seiurus Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Sorry in advance for the long post... There is an important woman in my life, whom I met over three years ago, just a few months following my separation from my soon-to-be ex-wife. She had also just ended a long-term relationship at about the same time. Sparks flew pretty early, and I fell in love with her. I still feel passionate for her to this day, and I have often thought of marriage and raising children with her. Trouble is that the feeling has not been that mutual, and we have broken up a couple times as a result. The most significant break up lasted 3 months at the end of last year, during which time I accepted that it was time to move on and started meeting other women, but I never really stopped loving her. We got back together after many long conversations of what caused the break up, which basically included her feeling pressured to make a long-term commitment before she was ready. I showed that I was ready to step back and let things unfold more naturally, and we found each other again. Now, though, I am back to wanting closeness and long-term commitment, while she wants her space and things to go more gradually. It is important to her that we each retain our own sense of self, rather than becoming (co)dependant. She wants harmony: intimacy without codependence. In theory, I agree, but in practice, I seem to crave her attention, which sort of makes her pull away, I think. I have changed aspects of my life to accomodate her wishes, and these changes are good for me as a person as well, including branching out to make friends outside the relationship, taking up more hobbies, volunteering, etc. Sometimes, however, I still feel like Pepé Le Pew, and it can be embarassing and awkward. Other times, we have great times together, and it feels like a great match. Her job demands much of her time; 12-hour days are typical, while 8-hour days are rare. She also tends to take work home with her, but she wants to be more balanced with her free time, and she is successful at times. I am an ex-work-aholic. I still love my job, but I have learned to appreciate my time outside work, as this work-aholism helped precipitate my divorce. We have tried living together a couple of times without success, so we now have our own places and are living a fairly platonic yet caring relationship at the moment. Possibly not surprising, we appreciate each other more when we live separately. I am just wondering whether there is anything else I can do to make the situation more comfortable or more clear. Any advice is appreciated!
Geishawhelk Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Part of it may be that actually, you feel insecure, and need reassurance. it's not so much a long-term commitment you need (although I can see why you'd want it) but just a guarantee that this time, it's for good..... If you take a handful of half-set jelly, and squeeze it, you won't hold onto it. It will squidge out of your fingers and go all over the place and make an almighty mess into the bargain. If you take a handful of half-set jelly, and cradle it gently in the palm of your hand - just be firm and steady - it will stay there as long as you want it to. That's how you handle this relationship.
Author seiurus Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 Thanks for sharing your insights, Geishawhelk. I think this is a good analogy, and I will try to keep this in mind whenever I feel like clasping my hand. You're right, insecurities are a big part of my frustrations. I would like to gain the level of security where I can balance the gelatinous substance without smooshing it. It is often difficult for me, though, to see the path to get there -- I'm a guy, I need concrete steps sometimes! Any books to recommend? Reading about relationships, intimacy, and independence seem to help. I'm also curious how you distinguish between a long-term commitment and a guarantee that this time it's for good.
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