Author pandagirl Posted September 25, 2008 Author Posted September 25, 2008 :lmao: That was exactly what I needed, this grey morning at work. Thank you. PG, I totally agree with what Jilly, TBF and others are saying - take it as a warning. When someone tells you who they are, it's better to believe them. I suspect he likes the idea of intriguing women with the "I'm a jerk" line - with the tantalizing unspoken prospect that he might not be a jerk with "the right woman." But it's nonsense - changing that kind of behavior requires a somewhat gradual internal awakening, not a magical external thunderclap brought on by "the right woman." I'm sure he does want a relationship - lots of commitment phobic people do, in an idealized sense. It's the reality of the responsibilities involved that drives them away, ultimately. Sounds like he's not ready to deal with that reality yet; if he were, he'd stop mechanically spouting things like "yeah, I can be a jerk" and would actually do something about it. Yeah, I agree. It's like saying "i'm a jerk" relieves him of all responsibility. If you know you are a jerk, then you do something about it, rather than not changing your behavior. He says he is looking for a serious relationship, and I think he believes by finding the right woman, he'll magically change. It's like, finding a person who can fit your needs, rather than looking at how you can change yourself to be a better person. In other words: stupid and lazy!
Jersey Shortie Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 He is excusing and justifying his behavior. However, the guys I knew that succeeded with this strategy when they were younger all tended to develop very negative views on dating and women as they grew up. They never really met girls any other way than being a jerk. As a result, they drive off nice girls now, and only still meet the same sort of women they always dated before. They're stuck on a downward spiral. I actually think this is sound advice.
Author pandagirl Posted September 25, 2008 Author Posted September 25, 2008 Guess what? I am a "nice girl." Also, the last guy who I dated who broke things off with me said: "I finally found a nice girl...I think there's something wrong with ME that I don't want you." WHY DO I ATTRACT THESE MEN?
norajane Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Guess what? I am a "nice girl." Also, the last guy who I dated who broke things off with me said: "I finally found a nice girl...I think there's something wrong with ME that I don't want you." WHY DO I ATTRACT THESE MEN? Boys. Not men, boys.
Jilly Bean Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Guess what? I am a "nice girl." Also, the last guy who I dated who broke things off with me said: "I finally found a nice girl...I think there's something wrong with ME that I don't want you." WHY DO I ATTRACT THESE MEN? There's a difference between attracting a type of man, and getting involved with a certain type. I mean, the greaser driving his low-rider truck is catcalling EVERY woman he sees out the window. Do you respond? No. Does someone? Eventually. It's not that you attract a type, it's that you need to learn to dismiss the type.
audrey_1 Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 PG, I totally agree with what Jilly, TBF and others are saying - take it as a warning. When someone tells you who they are, it's better to believe them. I'm sure he does want a relationship - lots of commitment phobic people do, in an idealized sense. It's the reality of the responsibilities involved that drives them away, ultimately. Sounds like he's not ready to deal with that reality yet; if he were, he'd stop mechanically spouting things like "yeah, I can be a jerk" and would actually do something about it. Very true. I ignored the sentiments of a guy in a recent dating experience, which would be things like: - Dating has never been a priority - A serious commitment is just not what I want in my life - I've always been this way - His friend making a joke about his commitment-phobia in front of me All because of nostalgia I attached to him, since we grew up in the same neighborhood, reunited after so many years, blah freakin' blah. It blinded me to the reality of things. I'm still not totally okay with the fact I'm one of his statistics, and that I became invested, but I'm coping. Yes, it is a more idealized sense of connection, usually lasting up until the honeymoon phase of dating is over, and then they feel like they're backed into a corner, expected to commit (whether it's true or not), and they dance on to the next honeymoon phase, endlessly repeating the cycle. In a way, it's better to know they're lacking by their own admission, so you can make the decision to get out while you're still intact, rather than finding out later and them breaking you. He says he is looking for a serious relationship, and I think he believes by finding the right woman, he'll magically change. It's like, finding a person who can fit your needs, rather than looking at how you can change yourself to be a better person. In other words: stupid and lazy! Perhaps. But that's not your concern, because he won't magically change, and since this uneasiness is taking place, you may not be that "right woman" to see his charmed transformation.
D-Jam Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 I think it's both bragging and warning. He wants to make himself out to be a bit of a bad boy...so some women will think it's a challenge to get him not to be a dick to them. Plus he wants to have the easy excuse of "I forewarned you" when he does act like a dick.
audrey_1 Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 So the moral of the story is, date someone else.
Author pandagirl Posted September 25, 2008 Author Posted September 25, 2008 Yeah, I am just going to let this guy go. I mean, he's is so great in every other way: kind, funny, smart, thoughtful. But, I am a smart girl, and I refuse to get into a less that stellar situation. I've done it too many times before.
Trialbyfire Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Yeah, I agree. It's like saying "i'm a jerk" relieves him of all responsibility. If you know you are a jerk, then you do something about it, rather than not changing your behavior. He says he is looking for a serious relationship, and I think he believes by finding the right woman, he'll magically change. It's like, finding a person who can fit your needs, rather than looking at how you can change yourself to be a better person. In other words: stupid and lazy! Why would he change if it gets him what he wants? Every woman who falls for this behaviour, just enables him. Hey serial muse, glad to cheer you up.
serial muse Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Hey serial muse, glad to cheer you up. Lord knows I needed it today, TBF! It's not that you attract a type, it's that you need to learn to dismiss the type. This should be pinned. Totally true.
Author pandagirl Posted September 25, 2008 Author Posted September 25, 2008 Yes, I tend to suffer from the "I can change him" complex. BAD NEWS.
Siciliana Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 1. He wants to get you naked and have sex with you. 2. He doesn't want a long term relationship.
lovely81 Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 I think it's better to ask why you are attracted to these men then why you attract them. It's a little more under your control (although it may not feel like it.)
Crestfallen_KH Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 It's absolutely a red flag in every way. Even if he just "turns into a dick" after a breakup, he's still telling you that a) he is not a person who is control of his emotions and b) he responds immaturely and cruelly when hurt. While I can understand such temptations (especially if he's the one who was dumped), it's still not a good sign. Men don't play games the way we women do - when a guy says something, especially something negative about himself, I believe it 100%. He knows himself better than I do, and I appreciate the warning.
Trialbyfire Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 Yes, I tend to suffer from the "I can change him" complex. BAD NEWS. Not everyone wants or needs to be considered "nice".
Author pandagirl Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 I think it's better to ask why you are attracted to these men then why you attract them. It's a little more under your control (although it may not feel like it.) Well, I guess the sad answer is maybe I don't think I deserve better. In combination of being able to ignore the bad, and focus on the good.
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