amandac Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 My friend, let's call her Jan, came over to my house in Decemebr with her husband and in private showed me a hicky on her neck from another man. That lead to a few weeks later her coming to my office to go to lunch with me and telling me she cheated on her husband. Jan & her husband, we'll call him Alan, are really close friends of me & my husband. Our kids spend weekends at their house, their kids spends weekends with us. We go out on double dates without the kids, my husband & her husband talk occassionaly, she & I talk talk regularly. I know that 5 or 6 years ago Jan had an affair with a friend of Alan's for about 6 months and they almost divorced. I am unsure of the details but I think they split up for a while Alan dated someone then ended that and they got back together. They have been married 9 years and have 2 kids. Back in December I didn't say much to her, she seemed to just want someone to listen so I did. I told my husband about it and he was very upset but we agreed it was not our place to say anything so we didn't. She only cheated once and it was over and we didn't talk about it again. Now she is cheating again, with a different guy. It's almost like she is dating and is planning out elaborate schemes and lies to tell her husband. The time in December she was drinking at a bar with this guy and their mutual friends and things just happened. Now she has had lunch with this guy a couple times she spends hours on the phone and invited him into her home when her husband took the kids out of town to give her a weekend off and slept with him in their bed. And wants to do it again. The guy she is sleeping with is married but going through a separation but it doesn't seem like he really wants to seperate just from what she has told me from her conversations with him. I am just in a state of shock. My husband wants to tell her husband. We are actually hanging out with them Saturday night with another couple. It just seems like it's gonna be so awkward! I told one of my girl friends about it and she said that Jan may be confiding in me because she wants to get caught, everyone in my group of friends knows I can't keep a secret (I can but it's really really hard for me). I know I shouldn't interfere with their marriage but I feel awful knowing about this and continuing to hang out with this guy like everything is great. My husband and I have had discussions that go no where about what to do ... any advise is welcome!
Bryanp Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Hello, 1. If you were the husband wouldn't you wish your friends to have the decency to tell you that your spouse was cheating? What kind of friend would hide this information from them? 2. Whether you like it or not, by not saying anything to the husband you are enabling the affair to continue and giving tacit approval to your friend that what she is doing is acceptable behavior. 3. To paraphase Edmund Burke: All that is needed for evil to truimp, is for good men to do nothing.
lkjh Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 I agree she is a serial cheater and he has the right to know. Warn him before he ends up with an STD.
soda Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 The right thing to do is tell her husband. Are you fishing for someone to give you bad advice? Your female friend has put you in an awkward position. It also sounds like she wants to get caught if she's showing her frickin' hickey. Tell her husband. He would want to know, and she seems to want the same thing. Problem solved.
soda Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 What kind of friend are you? Are you a yes friend. Tell them what they want to hear and look the other way when they hurt themselves or others. Or are you the kind of friend who will tell them the truth and explain why you feel the way you do. I will be your friend, but I won't condone or help to hurt others. By not telling her husband you help her to hurt him. Well stated.
Lucky_One Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 I would give your friend the chance to tell her H first. Simply tell her that you and your H are very upset about her continued cheating, and she needs to take time this weekend to talk about her infidelity with her H, or you or your H will talk to him yourself.
In Like Flynn Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 This is actually a defining moment for you and your husband......Your husband seems ready to do the right and decent thing....but you by your post are hesitating....why??? Are you the type of person that can hang out and pretend everything is hunky dorry??? What would that say about you and your husband?? Tell the husband privately and that his slut of a wife has cheated on him the two times you know of and is actively seeking more partners. Also that she has brought at least one home and soiled the family home and probably the marital bed. Finally, why are you still friends with this person??? I am a firm believer that you can tell allot about someone by what type of people they consider friends. Cheaters seem to associate themselves with either fellow cheaters or voyeurs who are titilated by the stories and excitement of the cheaters! Your husband should be concerned about your continued friendship with her. Why do you continue to act like you are friends with the husband as well??? You really aren't....a friend would not allow any friend to be continually humiliated like this..even if you were friends with the wife first (that is usually the excuse given by enablers). Do the right thing!!!!
lkjh Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 I can understand not wanting to tell out fear for the situation. Not fear in the sense that you may get hurt but because after all she is a friend. You have to realize that sometimes the right thing to do is also the hard thing.
Geishawhelk Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 I would give your friend the chance to tell her H first. Simply tell her that you and your H are very upset about her continued cheating, and she needs to take time this weekend to talk about her infidelity with her H, or you or your H will talk to him yourself. I'm with this 100%. Be calm, be firm and just tell her frankly you're not prepared to be a mute sounding board for her to confide in. It's asking too much of you as friends to keep treating you this way. It's not fair. Give her a week. Tell her you'll know whether she's done it, because you want her to ask her husband to let you know she's told him. If you get no word back from him, then it will be up to you to do it. Hard, but I feel, necessary. How you tell him is up to you..... Don't be surprised if you lose one or both their friendships though. Sometimes, things like this come at a price. but is it the kind of 'friendship' you'd want to keep?
Owl Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 I disagree...don't give her the chance to tell. She'll do damage control to make you look like a crazy lady...it'll destroy your friendship without any benefits at all. If you and your H are HIS friend as well as hers...then tell him yourself. WITHOUT warning her first. This is very, very simple.
Al_Bundy Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 My friend, let's call her Jan, came over to my house in Decemebr with her husband and in private showed me a hicky on her neck from another man. That lead to a few weeks later her coming to my office to go to lunch with me and telling me she cheated on her husband. Jan & her husband, we'll call him Alan, are really close friends of me & my husband. Our kids spend weekends at their house, their kids spends weekends with us. We go out on double dates without the kids, my husband & her husband talk occassionaly, she & I talk talk regularly. I know that 5 or 6 years ago Jan had an affair with a friend of Alan's for about 6 months and they almost divorced. I am unsure of the details but I think they split up for a while Alan dated someone then ended that and they got back together. They have been married 9 years and have 2 kids. Back in December I didn't say much to her, she seemed to just want someone to listen so I did. I told my husband about it and he was very upset but we agreed it was not our place to say anything so we didn't. She only cheated once and it was over and we didn't talk about it again. Now she is cheating again, with a different guy. It's almost like she is dating and is planning out elaborate schemes and lies to tell her husband. The time in December she was drinking at a bar with this guy and their mutual friends and things just happened. Now she has had lunch with this guy a couple times she spends hours on the phone and invited him into her home when her husband took the kids out of town to give her a weekend off and slept with him in their bed. And wants to do it again. The guy she is sleeping with is married but going through a separation but it doesn't seem like he really wants to seperate just from what she has told me from her conversations with him. I am just in a state of shock. My husband wants to tell her husband. We are actually hanging out with them Saturday night with another couple. It just seems like it's gonna be so awkward! I told one of my girl friends about it and she said that Jan may be confiding in me because she wants to get caught, everyone in my group of friends knows I can't keep a secret (I can but it's really really hard for me). I know I shouldn't interfere with their marriage but I feel awful knowing about this and continuing to hang out with this guy like everything is great. My husband and I have had discussions that go no where about what to do ... any advise is welcome! Tell her husband. Personally, I wouldn't be associated with a "friend" like this. I like to hang out with a better class of people (yes, even Al Bundy has standards). Or just keep Alan in the dark and let her screw him over time and time again. Hope your conscious can live with it.
Al_Bundy Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 I disagree...don't give her the chance to tell. She'll do damage control to make you look like a crazy lady...it'll destroy your friendship without any benefits at all. If you and your H are HIS friend as well as hers...then tell him yourself. WITHOUT warning her first. This is very, very simple. Well said. I'd add that the OP and her husband should tell her H together. Make it a meeting. He will be less likely to think its far fetched if both of them sit him down. Especially if the H is involved since he sounds like he wants to make this right and stop the betrayal of a friend.
Author amandac Posted September 27, 2008 Author Posted September 27, 2008 Thanks for the advice. I am going to talk about it with my H again and see what we come up with. The reason I hesitate is because of a recent experience I watched with a different friend. My friend Rachel was dating a man for 4 months when she found out he was married and had been lying to her the entire time. She decided to tell the wife and end things with the guy immediately. She sent pictures and other solid proof so the wife knew that this was not a crazy tale. Long story short, this wasn't the first time the guy had cheated, the wife basically knew even though the husband was doing his best to hide it and she just wanted to ignore it, she accepted that this was something he did and she just wanted to keep pretending. Moral of that story, you never know what goes on behind closed doors. All that ended up doing was humiliating the wife who basically tore my friend a new ***hole for disrupting her little dilusional world, my friend was not only hurt but felt stupid for getting involved with their relationship, she should have just walked away. Other friends of mine that know both Rachel's story and now Jan's (through me not because they actually know her) have told me that it is not my place to tell Jan's H even though we know him. Their advice is simply to tell Jan I don't want to hear any more about it and then just pretend I don't know what I know. Although her situation upsets me, honestly I really don't know if there is a chance that her H has an idea and is just pretending not to know. I don't know if my telling Alan will really just expose something he doesn't want exposed even though he already knows on some level. I dont feel it's my place to get involved with their marriage. As you know my H agrees with the majority of posts here and wants to tell him. I do however understand the point of it my H were cheating on me and someone knew, would I want them to tell me? Honestly I think so but I think I would be more humiliated hearing it from an outside person than from my H directly, or catching H myself. I honestly think that in most situations the truth eventually comes out. If Alan ever asked me straight out I wouldn't lie to him about what I know but I think it's best coming from his wife not an outside friend. I will talk to my H about us confronting Jan, telling her she needs to come clean, she may then shed some light on what their marriage is really like or just continue what she is doing and leave me out of it.
Al_Bundy Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 Thanks for the advice. I am going to talk about it with my H again and see what we come up with. The reason I hesitate is because of a recent experience I watched with a different friend. My friend Rachel was dating a man for 4 months when she found out he was married and had been lying to her the entire time. She decided to tell the wife and end things with the guy immediately. She sent pictures and other solid proof so the wife knew that this was not a crazy tale. Long story short, this wasn't the first time the guy had cheated, the wife basically knew even though the husband was doing his best to hide it and she just wanted to ignore it, she accepted that this was something he did and she just wanted to keep pretending. Moral of that story, you never know what goes on behind closed doors. All that ended up doing was humiliating the wife who basically tore my friend a new ***hole for disrupting her little dilusional world, my friend was not only hurt but felt stupid for getting involved with their relationship, she should have just walked away. There is a big difference here. Your "friend" was the one sleeping with him. Even though he lied to her, it didn't matter, she was the one that was with him. And if she chooses to ignore his behavior, then its her problem. You and your husband aren't the ones betraying this man, his wife is. You are just informing him so he can make a decision with regards to his life. Other friends of mine that know both Rachel's story and now Jan's (through me not because they actually know her) have told me that it is not my place to tell Jan's H even though we know him. Well whose place is it to tell him if his wife and the man she is screwing won't tell? So because its nobody's "place" to tell him he therefore has to be kept in the dark about it all? Friends don't let friends be betrayed. Their advice is simply to tell Jan I don't want to hear any more about it and then just pretend I don't know what I know. Although her situation upsets me, honestly I really don't know if there is a chance that her H has an idea and is just pretending not to know. I don't know if my telling Alan will really just expose something he doesn't want exposed even though he already knows on some level. I dont feel it's my place to get involved with their marriage. As you know my H agrees with the majority of posts here and wants to tell him. Well at the very least if you are too cowardly to help him, then you should tell the cheating wife that you don't want to hear it. And I don't mean tell her, "please don't discuss your infidelities with me". I mean tell her in a stern way, "don't ever talk to me about your disgusting behavior about you @#$@@$# another man behind your husband's back ever again!!" You can at least convey to her that, while you are not up to doing the right thing by telling her husband, that you are angry with her for what she is doing and not sugar coat it. Honestly, I hope your husband takes this guy out for a beer and tells him. Thats what one married friend should do for another. I do however understand the point of it my H were cheating on me and someone knew, would I want them to tell me? Honestly I think so but I think I would be more humiliated hearing it from an outside person than from my H directly, or catching H myself. I honestly think that in most situations the truth eventually comes out. If Alan ever asked me straight out I wouldn't lie to him about what I know but I think it's best coming from his wife not an outside friend. I can honestly say after going through it myself, that I would ALWAYS want to know. Why? the alternative is living the life of a lie, then finding out YEARS later that the relationship wasn't at all what I thought it was. Years that are not recoverable. Life is too short. I will talk to my H about us confronting Jan, telling her she needs to come clean, she may then shed some light on what their marriage is really like or just continue what she is doing and leave me out of it. Maybe you need to throw some choice words in there to let her know just how much you disapprove and that her husband doesn't deserve what she is doing to him.
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