Author SmartWoman321 Posted September 25, 2008 Author Posted September 25, 2008 I am sorry but I do not buy that. You loved him "enough" to marry him? You have used such a qualifier several times before. Perhaps you could rephrase that to say you had doubts about the marriage from the start and you now feel guilty that you did not act on those doubts at the time? **** nope. No rephrasing. This was an issue that my IC and I covered for weeks and I am very confident about this, I do not doubt it anymore. I loved him and wanted to marry him. Period. I had some doubts that I kept to myself- so did most of my married freinds (I asked quite a few people and all confessed they had some degree of worry, no matter how small)! I am glad I did not act on those doubts, as I have three beautiful children and I had a good marriage for some years- good enough to be relatively happy. Anyway- this is not an issue of concern for me.
Author SmartWoman321 Posted September 25, 2008 Author Posted September 25, 2008 Well in that case why are you going through with the divorce? I am confused- I think the question was about what purpose I thought that seeing the theripist together tonight would serve. My answer was that I really don't know.
n9688m Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 I am confused- I think the question was about what purpose I thought that seeing the theripist together tonight would serve. My answer was that I really don't know. I meant are you convinced that 5 years from now when it is all behind you, are you convinced that you and your family will be happier that you went through with the divorce?
Author SmartWoman321 Posted September 25, 2008 Author Posted September 25, 2008 I meant are you convinced that 5 years from now when it is all behind you, are you convinced that you and your family will be happier that you went through with the divorce? OOOHHHH!!! Yes...absolutely. I don;'t want my kids continuing to grow up thinking that this is a "normal" marriage. They have not seen how a married couple SHOULD be- you know, laughing, touching, doing things together, paying attention to each other, loving each other, having things in common, expressing affection, complimenting--all that. They think its normal for a married couple NOT to do that- because thats what they have seen for the past 10 years(but no fighting- we did not fight). Yikes! Hopefully, either the stbx or I will find someone new and one or both of us can then model what it is SUPPOSED to be like! And actually, had I done this 5 years ago, I am sure I would think today that it was the right thing. I should have done it 5 years ago--- but the kids were too young, had to stay together for them.
n9688m Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Yes...absolutely. I don't want my kids continuing to grow up thinking that this is a "normal" marriage. Well that wasn't the question - the question was whether you and your family will be happier in 5 years. But as long as you brought up the rationalization that you want to set an example for your kids, do you in fact wish to set the example that a spouse should act in her own self interest or that a spouse should act in the interest of the family? How will divorce be setting a "normal" example? Sure I can see you do not want your kids to see a marriage where there is violence, abuse, drugs, alcohol, or neglect involved. But come on - you have described that this is a marriage where he still loves you, you clearly admire him greatly, you have never fought, you are functional as a family, and you have great respect for each other. That's a bad example to set????? There may well be valid reasons for your marriage - most notably your lack of passion and your original error in marrying him - but it does not sound to me for a moment as if you are doing this for your kids. Saying this is for the kids seems like a substantial defense mechanism to me.
Trimmer Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Well that wasn't the question - the question was whether you and your family will be happier in 5 years. But as long as you brought up the rationalization that you want to set an example for your kids... So you insist she answer as to the impact on her family, and then when she explains her analysis of the impact it will have on her family, you take her apart for rationalization? There may well be valid reasons for your marriage - most notably your lack of passion and your original error in marrying him - but it does not sound to me for a moment as if you are doing this for your kids. Saying this is for the kids seems like a substantial defense mechanism to me. She's been pretty clear that her reasons are based around her satisfaction (or not) in the marriage. You pushed her to account for the impact on her family and she did so. She hasn't shied away from her primary reason being her own lack of satisfaction with the marriage, but you can't very well ask "well, how will this affect your family" and then when she answers, say "AH HA! See? I caught you... you're using your family as rationalization!!!!"
n9688m Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 She's been pretty clear that her reasons are based around her satisfaction (or not) in the marriage Yes but it seemed today she changed that to say the divorce is for the kids. She also didn't confirm that she thinks she will be happier in 5 years - again she reframed this only in terms of her kids.
Author SmartWoman321 Posted September 25, 2008 Author Posted September 25, 2008 Yes but it seemed today she changed that to say the divorce is for the kids. She also didn't confirm that she thinks she will be happier in 5 years - again she reframed this only in terms of her kids. AAARGGGHHH!!! No- the divorce is NOT for the kids!!! LOL. The D is because I am not happy in my marriage. And yes- i confirmed that both I WILL be happier as well as my kids will be fine. sheesh!
Author SmartWoman321 Posted September 25, 2008 Author Posted September 25, 2008 Well that wasn't the question - the question was whether you and your family will be happier in 5 years. ******* I don't know- who can know that? I am not a fortune teller. No one can say what will happen in the future, right? But as long as you brought up the rationalization that you want to set an example for your kids, do you in fact wish to set the example that a spouse should act in her own self interest or that a spouse should act in the interest of the family? How will divorce be setting a "normal" example? *** not important for me to answer this, it because I think my answer was self-explainatory. Sure I can see you do not want your kids to see a marriage where there is violence, abuse, drugs, alcohol, or neglect involved. But come on - you have described that this is a marriage where he still loves you, you clearly admire him greatly, you have never fought, you are functional as a family, and you have great respect for each other. That's a bad example to set????? * you don't know the half of it. My kids need to see a LOVING marriage- not one where the mom and dad carely acknowledge each other. There may well be valid reasons for your marriage - most notably your lack of passion and your original error in marrying him - but it does not sound to me for a moment as if you are doing this for your kids. Saying this is for the kids seems like a substantial defense mechanism to me. ***LOL- ok..whatever. NOT! I don't have any lack of passion believe me! Au Contraire! I am actually the passionate one- both physically, spiritually, emotionally.....the stbx was the cold fish. And no, I am not leaving nor staying in the marriage for the kids. That is no longer a valid reason to do either. My IC taught me this. I am doing this for me. After staying in it for 10 years for HIM and THEM, I can finally do something for ME. And you know what? Its not selfish, its not crazy, its OKAY. It really is!!! :-)
n9688m Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 ***LOL- ok..whatever. NOT! I don't have any lack of passion believe me! Au Contraire! I am actually the passionate one- both physically, spiritually, emotionally.....the stbx was the cold fish. And no, I am not leaving nor staying in the marriage for the kids. That is no longer a valid reason to do either. My IC taught me this. I am doing this for me. After staying in it for 10 years for HIM and THEM, I can finally do something for ME. And you know what? Its not selfish, its not crazy, its OKAY. It really is!!! :-) OK - fair enough. Actually my apologies - your situation is so similar to mine yet so different that I just shouldn't reply as I have. I'm reading things into it that just are not fair to you.
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