smile711 Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Before you all start posting and "yelling" at me , I know my xMM was bad news. Just to review, smoker, daily drinker, daily pot smoker, serial cheater, much older than me, left me to go back home twice, the last time after living with me for 4 months. He sent that stupid a** "accidental" text message (and the 4 after it) and he rattled my cage. My brain understands fully that this man was not healthy for me. But I felt so loved, even if it was wrong. Someone called, someone was here when I got home, someone cooked me dinner, someone fell asleep next to me. My phone rings, and I jump. I still love him...the genuine parts that I saw of him. I feel like I am incomplete without him. It's been 33 days NC (not counting the ridiculous texts) and I hurt like crazy. I worry about him and how he's doing. I wonder if he's not calling because he shouldn't or because he doesn't want to-that would be the worst thing. To think that he doesn't even wonder about me is torture. I don't want him to call as much as I want him to WANT to call. Make sense? Probably as much sense as anything I ramble about does! Thanks for listening
whichwayisup Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 You're having withdrawal and also the ego part is taking over...Hense the "I want him to WANT to call me..." and the wondering if he's thinking about you. Write this off as just another phase you're going through. You need to get back the anger and disguist. Hanging on, allowing yourself to miss him, remember and wish is only doing harm to you. Keep that in mind next time you start missing him. 1% of a good memory with him isn't worth the 99% bad memories with him.
GreenEyedLady Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 You're lonely. You haven't met anyone special yet and the bond is still there. Would you really want to be with a man long-term that is a pot smoker, smoker, alcoholic and would break your heart in a heartbeat? You want someone who will put you first. You'll find him but you have to get over XMM first. (((HUGS)))
Owl Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 Affairs are ADDICTIVE. As WWIU said, you're now in the 'withdrawl phase'...and that's why you're feeling those things that you are. Given time and NC...it WILL fade.
blueberry Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 I wonder if he's not calling because he shouldn't or because he doesn't want to-that would be the worst thing. To think that he doesn't even wonder about me is torture. I don't want him to call as much as I want him to WANT to call. Make sense? Absolutely makes sense.
jj33 Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 Didnt he text you by accident the other day? Of course he is thinking of you. You just need to get past this point It may take a few weeks but you will. Then you will surprise yourself when a few hours go by and you havent wondered why he hasnt called. Big hugs
Author smile711 Posted September 27, 2008 Author Posted September 27, 2008 I am so sick of crying. These daily affirmations from my IC may work someday, but someday sure ain't now. I have no idea who I am these days. I want the life that he and I were working towards-the life he promised me and then cowardly ducked out on. I feel like the only way I will feel whole again is to have a few stolen moments with him, not even physically. It's honestly the emotional aspect I miss more. He was my best friend and that friendship is the toughest thing to lose. I feel like a lost little girl. The tears come and I don't have the strength to push them away. 35 days of NC and it STILL hurts like hell. There are memories of him and of us everywhere I turn. We packed so much into the time we were together that the smallest things will break me down because they make me remember him. Thanks for letting me vent.
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