sandrawg Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 My background is a little long-you can read it here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t162337/ Short version: bf was talking to an ex and wasn't honest about it to me while we were together, then he hooked up w/her when we had a 2-month breakup. He was misleading about how things went down between the 2 of them, when we got back together, and the truth came out inadvertently. When we 1st got back together, I also found out inadvertently that the FIRST time we were together, he got this girl's phone number at a concert. He swore the girl was affiliated with the band and that this is why he got her number, but the truth came out cuz he was showing me a joke text msg she sent him that had an x-rated image in it. That seemed to contradict what he was saying. And even if it was about the band, I still thought it wasn't cool of him to get a girl's number. Needless to say, I was not pleased! When I made the above post on this site I was ready to break up with him. He was out of town for 2 wks at the time, and I was totally going to do it when he got back. Well, all he could talk about when he came back was how much he missed me and how pivotal the trip was for him (it was kind of a spiritual trip), and how he wants to start over and how important our rel'ship is, etc. He wanted another chance and promised he would do whatever it took...he offered to be an open book, to show me his phone's text msgs, his email, etc. I took him back, but I feel like I am too damaged by everything in the past. My bf has female housemates. One of them calls/texts him occasionally--when he came back from out of town, she called him after midnight on a Sat. night while we were in a bar, saying she missed him and asking where he was. He gave the phone to me, I guess as a signal to her that she needed to back off. That's all well and good, but I still feel bothered by her--recently I went to drop my boyfriend off at his house. She was outside, and he was a little flirtatious with her, like saying "hey little girl, want some candy?" and she just gave me the total cold shoulder. Last night, he was all worried about her cuz she was late getting home, and I got VERY jealous. She has a boyfriend and she knows he has a girlfriend, so what am I worried about? BF also had this girl texting him a lot-she was the booty call of one of his friends. He was ignoring her, then she said she was "worried about him" because he wasn't getting back to her after his trip. At one point, he got on the phone with her and irritatedly said "I'm with my girlfriend"! but it turned out it was his FRIEND calling, not her, cuz his friend lost HIS phone and was using hers. Also, BF started poking around on facebook looking for info about a DIFFERENT ex than the one he hooked up with. He told me about it, and even asked me if I felt comfortable with him contacting her. She is married to a former friend of his. I told him, if the email is just a catch up kind of email, like wanting to see how she and his friend are doing, that's fine. But he decided on his own not to do it. Still, he was a little secretive about it at first, telling me he set up a bogus facebook acct to "look up some friends" and that he was annoyed that "they didn't post any photos." I think his timing with this SUCKS. I am still trying to get over the crap with the previous ex; why did he have to start getting curious about this OTHER ex while I'm trying to do that? Another incident happened where we were at a club with my female friend-my female friend and I left him to dance, and he ran into this very cute former female roommate. I saw him chatting w/her the whole time until my friend and i got back. As we were all leaving, he told this former roommate to "get my number so we can hang out sometime." This set me off. I thought he wanted her number to hang out w/her alone. He swears that's not the case. I feel sick. These incidents could be totally innocent and innocuous. But because of the past history, I feel like I'm acting like a crazy, overreactionary person trying to plug holes in a dike that keep leaking. When I get over one incident, another one pops up. Everytime I try to tell him that I don't think I can get over his past dishonesty and trust him, though, he tells me he will do whatever it takes to make me happy, and how much he loves me, and begs me to stay. I don't know what to do anymore. I love him but this insecurity is killing us both.
quankanne Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 time to ditch the guy and spend some time working on that insecurity of yours. Because until then, you're only going to be making the both of you miserable.
georgejungle Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Don't reward bad behavior by staying with him. You must here this all the time but, it's no good...this won't work. It shows disrespect for him to ask if it's o.k. to contact an ex. He should just not do it, if he loved and respected you. You can't pin a medal on him, just because he asked if you felt comfortable with it. that's totally cheesy. Bottom line and I know plenty of band dudes, He wants the chicks the band attracts and he want you. He wants both. It's not fair though. Things will go bad, then he'll whine and complain and try to look sincere when doing it, but it's a load of crap. For your dude to be all flirtatious with the his House Girl, sucks. In Front Of you he said that??? Dump this dude. Unless you want to love someone who disrespects you. Don't you care about how you're treated?
Author sandrawg Posted September 25, 2008 Author Posted September 25, 2008 Hmm, he's not a band dude...or do you mean that metaphorically?? The worst thing is, we got into a big fight about the housemate last night, and I brought up his ex he hooked up with, again. I think I am just not over that crap.
soconfused01 Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 tell him that you're not over the ex that he hooked up with but you'd like to be. and right now it's really hard for you because of the distrust you feel about his roommate and his contacting exes. Tell him you value his freedom but it would really make you feel better if he wouldn't try to contact exes for a while and distance himself from his too-friendly roommate and instead focus on helping you build your confidence in the relationship again. you guy sounds like a nice one and is trying to make you feel better. i think you just need to lay it out in black and white good luck!
Author sandrawg Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 tell him that you're not over the ex that he hooked up with but you'd like to be. and right now it's really hard for you because of the distrust you feel about his roommate and his contacting exes. Tell him you value his freedom but it would really make you feel better if he wouldn't try to contact exes for a while and distance himself from his too-friendly roommate and instead focus on helping you build your confidence in the relationship again. you guy sounds like a nice one and is trying to make you feel better. i think you just need to lay it out in black and white good luck! Thanks! I think you are right. He is trying, very hard. He has been taking steps to make our relationship a priority, whereas he did not do that before. I wish I could not be so scared that he's going to drop a bomb on me and I find out he's been doing something behind my back again.
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