Tonight-the D Therapy!

[SmartWoman321]

Ok- well , tonight is my stbx and my first "divorce counseling" meeting with a new therapist. You may have ready my other post. We have been seperated for about 9 months and we maintain a very friendly and cordial relationship, doing things to help each other out, etc. BUT- we do not talk about what is happening. We both KNOW why we are seperated and divorcing (I filed a month ago- he doesn't want a D)- because we had MC for quite a while. But we don't TALK about anything and therefor, cannot move on- cannot move forward. He avoids talking about it, perhaps as if ignoring it will make it go away, and I avoid talking about it because I hate to see him hurting/sad. AARRRGGGHHH! So I came up with the idea of the couples therapy- I know he has secret hopes that this will bring us back together- as I said once that I will search my heart and soul to make sure this is truely what I need (I have and it is) and that I don't want it to be said that I "rushed" into this. (Not that I care what anyone else thinks).

 

Last night, he mowed my lawn and before he left, we stood out by the car and I said "So, I will meet you at this place at 5:45 tomorrow night, right?" and he said "yep" and then he said "Lets make a pact- lets not do any blaming or finger pointing". I didn't know how to respend to that- another attempt on bis part to "avoid". So I just said that it is not my purpose or intention to do any blaming or accusing, that I am past that, that it is also my goal not to have or cause any more pain than possible. But that I will just share my feelings on where I am at and what my needs are.

 

He is scared to go to this, I can tell. When I see him feeling scared and sad, it really upsets me. I just have to look away.

When he is around me and acting normal and fine (although he never acts happy anymore- always sad and quiet), I am ok. But I can't bear to see him sad. AAARRRGGGHHH!

 

Anyway- I will hop back on tonight and report how the session went, if anyone is interested. This IS kind of an odd thing we are doing.

[jmargel]

Yea it's odd that you can be so cruel to a person and then continue to lead him on with this counseling. He looks at it as marriage counseling, you for some ODD reason think it's going to help you with your divorce. If you are doing this for him, you are not doing him any favors.

 

I remember when my ex-fiancee left, a week later she asked me to goto counseling with her. I got there with some sort of hope that things might come back around. The counselor asked her what the situation was and asked why I was here. Her response was 'To help him get over the hurt that I'm leaving'. I was floored, and pissed. The counselor looked at her with a look of 'WTF are you doing?'. He then told me to leave, that I was wasting my time here and I agreed. How could someone have such a BIG ego to think that she needed to get me help to get over her?

 

That is what you are doing. Honestly what do you expect out of this? Instead of this counseling you are dragging him through, why not goto counseling yourself? But I'm sure the problem doesn't lie with you, does it?

 

Let this guy go already, stop leading him on. Allow him to get on with his life. What he is going through is really just torture. Maybe you get a kick out of it, who knows but you don't toy and mess around with someone else's life like this. I believe in Karma, and this will come back to bite you hard.

 

You think you are doing a good thing here, however you are not.

[Geishawhelk]

I think it was you, I advised in the other thread, that you shouldn't be going to counselling, because you both have different agendas. You should be going to a financial adviser to help with the splitting of practical, tangible matters.

Putting him through counselling when you don't want to see him sad is a screwy way of doing things. It's going to tear him apart, because I guaran-ferkin-tee it, he'll be singing your praises and begging to find a way to reconcile, and you'll be just squirming and wishing he would just get it, and wishing the counsellor would tell him that, why can't he just deal with it, fer chrissakes??

 

CANCEL THE APPOINTMENT.

 

You're basically doing this to get someone else to get the message across for you, because it sounds nicer and easier coming from someone else, especially when they're 'qualified' to do it. It's appeasing your conscience, because his being sad is too much for you to accept as a responsibility.

go straight for a practical 'buisness' arrangement, and if he needs counselling, he'll have to get it for himself. As will you.

[JamesM]

Leave him alone, and let him get on with his life.

 

You are the one who cheated on him. You are the one who is calling this an "easy divorce." You have no emotional attachments to him...or you say.

 

If he moves on, then he can find a woman who appreciates him for the many honest and good qualities he has. Honestly, I can feel his pain, and I can feel the hope that he has within him. I am betting that he is telling some close friend that there is hope yet that you will come around.

 

Have someone else mow your lawn, and cancel the counseling.

 

Part of me wonders if you will suddenly realize a few months from now that you let go of the best thing that ever happened to you. But by that point, you will have gone through a number of passionate yet unstable relationships, and he will have settled down with a woman who admires him for the person he is.

 

Move on, and quit stringing him along.

[SmartWoman321]

Leave him alone, and let him get on with his life.

 

You are the one who cheated on him. You are the one who is calling this an "easy divorce." You have no emotional attachments to him...or you say.

 

****excuse me? I certainly did not cheat on him. And I will let HIM (and the therapist) decide if this is a good idea or not.

 

If he moves on, then he can find a woman who appreciates him for the many honest and good qualities he has. Honestly, I can feel his pain, and I can feel the hope that he has within him. I am betting that he is telling some close friend that there is hope yet that you will come around.

 

**no, unfortunately, he has no friends. He doesn't have any relationships besides his IC.

 

Have someone else mow your lawn, and cancel the counseling.

 

* nope- I willlet him decide is he doesn't want to do this, and thus far , he does. And this is still his house too and we have a cordial relationship. He WANTS to mow, its his "thing". I have offered to have someone else do it- he won't hear of it.

 

Part of me wonders if you will suddenly realize a few months from now that you let go of the best thing that ever happened to you.

 

**nope- it will never happen. Although I will always treasure the good parts, and the kids we have together, thats for sure.

 

 

 

But by that point, you will have gone through a number of passionate yet unstable relationships, and he will have settled down with a woman who admires him for the person he is.

 

***nope- no unstable (nor passionate) relationships on the horizon, I am not making that a priority.

 

Move on, and quit stringing him along.

 

***Thats what I am trying to do, hooping this mediation will help.

[SmartWoman321]

I think it was you, I advised in the other thread, that you shouldn't be going to counselling, because you both have different agendas. You should be going to a financial adviser to help with the splitting of practical, tangible matters.

Putting him through counselling when you don't want to see him sad is a screwy way of doing things. It's going to tear him apart, because I guaran-ferkin-tee it, he'll be singing your praises and begging to find a way to reconcile, and you'll be just squirming and wishing he would just get it, and wishing the counsellor would tell him that, why can't he just deal with it, fer chrissakes??

 

CANCEL THE APPOINTMENT.

 

You're basically doing this to get someone else to get the message across for you, because it sounds nicer and easier coming from someone else, especially when they're 'qualified' to do it. It's appeasing your conscience, because his being sad is too much for you to accept as a responsibility.

go straight for a practical 'buisness' arrangement, and if he needs counselling, he'll have to get it for himself. As will you.

 

******ok- at least this response was kinder than the one below this.

I am not going to cancel this appointment, but I will make it clear that I am unsure if it is a good idea or not, and I will let the therapist decide and also, the stbx. I am not going to tear him down or blame or anything like that. I want this to be a helpful thing, not a hurtful thing.

[SmartWoman321]

Yea it's odd that you can be so cruel to a person and then continue to lead him on with this counseling.

 

 

*** OMG!!! I guess I didn't explain this right! I am NOT a cruel person! On the contrary- I am trying everything possible NOT to be cruel! Geeze-

and I AM NOT leading him on! I made it clear what I wanted this for and he AGREED!

 

 

He looks at it as marriage counseling, you for some ODD reason think it's going to help you with your divorce. If you are doing this for him, you are not doing him any favors.

 

****I talked to a physchologist friend who said that sometimes divorcing couples come to therapy to resolve anything that has been unresolved, to assist in communication to help them move forward with the break up- this is only effective when the two people are uncontested and generally get along- which we DO!!!! So anyway, thats why I thought this might be helpful.

 

I remember when my ex-fiancee left, a week later she asked me to goto counseling with her. I got there with some sort of hope that things might come back around. The counselor asked her what the situation was and asked why I was here. Her response was 'To help him get over the hurt that I'm leaving'. I was floored, and pissed. The counselor looked at her with a look of 'WTF are you doing?'. He then told me to leave, that I was wasting my time here and I agreed. How could someone have such a BIG ego to think that she needed to get me help to get over her?

 

***I am not doing this to help him get over ME!!! He is in IC to do that- and besides, he is not all that into ME- he is more into the "stuff". I do not have a big ego.

 

That is what you are doing. Honestly what do you expect out of this? Instead of this counseling you are dragging him through, why not goto counseling yourself? But I'm sure the problem doesn't lie with you, does it?

 

**** I have just finished 8 months of IC- and it has been SO GREAT! I have come so far and learned so much.

 

Let this guy go already, stop leading him on. Allow him to get on with his life. What he is going through is really just torture. Maybe you get a kick out of it, who knows but you don't toy and mess around with someone else's life like this. I believe in Karma, and this will come back to bite you hard.

 

***** I am not leading him on. His parents were divorced for the last 20 years and they (before dad died) , were very good friends and hung out together, etc. At first I thought it was very strange, but then I saw how good it was- for everyone. I am praying that we can follow their example.

 

You think you are doing a good thing here, however you are not.

 

****Well, I will let the therapist decide that tonight. :-)

[JamesM]

First of all, let me apologize for what seemed to be a bit harsh. I guess I got caught up with some sympathy for your husband.

 

****excuse me? I certainly did not cheat on him. And I will let HIM (and the therapist) decide if this is a good idea or not.

 

Let me quote you from another thread. I guess it is debatable as to what constitutes cheating, but when you yourself call it an EA, then I figured that it is cheating...just in an emotional way.

 

Here is a quote from August 7th:

 

This is the best divorce ever! I had an EA a year ago, which really was the turning point in my life and made me realize how it felt to really love someone. The EA man and I remain casual friends, nothing more. No EA anymore. It was the catalyst.

 

 

This is the true example of a great divorce.

 

When I read that quote, it irked me as I have no doubt that your husband spent a lot of anguished and confused nights over what happened to his marriage.

 

As for mowing the lawn, well, of course, HE wants to do it. It gives him another opportunity to try and convince you to come back. He still has hope it seems based on what you have typed. I am not sure that this is good.

 

I know you do not think that you will ever miss him as a husband. But life has strange ways of showing us what we have done wrong or right as we have additional experiences. You may be right, but based on others who have had the same "brotherly & sisterly" marriages, there are many who realize that some additional work would have made it more passionate and much better than any subsequent relationships they had had.

 

I guess my question is...who is this counseling for...him or you or both? And if it is for both, is it a way for closure? If it is for him, what do you expect to gain? And if it is for you, what do you hope to gain?

 

Again, I can see how some things may sound harsh to you, and coming from a guy, this may be the wrong time for you to hear my opinions. But I have learned that even advice that seems harsh at the time it is given comes back as helpful sometimes in the future.

 

This is no doubt a painful time for your family and kids. While the actual feelings are being covered up, they are there and need to be dealt with. Have you considered counseling for the kids?

[SmartWoman321]

Ok people- not that I should really be swayed by anyone elses opinions- BUT

 

I just called the stbx at left a messgae on his cell asking him if he reallly wants to do this, that I am not going to this therapist with him to do "MC" but rather to learn to communicate better and have an understanding of each other and I don't know for sure if its a good idea or not and if he doesn't want to do it, to just let me know and I will cancel it.

 

So there- is everybody happy now?????

[JamesM]

 

So there- is everybody happy now?????

 

The question is...are YOU happy you did this?

 

My personal opinion is that counseling is good if it is done with the right intentions, and I think most counselors will tell you that.

 

This is no doubt a confusing time (maybe more so when you look back at it), but I think you are thinking things through better than maybe even you realize.

[Geishawhelk]

Hang on, it's not a question of our being happy. But if you post threads of this kind, you have to expect different perspectives. Not all of which might be agreeable to you.

The other factor to our advantage is that we can see the wood for the trees. we're far enough removed to be dispassionate about it.

our DISadvantage, is that we don't have the full picture, no matter how much you might explain or clarify. The emotions and discussions, the ins and outs are still an unknown.

In other words, we can only go by what we see here......

I wouls still take the bull by the horns, make the decision and go ahead anc cancel the appointment. If he asks why (or you could even volunteer this) tell him it's because you don't want him to have any hopes at all, because it's going nowhere.

By giving him the choice, you're just offloading the responsibility onto his shoulders.

The fact is, you came up with the idea of MC to try to 'let him down gently'. The way things stand at the moment, as far as he's concerned, there IS no gently.

[SmartWoman321]

Hang on, it's not a question of our being happy. But if you post threads of this kind, you have to expect different perspectives. Not all of which might be agreeable to you.

The other factor to our advantage is that we can see the wood for the trees. we're far enough removed to be dispassionate about it.

our DISadvantage, is that we don't have the full picture, no matter how much you might explain or clarify. The emotions and discussions, the ins and outs are still an unknown.

In other words, we can only go by what we see here......

I wouls still take the bull by the horns, make the decision and go ahead anc cancel the appointment. If he asks why (or you could even volunteer this) tell him it's because you don't want him to have any hopes at all, because it's going nowhere.

By giving him the choice, you're just offloading the responsibility onto his shoulders.

The fact is, you came up with the idea of MC to try to 'let him down gently'. The way things stand at the moment, as far as he's concerned, there IS no gently.

 

 

*** ok. well, I didn't just think of this as a way to let him down gently- really. You can believe me or not. I also want this to help us TALK to each other- something we haven't been able to do for 8 months. We just have been skirting around everything, actling like it isn't all happening. That bothers me. Can't anyone understand that? How can I continue to do live like that? How can he?

maybe we can, I guess. maybe we should just leave well enough alone. We get along fine, and we are friendly. I just have been thinking all along how strange it is to be acting like nothing is going on, all along. It just rubs me the wrong way. Thats all.

I am not going to cancel. I left him a message telling him if he wants to cancel, then I will cancel. Thats all I can do.

[n9688m]

I am not going to tear him down or blame or anything like that. I want this to be a helpful thing, not a hurtful thing.

 

I think you have lots of guilt over what you have done and that's why you want to go.

 

It seems to me this isn't an issue where you both just decided the marriage didn't work. The truth is you think (or hope) the grass will be greener elsewhere so you want to take a look and you feel guilty you are abandoning your marriage vows to do so.

[n9688m]

I just called the stbx at left a messgae on his cell asking him if he reallly wants to do this, that I am not going to this therapist with him to do "MC" but rather to learn to communicate better and have an understanding of each other.

 

Here's the $64M question.... do you really, honestly in your heart believe that 5 years from now when it's all long in your past, you will be glad you did this and feel your family is better off as a result?

[Ronni_W]

We just have been skirting around everything, actling like it isn't all happening. That bothers me.

SW, I think your intentions for the counseling session are good ~ no doubt about that. And you are clear in how you are hoping it will help HIM (to get to the same place/understanding where you are.) The counseling may do that, or it may not -- you've already posted that you know these are just 'maybes' and 'hopes'.

 

I get that you don't want to come across as being unkind and unsympathetic. I get that there's guilt and just generally feeling bad about your role in all of this. I had that, too.

 

I'd look at it another way, though. YOU have been skirting your issues, independent of him. I understand the 'reasons' you've used to justify how you've handled things, but it's still YOUR inaction. YOU have needed to be firm about discussing/resolving certain issues, and you haven't found the courage (or whatever) to do that. Your own lack of action has been YOU "acting like nothing is going on, all along."

 

Yes, he has been doing that, too, but it's not all on him. In a very real way, YOU have been allowing/supporting him to not have to deal with it; 'aiding and abetting' his inaction/avoidance, at the least. Not holding yourself accountable for doing what you need to do for yourself, at the worst.

 

So, and not to be unkind at all...so, one can also look at it as you wanting the therapist to "help him" do what you haven't been able to do on your own, for yourself.

 

Now, I did that, too...actually tried to seek (individual) help on how to "get him" to the place that I wanted/needed him to be...instead of realizing that I was being my own worst enemy in the situation. My perspective was all screwed-up, and I was holding HIM responsible for what was really MY own stuff with which I had to find courage and more effective ways of dealing.

 

So, that's what I'd encourage you to do...find ways that will allow you to put your needs and desires to get this all sorted out ahead of your fears about coming across as unkind and not sympathetic enough. That is an individual thing, not a thing for joint sessions.

[Trimmer]

Well, I seem to find myself taking some contrarian viewpoints this morning...

 

I don't see why this is such a bad thing. If the premise is that things are stalled and stagnant and not moving forward, as a result of both parties skirting the issue of working on getting the divorce done, and this centers around issues of not communicating, then I don't see why a little counseling would hurt.

 

Yes, calling it or presenting it as "Marriage counseling" wouldn't be a good idea, and it will be important to make sure that all the cards are on the table, but I would expect that with any decent counselor, the first order of business will be to make sure everyone understands what the agendas are. And that's the very first potential benefit to going - you both find out where the other one is, and what the other's agenda is, and work towards getting things disentangled.

 

My wife left me, and somewhat after it was essentially a done deal, we did some counseling together, mostly around issues of our kids, how to communicate with them and help them understand what had happened, etc. At times we touched on our own feelings about our spousal relationship, but our counselor was also very open and receptive to us saying "we are here for parental counseling, not for marriage counseling, and we want to draw a boundary there."

 

Bottom line, it sounds like you have a blockage in communication that is preventing you from doing the last things you need to do together as spouses (complete the divorce) before you can transition to a relationship of being strictly parents.

 

To all those commenting on how she should let him move on, etc. She has described a situation that has stagnated, and they need to transition past the spousal relationship so they can all move on into a healthy (we hope) parental relationship. Trying to open up the communications and get the divorce process finished is just that - getting things to move on, put the spousal relationship away, and move forward. She's been accused of "stringing him along." Isn't that exactly the logjam she's trying to break here? Wouldn't leaving the non-divorced status quo in place be more "stringing him along?"

 

A counselor is a tool that you can use well or badly, but I don't see how just the idea of going is inherently a negative thing. I think the key is in how honest you are in presenting your agenda, both to your STBX and in sessions together. This isn't marriage counseling - not even "couples" counseling. You don't need to give it a name - just go, be sure your agenda is clear and get things moving on, which will benefit everyone (including the kids) in the long run.

 

No, there is no "letting him down gently," but things are stuck. He will suffer pain and hurt one way or the other, and that will be his burden to bear, but things have to get moving along so they can transition into a decent parental relationship for the benefit of the kids.

[Trimmer]

SW, I think your intentions for the counseling session are good ~ no doubt about that. And you are clear in how you are hoping it will help HIM (to get to the same place/understanding where you are.) The counseling may do that, or it may not -- you've already posted that you know these are just 'maybes' and 'hopes'.

 

I get that you don't want to come across as being unkind and unsympathetic. I get that there's guilt and just generally feeling bad about your role in all of this. I had that, too.

 

I'd look at it another way, though. YOU have been skirting your issues, independent of him. I understand the 'reasons' you've used to justify how you've handled things, but it's still YOUR inaction. YOU have needed to be firm about discussing/resolving certain issues, and you haven't found the courage (or whatever) to do that. Your own lack of action has been YOU "acting like nothing is going on, all along."

 

Yes, he has been doing that, too, but it's not all on him. In a very real way, YOU have been allowing/supporting him to not have to deal with it; 'aiding and abetting' his inaction/avoidance, at the least. Not holding yourself accountable for doing what you need to do for yourself, at the worst.

 

So, and not to be unkind at all...so, one can also look at it as you wanting the therapist to "help him" do what you haven't been able to do on your own, for yourself.

 

Now, I did that, too...actually tried to seek (individual) help on how to "get him" to the place that I wanted/needed him to be...instead of realizing that I was being my own worst enemy in the situation. My perspective was all screwed-up, and I was holding HIM responsible for what was really MY own stuff with which I had to find courage and more effective ways of dealing.

 

So, that's what I'd encourage you to do...find ways that will allow you to put your needs and desires to get this all sorted out ahead of your fears about coming across as unkind and not sympathetic enough. That is an individual thing, not a thing for joint sessions.

 

I think this is a very insightful comment. You will not be able to prevent him from hurt and pain, nor should you presume to do so. He will have to deal with that one way or another. But by your unwillingness to do the difficult work (which risks bringing his pain to the surface) and your acceptance of the stalled-out status quo, you are an equal contributor to the stagnation of your divorce.

 

I still don't see a huge problem with going to a counseling session together, if you can make it about what "we" need to do to move forward, etc. No decent counselor will take on the wife's dirty work of "making him see..." If anything, a good counselor will make sure that she sees that is her (the wife's) job, or something they need to get to together. But I still think a counselor could facilitate that, provide some direction, and provide safe-haven for both of them to talk about what comes next.

[SmartWoman321]

wow trimmer. You are good.

 

Wondering what YOU do for a living- something that requires a lot of intelligence, obviously.

 

I feel like printing out your post and bringing it to the session tonight! LOL!~

[SmartWoman321]

I think you have lots of guilt over what you have done and that's why you want to go.

 

It seems to me this isn't an issue where you both just decided the marriage didn't work. The truth is you think (or hope) the grass will be greener elsewhere so you want to take a look and you feel guilty you are abandoning your marriage vows to do so.

 

 

LOL- have to smile at this one---totally way off base. Yes, I have guilt over hurting someone I care about, but I just have a problem puttin gmy own feelings and needs first- being a mom and a teacher, its not my style. But I have had some IC to help with that.

No, we both didn't decide the marriage wouldn't work- thats true. I decided it was no longer working for me because I was not in love with him and we lived seperate lives. He was ok with that- I was not. So, yes, I decided it wouldn't work. Yes, I think the grass will be greener. Not neccesarily with another relationship (although I expect it would be), but so far, being on my own- the grass- my OWN grass, just being alone IS GREENER! I am happier alone than I was in the marriage, where I was so sad and frustrated each and every day. It was torturous.

I take some responsisbilty in the dissolutionof the marriage, but I have no guilt over what naturally occured over the course of time in our marriage. My only guilt is taking action about it , when he would prefer not to, and seeing him feel bad about it. But I am learning to adjust to that guilt.

[n9688m]

My only guilt is taking action about it , when he would prefer not to, and seeing him feel bad about it.

 

That's my point - you have guilt.

 

Why is that?

 

Perhaps the guilt is not over divorcing him but over marrying him in the first place?

[SmartWoman321]

First of all, let me apologize for what seemed to be a bit harsh. I guess I got caught up with some sympathy for your husband.

 

 

 

Let me quote you from another thread. I guess it is debatable as to what constitutes cheating, but when you yourself call it an EA, then I figured that it is cheating...just in an emotional way.

 

Here is a quote from August 7th:

 

 

 

**********Ok- no, that wasn't an emotional affair in the way most people have- it was actually the turning point in my life because it made me understand how I am SUPPOSED to feel towards another person- it served a purpose, opened my eyes and gave me the courage to take action. But no, I do not consider it an "affiair"-just an "awakening".

 

 

 

When I read that quote, it irked me as I have no doubt that your husband spent a lot of anguished and confused nights over what happened to his marriage.

 

****** No, not at all. He is perfectly aware of everything. He KNEW. he just was not capable of doing anything about it, also, not motivated- he thought I was too dependant on him to actually do anything about it.

 

As for mowing the lawn, well, of course, HE wants to do it. It gives him another opportunity to try and convince you to come back. He still has hope it seems based on what you have typed. I am not sure that this is good.

 

*********no, we went thru all of that in MC ages ago. We have different love languages. he knows that "doing" things (works of service) is not the way I understand love, so that "doing" things for me, mean nothing to me. (My language is "words of affirmation" and "physical touch") (of which he cannot do either, FYI)

 

I know you do not think that you will ever miss him as a husband. But life has strange ways of showing us what we have done wrong or right as we have additional experiences.

 

****no, I know I will miss certain things. I already do. But its not enough to make me feel that we have enough feelings towards each other to get back together. Not at all. Ofcoarse I will miss some things, don't we all?

 

 

 

You may be right, but based on others who have had the same "brotherly & sisterly" marriages, there are many who realize that some additional work would have made it more passionate and much better than any subsequent relationships they had had.

 

*I prefer to actually have romantic love towards a spouse, thank you.If I don't have it, I just can't fake it. Nor would I want to.

 

I guess my question is...who is this counseling for...him or you or both? And if it is for both, is it a way for closure? If it is for him, what do you expect to gain? And if it is for you, what do you hope to gain?

 

*****I think Trimmers post further on explains it very well....and I am not sure what it is for, but I am hoping it will help us communicate and get on with all of this, to come to an understanding about each other- because we haven't really discussed our seperation or D at all in the past 8 months- its like its not happening. I think we need a mediator to put our spousal relationship behind and move on to the positive parenting one.

 

Again, I can see how some things may sound harsh to you, and coming from a guy, this may be the wrong time for you to hear my opinions. But I have learned that even advice that seems harsh at the time it is given comes back as helpful sometimes in the future.

 

***** I realize that the only reason these posts may sound harsh is because no one knows the whole picture, and no one knows me. A friend told me that.

 

This is no doubt a painful time for your family and kids. While the actual feelings are being covered up, they are there and need to be dealt with. Have you considered counseling for the kids?

 

**********The kids are doing really great. We took them to counseling for 2 sessions when stbx first moved out, but the T said they didn't have to come back because they all were doing fine. They continue to do fine. They see their dad almost every day, the ones who live with me are having more fun than ever because big brother who moved out with dad, doesn't pick on them any more (he is nicer to them now when he sees them)....actually, its amazing how much better things are in the house sinse the split.

[SmartWoman321]

That's my point - you have guilt.

 

Why is that?

 

Perhaps the guilt is not over divorcing him but over marrying him in the first place?

 

 

* very insightful. Yes, I covered this in my IC. No, I don't have guilt over marrying him to begin with, not any more. I was convinced at the time that I loved him enough to marry him, and I thought we would grow closer as time went on. So I did what I thought was best at the time. I have no gult over that. Unfotunetly, things didn't go as expected. Instead of growing closer, we grew apart. Bummer, huh?

[SmartWoman321]

Here's the $64M question.... do you really, honestly in your heart believe that 5 years from now when it's all long in your past, you will be glad you did this and feel your family is better off as a result?

 

I have NO idea. Again, we are going to show up thee tonight and lay it on the table to the therapist on why we are each there. If the therapist says it isn't a good idea, then we won't go anymore.

What else can I do?????

[n9688m]

I was convinced at the time that I loved him enough to marry him, and I thought we would grow closer as time went on.

 

I am sorry but I do not buy that. You loved him "enough" to marry him? You have used such a qualifier several times before.

 

Perhaps you could rephrase that to say you had doubts about the marriage from the start and you now feel guilty that you did not act on those doubts at the time?

[n9688m]

I have NO idea.

 

Well in that case why are you going through with the divorce?