RobertLS Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 I've only been reading this forum since August, so not much experience here, but I HAVE learned a lot by reading the posts; in particular that my situation is not that uncommon. My original post is here if you want to read it, http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t160546/, but it's kind of long, so I'll quickly summarize: married 26 years, two older teenage kids, one's off to college, the other's about tomy wife and I didn't make marriage a priority, we grew apart, big-timeI met a woman online in a "it just happened" situation, have never met her in persontold my wife about the online emotional affairwe've been in counseling and trying to deal with things for 4 monthsMy problem is that I can't disconnect from the OW. I've tried NC and the longer that goes on, the more I miss her and can't stop thinking about her. Part of me knows that NC is the best way to move forward in my marriage, but another part of me just won't let the OW go. The OW doesn't want me to leave my marriage for her because she'd feel guilty about breaking up a family. I'd feel guilty too. So far, this is nothing new, but the next part is something I haven't seen yet on this forum, and I'd like to hear what people think about this. I was in counseling yesterday, and I told my counselor about my continuing thoughts of the OW. She said that since I've never met the OW in person, I'm holding onto a fantasy. The feelings are real, but there's no real relationship there; it's just a fantasy. I agree with this. She then said that fantasies can be very difficult to get rid of. Keeping a fantasy alive feels good, and I can perpetuate the fantasy all of my life if I want to. She said she wasn't judging me for not being able to eliminate the fantasy; she was only pointing out that, for me, this particular fantasy is proving extremely difficult. Here's the kicker. She advised me to meet the OW. I was shocked to hear this, and I repeatedly questioned her about that advice. She said that I'm in a stalemate situation right now. I'm holding on to two things that are incompatible, my wife and the OW, and I can't decide which one to let go. She said that as long as this fantasy remains a fantasy, I'll probably never be able to decide. She said that in cases like this, meeting the OW will force things to happen. One of two things will happen: either I'll find out there's no chemistry between us and the fantasy really IS a fantasy, or I'll find out that there is a real connection between us. In the first case, I'll be able to end the fantasy and move on. In the second case, I'll have to make a choice. The choice is really the same choice I'm faced with now, but at least I'll know what I'm dealing with, something more concrete than a fantasy. I went home wondering how I was going to tell this to my wife. I mean, think about it, she asks me how my appointment went and I say, "Oh, fine darling, my counselor wants me to meet the OW." Well, we eventually did talk about the appointment and I told her what the advice was. And I was shocked again, even more, when my wife said ok. She wasn't thrilled about the idea, but she said that if it would get me out of this fantasy, then go ahead. (I'm still shaking my head in disbelief, I totally didn't expect this. I expected her to be angry, hurt, upset, anything but agreeable.) My wife recalled a phrase, "if you love something, let it go; if it comes back, it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was." She's tired of me sitting on the fence wondering what to do. She either wants me committed to her, or she wants me to leave. She's pretty amazing, and I respect her a lot for putting up with me. I'm still in disbelief over all of this. Me, meeting the OW? How can this be possible? And I'm not even sure if she'd want to meet me. She's out of the country right now, and I won't have a chance to ask her for a while. Anyways, I don't know what to think about this. If I met the OW and found no chemistry, that would almost be a relief. But what if there is chemistry? Then what? Both my wife and the counselor think a meeting will turn to disappointment and the fantasy will end, and I think that's why they're suggesting a meeting. But what if they're wrong? Has anyone been in a situation like this? I've read enough posts to know that the standard piece of advice is to forget about the OW and work on my marriage. I'm not really asking about that. I'm wondering about the plusses and minuses of meeting the OW, in light of my counselor's advice and my wife's ok, as a way to end the fantasy and force me out of indecision. Thanks.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 What would have have to loose? Why would you even hesitate with you wife's blessing? Is it that you are afraid of loosing the fantasy? Limerence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Adunaphel Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Did your counselor suggest that you meet the OW alone - just the two of you? Are you supposed to tell the OW that your counselor suggested the meeting and your W would know about it?
Owl Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 And THIS is why individual counselors are the BANE of marriages. She's right...meeting the OW would resolve a lot of your conflict. It will almost certainly destroy your marriage too. But...bear in mind...she's an INDIVIDUAL counselor...not a marriage counselor. Her goal is to heal you the shortest fastest route...not the route that heals you AND your marriage. She doesn't care about your marriage, and so her advice is very likely to HARM your wife and your marriage. I know of what I speak: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/ My wife too had an online affair with someone she never met face to face. Yep, she dealt with the FANTASY of what OM might have been...not what he really was. She had the same struggle you do. The difference here is, she didn't rely on her IC to get her through this. Instead, we used MARRIAGE counseling to help us BOTH. Ditch this IC...get an MC who understands infidelity, and how to heal marriages from it. The IC you've got may help you heal...after destroying your marriage, your family, and your wife.
2sure Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Wow, my first reaction was NO WAY. But then I got it, probably just like your wife did. Your wife is competing with a fantasy, something that may or may not exist. In fact, in reality this OW can't even compete with the fantasy land version of herself. Your wife and marriage are in limbo waiting for you to decide to commit to reality or fantasy land. Which is probably more frustrating for her (and you) because the OW will always be lurking. What a waste. If you meet her, she may or may not live up to your expectations. Your wife is probably counting on that. Either way, at least she will then be dealing with a non perfect competitor for your affections. She can , and you can, then make a decision based on reality. My only concern would be that a single meeting or even a few - will only produce a "honey moon" phase - where the OW continues to seem perfect for you. After that phase is when most WS find out the grass is not greener. Meanwhile, your marriage is lost.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Why not take your wife along? That would certainly go far to crush any further 'just happened' moments.
malibustacydoll Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 My mom did the same thing. She had an emotional affair online with this guy. I discovered it and had to decide whether or not to tell my dad. It is good that you came clean with your wife. I think you need to evaluate if your marriage is something you still want. If you have been fighting for many years and have grown apart, then maybe you both need to move on. I wouldn't become any more involved or continue talking with this other woman though until you are no longer with your wife. If you want your wife though you really have to let go. My parents ended up separating and it was so for the better. I wish they would of done it sooner. They are both a lot happier now and my mom is now married to the man she met online.
whichwayisup Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 So basically, you want to go meet the OW, try her out, see if you like her IRL, and then what? If it doesn't work out and she doesn't meet your fantasy, all that you've built up about her - You'll come back home and beg your wife to take you back? Your counsellor is crazy! If you do this, you might as well divorce your wife now and set her free so she can heal and find a man who will love her and only her. Imagine if the situation was reversed! would you allow your wife to meet up with some online guy and 'see how it goes' and sit around, wait for her to decide? If you're going to leave your wife, let it be because you don't love her anymore and can't picture yourself with her anymore - Be alone and then do what you want. Don't do this ON the expense of your wife.
LadyDi Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 I think its actually a good idea. Meet, get it out of your system, and all with the W's knowledge.
Author RobertLS Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 What would have have to loose? Why would you even hesitate with you wife's blessing? Is it that you are afraid of loosing the fantasy? Good point, I never thought about the issue of losing the fantasy. I guess I'm hesitating because it seems like such an outlandish idea. In the two months that the online affair developed before I told my wife, I wanted to meet OW but she wouldn't let me, didn't want to complicate things too much. In the secrecy of the affair, there was a certain sense of excitement about it. Now that my counselor has recommended it, and my wife has agreed to it, although somewhat reluctantly, the excitement factor seems to have gone away. I'm not sure I want to meet the OW anymore. That may have been part of some reverse psychology my counselor was trying to use on me, I'm not sure. Did your counselor suggest that you meet the OW alone - just the two of you? Are you supposed to tell the OW that your counselor suggested the meeting and your W would know about it? She didn't say, although I assumed she meant alone. Actually, my wife suggested meeting all together, the three of us. That would be a little awkward, I think, but it might not be a bad idea. Any thoughts about that? Has anyone else done something like that? Whether or not I'm supposed to, I would tell the OW. I'm trying to be open and honest about things with everyone involved. The two months of the affair when it was in secret taught me that it's much better to let my wife know what she's dealing with, even if it hurts her. I have a hard time with that sometimes, but I think it's best in the long run. Owl, thank you for posting. I've read a lot of your posts to others' problems, and I respect your opinions. I never read your story until now though, sorry you had to go through that. Sounds like you've mended things pretty well though -- I wish I could get to the same point. My wife and I had been seeing a MC for about two months who helped us a lot in understanding things about our past that led to the staleness of our marriage and the ripeness for an affair. But she wasn't as helpful in getting us to move forward, so we stopped seeing her. We're about to start an 8-week seminar for troubled marriages through a local church, so we'll see if that helps. One question for you regarding a difference between your story and mine. In your case, you drew a "line in the sand" and said if your wife met the OM, you would not try to reconcile. In my case, my wife has agreed to let me visit the OW. I'm having a hard time with this because I expected her to react the way you did. I sort of want to visit the OW, and I sort of don't. I'm not sure what to do. I know your advice is not to, but again, my situation with my wife's ok is a little different. I tried to put myself in my wife's position as if the situation was reversed. I'm sure that at first I would say no way, just as you did. It's really hard to know for certain without being in that situation, but ultimately, I think I would let my wife make up her own mind and not try to force her into anything. You forced the issue with your wife, but does that always work? It seems like it could backfire in some cases. My only concern would be that a single meeting or even a few - will only produce a "honey moon" phase - where the OW continues to seem perfect for you. After that phase is when most WS find out the grass is not greener. Meanwhile, your marriage is lost. I agree with you about the possible honeymoon phase. I guess what I'm looking for in a possible meeting with the OW is the lack of chemistry or not. That can probably be determined in one meeting. If there's a honeymoon feeling, that would indicate chemistry, and then I'd have to figure out where to go from there. So basically, you want to go meet the OW, try her out, see if you like her IRL, and then what? If it doesn't work out and she doesn't meet your fantasy, all that you've built up about her - You'll come back home and beg your wife to take you back? I know, that sounds really crappy, doesn't it? I'm just searching for a way to deal with the fantasy I'm holding onto. Maybe I'm too weak of a person to just let it go. Not enough willpower, I don't know, but there's something I'm hanging on to that I can't let go of. And it's interfering with moving forward, either towards repairing my marriage or ending the marriage. I just can't seem to shake off thoughts of the OW. Your counsellor is crazy! If you do this, you might as well divorce your wife now and set her free so she can heal and find a man who will love her and only her. I agree with that. I've told my wife I think she deserves someone better than me, but she still believes in me for some reason. Because I was the one who fell into the affair, I feel inferior, like I don't deserve her. I'd be sad to lose her, but I couldn't blame her if she wanted out.
username24 Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 If you want to save your marriage, why would you even CONSIDER this idea? I'm not trying to be a jerk here, but GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS. This will NOT save your M. No contact means no contact. Concentrate on fixing your M and you will start to forget about the OW.
Mr. Lucky Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 Actually, my wife suggested meeting all together, the three of us. That would be a little awkward, I think, but it might not be a bad idea. Any thoughts about that? Has anyone else done something like that? What are you hoping that this 3-way meeting would accomplish? Because if you see as a way to wean you off the OW, why not man up and do it yourself? You'd spare you wife the hurt and mental anguish of being weighed against the OW like some kind of game show contestant and possibly save your marriage. Were you my spouse and you stepped out the door to meet your EA partner, you wouldn't be coming back... Mr. Lucky 1
whichwayisup Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 It's your life and you're gonna do what you're gonna do - BUT - You need to really sit and think about what it is you're about to do IF you choose to go meet the OW. You made a committment to your wife. You said vows. You chose HER to be your wife, through thick and thin. Right now this is a choice. You're choosing to keep the fantasy. That more or less also says you're choosing to NOT pick your wife, as of now. I hope this makes sense to you.
NewSunrise Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 Fantasies are illusions. Do you know the problem with illusions? They have no flaws. Your wife is real! Your marriage is real! Get a grip! Really!
frannie Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 Anyways, I don't know what to think about this. If I met the OW and found no chemistry, that would almost be a relief. But what if there is chemistry? Then what? Both my wife and the counselor think a meeting will turn to disappointment and the fantasy will end, and I think that's why they're suggesting a meeting. But what if they're wrong? Has anyone been in a situation like this? Yes, I have been in a situation like this (except the bit about his W knowing, that is). I met my (x)MM online. We fell very heavily for each other without having even met in person. Its not worth going into the ins and outs of why that might have been or whether it was 'fantasy' or what it was. We eventually met in real life a year later. All that did was CONFIRM all the feelings we had for each other. The chemistry was immense. Everything was just made a thousand times more clear, 'worse' if you like. More undeniable and much, much harder to walk away from. I ended up in an affair which lasted four years. At the moment, you can walk away and say it was just 'fantasy', yes. But many people say a full-blown physical and emotional affair is still 'fantasy'. In fact they will say that anything short of washing his underwear and taking out the trash is 'fantasy'. So it doesn't matter HOW physical, how in love, how intimate, how sure of your feelings you are with your OW someone, somewhere is going to say it's 'fantasy' - unless you're married to her and sharing fuel bills. Meeting her will not remove the 'fantasy', and all it might do is make you more certain that you want the OW. It will not, imho, serve any purpose other than to confuse the issue further. The off-chance that you won't have any chemistry with the OW is not a risk worth taking. Again jmho.
Adunaphel Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 I'm not sure I want to meet the OW anymore. That may have been part of some reverse psychology my counselor was trying to use on me, I'm not sure. It's a possibility - the counselor might have suggested that you meet the OW as a kind of challenge, to force you into some serious thinking and see whether you would go along with the idea or not. She didn't say, although I assumed she meant alone. Actually, my wife suggested meeting all together, the three of us. That would be a little awkward, I think, but it might not be a bad idea. Any thoughts about that? Has anyone else done something like that? I agree with the other posters who said that meeting her alone is a very bad idea - even if your wife might agree to the meeting, you will be hurting her, and putting even more strain on the marriage. A meeting that includes the three of you might be very shocking and stressful, but at least your W will know for sure what happened during it and will not be left wondering. It also might force the OW to face reality, too. She could not agree to it, and want to get out from the situation asap, in which case your fantasy would be automatically shattered.
whichwayisup Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 But what if there is chemistry? Then what? Then you have to choose between your wife and the OW. You cannot have both and honestly, if you walk out the door to give it a try with the OW - Then divorce your wife, set her free because she doesn't deserve this crap on a stick.
Author RobertLS Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 We eventually met in real life a year later. All that did was CONFIRM all the feelings we had for each other. The chemistry was immense. Everything was just made a thousand times more clear, 'worse' if you like. More undeniable and much, much harder to walk away from. I ended up in an affair which lasted four years. At the moment, you can walk away and say it was just 'fantasy', yes. But many people say a full-blown physical and emotional affair is still 'fantasy'. In fact they will say that anything short of washing his underwear and taking out the trash is 'fantasy'. So it doesn't matter HOW physical, how in love, how intimate, how sure of your feelings you are with your OW someone, somewhere is going to say it's 'fantasy' - unless you're married to her and sharing fuel bills. Meeting her will not remove the 'fantasy', and all it might do is make you more certain that you want the OW. It will not, imho, serve any purpose other than to confuse the issue further. The off-chance that you won't have any chemistry with the OW is not a risk worth taking. Again jmho. Frannie, thank you, this is exactly what I was looking for -- someone with experience in this situation. I agree with you; I think meeting the OW would simply intensify the feelings I already have. I don't need to meet her to know this. And thank you for your elaboration of affairs and fantasies. I believe you. Right now this is a choice. You're choosing to keep the fantasy. That more or less also says you're choosing to NOT pick your wife, as of now. I hope this makes sense to you. Whichwayisup, your username is exactly how I feel -- which way is up? I don't feel like I'm "choosing" to keep the fantasy. Have you ever had a catchy song play over and over in your mind, and you just can't get rid of it? And the harder you try to get the song out of your mind, the more implanted it becomes? That's how it is for me with thoughts of the OW. I don't have a mind "like a steel trap" as other posters on this forum seem to have. My counselor recognizes this, and she's trying to help me work through the problem. The reason she came up with the idea of having me meet the OW was she tried to put herself in my wife's position. Given that I'm having a really hard time getting the OW off my mind, she said "if I was your wife, I'd pack you on a plane and send you out to meet the OW." (I can see it coming now, ... I wonder how many replies I'm going to get about where other people would like to pack me and send me.) But as I replied above to Frannie, I don't think I need to meet the OW to confirm or deny anything. I already have all I need to know. Thanks for your thoughts.
Owl Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 One question for you regarding a difference between your story and mine. In your case, you drew a "line in the sand" and said if your wife met the OM, you would not try to reconcile. In my case, my wife has agreed to let me visit the OW. I'm having a hard time with this because I expected her to react the way you did. I sort of want to visit the OW, and I sort of don't. I'm not sure what to do. I know your advice is not to, but again, my situation with my wife's ok is a little different. Something to think about... I'd bet money your wife is SAYING she'd be ok with you meeting with OW...but absolutely is NOT ok with it in her heart. I wouldn't have been. But if I thought it might have helped to save the marriage...and actually bought off on that idea...I'd try to consider it. The reality is...it WON'T. Meeting with the OW is the WORST thing you could do. You asked about that 'chemistry'...odds are high that any 'first meeting' you would have wouldn't be nearly long enough for reality to set in...you'd remain infatuated...only more so, now that she's "real". It would take TIME for that reality to truly intrude into your fantasy of her...unless she looked like a harpy or smelled like a walrus or something. Seriously...go find a marriage counselor who actually knows how to heal a marriage from infidelity. Start calling around, ask if there are any that use the "marriagebuilders" principles. Go pick up a couple of books..."Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs/Her Needs"...both by Dr Harley. Also...if you really want to start trying to fix things... BREAK OFF ALL CONTACT WITH OW....PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now...I'm hoping that last point wasn't too subtle. :) Seriously...NO CONTACT of any kind whatsoever is the best start to recovery. And...go to MARRIAGE COUNSELING...put the individual counseling on hold until your marriage crisis passes... Your marriage counselor doesn't truly care about your marriage...they're just looking for the easiest way to fix YOU...that's not always the best way to fix you AND your marriage, which may well be possible.
Al_Bundy Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 I've only been reading this forum since August, so not much experience here, but I HAVE learned a lot by reading the posts; in particular that my situation is not that uncommon. My original post is here if you want to read it, http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t160546/, but it's kind of long, so I'll quickly summarize: married 26 years, two older teenage kids, one's off to college, the other's about tomy wife and I didn't make marriage a priority, we grew apart, big-timeI met a woman online in a "it just happened" situation, have never met her in personIt doesn't "just happen". Just happening is you walking down the street and some kid from behind you whizzes a baseball at your head. What "happened" is something you wanted. My problem is that I can't disconnect from the OW. I've tried NC and the longer that goes on, the more I miss her and can't stop thinking about her. Part of me knows that NC is the best way to move forward in my marriage, but another part of me just won't let the OW go. The OW doesn't want me to leave my marriage for her because she'd feel guilty about breaking up a family. I'd feel guilty too. ?? But its ok to go on with an affair, whatever form that may take, as long as you don't leave your family? So far, this is nothing new, but the next part is something I haven't seen yet on this forum, and I'd like to hear what people think about this. I was in counseling yesterday, and I told my counselor about my continuing thoughts of the OW. She said that since I've never met the OW in person, I'm holding onto a fantasy. The feelings are real, but there's no real relationship there; it's just a fantasy. I agree with this. She then said that fantasies can be very difficult to get rid of. Keeping a fantasy alive feels good, and I can perpetuate the fantasy all of my life if I want to. She said she wasn't judging me for not being able to eliminate the fantasy; she was only pointing out that, for me, this particular fantasy is proving extremely difficult. Here's the kicker. She advised me to meet the OW. I'd say that is the worst advice I've ever heard. Unless of course you want to end your marriage. I was shocked to hear this, and I repeatedly questioned her about that advice. She said that I'm in a stalemate situation right now. I'm holding on to two things that are incompatible, my wife and the OW, and I can't decide which one to let go. She said that as long as this fantasy remains a fantasy, I'll probably never be able to decide. She said that in cases like this, meeting the OW will force things to happen. One of two things will happen: either I'll find out there's no chemistry between us and the fantasy really IS a fantasy, or I'll find out that there is a real connection between us. In the first case, I'll be able to end the fantasy and move on. In the second case, I'll have to make a choice. The choice is really the same choice I'm faced with now, but at least I'll know what I'm dealing with, something more concrete than a fantasy. I went home wondering how I was going to tell this to my wife. I mean, think about it, she asks me how my appointment went and I say, "Oh, fine darling, my counselor wants me to meet the OW." Well, we eventually did talk about the appointment and I told her what the advice was. And I was shocked again, even more, when my wife said ok. She wasn't thrilled about the idea, but she said that if it would get me out of this fantasy, then go ahead. (I'm still shaking my head in disbelief, I totally didn't expect this. I expected her to be angry, hurt, upset, anything but agreeable.) My wife recalled a phrase, "if you love something, let it go; if it comes back, it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was." She's tired of me sitting on the fence wondering what to do. She either wants me committed to her, or she wants me to leave. She's pretty amazing, and I respect her a lot for putting up with me. Thats one amazing woman. So to give her the utmost respect, I'd say get going on this meeting, do it quickly and make a decision. This fine woman who is your wife doesn't deserve to sit and wait for you. Here is the thing, you and the counselor want to see if there is any "chemistry" between you and OW. Ok, if there isn't any, what is going to stop you from developing another relationship and then needing to see if there is chemistry in the future? I'm still in disbelief over all of this. Me too. Even though your wife was agreeable, I still say its bad advice. Me, meeting the OW? How can this be possible? And I'm not even sure if she'd want to meet me. She's out of the country right now, and I won't have a chance to ask her for a while. Great, so your slighted wife now has to wait? Boy do I feel for her. I don't know, maybe part of her is hoping you have chemistry with this other woman. Anyways, I don't know what to think about this. If I met the OW and found no chemistry, that would almost be a relief. But what if there is chemistry? Then what? Both my wife and the counselor think a meeting will turn to disappointment and the fantasy will end, and I think that's why they're suggesting a meeting. But what if they're wrong? Has anyone been in a situation like this? I've read enough posts to know that the standard piece of advice is to forget about the OW and work on my marriage. I'm not really asking about that. I'm wondering about the plusses and minuses of meeting the OW, in light of my counselor's advice and my wife's ok, as a way to end the fantasy and force me out of indecision. Thanks. Plus? I can't think of a plus other than getting something out of your system. Minus? If you have chemistry with the OW, then you have to make a decision. And as far as I'm concerned, you'd have to choose the OW because its not fair for your wife to be married to a man that wants another woman. If you don't have chemistry with the OW, thats all fine and dandy. But even though your wife gave you the OK, she'll always wonder what really went on in your meeting with her, even if she bottles it up and never talks about it. The minus is, this will scar your wife whether she shows it or not. Oh and as far as the counselor, can the mods add a duck to the list of "smileys"?
Author RobertLS Posted October 24, 2008 Author Posted October 24, 2008 It's been about a month now since I last posted on this thread, and things have changed. Many responders felt that my counselor was wrong, but it's looking more and more like she was a genius, ..... at least in my case. I'm not posting here asking for help or advice, just wanted to let others know what happened and possibly learn from my experience. I also want to thank everyone who did post here because all of your comments gave me things to think about and helped me work through this. The original issue was whether or not to visit my online OW, whom I had never met, on the advice of my counselor AND with approval from my wife. I was in disbelief over this because I had wanted to meet the OW all along but felt it would be extremely difficult, and I was having a hard time figuring out what to do. My first thoughts were, "well, why not? it's something I've wanted to do, my wife is ok with it, so why not?" I know many will disagree with what I did next, but I contacted the OW to ask her about it. I had really been struggling with what to do, and I finally decided to call her. That was two Mondays ago. We discussed the issue of meeting and decided that it would not be the right circumstances to meet -- too much baggage hanging over my head. She does not want to get in any deeper with a MM; just doesn't want the complication. I told my wife about the conversation, and she had mixed feelings. On the one hand, she was glad, but on the other, she wants me to stop thinking about the OW, and she thinks meeting her might do it. Owl, I asked her if, like you said, she might be SAYING it's ok to meet the OW on the outside, but on the inside really not wanting me to. She ideally would like me to be able to end thoughts of the OW on my own, but if I needed to meet her, then ok. She said she's not afraid of losing me to the OW because, in her words, "I'm better than her. If you go meet her, you'll see that I'm better for you than she is." Wow! How lucky am I to have such a wife. I've never seen this confident side of her before, and I respect her greatly for how she's handling this. She's very understanding, knows the mental turmoil I've been in, and has been very supportive in helping me figure things out. I think many other women would've given up by now, but she's very committed. I exchanged a few emails with the OW earlier this week, and things have cooled off between us. I think we both realize that the "connection" we felt for each other is fading. We IM'd each other yesterday, and it was very cordial, friendly, platonic, and I'm feeling that she is tired of the complications I present to her. I've been up front with my wife about all communication with the OW, and she is patiently waiting for this thing to die out. I feel that's exactly what's happening. It's funny (not haha) how the secrecy part of the affair seems to be a lot of what kept it going. Once I started communicating with my wife about the OW and my feelings, things started to fizzle. So, all this happened because my counselor suggested that I meet the OW, and I think the result is that it took the excitement out of meeting her and popped my bubble. I meet my counselor again next week, and I'm going to ask her if this was by design, or if she was taking a chance. I'm sure some people will feel that I've abused my wife by not ending contact with the OW "just like that." Go ahead and bash me if you must, but what happened, happened. Just this morning, however, my wife and I talked about how we both think things have happened for a reason. She's already admitted positive changes in herself as a result of this situation, and I see the changes. It also has stimulated us to work on our marriage. One thing that is much better now than ever before is communication. We were living isolated lives before this, but now we talk a lot about our feelings. I have discovered that I have a need for that. We still have a lot of patching up to do, and I can tell it's going to take some time and work, but things ARE improving. Thanks again to everyone on here who helped me work through this problem. It was not easy for me, and it's really great to get advice from people who care.
Owl Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 Does your wife know about your contact with OW this week? Does she know that you've IM'ed her and exchanged emails and such, beyond the "closure" discussion you had with OW two weeks ago?
JustBreathe Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 I agree with those that say this is ridiculous and you need a new marriage counselor. Better yet, get yourself an individual counselor and do some introspection. Sure, you might find out the OW is fantasy and all that, but the pain and disrespect to your wife would not be worth it. Even if your wife is agreeing to it, there's a piece of her that would be devastated if you did it. Don't be a dumass. Grow up already. Get some help for yourself. You aren't thinking straight.
signedin2008 Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 Your wife can only put up so much. The longer you go on with this communication with this OW, the higher the inner resentment your wife will build up. If the right man come along who shows your wife some effection, which she normally won't respond, don't be surprised that she does or will do in the future. She is in a great position to start her own affair when the opportunity present itself after what you've put her through.
Angel1111 Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 I would say exactly what your wife said - that if it works out for you with the OW, then you're free. If it doesn't, then maybe you have a place to start. Your wife is coming from a place of non-ego and is looking at this from a realistic point of view. If you love someone else, she doesn't want you. If you decide this person isn't what you thought she might be, then maybe love can be salvaged between you and your wife. She knows the gamble she's taking and I doubt that she has decided which way things will go - she's just willing to take the chance. By hanging onto the OW but not beign with her, then you're just riding the fence and neither moving forward or backward. And your wife sits around in animated suspense. It gets old. I think she's kind of saying "Pee or get off the pot." That's what you need to do.
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