Mino Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Hi everyone, need some advice here. My mm finally made the move, got his own place and fixed it up really nice. The problem is he is being very distant, and withdrawn. I feel I dont even matter, I know he is feeling guilt, I told him if he has had regrets, its ok, he should go home. He says no, he just needs time to get himself healed. He says he needs to do this on his own. I just wish i knew what to do to help, it breaks my heart to see him like this. Any suggestions would be a help. I feel the more I try, the more he pulls away. So I have stepped back completely, no calling, no nothing, just leaving him be, but I feel helpless,
whichwayisup Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 He is grieving the life he once had, even though it was by his choice. He gave up alot to start over, so just give him time and space. You don't have to disappear out of his life, definately talk to him, be his friend - BUT do not be his therapist or sounding board during all this. If you two are going to be together, do it the right way and date, take it real slow.
2sunny Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 he's being smart about keeping you away from the turmoil that is most likely happening in his life. when things settle down he may bring you back into the equation - that is after he is in a healthier place mentally. be grateful he is keeping you out of the chaos at this point. i'm sure it's hard for him right now and will be for a while. he has some hard work to do.
whichwayisup Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Mino, he has nothing to give to you right now because he needs to fix himself. Look at that as a positive. Why be around him, start your life with him, if he can't give you 100%? He's doing you a favour, even if you don't look at it that way. Will it work out? I don't know, maybe it will, maybe it won't..BUT, if you love him and you've gone this far - You can wait abit longer, it won't kill you.
GreenEyedLady Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Mino: Do what you need to do and take care of yourself. (((HUGS)))
Author Mino Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 Thanks guys, it is not easy though. He is not even calling to see how I am doing. This hurts like hell. I know he is trying, he is back in therapy as well. But I just dont get the withdrawel part. He is sits on the couch staring at the tV. No talking about what he is feeling .
whichwayisup Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 He can't put you first because he is focussing on himself and his pain. Most men tend to hibernate and disappear, lick their wounds in private. You can't expect him to open up and talk about what he is feeling inside. It isn't about you, so don't make it about you. This is why he's alone right now, because he can't deal with you, your feelings, and all tha comes along with that. I don't mean that meanly, it's just a factor here in his mind and the situation itself. Atleast he's in therapy, so that's a good start.
wildsoul Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 Hang in, but don't hang on. Focus on your other friends and things that interest you. Give him the healing space he needs. If you can plan some casual fun with him, that does NOT include talking about his divorce/feelings, he'll probably perk up. Betcha he could use a break from the grieving now & again. My guy hasn't hit his grief yet. He got his apartment almost a month ago. Last weekend he spent a day with his W and her family (W's bday) and the family doesn't all know that he moved out. The few that do know are tugging on him emotionally, trying to get him to change his mind. He called to see if I wanted to go to dinner/movie that night, and I could tell the day had weighed on him. But instead of probing his emotions, I left it up to him to talk if he wanted to. I kept my mood upbeat. He seemed to welcome that I didn't get heavy. Later, he said that the guilt was starting to weigh on him, but told me not to worry, he's not going to change his mind. By not pushing him, I got the check-in that I needed, and he got the support he needed. (BTW, I deliberately chose a comedy that night too. We saw Burn After Reading and laughed our heads off.) I'm not suggesting you put up a false front or act happy if you're not, but I think it's smarter for you to be his light hearted girlfriend and not his shrink right now.
Author Mino Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 Mino, he has nothing to give to you right now because he needs to fix himself. Look at that as a positive. Why be around him, start your life with him, if he can't give you 100%? He's doing you a favour, even if you don't look at it that way. Will it work out? I don't know, maybe it will, maybe it won't..BUT, if you love him and you've gone this far - You can wait abit longer, it won't kill you. I know your right... He said if he cant fix himself there will be no "us" Just really hard to back off, he has been my life for over 4 years. I seem to be freakin out, and it feels like he is not even missing me... zjust sucks because this makes my heart hurt.
Author Mino Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 Mino, he has nothing to give to you right now because he needs to fix himself. Look at that as a positive. Why be around him, start your life with him, if he can't give you 100%? He's doing you a favour, even if you don't look at it that way. Will it work out? I don't know, maybe it will, maybe it won't..BUT, if you love him and you've gone this far - You can wait abit longer, it won't kill you. I know your right... He said if he cant fix himself there will be no "us" Just really hard to back off, he has been my life for over 4 years. I seem to be freakin out, and it feels like he is not even missing me... just sucks because this makes my heart hurt.
Author Mino Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 Mino: Do what you need to do and take care of yourself. (((HUGS))) Thanks Gel, I needed a hug:love: tough night tonight for me....
Author Mino Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 He is grieving the life he once had, even though it was by his choice. He gave up alot to start over, so just give him time and space. You don't have to disappear out of his life, definately talk to him, be his friend - BUT do not be his therapist or sounding board during all this. If you two are going to be together, do it the right way and date, take it real slow. I dont think he is grieving the life he had, WWIUP, Its guilt. he went to ic and MC, the Mc even said the M is totally dead, But there is a child, thats why he is feeling guilt. Plus the failure... it almost seems like he is now punishing himself, I think if it were me, and maybe woman are different, I would want him around even more, to feel love, to not feel alone, He is doing the opposite, and building a wall around himself.
whichwayisup Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 But it was still his life, before he was with you. And that includes the living under one roof with his son 24/7. He IS grieving that loss. Maybe not the marriage itself, but a family unit as one, breaking up into two households now. I understand that, but you're not him. Most men DO build walls up around them when they're hurting, it's just how they handle it. It's a protection thing so they won't feel anymore added pain than necessary. I know your right... He said if he cant fix himself there will be no "us" Just really hard to back off, he has been my life for over 4 years. I seem to be freakin out, and it feels like he is not even missing me... just sucks because this makes my heart hurt. Instead of freaking out, focus on friends and family. Get out and do stuff, hobbies, keep busy. This isn't the end of the world, he isn't leaving you - He's just put it all on hold until HE is able to have you in his life fully and in everyway.
Author Mino Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 But it was still his life, before he was with you. And that includes the living under one roof with his son 24/7. He IS grieving that loss. Maybe not the marriage itself, but a family unit as one, breaking up into two households now. I understand that, but you're not him. Most men DO build walls up around them when they're hurting, it's just how they handle it. It's a protection thing so they won't feel anymore added pain than necessary. Instead of freaking out, focus on friends and family. Get out and do stuff, hobbies, keep busy. This isn't the end of the world, he isn't leaving you - He's just put it all on hold until HE is able to have you in his life fully and in everyway. WWISUP, Thank you... I know you are right, he has not run home, he is actually fixing up his place, still. Which kind of surprises me. He did not break up, he just told me he love me , yesterday. And he is in therapy... I know, I know. I thought.... and this may sound stupid, but I thought once he actually leaves and has his own place, our life could "finally start. He warned me that he would be "wierd" I didnt see this coming though, not were he would disconnect from me totally... But I guess I just have to sit back and trust in the love.... right
whichwayisup Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 Right. Focus on the other stuff - He is fixing himself. He told you yesterday he loved you. If you make more of this than there really is to it, then it's only going to make you feel worse.
NoIDidn't Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 I dont think he is grieving the life he had, WWIUP, Its guilt. he went to ic and MC, the Mc even said the M is totally dead, But there is a child, thats why he is feeling guilt. Plus the failure... it almost seems like he is now punishing himself, I think if it were me, and maybe woman are different, I would want him around even more, to feel love, to not feel alone, He is doing the opposite, and building a wall around himself. Don't make the mistake of thinking that he isn't grieving the life he is leaving. You are right that it is failure as well, but it is also an intense sadness. Men, even cheating ones, take marriage seriously and want to feel like they succeeded at it. He is likely grieving the failure of his marriage. Likely grieving the situation that a divorce will put their child in. Thing is, if he is doing this now, this is likely what he did in his marriage and helped it fail. Its best that you not be around much during this stage of his grief. He will remember some of the good times with his W, and that may prove hurtful for you to hear from him (you'll hear about some of it anyway, possibly - but not as raw as the initial feelings). He might even think about some things he could have done differently to kept it from getting to this point. He may be feeling some guilt (guilt about what, though). But he is certainly grieving. The realization that it (his M) is over is hitting him and hitting him hard.
Author Mino Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 Don't make the mistake of thinking that he isn't grieving the life he is leaving. You are right that it is failure as well, but it is also an intense sadness. Men, even cheating ones, take marriage seriously and want to feel like they succeeded at it. He is likely grieving the failure of his marriage. Likely grieving the situation that a divorce will put their child in. Thing is, if he is doing this now, this is likely what he did in his marriage and helped it fail. Its best that you not be around much during this stage of his grief. He will remember some of the good times with his W, and that may prove hurtful for you to hear from him (you'll hear about some of it anyway, possibly - but not as raw as the initial feelings). He might even think about some things he could have done differently to kept it from getting to this point. He may be feeling some guilt (guilt about what, though). But he is certainly grieving. The realization that it (his M) is over is hitting him and hitting him hard. Thank you. Comunication is why the m failed... On both of their ends, both have a habit of claming up, sweeping it all away. Failure, yes... that is a big one, manily of what family friends and neighbors think. His Child, is where the main source of guilt is from. He has had no respect for his w for almost as long as the m. So I have a hard time thinking its guilt there. I do hope he works out why the m failed, because the comunication problem needs to be fixed by him, otherwise he will make the same mistakes again. I have join the gym today, I am trying to keep myself busy, aloowing him to sort through these emotions, but its not easy, I miss him, but being around him right now is no fun either.
DealingWDrama Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 It would probably be a good idea for you to work on yourself too. There is a chance that while he may have feelings for you, once he is on his own he may realize what he has lost with his wife and child. It takes 5 years on average for people to heal from a divorce...and knowing that he has been giving another woman what he could have been giving his wife to fix his marriage may take a toll on him as well. Just a bit o' thoughts for you...
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