EricaL Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 I apologize for the length. I'm trying to provide a frame of what is happening in my situation. You can definitely skip to the end Relationship began: age 17 current age: 31 Children: two girls age 10 and 8 Personality type: ENTJ Hello, my husband and I have been together for 14 years now. We were always very compatible. Shared values, counter-balancing traits were things that helped us work together. We don’t fight, we never have. We avoid it. Neither of us is abusive, we don’t smoke, do drugs, drink to excessive, have any addictions or activities which harm the family unit. It sounds and has seemed to be as perfect as a relationship can be. Except for the fact that I’m bored senseless and incredibly unhappy. A few years ago I started realizing that I was unsettled. I wasn’t at peace. I didn’t feel in control. I’ve got a pretty dominant personality and I am controlling. I thought it was just me, that I was ready to grow again. I’m also very self-aware and in-touch with who I am. I knew I needed a self-journey. I was wife. I was mother. I wasn’t me anymore. Things that had been ok, things that had been ties of connectivity, they just weren’t anymore. I thought the journey would get me back in touch with who I was and get me feeling connected to my husband again I took some time to internalize and analyze… after a year… I realized that I was not who I used to be. I realized I had very specific needs and wants, not only of myself, but from my life’s partner. I had a traumatic relationship before I was with my husband. He appealed to me because he was laid-back, unemotional, easy-going, he let me control him, boss him around and I felt safe and in control. When I was 17… that is what I needed. Someone to help me forget. Someone to make me feel safe. I have learned that those traits now… they don’t satisfy me. They don’t fulfill me. I want passion. I want romance. I want an assertive partner. I want a partner that will challenge me, debate with me, take the initiative. I am the one to take care of all finances, my husband is so disconnected from it that he asks me if we have enough money to go buy something he needs. I’ve asked for help over the years and I’ve made it clear that it frustrates me. I do all our taxes. I schedule all appointments for the children and for him. I saw in January/February of this year that my feelings were very disconnected. That I wasn’t caring like I should care. I tried to talk to him. I told him we lacked passion, romance, and that I felt like a nag and felt like I was tired all the time… but I chickened out from saying more. I told myself I should be happy with what I have. That many people have it a lot worse than me. So I convinced myself that I could accept what I had and find a way to live without my needs and wants fulfilled… unfortunately, that made everything worse. My temper was always short. We ended up ignoring each other. Being in his company irritated me and annoyed me. He and I were always gamers. Spending long hours in virtual worlds. While I became more and more unhappy and unsatisfied, I turned to a virtual world and began finding fun. Began experiencing emotions that I had been missing. I continued to avoid the issues I knew I needed to talk about. I know the importance of communication. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want to feel pain. I don’t cope well with personal emotional trauma. I try and avoid it. I did get too close to someone. Someone I started to build feelings with and for… Last week my husband finally spoke up. He said that he could see in my eyes that I didn’t love him anymore. It was the worst day of my life but I pretty much completely unloaded on him. I told him that I didn’t care if he was around. I didn’t care if he had an affair. I told him that I couldn’t be comfortable sexually with him. I told him that I needed stimulation, challenge… Well, we’ve started marriage counseling. He’s desperate to fix things and he’s 150% committed. But I’m not. I had given up. The therapist says we are in a parent/child relationship, not a partner/partner relationship. I have motherly/caretaker feelings for him. How do you get over that? How do you change the perception you have of someone while still struggling within yourself? I’m fighting my natural urges to leave. To be on my own. To find my happiness. I know I owe it to him to try and I am trying. We meet together with the counselor next week. But have any of you been in the parent/child relationship with your spouse? How did you change that?
lofi_tokyo Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Hey Erica! This probably won't mean to much to you, but your post meant everything to me. I went through a very hurtful breakup about 5 months before meeting my ex. At the time, I was not seeking out a new person to date, but I met him, and much like the 17yr old you (I was 16), I fell in love with my ex because he was happy go lucky, not complicated like the man before him, so easy going and he really did nothing with his life. We broke up just over three weeks ago, and I am still hurting but your post gives me strength because well.... As our relationship went on, there were days when I wanted to dump my ex. I realized he was easy going because he had no passion in life - he doesn't care about politics, world affairs, his future, he doesn't have a job (he live at home), he goes to a jr. college, doesn't do any extracurricular stuff. I was really uphappy dating him at times because I like being in charge of my life, things were happening all around me, and when I told him about these things he would listen, but he never had his own stories to share. He just lets life kinda slip by. I think I also had a motherly kind of relationship (although I'm only 19 now). Before his older sister moved out, she would buy him clothes, she would get him out of the house. When I came into the picture, his sister was moving out (married), and I became the one who motivated him to go things... even then it was hard. I could organize or plan an exciting day of fun things, and he would prefer just to do nothing. There were days when I wanted to dump him so badly, but I was more frightened of being alone than being in a dead-end relationship. We also are gamers - so online games became our way of interacting, as we were in a long distance relationship. But even then... I'd meet other men in that game and they'd be so much more interesting than my ex. Even though I would NEVER date these men, and I was very dedicated to my ex, I liked being online because I met people who filled the luckluster void my ex created. Its not surprising I guess that eventually, he got bored of being bored and met someone new. Hes still his lazy self, but hes left me because he found someone closeby that hes interested in. Anyways. Thank you for your post because like... it makes me greatful that things didn't work out. As painful as that is for me still. I'm happy to know I did not stay with him all my life, and miss out on meeting other more active and stimulating men. Sorry if thats a weird response to your post but honestly... it helps me, thank you.
Author EricaL Posted September 25, 2008 Author Posted September 25, 2008 Heheh, thank you for your post. I certainly appreciate hearing your experiences and thoughts. It's very easy to slip into taking care of the person you love... but there is a line.. a line when you start living their life for them in addition to your own. For so long I kept resentment away, I told myself itw as just the way he was and if he had a few weaknesses, it was ok. We all have weaknesses. The problem, of course, was that I was really friggin tired. I was tired of managing the family and all the stresses that come with the family. He was completely out of the loop. I mean, I had to dress the children and prepare them for school every single day. He wouldn't help me. Even when he knew it put me in a bad mood sometimes when I was in a rush to get everyone ready and out the door. He wants to change and he wants to work on things. I just know a lot of obstacles are within myself.
CherishG Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 I'm 23, the ex is 21 and we have a baby daughter who's 16months. He broke up with me because (his reason), he fell in love with a 17yr old co worker and that was 3wks ago. I honestly know exactly what youre feeling, but we never got married, though we were planning to later in the future. I'm literally dying, and as each day passes, it seems to get worst and worst. Our baby is barely starting to talk, and since the last time I seen my ex (a week ago, per his request to see his daughter), she's starting to say "Daddy" alot and it's eating me up inside. Sometimes I feel like a horrible mother when I'm sooo depressed about all this that I don't feel like holding her or explaining to her when she keeps asking for him. How do you do it? Please help me, becoz I'm running out of reasons to be strong. Sometimes I feel like just dying, the pain is just too much for me to handle. Especially since I'm raising her all by myself. I have no family here, they all live too far, and I've lost most of my friends because of him He doesn't help financially and I'm breaking my back to make ends meet. Dont get me wrong, I would give my life for my daughter, but at this point, I feel so helpless and alone. It hurts sooo much that he could be so selfish to start a relationship with a 17yo girl who probably doesn't know what true love is. How could he just abandon his daughter? How could he throw away everything we ever had? So thank you for posting your story. I felt so out of place on LS sometimes because I have a baby and it just doesn't seem to compare to the answers I'm looking for for strength. All I can do right now at this point is be strong enough for her. She's all I have left.
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