Quiet Pro Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 the OM's marriage to fall apart? I want to take the evidence I have to his wife as payback for the destruction of my family. I know I need to focus on the decisions my wife made. But I really want to get him back as well. Please share.
OrangeKin Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 It sounds as though you're wanting this out of anger. I don't blame you. I've had similar thoughts that I wanted to get back at my own H (not so much the OW) and make him feel as bad as he's made me feel (though, by means other than cheating! Two wrongs don't make a right). But that was a while ago. Anger doesn't rule my life anymore, and believe me it did for a long time. Everything I did and said was out of anger towards H but looking back, those feelings seem childish and immature compared to where I am now. Just sharing my experience; our stories are completely different, and you are entitled to your feelings. I'm sorry you're going through this.
carhill Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 Normal to have such a feeling and thought of action? Absolutely Ethical? Unknown. You are the arbiter of your ethical code. Society may judge you. I don't know that I'd apply ethics to "wants", rather to actions about to be taken. When the thought is being put into action, that's where the ethic applies and should control, IMO. Personally, I find, when I am very angry and want to take action based on that anger, that, unless my life or that of a loved one is in danger, stepping back, assessing, and reflecting upon the ramifications of my actions gives me a better perspective. Has your W broken off contact with the OM?
norajane Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 I think it's a good idea to wait until you pass through the hot anger phase before taking actions that affect other people. Or have you already moved on to resentment and revenge mode? Either way, the news will significantly impact his wife and family. You will be speaking to a woman who is likely to be very hurt by what you tell her. It's not an easy conversation to have. Give it some thought before you contact her.
username24 Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 I waited 6 months to tell the OM's W. He knew that I knew the entire time. Looking back I smile knowing the stress he must have felt wondering if/when I was going to inform his wife. Personally I don't think intentions make a damn difference when it comes to telling the OP's spouse. 'Outing' the A is the right thing to do no matter if you are doing it for revenge or to save your M. That said, I do think you need to do it in a way that is respectful to the OP's spouse. You are about to drop a bombshell on them that will change their life forever.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 QP, His wife and family are going to be devistated. I think that women with young children for the most part will feel guilt about breaking up a home for their own needs even in infidelity. I do think that she needs to know. I hope that you will tell her as a service to her and not a disservice to him. Revenge seldom has the liberating affect that you are seeking, usually it ends in feeling even more empty. I understand first hand your pain, anger, grief, betrayal, ect... been round and round with that myself. I don't know anyone who hasn't experienced that without some fantasy of the ultimate revenge or desire to disclose these discretions to the world. I question, though, how you can live the hurt and anger, and want to tell this woman not out of empathy but to break up her family and bring her hurt. From my own experience, it would be the hardest thing I could ever do (and heck, I spent years having to give families the bad news that a loved one had died) to tell a friend that they were being betrayed. It would literally be heartbreaking to me. Your wife made the decision to be unfaithful. He knowingly aided and abedded. If we twisted it around and this MM's wife were the first to come up with the evidence, how would you feel about her asking if it is ethical to bring you the news as revenge for your wife, to break up her family and devistate her H and Kids? I also believe that if you approach her in a manner that involves any anger (that is not going to be HER first reaction, hurt will be) or emotion on your part, she will question your motives and YOU will be perceived as the enemy. Do you know if she has family in town or a support network? You know, if you could convice her to lay quiet on this for awhile, together you might get more of the type of evidence that you are looking for. TWO families are going to be devistated by this and their is no changing the past, why not take the high road and achieve your mission with the least distruction. You and your children will also be living in the aftermath of this. Why not take the high road, do what is needed to be done, but protect the innocent from any more damage than has already been caused by these two very selfish individuals. I'm sorry you are living this, it causes as many physical manifestations as emotional. Good luck to you.
2sure Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 I would tell her. I would tell her because I was angry. I would tell her because its the right thing to do. I would tell her so that it affects the OM. I would tell her so that the A partners both have to deal with what they have done. In fact, I would go as far to say that if you dont tell her, you are helping him.
ThumbingMyWay Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 Quiet Pro my only advice is how your using this site. Believe me, there are several of us following your story. And we are here to help. BUT if I may suggest a better approach for using LS. You have started 6 or 7 different threads about your situation. It seems that people give advice on said questions, then you dont respond to those threads, but start a new thread with new questions. It would more beneficail to you and easy for those following you if you stuck with ONE thread and kept all your posts to that one thread. That way we and you can progress and you will get alot more advice that way. Plus people cant read the back ground instead of viewing all the threads you started. I suggest you go back and use one of your first ones....the one titled "Your wife cheated while you were in Iraq". That one will get the most attention IMO. keep us posted, we are here to help.
blueintheface Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 i think the questions that i wanted to ask you from your posts in other threads was: - are you redirecting all the anger at your wife towards OM? - where's her responsibility in all this? because your posts before were a little chaotic (understandable but also worrying). but now that i think about it, sometimes being a good person can be quite detrimental to your health (mental health, ulcers, heartburn). that said, you should tell his wife because she deserves to know of course but also it might help some of that bubbling rage inside you so you can think clearer. me personally, i would bide my time ......
Ronni_W Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 sometimes being a good person can be quite detrimental to your health (mental health, ulcers, heartburn). I would suggest that one can be a "good person" AND ALSO take care of one's mental, emotional and physical health...by learning effective coping skills ~~ how to properly work through and release anger, relaxation & stress management techniques, positive communication, assertiveness, etc., etc. QP, whether or not you ultimately decide to unload this on the OM's wife, I agree with those who are recommending to wait until your motives include at least a small amount of "wanting to do right by her" instead of just wanting to hurt/destroy her husband.
couchmonkey Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 The law is no longer on your side. We don't stone *******s like him to death. Teach him repercussions in the private sector.
Lucky_One Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 [FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif][sIZE=2]Conventional wisdom says to tell other parties about an EMA. Since you want to save your marriage (or so you indicate in most of your posts), then you are "supposed" to let the other spouse know, employers, families and friends. Reasons? To kill the secrecy and the feeling of "it's just our secret" that make affairs thrive. To utilize healthy shame when everyone knows what you were doing. To get employers and families to help keep the affair partners apart by taking away opportunity and cover stories. If you want to do it to save your marriage, then yes. If you want to do it to destroy this man's marriage, then no. You could possibly set things into action that you could regret; how would you feel if his wife killed herself in despair? [/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT]
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