Author malibustacydoll Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 On this site I was looking for other opinions and to see how I could learn to trust him. I guess I just wanted answers. Part of me thinks I should leave him because I have a gut feeling that this issue will continue to come up in the future. The other part of me thinks that most guys I date will have an issue like this and that I should just suck it up and try to trust him. I am rather confused and I do not know what to do. I do know communication is key, and I talk to him a lot. He says he isn't doing it so I should trust him. Maybe the issue is then with me and trust. However, even if it is then maybe it still isn't good for me to be in a relationship with him. I cant decide if I am looking for a way out or a slap in the face.
sandrawg Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 Hmmm, I suggest you read my other posts before shooting your mouth off. I didn't say he is unsatisfied with his sex life, I said he might be. Learn how to read, please! God! THis is verbatim from your original post. You're right porn will dampen your sex life, but you have to find out why he is watching porn and masturbating when he has sex on tap? Now, either he is peculiar beyond belief or he isn't being satisfied in the bedroom area. Have you had a discussion with him to find out why he watches porn? Have you had a discussion and got opinions of him based on your sex life? What is his attitude towards with you when it comes to engaging in sex? He's either addicted, in which case he is more than likely addicted to masturbation, or you aren't satisfying his sexual needs and desires. Would you like to point out to me where you use the word "might"????? You're telling her that either her boyfriend is 1) addicted OR 3) DEFINITELY "not satisfied" with their sex life. THIS IS NOT TRUE, there are OTHER reasons why guys watch porn, and if she eliminates him being addicted, you're NOT saying he MIGHT be unsatisfied. You're saying he definitely IS unsatisfied!
Krajt Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 Trust is one of the most important factors in a relationship, if you don't trust your boyfriend why are you wasting your time and his time? Ultimately your issues with trust and porn will start to wear down and damage the relationship. Ultimately it is your problem and I believe your insecurity about him watching other women naked that is the fuel on the bonfire. I would dump him, but a majority of men do watch porn, fantasise about porn and like to act out the positions and scenario's they see in porn and if you can't handle this, then it is a fact that you will struggle in future relationships.
Krajt Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 THis is verbatim from your original post. You're right porn will dampen your sex life, but you have to find out why he is watching porn and masturbating when he has sex on tap? Now, either he is peculiar beyond belief or he isn't being satisfied in the bedroom area. Have you had a discussion with him to find out why he watches porn? Have you had a discussion and got opinions of him based on your sex life? What is his attitude towards with you when it comes to engaging in sex? He's either addicted, in which case he is more than likely addicted to masturbation, or you aren't satisfying his sexual needs and desires. Would you like to point out to me where you use the word "might"????? You're telling her that either her boyfriend is 1) addicted OR 3) DEFINITELY "not satisfied" with their sex life. THIS IS NOT TRUE, there are OTHER reasons why guys watch porn, and if she eliminates him being addicted, you're NOT saying he MIGHT be unsatisfied. You're saying he definitely IS unsatisfied! Fair enough, now what are you going to do about it? What do you suggest is wrong here? I'm awaiting your expertise on this subject.
Author malibustacydoll Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 I guess a lot of my issue is with the future too. I know right now if he is doing it, he is doing it not as frequently. I would say this because he is in my room 4 nights of the week. I just don't want it to come up in the future. I don't want to be the wife who puts spyware on the computer. However, that may be a good idea... hmm.. I will be moving away next fall to go to graduate school out of state. He wants to come with me. He is willing to leave his family, friends and life here because he wants to be with me. Part of me thinks this is amazing and shows he really loves me. The other part of me is afraid to let him come with because things could go bad and I would feel bad for moving him across the country. This is why I feel like I need to make a decision soon. I know you suggest leave him, but I don't want to regret leaving him for something such as porn and have the possibility of regreting it later. I feel like it is a serious decision to make and I am very torn.
Krajt Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 I guess a lot of my issue is with the future too. I know right now if he is doing it, he is doing it not as frequently. I would say this because he is in my room 4 nights of the week. I just don't want it to come up in the future. I don't want to be the wife who puts spyware on the computer. However, that may be a good idea... hmm.. I will be moving away next fall to go to graduate school out of state. He wants to come with me. He is willing to leave his family, friends and life here because he wants to be with me. Part of me thinks this is amazing and shows he really loves me. The other part of me is afraid to let him come with because things could go bad and I would feel bad for moving him across the country. This is why I feel like I need to make a decision soon. I know you suggest leave him, but I don't want to regret leaving him for something such as porn and have the possibility of regreting it later. I feel like it is a serious decision to make and I am very torn. From what you have said he does have strong feelings for you, but that's insignificant, if you cannot trust him reciprocate these feelings. Well, porn is a serious issue with you, ergo, any decision you make will based on this serious issue, ergo it is not a small decision in the slightest. The relationship won't work, because there is a lack of trust on your part and I am doubting whether or not he will stick to his side of the bargain. I reckon he'll watch porn when you aren't around.
Author malibustacydoll Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 You're making it seem like it is more of a issue with me. If that is true then I don't know how leaving him would help. Wouldn't I get this issue in future relationships, and eventually regret not being with him. I admit I have trust issues, but I feel as if I am indeed getting better with that as time goes on. Hmm
sandrawg Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 You're making it seem like it is more of a issue with me. If that is true then I don't know how leaving him would help. Wouldn't I get this issue in future relationships, and eventually regret not being with him. I admit I have trust issues, but I feel as if I am indeed getting better with that as time goes on. Hmm YOu just might have this issue in the future-men do love them some porn. Trust me, I'm 41, and that's one thing I've learned. You have said it's a dealbreaker....if it's really that big of a deal, you can find guys that don't watch it. Maybe at church or something.
Krajt Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 You're making it seem like it is more of a issue with me. If that is true then I don't know how leaving him would help. Wouldn't I get this issue in future relationships, and eventually regret not being with him. I admit I have trust issues, but I feel as if I am indeed getting better with that as time goes on. Hmm That's because it is an issue with you. You have admitted so earlier in this topic. Leaving him would be better because you'll just make his life and yours very difficult. You need to be with someone who doesn't break your dealbreakers, so to speak, he isn't this person.
Author malibustacydoll Posted September 27, 2008 Author Posted September 27, 2008 It's not like I just started dating him to where leaving would be easy. I don't know if it is something I could even handle doing at this point. I am not sure if I am strong enough to be alone and or without him right now. Your comment about leaving made me really distraught today and I thought about it quite a bit. I know he knows something is wrong but I don't know if I want to talk about it. Maybe him and I should do couples therapy or something to try to work out my trust issues. I am shocked you're all jumping to the conclusion that I should leave him.
sandrawg Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 It's not like I just started dating him to where leaving would be easy. I don't know if it is something I could even handle doing at this point. I am not sure if I am strong enough to be alone and or without him right now. Your comment about leaving made me really distraught today and I thought about it quite a bit. I know he knows something is wrong but I don't know if I want to talk about it. Maybe him and I should do couples therapy or something to try to work out my trust issues. I am shocked you're all jumping to the conclusion that I should leave him. With all due respect, you're sounding a little wishy washy here. Giving us mixed messages. One minute, you're saying porn is not that big of an issue, the next it's a dealbreaker. The people who are suggesting you leave him, are going by what you said about it being a "dealbreaker." If something is a dealbreaker, that means you have strong enough views about it to break up with someone for doing it. I was this way about certain drugs. I told my boyfriend doing coke is a dealbreaker. He still did it. So I had to keep my word. I broke up with him. You need to decide: is it a dealbreaker, or not? If you're not sure, perhaps you guys do need counseling, so that you can learn to accept his porn habit. The problem may not be that your bf is not trustworthy. The problem may lie more with you and your lack of acceptance, and your somewhat close-minded view that someone who watches porn does not deserve your trust.
ahhhchooo Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 Remember porn is great cause you can get a lot of ideas for the bedroom too.. and learn new things. Just decide if you can be attracted to him without being insecure if he still watches porn, deliver an ultimatum or not and see how it goes. This is your decision. Personally I don't watch porn when I'm with a girl (bar times where we're seperated and can't have sex, need an outlet), but the decision is based on your own feelings so just stick with it.
mental_traveller Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 Tell him if you don't get sex at least 7 times a week, you'll leave and find another guy who prefers jumping your bones to spanking his monkey.
sandrawg Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 Tell him if you don't get sex at least 7 times a week, you'll leave and find another guy who prefers jumping your bones to spanking his monkey. 7 times a week? Holy cow-do you expect the guy to take Viagra?? :laugh:
Author malibustacydoll Posted September 27, 2008 Author Posted September 27, 2008 I am honestly just very torn. Everything about our relationship is great, and porn is indeed a dealbreaker for me. My issue is my fear that he is still doing it or will in the future. I am afraid by then we will be married and leaving will be a lot harder. He says he is not right now-- which is why leaving is hard. Hmm. Speaking of him he is here so I have to leave...
Author malibustacydoll Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 Does anyone have any new advice for me? Porn is a dealbreaker, but my issue I guess really comes from trust. I have been betrayed before, and I know that should not impact my current relationship but it does. The difference is I have a lot put into my relationship and therefore a lot to lose. Any suggestions of how I can trust him not to look at porn? I trust him with just about everything else-- but not with this. I know trust shouldn't be conditional-- but I seem to make it that way.. ahh..
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