what do you think

[cherrymoon]

I need some of your thoughts please.

 

OM sent me an invite on msn to talk to him.

I immediately refused. I deleted all his details months ago possibly as far back as a year ago,but obviously he hasn't done the same. I knew he would try to make contact as soon as he saw I was home.

 

He tried this a few months ago before my H and I were back together, I also refused that time. I have changed my phone number so that he could no longer make contact and I had moved 100 miles away.

 

Here's the thing. I want 100% honesty with my H so my initial reaction is to tell him however, he would hit the roof and I fear truthfully what he would do.

 

Things have been really good the last few weeks but last week H lost it out of the blue and unprovoked We were out and he had a little too much to drink. He was once again very abusive and overstepped the line, HE DID NOT HIT ME. I did not engage and therefore he was more antagonised yet didn't get his fight.

The next day he told me he was ashamed etc. My issue is that right now he is dealing with his thoughts and issues however badly, but he is dealing with them. I want to tell him about OM trying to make contact but I don't want to make this period any worse.

I want honesty , I am not protecting OM just my family. The truth always outs and I am 100% sure that he will find out eventually. He has my email passwords so he could easily check.

 

When I ignored OM's request I without thinking deleted his address so I cannot email him and tell him to stay away. This guy will not give up that I am sure of. H may check oneday and there could be another request.

Does anyone know if I can block him on my email acc or will I just change my address (least of my worries)

 

Thanks

[whichwayisup]

Whatever you do, DO NOT contact the OM and tell him to leave you alone. Your silence is good enough.

 

While you're at it, get a new MSN account (email and messenger), so he won't be able to contact you at all on the one you're on now.

 

Part of me feels you should tell your husband, but it might make things worse. But, if you don't tell, and if finds out on his own, he'll be pissed. Sorry I can't be much help, but again, whatever you DO, do NOT break contact.

[username24]

You need to tell your H. Although I suspect that he will be upset that the email he sent you is deleted (looks like you are 'hiding' the evidence, even if you aren't)

 

If my WW got an email from the OM, I would be very upset if she didn't tell me. Even more upset if I found out on my own.

[cherrymoon]

Thanks ever so much guys.

 

I really wasn't hiding anything, I just refused the request so it automatically disappeared at least I presume it does once you say no. I deleted his email address ages ago. I won't contact him. I really want nothing to do with him.

 

H wants revenge, he loses all reason when it comes to this guy. I am presuming the worst, that he will ring OM"s wife and go mad. I honestly don't want him getting into trouble.

 

I think if I am to prove I can be trusted he needs to be told. The timing is so unbelievably bad.

Things are tense between us after his outburst at the weekend and yesterday he went for a drink with a female friend who i have not met, I got upset by this and we fell out.

I just feel that right now if we are to have new friends of the opposite sex that we should only see them when he and I are together (i have enough friends for now and I don't trust any guy who wants to be my friend right now).

This isn't about not trusting him, I know he wants this marriage to work. I am just uncomfortable with her as she is a close friend of his ex and for some reason I feel undermined by him going for a drink with her.

Stupid i know but I feel we need to look after each other and reasure each other until we are strong again

 

Anyway back to OM the longer I leave it not telling him the more it looks like i am hiding something.

 

Thanks for your imput guys I really appreciate it

[Owl]

OK...tell your husband.

 

Change your IM account.

 

And...WHY SHOULD YOU CARE IF YOUR H TELLS OM'S WIFE OR NOT????

 

She deserves to know...especially since OM is trying to resume the affair. Let your h call her and tell her the truth...let OM suffer consequences for his actions.

 

Do NOT try to protect him from what he's due...especially not at the risk of your own marriage.

[whichwayisup]

presuming the worst, that he will ring OM"s wife and go mad. I honestly don't want him getting into trouble.

 

Stop protecting the OM. Who cares what he thinks and feels. I mean if he is stupid enough to keep on contacting you, then your husband has EVERY RIGHT to call up his wife and tell her that her husband is trying to contact you again.

 

Your husband should come first, his feelings and what he thinks - NOT the OM. If you allow yourself to feel sympathy for the OM, to care what happens in his life, in his marriage, then you're not focussing on healing, letting go of the OM.

[quankanne]

Tell your husband that you're changing your email and IM accounts because you recently had to turn back mail/message from this jerk. That way you kill two birds with one stone and your husband sees that you're doing everything you can to keep this guy out of your life.

 

as bad as this sounds, your husband contacting the other guy's wife might not be such a bad idea if your former lover keeps bugging you. That way she's in on what's going on and can deal with things accordingly on her end, possibly even helping you if he ends up dropping all communication.

 

at this point, as hard as it makes things, you need to be open with your husband about all of this becasue right now, you trying to build up the trust in your relationship. Avoid mentioning ex's fishing expeditions through IM/email, and your husband is just going to see it as lies and cover-ups just the way it probably was before.

[cherrymoon]

Hi thanks again.

 

Sorry I wasn't clear on why I don't want him telling her. I don't care if she knows or not.

I meant, I don't want him as in my Husband getting into trouble. I don't care one bit about OM. Sorry for being thick and not stating what is obvious to me, I realise that on rereading it, it read like I was worried about OM:sick:.

 

My H as I said loses all reason, it would not be a polite phonecall it would be verbally offensive.

I would be afraid that he would antagonise this guy and it would become physical and sadly my H would lose.

 

I want he and I to be safe. The police were involved with this before I don't want him getting hurt or in trouble.

 

 

Anyway I told him. He reacted calmly thank god and said he wants us to accept OM's invite then print off the conversations and send them to his wife.

 

I deleted his email so presently we have no way of doing this and hopefully Om will realise that this is over and get on with his life and leave me to fix my marriage.

 

I am very low today I am so ashamed of what I have done and sadly I see how this man burrowed into my life he never gives up.

However I made the choice no one forced me. I was such a fool.

 

I am really glad I told him, /thank you all.

[Sup]

So your hubby knows about pervert trying to get into your pants again? Why don't you also contact OM's wife with your hubby right there with you, it may be possible that OM could intercept the messages somehow.........

[cherrymoon]

Yes H knows everything.

 

I am not in any hurry to contact his wife, I thought about this before and I know if he tries again I will have too.

 

The truth is and I hope this sounds the way I mean it to.

I have spent 18 months trying to fix my life, 18 months dealing with my guilt, 18 months trying to hold my head up again, 18 months trying to prove to my kids that I am so unbelievably sorry and 18 months trying to get my H to forgive me and believe how ashamed and sorry I am.

 

I have threatened and fought with this guy to stay away and until I moved away and changed my number did I finally get peace.

 

He kept his family, home and wife, I am not his first affair and his wife knows this. His wife has chosen to stay with him for love ? for Money? for the kids? for whatever reason she chose to stay.

 

I on the other hand lost it all and for some reason be it love, fate or by the grace of god?? I have a second chance to fix my family to raise my kids in a home with their father.

I have all the energy in the world to fix this and I am not going to waist one ounce of it on him be that fighting him off or seeking some sort of revenge.

 

I want to hold my family close to me and keep the world outside.

telling his wife will bring more hurt and pain to my family because I believe he would go after my H.

 

He is a strange man he hates me being with H. His only reason being he is unbelievably jealous.

 

He went on my facebook he has found me on another forum he has (before the number change) rung me and said nothing (supposedly just to hear my voice) he has supposedly driven to the region I moved to in the hopes he would find me.

He has flipped out because I have refused to meet him.

 

You see since april I have had a quiet life from him (changed my number) and I have been able to step back and see how I got played and how ridiculously stupid I was.

 

I needed that space to get out of the insanity that fogs your head when one is in an affair. I don't want to have any contact with him in any shape or form. I don't want his anger, I don't want my husband being told anything that a vindictive ex lover might say. I don't want anymore hurt.

Yes I am protecting myself but more than that i am protecting my family he invaded this family once before because of my stupidity. He ain't getting back in in any way ever again.

 

 

If you think I am wrong and you think that I should tell her for the sake of my marriage then yes I am at his front door in minutes.

 

My H and I want normality, we miss each other and just want to move on.

i think the best revenge is me refusing to acknowledge him. For him to know i am with my H and I am happy, in love, smiling and laughing.

 

He cannot touch me.

[Reggie]

Sounds like you handled this well. Your H must be a really decent guy with a big heart to deal with this so well.

[SoulStorm]

You're doing great cherrymoon! As for telling OMW, you could, but what good would it really do? She knows he's a cheat. You could tell just to cover your bases as far as protecting your family, but I highly doubt that she would be an ally.

[Reggie]

I disagree with the above. The past actions were reprehensible, truly cruel, callous and selfish. But, there's nothing pathetic about taking responsibility and changing(although the marriage can only rarely be saved).

Folks that continue to cheat and never feel remorse are, most likely, personality disordered. They never feel for their victims and never change.

I have no respect for that lifestyle.

If you are willing to try to make this work(against the odds) and have remorse etc. , I respect that.

[Sup]

I want to hold my family close to me and keep the world outside.

telling his wife will bring more hurt and pain to my family because I believe he would go after my H.

 

Him go after your husband? If I remember reading correctly, your husband would like to go after him and have a crack at him! What? You don't think your hubby can beat the piss out of OM? I don't consent to violence by the way, but, I know you know what I'm saying here. OM doesn't have the RAGE that your husband has, so he may be dead meat to him!

[cherrymoon]

Troubadour

 

Watch this space I am going to prove you wrong and not only that but I would rather be remorseful than be a woman yelling from the top of my head that I am a lying cheating whore and proud of it.

 

I am sorry that your experiences have lead you to be such and expert on human nature and i am glad that whenever you see my posts you get the opportunity to vent your hatred.

 

I respect your views but I have punished myself enough and I have suffered you will be thrilled to know at the hands of my H.

 

However that was in the past and he knows that for 14 yrs I was the best wife he could haved wished for and he wants her back and she is here.

is he a fool ? probably because maybe I don't deserve a second chance but the one thing i know is I will never ever have an affair again.

I saw the hurt in my sons eyes when he told them, I saw the furry and hurt in his.

Even a lying cheating whore can have her soul ripped out.

I will never apologise for being remorseful. I HATE WHAT I DID. I AM SORRY, I WISH ICOULD TURN BACK TIME but i can't so all I can do is change my future.

 

Reggie thank you.

 

Sup i wasn't being disrespectful saying my h wouldn't win. truth is even if he was able to beat the guy to a pulp he would still lose as he would end up in prison. Violence is not the answer. Enough hurt both physical and mental has been had in this house.

 

He and I need to concentrate on us, our kids and our future.

 

Thank you to you all for your input, I take courage and hope from owl as he says he and his wife got through it.

i know I will do whatever it takes to rebuild my marriage and protect my family.

 

Thank you all

[pelicanpreacher]

The next time your former OM contacts you reply to him that you'll be forwarding his message immediately to your husband who you will make sure to address all future inquiries! This sends the message that you will no longer tolerate contact by him and that he'd have better odds on conducting an affair with your husband in the future than with you!

[cherrymoon]

Should he contact me again i will just hand it over to my husband. I will step back and leave it to him.

It is the only way i can prove that I am not protecting OM and prove that my priorities lie with him (husband).

 

Thanks

[bish]

I need some of your thoughts please.

 

OM sent me an invite on msn to talk to him.

I immediately refused. I deleted all his details months ago possibly as far back as a year ago,but obviously he hasn't done the same. I knew he would try to make contact as soon as he saw I was home.

 

He tried this a few months ago before my H and I were back together, I also refused that time. I have changed my phone number so that he could no longer make contact and I had moved 100 miles away.

 

Here's the thing. I want 100% honesty with my H so my initial reaction is to tell him however, he would hit the roof and I fear truthfully what he would do.

 

He may hit the roof, but he should realize you did not initiate the contact and told him right away. If you don't and he finds out later, then I'd fear fear what he would do.

 

Here is an idea, keep the message and let your husband respond to him. Tell your husband to respond to the jackass and that might just show him that you are being honest and giving him the decision to deal with it in his way.

 

But do be warned, it will bring up visions in your husbands head.

 

nobody said doing the right thing after cheating is easy. You have to take your lumps.

 

 

Things have been really good the last few weeks but last week H lost it out of the blue and unprovoked We were out and he had a little too much to drink. He was once again very abusive and overstepped the line, HE DID NOT HIT ME. I did not engage and therefore he was more antagonised yet didn't get his fight.

 

honestly, since this is all still very fresh and raw to him, as long as he didn't hit you, I don't think any outburst from him would be overstepping any line. Its to be expected. You betrayed him. What do you expect?

 

 

The next day he told me he was ashamed etc. My issue is that right now he is dealing with his thoughts and issues however badly, but he is dealing with them. I want to tell him about OM trying to make contact but I don't want to make this period any worse.

 

Let your husband take out his frustrations on the OM and let him respond to him. Be an open book.

 

 

I want honesty , I am not protecting OM just my family. The truth always outs and I am 100% sure that he will find out eventually. He has my email passwords so he could easily check.

 

When I ignored OM's request I without thinking deleted his address so I cannot email him and tell him to stay away.

 

not good. if your husband finds out you deleted it, it will look like you are hiding something.

 

Wait to see if he contacts you again, and if so, let your husband respond to him.

[cherrymoon]

Thank You Bish:)

 

(that has to be the nastiest picture ever )

 

Anyway yes I told him, I explained that when I refused the request (there was the option accept or decline, as it was the offical msn, "MR x invites you to chat" , or something alone those lines)

so I gave him access to my chats etc and he knows how useless I am on the computer so he got right in and guess what we found out. OM somehow (and I swear i had no idea how) he was able to see whenever I was on line???

It was great because H saw my reaction of sheer horror and anger and then my upset.

 

 

Worst of all though. Although he appreciated my honesty and my open book attitude he is fuming with OM he feels hugely disrespected again and rightly so. Just as you said he is fighting off the images again and we have had 3 miserable days. However we talked, fought, talked and cried all last night and today we are smiling again and just had a fantastic lunch date.

 

 

I am angry, I admitted to my H that I wanted to ring him email him whatever and tell him to F off but that it was just a huge temptation but I know he would thrive on the contact so not to worry I won't be doing it.

 

 

I take the rough patches on the chin.

Bad things did happen when my H found out and I am not going to go into them. Surfice to say I do not want any outbursts. He is allowed to be angry and to have a go and i accept that, I have to.

 

Thanks again

[SoulStorm]

He is allowed to be angry and to have a go and i accept that, I have to.

 

I hope that you are not alluding to he got physical with you. He is allowed to be angry, but he is not allowed to physically abuse you no matter how much you think you deserved it. He can punch a wall or door or even break something, but not you.

[cherrymoon]

Sadly there has been violence.

 

I am a strong person and have realised that abuse within a marriage can only happen in secret (just like affairs)

 

I have taken a lot of action and had counselling to deal with this and to not accept such behaviour.

 

 

I won't bring up my kids in a house where violence exsists.

He is an amazing person but has this dark side (he has been in therapy for 2yrs).

It isn't a personality disorder

This is how his family deal with things this is learnt behaviour.

This is no excuse but i know he can change and has.

 

I am not here to ask help on this issue as I have my family and friends now all aware of what it was like and so I know I don't have to cover up and i certainly don't have to stay.

My family are apprehensive but they really love him they understand why i am back and so are watching over me.

 

I have been to hell and back as has he.

We want a new life together.

I do not want to talk about him and his faults as he doesn't deserve that I can only fix me and do my best to fix my part in our marriage breakdown he has to take responsibility for the part he played in this.

 

My first post was all about him not acknowledging his treatment of me and that all the blame lies with me.

I realise now that he is too ashamed to deal with it other than through therapy. One step at a time for now.

 

Violence is a deal breaker he knows I won't accept it anymore and he knows he is wrong and it is a choice.

 

Thank you.

[bish]

Thank You Bish:)

 

(that has to be the nastiest picture ever )

 

Anyway yes I told him, I explained that when I refused the request (there was the option accept or decline, as it was the offical msn, "MR x invites you to chat" , or something alone those lines)

so I gave him access to my chats etc and he knows how useless I am on the computer so he got right in and guess what we found out. OM somehow (and I swear i had no idea how) he was able to see whenever I was on line???

It was great because H saw my reaction of sheer horror and anger and then my upset.

 

 

Worst of all though. Although he appreciated my honesty and my open book attitude he is fuming with OM he feels hugely disrespected again and rightly so. Just as you said he is fighting off the images again and we have had 3 miserable days. However we talked, fought, talked and cried all last night and today we are smiling again and just had a fantastic lunch date.

 

 

I am angry, I admitted to my H that I wanted to ring him email him whatever and tell him to F off but that it was just a huge temptation but I know he would thrive on the contact so not to worry I won't be doing it.

 

 

I take the rough patches on the chin.

Bad things did happen when my H found out and I am not going to go into them. Surfice to say I do not want any outbursts. He is allowed to be angry and to have a go and i accept that, I have to.

 

Thanks again

 

So did your husband contact the OM? send him an IM through this service? Do you have a cell# your husband can call and tell the other man that he knows and to not contact you again?

 

but then again, if someone betrayed me, I wouldn't feel good about them having a chat account, myspace, facebook....whatever.

 

Have you thought about abandoning those activities?

[bish]

I hope that you are not alluding to he got physical with you. He is allowed to be angry, but he is not allowed to physically abuse you no matter how much you think you deserved it. He can punch a wall or door or even break something, but not you.

 

Thats right. verbal outbursts, or physical outbursts at some inanimate object are to be expected.

 

But physical violence against you or anyone else, with the exception if he ever had to defend himself, say for example, if the OM stalked him, is NOT acceptable.

[cherrymoon]

Bish,

My facebook is rather dull, my H has access to it as I have to his. I have blocked OM and to be honest I only use it to keep up to date with my closest friend who lives in asia.

 

H actually set it up for me.

My cell phone is at all times in full view and he can access my phone records (that i cannot change)

 

If he asked me to give up any of them it isn't a problem.

 

I want this marriage. i have given up a really lovely life and home and moved away from my friends and family to do this. he absolutely understands i didn't need to do this. He knows how much i have sacrificed to make this work.

 

He sees it as me giving him another chance??????

 

No he didn't contact OM. He does have a number for him.

 

 

2 long they were very kind words.

 

This has been a really tough week I am feeling really vulnerable (long story Not H's fault he is being amazing. i have my demons and conscience keeping me up at night) anyway all kind words are appreciated and need to be acknowledged by me to ye.

That is how support works Imo.

 

I always make a point of reading your posts.

Hope life is good and you are tripping over your happiness:)

 

 

Bish you need to toughen up people are gonna see the nice guy in you,

that pic is still really hideos, it creeps me out:confused:

[jmargel]

Cherrymoon..

 

This OM has NO loyalty to your husband, so why is your husband getting upset at him? You refused the contact and that should be the end of it. When things were happening with me, I could only be upset at my wife for it was her who had the devotion to me. It wasn't like this OM was a friend of your husbands or family.

 

I think you both need to look at the 'roots' of this problem. The cheating is not the main problem, it's a result of other issues that were not dealt with. Such as personality, attitude, maturity, communication. These are only a few that if left unresolved can result in a spouse to cheat. Often a cheating spouse searches for what is missing in their marriage with another person. They fall into the infactuation (puppy dog love stage) and get their judgements clouded.

 

Neglect, verbal, physical, emotional and mental are all abuses! They all hurt equally. I hope you can find what you are searching for and remember to keep clear boundaries on what is acceptable and what is not in your marriage.