malibustacydoll Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 I have been dating my boyfriend for exactly a year and a half now. I am very candid and open about talking about things with him. Within the first few months we talked about porn and he said he watched it frequently. I didn't think much about it at first since I figured all guys did. We didn't start having sex right away either which made me keep it out of mind. About three months or so into our relationship we began to have sex. We' were both virgins prior to this, and I was his first real girlfriend. I found out about three months after this that he was still looking at porn. He wasn't just ocassionally looking at porn but he was looking at it 4-5 times a week. This blew me away because him and I were in the infancy of our sexual relationship and were having sex any where between 4-8 times a week. He could essentially have me whenever he wanted. I was always willing and never told him no. In fact, I initiated a lot of it too. It blew my mind that he could still want to go look at other women that often. It obviously made me question my own worth and had a major blow to my self esteem. The more I read about this, the more common I find that to be among many women. What hit me the most was the fact that he did it so often. I feel like if he did it every now and then when we were apart for a while then I wouldn't of cared. At first he didn't think it was a big deal, however, after many tears and arguing he promised to stop. I feel like it wasn't because he wanted to necessarily but because he wanted me to stop being angry with him. It has now been about 9 months since we had the huge blowout. I still have a lot of problems trusting him. I trust him in every other aspect. I know that porn is a dealbreaker for me. Him and I are having sex a lot less often now than we used to. I know that this is also common, but it seems to some weeks only happen 1 to 2 times, which I find very low for college students. This makes me think that he is finding other sources (not with other people) but with looking at porn. I don't know how to approach the topic or trust him if he says he is not. Him and I talk a lot about any and everything, and I do think he is the one. I do not want to end up getting married though and have it start up again. I don't want to ever get divorced or have that pain. I am afraid that he has such an addiction that I should run now. I am very torn because we're at the place in our relationship where we will be getting serious very soon and moving in together next year. I know he will propose before that. (I don't want to live with a guy unless I am engaged). Anyway, to get to my point I must apologize for the length of this and if I seem to be a bit scatterbrained. I just don't know what to do. I love him but I don't trust him. I know I need to work on trust with him, but I don't know if I can ever trust him and porn. I am wondering if it is better for me to get out now and enjoy the single life and find someone who isn't "addicted" like he is? Hmm. I would appreciate any comments regardless of your opinion. I would love to hear both sides and have some input on how it has impacted your life and your views of it. Thank you.
ElTigreBlanco Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 To begin with his watching porn is really not a knock against you, it doesn't mean you aren't satisfying him or that he is interested in other things. He could be watching porn while actively fantasizing about you. On the rare occasion that I watch porn I'm thinking about my girlfriend, imaging that we are in a similar situation to that of the people on the screen. However, if you have made it clear that the porn is a deal breaker for you then he either needs to not watch the porn or he needs to move on from you. To answer your real question whether you should move on or not, that depends on a lot of things. It sounds like you have already decided in your mind that he is "addicted" and thats the reason for the reduction in the frequency of your sex lives. What other proof do you have? Have you flat out asked him? Have you caught him? While it seems to me that 1-2 times a week for two healthy college aged people who are available to each other is a bit low there could be PLENTY of reasons for this. I think you need to ask him very frankly whats going on. I know you said that early on you initiated alot of the sex, are you still doing that? Maybe he is just as baffled as you are but doesn't know how to ask you.
Author malibustacydoll Posted September 25, 2008 Author Posted September 25, 2008 He has told me that he is addicted to porn, so that is where I get the term addicted. He may be thinking about me, but I really do not think so. The only problem I have about moving on is that he is the first guy that I would ever have a problem walking away from. Nearly every other aspect of our relationship is alright. In response to the low amount of sex, we have talked about it. I always bring up my concerns before I run online to find out more about them. I think part of it might be because we're both very busy with school, work and all of that. I have five jobs right now (I know.. I'm crazy). By the time he comes over to my room, he just stays on facebook and I do homework. We fall asleep cuddling but nothing more usually. I have had UTIs in the past, which I think makes him a little more leary about having sex so much. I have not actually caught him because we do not live together and I don't think he would ever look at it on my computer. I want to snoop on his computer, but I do not because I am not at his place much and I think that is a bad habit to start.
ElTigreBlanco Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Well ok then. If he is really addicted to porn, its a deal breaker for you, and you two want to stay together, there are groups and therapies for those kind of things. I know how nuts life can be, I basically worked 5 jobs at one point myself while going to school full time (this was actually when I started dating my girlfriend). You both really need to make time for the other person, though maybe sex isn't the priority for one or both of you. I do know that I would be extremely sexually frustrated only having sex 1 or 2 times a week, but thats me not you guys. I am still a little unclear, do you know that he is still looking at porn, or do you just strongly believe that he still is? If you just strongly believe that he is you should find out before you make any decisions. I don't think it is fair to breakup with some one for something that they aren't actually doing or for a reason that doesn't actually exist. Try peeing right after sex for the UTIs that seems to help a lot of the girls that I've been with. I hope I'm helping.
allanDR Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 I didn't read all of this - sorry - but everyone watches porn. It's normal.
Author malibustacydoll Posted September 25, 2008 Author Posted September 25, 2008 I do not know for sure that he is. I of course want to snoop but I am avoiding that. I have asked him if he is and he says he is not. However, he and I both know that it is a deal breaker so I figure if he is he would not tell him. I should trust him more but I do not. As far as peeing after sex, I am definitely doing that right after. It is the first thing I do-- we cuddle for like 2 minutes then I pee. I still seem to get them though no matter how clean or careful I am. It is very nerve wracking.
Geishawhelk Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 There are two issues here. 1: His porn addiction. (a) There is a question in my mind as to whether he really believes he IS addicted to porn, or whether he's just saying he's addicted to porn because it might make you feel better to think his looking at porn is better termed as an addiction... He might be thinking it's best to call it an addiciton, because anything for the quiet life. (B) If he does see it as an addiction, nothing anyone can say or do will stop it being an addiction. Only he can 'cure' it, and he's really got to want to cure it. And he has to really openly acknowledge it's a problem, and admit it. 2: Your own issues with it. This factor is YOUR problem. The fact that it's such a big deal, can reduce you to tears and has made you have trust issues is something you have to deal with and consider. I'm not implying you're wrong to have these feelings, but if they're going to form a barrier between you, this is something you'll have to work through.
Krajt Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 What's with hang ups about porno? I watch it a few times a week, at times depending on my mood, I can watch it a few times a day, everyday, but that's usually when I am super-horny. I know for a fact my girl has watched porn before, she admitted it to me. I'm not bothered if she does watch it, in fact I want us to watch it together, that's better. I watch it and fantasize about my girlfriend, I just picture us doing what they are doing on screen in lots of different scenario's, sometimes I do not even need porn to do that, but we all have a mental block sometimes. I think you are insecure about yourself and how good you are in bed, ergo porn has become an issue.
PandorasBox Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 I didn't read all of this - sorry - but everyone watches porn. It's normal. Typical justification.
Krajt Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Typical justification. It's porn, not a drugs smuggling operation.
Geishawhelk Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Well, in a way, if it's an issue for people, porn is like a drug.....
Krajt Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Sex is like a drug, nevermind porn for crying out loud. The poster issues with porn come down to her own insecurities and nothing more. Now, what is worrying is that he is watching porn regularly on his own when he can have and does have sex with the poster on a regular basis. Sex is on tap for him, so it could be that he does have an addiction to masturbation and porn, or he is not being fulfilled when they have sex. Now, I don't see why he can't incorporate masturbation and porn into his sex life as a way of spicing things up. Personally, if I had regular sex on tap and I was watching porn and masturbating on my own, I'd have to question whether or not I was enjoying the sex with the partner. That's the problem, not porn! Porn is an easy scapegoat for problems and imcompatiablity in the bedroom.
Geishawhelk Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 guess we're kinda on the same wavelength, Krajt.... See my post above.....
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 The slowing down of sex makes sense to me. Obligation, insecurity, and controlling behavior are turn offs. Your feelings are legit - but what we think isn't important here. It is what he thinks, and from what you posted I can see how he may think that you are controlling, insecure, and that sex has become an obligation that oftentimes is more trouble than its worth. This makes me think that he is finding other sources (not with other people) but with looking at porn. In response to the low amount of sex, we have talked about it. I always bring up my concerns before I run online to find out more about them. I think part of it might be because we're both very busy with school, work and all of that. I have five jobs right now (I know.. I'm crazy). By the time he comes over to my room, he just stays on facebook and I do homework. We fall asleep cuddling but nothing more usually. I have had UTIs in the past, which I think makes him a little more leary about having sex so much. Hmmm... school, relationship discussions, work (5 jobs!), porn problems, blow ups, UTIs. Men who are backed into this corner often look for escape. Still looking at porn? At this point, I wouldn't be worried about porn. I would be more concerned about any new female 'friends' that may have popped up in the past couple of months.
Geishawhelk Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 What time should I pick you up? I bin waitin' a half hour alredy! *tappin' foot*!
Author malibustacydoll Posted September 25, 2008 Author Posted September 25, 2008 There are two issues here. 1: His porn addiction. (a) There is a question in my mind as to whether he really believes he IS addicted to porn, or whether he's just saying he's addicted to porn because it might make you feel better to think his looking at porn is better termed as an addiction... He might be thinking it's best to call it an addiciton, because anything for the quiet life. (B) If he does see it as an addiction, nothing anyone can say or do will stop it being an addiction. Only he can 'cure' it, and he's really got to want to cure it. And he has to really openly acknowledge it's a problem, and admit it. The amount he looks/looked at it makes me think it is an addiction. However, I do agree that he may just be throwing that term out there because he doesn't want to face the fact that he has a choice.
Author malibustacydoll Posted September 25, 2008 Author Posted September 25, 2008 I haven't figured out how to quote people and make it actually work so I will just address some of the above comments. I do believe he may use the term addiction just to avoid the fact that he does have a choice. If he weren't in a sexual relationship and looked at porn so frequently, then that would make more sense to me. I know a lot of people really wonder what the issue is with porn and why it is really a big deal. With any controversial issue there are of course different sides. I know for some couples that it is not an issue and they can enjoy it together and it doesn't bother them. It's really different strokes for different folks. I am not like that at all, and it bothers me. It is a deal breaker to be. Everyone has their own likes or dislikes in a mate, and this is one that I do not want to compromise on. My main issue is how to trust that he isn't doing so. I feel like his watching of porn may be dampering our sex life and making things less enjoyable, while he constantly compares me to those in the films. He did admit this to me as far as oral sex, and how he expects it to be like it is on the films he watches. *sigh*
Krajt Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 . I know a lot of people really wonder what the issue is with porn and why it is really a big deal. With any controversial issue there are of course different sides. I know for some couples that it is not an issue and they can enjoy it together and it doesn't bother them. It's really different strokes for different folks. I am not like that at all, and it bothers me. It is a deal breaker to be. Everyone has their own likes or dislikes in a mate, and this is one that I do not want to compromise on. My main issue is how to trust that he isn't doing so. I feel like his watching of porn may be dampering our sex life and making things less enjoyable, while he constantly compares me to those in the films. He did admit this to me as far as oral sex, and how he expects it to be like it is on the films he watches. *sigh* I understand that it is a deal breaker and I was being judgemental, you are right it is different folks for different strokes (pun intended). If I may, can I ask what is it about porn that you have a problem with? Why is porn controversial in your eyes? You're right porn will dampen your sex life, but you have to find out why he is watching porn and masturbating when he has sex on tap? Now, either he is peculiar beyond belief or he isn't being satisfied in the bedroom area. Have you had a discussion with him to find out why he watches porn? Have you had a discussion and got opinions of him based on your sex life? What is his attitude towards with you when it comes to engaging in sex? He's either addicted, in which case he is more than likely addicted to masturbation, or you aren't satisfying his sexual needs and desires.
soconfused01 Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 sounds like since you are both young and inexperienced, he is jumping the gun and wanting amazing porn sex (like the case with oral you mentioned him comparing you) but not willing to explore and learn and work for that with you. My reg flag goes up with the comparing your oral to porn oral. Tell him and make sure he understands that comparing you to porn is not going to make you want to practice your skills on him. After you beat that into his head so he will never be so disrespectful of your sexual ego again, I would suggest planning a really wild evening- let your imagination run wild and trump anything that he'd ever see in a porn.
sandrawg Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 I do not know for sure that he is. I of course want to snoop but I am avoiding that. I have asked him if he is and he says he is not. However, he and I both know that it is a deal breaker so I figure if he is he would not tell him. I should trust him more but I do not. As far as peeing after sex, I am definitely doing that right after. It is the first thing I do-- we cuddle for like 2 minutes then I pee. I still seem to get them though no matter how clean or careful I am. It is very nerve wracking. Cranberry juice has a preventative effect on UTIs. I get them once in a while, too. Very annoying!
sandrawg Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 What is with all this presumptiveness??? I take issue with your post! >>You're right porn will dampen your sex life, This is not necessarily true! Some couples watch it together-it can actually ENHANCE your sex life. >>but you have to find out why he is watching porn and masturbating when he has sex on tap? Now, either he is peculiar beyond belief or he isn't being satisfied in the bedroom area. What?? Why is this "peculiar beyond belief"? Do you KNOW how many guys masturbate to porn? It's probably more common than TV-watching. Also, masturbating to porn DOES NOT mean he's not being satisfied. I know guys whose girlfriends are totally hot and they're happy as clams, but they like to supplement their sex life with porn. >>He's either addicted, in which case he is more than likely addicted to masturbation, or you aren't satisfying his sexual needs and desires. Get off your high horse and quit making this girl feel bad!!
Krajt Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 What is with all this presumptiveness??? I take issue with your post! >>You're right porn will dampen your sex life, This is not necessarily true! Some couples watch it together-it can actually ENHANCE your sex life. >>but you have to find out why he is watching porn and masturbating when he has sex on tap? Now, either he is peculiar beyond belief or he isn't being satisfied in the bedroom area. What?? Why is this "peculiar beyond belief"? Do you KNOW how many guys masturbate to porn? It's probably more common than TV-watching. Also, masturbating to porn DOES NOT mean he's not being satisfied. I know guys whose girlfriends are totally hot and they're happy as clams, but they like to supplement their sex life with porn. >>He's either addicted, in which case he is more than likely addicted to masturbation, or you aren't satisfying his sexual needs and desires. Get off your high horse and quit making this girl feel bad!! Hmmm, I suggest you read my other posts before shooting your mouth off. I didn't say he is unsatisfied with his sex life, I said he might be. Learn how to read, please! God!
Author malibustacydoll Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 My main issue here is that he says he is addicted to porn. He also claims that he has and will stop because it bothers me. (This is after much debate that he finally offered this alternative). I do not believe this though. I don't want to get married and then find out he does it frequently still or catch him. I know there could be worse things like him cheating on me-- however, for my own personal beliefs this is up there with that. It isn't as bad but the betrayl of him promising to stop would hurt me nearly as bad. I am sure many of you will disagree with that statement, but this is how I feel and I do not want that pain. Many of you suggest that he might not be satisfied with the sex life. I disagree to that in the sense that if anyone in the relationship is not satisfied with the sex life then it would be me. However, I look past that a lot because I love him so much. We talk openly a lot and he says he wouldn't change anything about our relationship. I have even asked if he would change anything about our sex life and he says "no." I often feel obligated to pursue sex with him because I believe a guy his age should want it often. I feel like if I do not then he will go find it with himself, and end up watching porn. I know it isn't a good thing for me to only want sex to avoid him watching porn but it is a concern of mine. If we haven't had sex in a few days I always wonder if he is at his apartment looking at other girls online. Again, regarding the sex life I am definitely the one who is more into trying new things and places. He likes them after I suggest them and seems quite satisfied. Despite the fact that satisfying me seems to fall by the wayside quite often. (That really isn't the issue here though.)
Krajt Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 What do you propose to do with this situation then?
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