Feeling suicidal, I need someone to understand me

[Vertex]

I need help, guys.

 

I'm feeling so miserable right now. I feel so incredibly lonely. My dad died a few years ago in a car crash, and so, as a result, my family has been fragmented and damaged. I'm in college, on my senior year now, and I feel so alone. No longer do I have a family.

 

And, on that note, despite being a senior, I have so few friends because I've always invested all my energy into relationships. And those relationships always tend to be extremely unhealthy for me. For some reason I tend to get into long relationships with girls who are extremely spoiled and emotionally abusive. My confidence is shot to hell and now I'm so alone.

 

It bothers me because I know I'm a great guy. I'm funny and smart, empathetic, caring, reasonably attractive... I go to a great Ivy-League school where I am earning a nice degree, and I'm very honest and open. I don't know why I end up in relationships with such selfish, cold people at the end of the night.

 

But, now that my relationships have failed me, and I have no real stability from any family or friend base, I just feel like I have so little going for me. I'm about to graduate alone and without any goals or direction. Dating is going to be so hard. I don't even know what my career plans will be. I'm tired of feeling the need to perpetually sob. What did I do do deserve such horrible luck? I've done nothing but try to be an upstanding, courteous, honest human being. But somehow I just wind up damaged.

 

I don't know what I'm living for anymore. I'm wasting space. I've even been to counselors before and all it wound up being was a venting session. I never actually received any *help*. I feel like I'm beyond help. After a certain point, the universe is trying to send me a clear message. All this godawful luck must be a sign that I shouldn't be here. Everything has to be such a struggle. Nothing ever seems to just flow correctly... or work right. I'm sick of hearing about the success stories of others. It's like they don't even have to try, and things just fall into their laps while I struggle so hard to achieve but a fraction.

 

I've come close to killing myself three times today, and I can't take the pressure anymore. I've been sobbing constantly and it just hurts too much. I'm tired of being sad. It's been this way for eons, and people tell me that things get better. The night is always darkest just before the dawn, they say. If things are ****ty, it must be because something great will compensate. What about those who aren't worthy of a happy ending? What if some of us are just meant to suffer? I'm tired of waiting for this supposed deus ex machina of astounding happiness. It's never going to happen. I'm just going to keep losing everything I love.

 

It further upsets me because people around me always come to me for help, and not just with schoolwork-related ****. Whenever they have relationship issues, I'm the go-to guy. Supposedly I have a good understanding of how to read people and how to accurately decipher motives, situatoins, and personality traits. However, I seem to be unable to apply the same sort of logic to my own situations. My own advice that has helped others seems to be incapable of helping my own self.

 

I'm just so tired of having everything fall apart, with nothing ever going my way. None of my goals are being met. I just feel useless and worthless. Perhaps I'm not a good catch at all in the first place, and my own self-analysis is way off. Maybe I'm just a crappy human being and perhaps I am somehow missing the key details. I just don't know anymore, and I don't care. I'm just tired of feeling miserable.

[ianandris]

Don't kill yourself, bro.

 

I know that feeling. I'm not going to unload all my woes on you, you've got plenty of your own to deal with, but I get it. I've been down in that pit where you just can't possibly imagine how things will ever get better. They haven't so far, what makes anyone think that it'll change? Fact: some people have harder lives than others. You very well may have to deal with pain and disappointment for the rest of your life. I don't know. Neither do you. There's as good a chance that things will improve as there is that things will stay difficult. You just don't know.

 

I've long ago given up the idea that good or bad things happen in life based on the kind of person I am. Each day is just a coin toss. You never know what's going to happen. If each day is a coin toss, then life is just as subject to the law of averages as any other random thing. To quote from a random site online:

 

"A coin has no memory: future tosses happen without any input from past ones. How, then, does the coin "know" that the numbers should even out? Many people think that if a coin has come up heads a lot more times than tails, then tails becomes more likely. (The worldly wise think the opposite: the coin is probably biased towards heads.) But fair coins can perfectly easily produce a run of heads. I once threw 17 consecutive heads with a normal coin, an event with probability 1 in 131,072.

 

So you've got a fair coin but you have just thrown 17 heads. How does the number of tails catch up to make the proportions equal? Surely tails must now become more likely? Not so. The next toss is just as likely to produce another head as a tail, and the same goes for all subsequent tosses. In the long run, subsequent tosses should be very close to half heads, half tails. So, in 2 million additional tosses, we expect, on average, a million heads and a million tails.

 

Although 17 is very different from 0, 1,000,017 is proportionately much closer to a million: their ratio is 1.000017, very close to 1. Instead of tails catching up with heads, the future tosses swamp the first few, and the longer you keep tossing the less important that initial difference becomes"

 

Okay, if you managed to get through that, let me bring it home for you:

 

Yes, things suck right now. Yes, it hurts. It's going to because all you've known so far is loss and disappointment. But the longer you stick around, the longer you keep tossing that coin, the less important those inital painful experiences will be because each day is a 50 50 shot at something good or something bad. If the probability having 17 bad flips in a row is 1 in 130,000, imagine what the probability of having 50 bad flips in a row would be. How about 100? 200? It's practically impossible. Now, to put it in perspective: If you live to be 80, you'll have 29,000 days to live. That's 29,000 coin tosses. 29,000 chances at good days or bad days. So you've had a bad run. Even a horrible run. But that doesn't mean you should quit flipping the coin.

 

When all you know is pain, it's hard to see the possibility of anything else. But if you can just be patient, bear with it for as long as you need to, don't give up, eventually, things will get better because the probability of having such an extended streak of bad luck is just effing ridiculous.

 

You have to let go of that illusion of control, though. Sometimes, there just isn't any rhyme or reason to things.

[ianandris]

Oh, and I understand not having a family to rely on, bro. My mom passed away when I was in high school and my dad was always either working or sleeping so he just wasn't around. I can't turn to them for anything. I've had to deal with lonliness and the like entirely by myself.

 

Believe it or not, though, praying helps when you're feeling the way you're feeling. I don't know if you believe in God, but if you do, try it. Try just asking for some comfort.

[Nevermind]

Hello Vertex,

 

I've been there. I know how it feels. And I was able to move past it. So are you.

 

I just came back from a trip...I walked the camino de santiago...the way of st james. And while I was walking mile after mile, alone and with no distraction, I realised a few things. Maybe some of the insight I gathered can help you..

 

Nobody is meant to suffer. Nor are we destined for unhappy endings. We go through different stages in life and sometimes it seems that we cannot go on. But we should. Climbing a mountain is hard, but without it we'll never be able to enjoy the view and we'll never see far ahead if we always stay on the easy path.

 

Finding friends is never easy and at the same time never hard. Now that you realize that you've been focusing too much on romantic relationships, you can try to form other relationships. Friendships, fellowships. Let people enjoy your company. Enjoy yourself.

 

When people come to you for advice..they also try to bond with you. Use this. And ask them for advice in return. We're all guilty of being unobjective when it comes to our own issues. It's normal. It's human.

 

Please, Vortex, try to be good to yourself. You're not meant to by unhappy, nor to end your life now. You're meant to look back at this time in some years and smile about the life you'll lead then.

 

If you need somebody to talk to...PM me at any time.

 

NM

[ed-205]

Hi Vertex,

I can't add much to what Nevermind and ianandris have already said, except to say they're both right. You are not alone.

I used to carry a rope in the trunk of my car. I don't know why I never used it, other that to satisfy my cynical sense of curiosity over what would go wrong next in my life. Nothing happened the way I planned, nothing turned out the way I wanted it to, pretty much everything I was afraid would happen to me *did* happen to me. I don't know how I managed to get as freakin' *old* as I am, now. The past is like a dream.

The funny thing is, that as I look back, I really don't have any regrets. I did the best I could with what I had, and that's all that anyone, including God and yourself, can expect of you.

Faith helps. If you don't have any, then ask for some... heck, demand it!

Have faith in yourself, and if you don't, then know that *I* do, as do Nevermind and ianandris, and so do the others who seek your advice, otherwise we wouldn't be telling you these things.

You *are* a valuable member of the human race, and you know that because you've already said so.

Please, don't take that away from us.

 

I'm sorry I can't give you the answers you want, but I have no doubt in my mind whatsoever that you will find them if you just keep looking for them, and the best is yet to come.

 

Take care.

[nab0610]

I know how it feels too i'm in college and when i was a freshman i was the life of the party a fun loving guy and seemed like nothing could go wrong for me

 

well then i started dating this amazing girl and i felt like i was on top of the world then i got 2 drinking tickets in a month...followed by a speeding ticket 2 months later

 

2 more speeding tickets and another drinking ticket followed over the next year

 

i was still a happy person then not too long ago me and my ex break things off because she feels like her life is going in another direction this with us on the verge of getting engaged

 

i was devastated i had put my everything into this relationship and i'd given everything i'd had before up...i hadn't been to a party in over a year...only had 1 real friend that i could talk too...

 

i didn't know what to do or where to go or how to handle things...i'd never been put in this situation before i felt completely isolated from the world

 

i know dumping my grievances on you isn't going to help, but i was in a deep dark place...my suggestion to you is to find yourself a hobby, a passion, anything...i played xbox live because it allowed me to leave the world i was in and go to a happy place where things didn't matter it was all fun and games

 

theres a million things you can do...see if theres a group of people that like rock climbing, take up bartending, use facebook ask some people where are some parties at, ask another guy to go grab a drink with you and just relax and have some fun

 

just remember man its never worth it to kill yourself...your human no matter what you do your going to fail at things...but you can't fail at life as long as you live it

 

btw not everyone goes through life like nothing ever went wrong with them...and those that do are usually just hiding there deep dark secrets...

 

as far as woman go try online dating may work out better for you who knows

[Krajt]

I've suffered from depression before, no less than eight months ago, but if you are contemplating suicide, then I am afraid you will have to see your doctor and get an assessment with a mental health assessment and they'll see what best course of action to take. Take care of yourself.