Settled a post-breakup conflict....but where do we stand now?

[SuaveWazoo]

Hey all,

 

A while ago I made a post describing my situation. I'll just quickly sum it up with some bullet points:

 

-Ex got together with me immediately after she broke up with her previous ex of 2.5 years.

-I was very much attracted to her. She intended it to be a casual relationship (aka, she didn't have to worry too much about it)

-We didn't have too many HUGE problems in the relationship, we sorta got on each other's nerves sometimes. She was ticked off by some of my quirky behavior, and I started to become insecure and needy because I felt like I wasn't respected.

-Essentially, she wasn't ready to take on another deep relationship, and she tells me she has commitment issues, so she felt like she couldn't go on anymore.

-She told me she cared, and she has said that she loved me. So even though she wanted it to be casual, she even said it herself that it got serious and she had a role in making it that way because she started to fall for me too. So she started to fall for me when she didn't necessarily want to be in a serious relationship.

-We broke up after 6 months, but we still both cared and tried to continue a friendship.

 

Now, I realize a lot of what I have done in the relationship that caused it to sour, and I know now to not repeat my mistakes again. It was my first relationship, so it was a learning experience for me. I definitely made it clear that I was willing to work things out with her after the breakup and to make things more accommodating for both of us. But she told me that she couldn't commit to a serious relationship right now, and that she just wants to take a break from dating.

 

I understand that, and we hung out as friends. Although I would say that at times it got breached. We still slept together a few times, still went on dates and acted like a couple, at times. I still had some intention in my heart to rekindle things with her. I realize that it made things a bit more confusing, and we both acknowledged it so we decided to just enforce friendship between us.

 

A week after that, I notice that she was distancing herself from me. Especially at a party, she asked to to do some favors for her (walk her home, and later on for me to call the campus shuttle service). I did all that out of concern for her safety and because we are friends. However, she was rude and disrespectful to me all night about it. I was angry, and talked to her the next day about it. She apologized profusely, and told me that she didn't want to lead me on and that it came off as disrespectful. That she really does appreciate all that I do for her. She even said that she felt mean in the relationship because she was irritated by what I do and she felt like I don't deserve to be criticized that way. Maybe her heart is just not in it? She tells me she has commitment issues, and that she just can't get attached to anyone. We agreed to not speak to each other for a week to get some thinking and breathing space.

 

And so far, it is Thursday. If I do talk to her again, it will be this Saturday. I am definitely gonna wait for her to contact me first. But the thing is that I really do miss her alot, and although I know that things are the way they are right now but I am still holding onto some hope that we can rekindle things between us. She has told me to date other people, and to not pine over her. But I would rather stick it out alone to heal rather than have someone there to distract me (and possibly hurt someone else, too, if I happen to fail in a new relationship because my heart is not in it).

 

What should I do now, especially if we start initiating contact again as friends? Any comments? I may have left some things out. Feel free to ask any questions if anything seems confusing. Thanks a lot everyone.

[SuaveWazoo]

Oh, and I should say that even though I was angry at her, I heard how she is sorry for what she had done and I did understand her perspective. So I forgave her and told her that we are on good terms, and that we can see eye-to-eye on this issue. We assured each other not to stress about it, and see how it goes till the upcoming Saturday and then we will discuss more about where we stand.

[BCCA]

Well, the big question is are you ok with just being friends, period? I mean, Im sure a relationship could come out of it under the right circumstances, but generally women wont take the chance youll get swooped up by someone else if theyre that concerned with keeping you around. It sounds like she wants a friend with benefits, on her terms.

 

My advice is to 1st wait and see if she calls (I know how confident you probably feel that she will, but as someone who has been in your shoes, she very well could not). If not, there is your answer. If she does, see what she has to say. If its nothing more than small talk, come right out and tell her that you have feelings for her, and that while you understand her situation, its not fair to you to concede on what you want (it really isnt, dont fall into the friend trap).

 

She told you to date other people - thats a pretty good indicator where her mind sees this going. She probably needed a sweet guy to get her over the other relationship, and you fit the bill. She might not have done it intentionally, but you have been used to some degree.

 

I think this is a bad situation for you to be in. Its a lose/lose. Either you stay her 'friend' (which will always be her friend when she wants you) or you go in a completely different direction. I would urge you to date other people and see if you can find someone who is on the same page. This girl might not want any relationship right now, but whats shes said tells me she doesnt see herself with you in the future. Im sorry, I dont mean to be a douche, Ive just been where you are too many times, and trust me, the SAME thing happens everytime.

[SuaveWazoo]

Well, I guess she doesn't see a future with me right now because she is just so burned out from serious relationships. Right now she's completely focused on school and on a study abroad trip to France that she will go on from January 2009 - June 2009. And additionally, we met from this on-campus theater group that we were both in, and now she's quite bitter about that group and trying to branch out to a new set of friends (She's trying to start a "new life" as she has said it herself). I do agree that she has attachment issues, because she barely interacts with her dorm friends from her first year at college, and as far as the theater group friends she made during her second year goes she is trying to distance herself away from them too. Surrounding herself with new friends and interacting with them as closely as she used to be with me and our mutual friends.

 

...or I may just be giving her too much credit and trying to justify her too much. Blah.