plum36 Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 First of all I am not sure if this should have been posted on the Other Man or anywhere else but here goes; My ex and I were together for five years and split up in our late teens the details of which I cannot really remember being so long ago only that we had a row and never seem to have any closure and then NC for 20 years, I moved away. 3 years ago I attempted to contact him through curiousity and having spent 5 years together thought it would be lovely to see what he was up to, I have always held a torch for him but thought this would be a good way to get some closure. He didnt reply and that was that. 6 months ago I revisited the website which prompted me if I wanted to send a message to previous contacts and sent another message asking how he was doing, told him I was married and a bit of what I was doing. Surprise this time he replied, we exchanged platonic emails for a few weeks, however he did make reference to some of the good/naughty times we had together. The first time he replied to my email my stomach flipped, something it has never done with my husband. I thought this is something which only happens to a teenager. Eventually we decided to meet up and chat, at this point it was still completely platonic and we were just meeting to catch up. As soon as I saw him I fell head over heels again, at this point was not going to disclose this. We had a short lunch and exchanged stories what we were doing and he walked me back to my car. The he leaned over and asked where is kiss was for old times sake? I have to say it was the most passionate kiss I have had since before I settled down with my husband. Again as I wasnt used to this it wasnt something I really missed in my marriage as I thought this was only something new young lovers do. You guessed we arranged to meet up again a few times, spent lots of time txting and speaking to each other on the phone and eventually planned an afternoon together which progressed to physical contact, but only twice so far as we have been very careful. I wasnt coping too well at this point, not so much that I had been unfaithful to my husband but disappointed that I had been so weak as to breach my marriage vows and when I married sincerely thought it would only be a union between two people. Believe me I have had many chances to be unfaithful over the years and ran a mile and would never have been unfaithful with anybody else. My ex was ok and was very keen, although he does have a long term girlfiend, he started taking chances asking him to meet him at his place of work, I started to come to terms with the situation and spoke to my husband about ending our Marriage, not because of my ex but for myself. I also discussed with my ex that if I left my husband we could not pick up where we left off as I have a 6 year old son and I would need lots of time. My husband is deparate to repair our marriage, although I have not confessed to cheating on him, but I cannot put a spark back that I now know wasnt there in the first place, thinking that there is more to life even if it is not with my ex. However I am developing strong feelings for my ex, (actually they never disappeared, I did still make reference to him sometimes) and do maintain that I would not just resume where we left off for my own good as much as this is tempting. But he is now going colder and struggling with his own issues. He says he does have feelings for me and wants to see me and he cant understand what was missing from his current relationship to be cheating himself. His biggest issue is that he feels he is influencing my decision to leave my husband and wants to have no part in this whatsover as he would not be able to live with the guilt that he has taken a son from his father and broken my marriage. His father broke up the family unit when he was 19 by having an affair which his mothers best friend, which has left him very scarred and he cant believe he is following in is footsteps. I appreciate what he is saying as I dont think I could cope if it was the other way around. I cant believe I have got into this mess and I have allowed myself to be drawn back to him again after all these years. He says his head is in bits over this and doesnt know what to do either. But if I am really honest what I want most is for him to say is leave your husband for me because I still love you and want to be with you. On the other hand I want him to have the courage to say its over if he feels that it was a silly fling and its never going to work instead of dragging his feet hot and cold. Any advice please on how I can put the pieces together and undo this mess. Thank you
Geishawhelk Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Yes. Cut off all contact, walk away. let him sort his head out, whilst you sort yours. Agree to touch base again on the first of february or something, and until then, get your heads straight. Until then, you both need breathing space. This isn't good for anyone. You need to put your cards on the table with your respective partners, too. Cut the damage collateral as much as possible.
jmargel Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 When you leave one relationship for another, it rarely works out. Women have a tendency of doing that. If you never met or talked to your ex, would you still want to divorce your husband? I don't think you are thinking with a clear head. Your expectations of your ex are so high now, that he'll never be able to meet them. If you divorce and end up with your ex, within a year you two will be fighting hard. Only because you expect this great feeling to last forever and it won't. You are infactuated by him, this 'puppy dog love stage' is back. It won't stay though. Never end a marriage because another person is waiting. You need time away for you both. You need to think with a clear head. You also need to start communicating with your husband and tell him the truth!
Bryanp Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 How would you feel if your husband was doing to you behind your back what you are doing to him?
Owl Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 I wish I had a quarter for every time someone posted "I'm leaving my marriage, not for the other person, but for myself." I'd be freaking rich. You've got to stop and look back and be real for a moment...you ARE trying to leave for the OM. You never would have considered it...never DID consider it until after you met back up with him. You weren't unhappy before...but now, suddenly...you want someone else. This isn't hard to see...we see this same dynamic played out over and over on these forums. What you need to do at this point is some very serious thinking...because you're about to plunge your six year old son into a ****e storm. You're about to destroy his family, his father...all because you decided to drop an email to an old flame. The BEST thing you can do right now is to back off from the OM. Six months NC, at a minimum. Hey...if its true love...what difference will six months make, right? You've been infatuated with the idea of this guy for 20 years...six months shouldn't do anything at all. But it can be six months that you can use to make sure of what you're doing. Six months of REALLY seeing what's going on in your marriage. Seeing if its recoverable or not...if its something worth trying for or not. Hey, even if you don't care about what this is all doing to your husband...isn't your son worth six months to see if his family can be saved?
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