go out easily with other men. I wished him the best of luck with his "on/off" girlfriend - but inside, I was pretty damn pissed off. Not at him, but at fate.

 

According to him, his girlfriend and him fight alot. He doesn't like it. He's going through a "rough patch" with her, and he's confused. He says he's unsure of what he wants. Since then, I've made it clear to him that (a) I like him, (b) I don't want to nag him, and © he's an adult, he should make his own decisions. Right now, he's emailed me saying he really values my friendship, and he's gone out of his way to respond to my calls and emails. We've been out for a dinner and movie (AS FRIENDS) since then, and continued to get along well. To his credit, he has NEVER spoken ill of his girlfriend, not even when we were dating last year. He finds me VERY attractive, but has NEVER tried to get onto me.

 

It's only been 1 week since the incident, but I'm beginning to wonder if I'm obsessed. I'm climbing the walls right now, NOT contacting him but wondering if he'll choose his girlfriend over me. I understand his is a difficult decision and they have a history together, BUT DAMMIT HE'D DUMPED HER BEFORE AND THEY FIGHT ALL THE TIME!!! (that's all I know about her, and all I want to know)

 

When we had our heated discussion, we never once raised our voices at each other. When he apologised for procrastinating on the phone, I said I understand and reiterated that I don't nag, and that he's an adult. Maybe all I need is some patience, and to get out of my house more.

 

Thanks for reading my story. I understand my problems are a hill of beans compared to some of the people here, but I just wanted a place to vent anonymously. Any comments and opinions are welcome on this situation.

 

I hope I'm not being a crazy obsessive.

[ahhhchooo]

Whether or not he "likes" what is going on with his on-off gf, he's emotionally involved and isn't going to respond to your advances...

[IronMouse]

Whether or not he "likes" what is going on with his on-off gf, he's emotionally involved and isn't going to respond to your advances...

 

That I understand. I have made NO MORE advances since I found out he has an on-off girlfriend. I will NEVER do such a thing to a man who has a girlfriend, and this man has also shown he will NEVER touch an available woman he's attracted to while he still has a girlfriend (even an on-off one).

[Geishawhelk]

He's pussy-footing. He's indecisive, and probably a bit fazed by the fact that he has two women who potentially would partner him.

Would you have his children, by the way?

 

My advice - FWIW - is cut it out.

You say one thing - about how mature, honourable and sincere you are, (paraphrasing), but on the other hand, you're climbing the wall and just want to have him.

 

Don't say one thing but do another.

If I were you, I'd lay your cards on the table and tell him how this is making you climb up the wall, and that you'd be grateful if he would make his mind up. Her or you?

Be ready for either answer.

And if he chooses her, then cut him out, NC and move on.

[IronMouse]

Thankyou for your advice.

 

Would you have his children, by the way?

 

Yes I would. The first date we went on, he talked about how he was a certain age, and he wanted to get married and have children some day. He asked me if I wanted to get married. I did, but it was a first date, and I stupidly didn't understand the implications of his question. I didn't give a proper answer, and he assumed "No" to both questions.

 

This year, on our earlier hang-outs, he asked me if I was divorced or engaged. I said not at all, and that someday I want to get married, if I find the right person. I didn't ask him back, but I assume a guy only asks about marriage if he has some interest in it.

 

You say one thing - about how mature, honourable and sincere you are, (paraphrasing), but on the other hand, you're climbing the wall and just want to have him. Don't say one thing but do another.

 

I understand it's immature, which is why I'm venting on this forum. Any other man and I would leave this god-forsaken situation, but I don't just want to "have" him. I lust after him, but it's the friendship and connection I truly value. THAT is why I want to be with him.

 

I haven't been climbing the walls much, only today. I work at home, so I don't get to talk to people much. The isolation gets to me sometimes, but at least this weekend I'm going out with friends.

 

If I were you, I'd lay your cards on the table and tell him how this is making you climb up the wall, and that you'd be grateful if he would make his mind up. Her or you?

Be ready for either answer.

And if he chooses her, then cut him out, NC and move on.

 

Thankyou for your advice, it's what I've done (gently). I HAVE given him a nudge by letting him know, but I also don't want him to choose me and regret it later. These decisions do take time, and it's only been a week, and he's just been setting up a new studio and getting started on his new project.

 

I also want to take the time to get to know him better, and him to know me better. Even if he breaks up with his girlfriend tomorrow, I won't date him for a few months. I don't want to be the rebound girl, but I want to give him all the emotional support he needs if that happens.

 

However, I don't ever want to cut off contact with him, even if he chooses her. It'll be painful for me, but he's one of the few people I truly feel a connection with. That we've remained friends and can talk so easily after this is a miracle. He won't touch me while he has a girlfriend, and I won't touch him.

 

Currently, I've been continuing to meet new people - I don't believe in sitting around waiting for him either. Maybe I'll meet someone I like so much again, but so far it's been slim pickins.

[BackonTrack]

From the tone of the post, this women seems upset he is unable tomake a decision. He is not in-decisive. He made his choice.

 

He told you he has a girlfriend.

He refused your advances.

 

Thats it sweety, you have your answers.

 

Leave it alone

[IronMouse]

From the tone of the post, this women seems upset he is unable tomake a decision. He is not in-decisive. He made his choice.

 

He told you he has a girlfriend.

He refused your advances.

 

Thats it sweety, you have your answers.

 

Leave it alone

 

... I should say now that I'm a VIRGIN, and my previous "advances" consisted of touching him on the shoulder and arms. Not kissing or groping him (reserved only for boyfriends).

 

I AM upset he's unable to make a decision, but I think you're wrong to think that he's chosen his girlfriend over me. You're right that I SHOULD stay a friend and leave him alone though.

 

I've already mentioned once that I'm still interested in him, but won't nag him, and he has to make his own decision. When I told him that, he apologised for procrastinating, and I said I didn't mind.

 

The thing is - a month ago, he TOLD ME HE WAS SINGLE, when I asked him. HE SAID HE HAD NO GIRLFRIEND (hence the on-off girlfriend thing). Unfortunately, I said something about meeting a man for coffee, which made him think I was seeing someone. Since then, he'd avoided me. But it was cleared up 2 weeks later, on the day I kissed him (he only found out I was single ON THAT DAY).