Ex of 9 months is still doing driveby's

[daphne]

For those of you who are hurting, take solace in one thing if you don't hear from the ex. It's better that they let go than if they hold on to you when they're unhealthy and mentally unstable.

 

My ex hasn't stopped calling for the past 9 months. The longest he went was about 2 months, and he's called several times in the last month. I spoke with him once, when he called from an unknown number. He has called again, even though I told him I was moving.

 

He admitted to doing driveby's, and I got an alarm system. A friend of mine has offered to give me shooting lessons. I am considering buying a gun, and I'm not exactly Sarah Palin. I hate guns. My jaw dropped when I saw him (at least I'm 90% sure it was him because it looked like him and his car is rare) and he saw me see him. He was in my neighborhood and he looked really, really bad. Crack head dirty bad. He used to be a beautiful man.

 

I'd rather he stalk my myspace page.

 

I'm kind of scared.

[BCCA]

I'm assuming you ended things?

 

I doubt you need to worry about the gun. Chances are, you wouldn't be able to get to it quick enough for it to be worthwhile during a crisis. And really, are you prepared to shoot someone?

 

How old is this guy? He sounds somewhat immature. Have you ever told him straight out that there was no need to call ever again, have a nice life?

[daphne]

I ended it 9 months ago. He knows that I am uninterested in pursuing a friendship of any kind.

 

I'm prepared to shoot someone to protect myself. I have to learn how, though. I just don't like being around guns. But I'd rather be safe than sorry. I've been spooked about him showing most of the time since we broke up. I thought I had seen him doing a driveby about 2 months into the breakup but assumed it was my active imagination. To have him admit it (I didn't ask, he just offered it) confirmed the edgy feeling I had.

 

He's in his 30's. I'm afraid of confronting him again because I don't want to set him off.

[upsetnhurt]

Daphne,

 

My ex's bf, who was upper 30's did the same exact things as you have stated within your post (stalking her home, work, etc). He even went further to take out his physical anger on me in the form of stalking my house, pouring paint thinner on my car, and glueing my home door locks. Ironically, my ex found these incidents, while alarming, to be somewhat flattering and eventually wound up back with the man. She blamed herself for the man he had become as she says he was just a beautiful person while they were together. I tried so hard to tell her that even if these actions did not present themselves in some other way while together, they are indicative of a major flaw and would have shown their ugly face at one time or another.

 

I suggest you attempt to take out a restraining order as you never know when these things can escalate and unfortunately by not doing so, the way he thinks, you very well may be giving him hope that you may come around eventually. The restraining order will show him you mean business. Don't think for a second that you know what he is and isnt capable of. People apparently do very strange things when they are in a depression.

[rod_in_gtown]

Don't shoot him. Get a restraining order.

[BleuStar]

Go to the police station and file a complaint on him driving by. At least they will have it on record if something else happens later on.

 

I had a similiar situation with an ex, he ended up stalking me for 2 years. It was 2 years of him following me, sitting outside my work, sending me things in the mail, sending other people in to intimidate me, etc. I always had people telling me it was a coincidence that he was behind me in my car, but after awhile it just got too weird.

 

I went to the police station numerous times and they called him advising him to leave me alone, yet he still did it. The day I had him arrested he was sitting across the street from my work in his car.

 

For a year we were in and out of court and I obtained a 5 year protection order, got cross-examined numerous times, was put through hell having to be in the same room with him while in court and many more terrible things. In the end I ended up giving up and letting him plea to a reduced charge instead of the menacing by stalking he was charged with.

 

So far I haven't seen him around (it's been about 5 months since court), but I still worry that one day I'll catch him following me or even worse, hurting me. This man was a stalker and was sick in the head. It's too bad the justice system wasn't entirely in my favor.

 

Anyway, my point is that you should document these things down. Get a sheet of paper, keep it in a safe place, and write down any time you see him driving by. This was the most important thing they wanted at the police station and in court, my documentation. Get help from the police, maybe they can talk to him and scare him away.

 

Good luck. *hugs*

[daphne]

Thanks for all your responses.

 

upset,

 

I hear where your'e coming from. I don't know what he's capable of. And he was seriously depressed when I left. I do know, however, that he's a very shady character and I realized right before it ended that I really didn't know who I was dealing with. He may be totally harmless, but he may not. After yesterday, I have been considering a restraining order. The problem is that I don't know where he lives now. He's a shady character and seems to have bounced around since he lost his job. Also, I guess I feel that I don't want to overreact in case he's just curious and having a hard time letting go. Or worse, up the ante and aggravate him to worse than just driving by.

 

I think I'm going to wait til something else happens before I even try to contact the police.

 

But don't worry, I'm not exactly flattered by this. I wouldn't take him back, especially not now that he's acting this way.

 

bleu,

 

I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through 2 years of this nonsense. I can imagine that even now you're not comfortable. My situation wasn't the same. I suspected he was around and I was a little scared (check my back before I walk into the house from my garage) but I never had confirmation til last month so I honestly thought it was total paranoia.

 

Some time ago I had a co-worker who was obsessed with me and it took several years and the company to fire him before my life went back to normal. To this day he still sends me birthday cards and emails me from time to time even though I have never answered. People thought I was exagerating also, but the guy made my life hell EVERY DAY AT WORK. HR ignored me when I would cc them requests where I asked the guy to leave me alone. He tracked my coming and going at work every day from aim so he was in the breakroom in the am when I was there, when I left he was in the parking garage. He started to sync coming into work at the time I came in every day so I had to change it. He found my home address and sent me money in teh mail, left gifts at work, followed me around with a camera at work functions (I had to be there because I sometimes coordinated the events) and generally just pestered the crap out of me. If that ever happens again and HR doesn't respond, I will sue them in a new york minute. I just didn't want to rock the boat and since everyone seemed to think I was exagerating, I assumed that I was. I guess that's why I have a bit more of an ostrich approach this time as well.

 

I'm going to give it a little time before I do anything that could upset the apple cart. But if I see him again or if his calls become more frequent, don't worry, I will contact the police.

[rod_in_gtown]

Daphne, the FIRST thing that you need to do, is talk to the police NOW. They won't charge him with anything but you need to start documenting this ASAP. you have waited long enough.

 

Ask them what you should be doing in the meantime so that by the time something does happen, it won't be too late.

 

Get some mace or pepper spray, and carry it always with you. you don't know if he's going to get drunk and come in one day to get what he's been wanting to get for the last 8 months.

 

Better safe than sorry.

[You'reasian]

Daphne,

 

If the guy is still driving by, you need to get a restraining order. Secondly, you need some form of self-protection - whether it be an alarm system (electronic, dog etc.) or something to make you a harder target (weapon) - check your state laws for legally allowed weapons.

[BackonTrack]

What did you do to the guy?

Why don't you want a friendship?