I thought I was over her

[thoughtitwasover]

First off a little background. My ex and I have been broken up for five months. We dated for three and a half years and I was certain that we were going to be married one day until I was completely blindsided this last April. She left for training on January 5th. I visited her at the end of February and we had a GREAT time together. We even talked about marriage and how we would like to raise our kids. I was supposed to go back to visit and drive back with her at the end of April but the entire month she was acting very odd. She quit being her usual bubbly self and when questioned about it she would just get very defensive to the point of lashing out. It got to the point where she wouldn't even pick up the phone for two weeks which was extremely childish and irritated me to no end. When I finally got a hold of her I asked her if she would still like me to come out to see her and she said no. At that point it was over. No explanation, no closure, no nothing.

 

Being that we were very good friends before we dated we wished to go back to that point so we tried and failed. I know I know. It came to a head at the beginning of June after we went to a concert. I couldnt just be her friend and I let her know that. I agreed that if she didn't feel the same as me then we shouldn't be together but I at least deserve an answer to the question "why?" Instead of an answer she fed me every one of my faults (even some that she liked about me) but completely inflated them, and even invented a few. She said that she loved me but wasn't 'in love' which I knew was a lie. That night crushed me more than the initial break up so I cut off all contact except for a stupid email back in July asking how she was doing. Her response being "I think you are fishing to know if I have moved on. I haven't but I am ready to". I honestly was'nt fishing, I just missed her, but it still hurt that she was ready to move on so fast after such an intense relationship.

 

Again, no contact. I've been doing all things you are supposed to do. Everytime I think about her I think of a negative. I've been hanging out with friends all the time and gaining new ones. I've even been working out like crazy and excelling at my job. I thought I was over her.

 

Then I had my birthday this last weekend. Spent a great weekend with friends celebrating all the September birthdays. On Sunday I get ready to go out to dinner with my parents and I notice I have a voice mail. "Hey its me, just calling basically cuz I'm so sorry I missed your birthday yesterday, anyways happy birthday and I hope you had fun. I WILL talk to you later." And just like that I got that terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. Just in time for my favorite restaurant. The whole thing was just a big mix of feelings. Anger, sadness, confusion.

 

Monday when I get home from work I started uploading pictures on facebook and noticed I had a message in my inbox. It was a message from her, sent five days before my birthday. She was asking about if I had heard anything from this big new job I have spent the last two months applying for. "hey~ i've been so curious about you and if you have been accepted into your new job yet! i would be so happy for you~"

 

Again a mix of feelings. Part of me wonders if she is finally regretting her decision. If so another part of me wants to respond with something terribly mean... and yet another part of me is hoping something can be recovered. I hate this and I hate her for doing this to me. I thought I was almost over her and she completely shattered that. I really don't know how or what to feel right now. I feel as if we have just broken up all over again.

 

Edit: Up to this point I have not responded to her in any way

[carhill]

Think about it this way (yeah, I know it sucks)....

 

She's being friendly. She's not in love with you anymore but still retains her fondness for the little things you both shared all this time. She's bad at communicating her true feelings, IMO, so you haven't had proper closure.

 

The important thing to visualize now is that the romance doesn't matter to her anymore, and, as long as it matters to you (it sounds like it does), your relationship will always be imbalanced and you will likely always feel pain.

 

As I often say here, the person who cares the least has the most control. No reflection upon you at all, but, right now, it's her.

 

Sometimes you can go back to being friends, sometimes not. Try two months of complete NC (no accepting contact, listening to VM's, reading e-mails, etc) and active diversion of thoughts, and then see how you feel. I would not date during this period. Total romantic isolation. Do guy stuff alone or with your male friends. Females don't exist for two months. Try it

[northstar1]

First off a little background. My ex and I have been broken up for five months. We dated for three and a half years and I was certain that we were going to be married one day until I was completely blindsided this last April. She left for training on January 5th. I visited her at the end of February and we had a GREAT time together. We even talked about marriage and how we would like to raise our kids. I was supposed to go back to visit and drive back with her at the end of April but the entire month she was acting very odd. She quit being her usual bubbly self and when questioned about it she would just get very defensive to the point of lashing out. It got to the point where she wouldn't even pick up the phone for two weeks which was extremely childish and irritated me to no end. When I finally got a hold of her I asked her if she would still like me to come out to see her and she said no. At that point it was over. No explanation, no closure, no nothing.

 

Being that we were very good friends before we dated we wished to go back to that point so we tried and failed. I know I know. It came to a head at the beginning of June after we went to a concert. I couldnt just be her friend and I let her know that. I agreed that if she didn't feel the same as me then we shouldn't be together but I at least deserve an answer to the question "why?" Instead of an answer she fed me every one of my faults (even some that she liked about me) but completely inflated them, and even invented a few. She said that she loved me but wasn't 'in love' which I knew was a lie. That night crushed me more than the initial break up so I cut off all contact except for a stupid email back in July asking how she was doing. Her response being "I think you are fishing to know if I have moved on. I haven't but I am ready to". I honestly was'nt fishing, I just missed her, but it still hurt that she was ready to move on so fast after such an intense relationship.

 

Again, no contact. I've been doing all things you are supposed to do. Everytime I think about her I think of a negative. I've been hanging out with friends all the time and gaining new ones. I've even been working out like crazy and excelling at my job. I thought I was over her.

 

Then I had my birthday this last weekend. Spent a great weekend with friends celebrating all the September birthdays. On Sunday I get ready to go out to dinner with my parents and I notice I have a voice mail. "Hey its me, just calling basically cuz I'm so sorry I missed your birthday yesterday, anyways happy birthday and I hope you had fun. I WILL talk to you later." And just like that I got that terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. Just in time for my favorite restaurant. The whole thing was just a big mix of feelings. Anger, sadness, confusion.

 

Monday when I get home from work I started uploading pictures on facebook and noticed I had a message in my inbox. It was a message from her, sent five days before my birthday. She was asking about if I had heard anything from this big new job I have spent the last two months applying for. "hey~ i've been so curious about you and if you have been accepted into your new job yet! i would be so happy for you~"

 

Again a mix of feelings. Part of me wonders if she is finally regretting her decision. If so another part of me wants to respond with something terribly mean... and yet another part of me is hoping something can be recovered. I hate this and I hate her for doing this to me. I thought I was almost over her and she completely shattered that. I really don't know how or what to feel right now. I feel as if we have just broken up all over again.

 

Edit: Up to this point I have not responded to her in any way

 

That is tough man. Contact from an ex can certainly send you spiralling.

I don't know your ex, but the content of the content you've provided, it doesn't suggest she is regretting her decision- she may just be doing it in a friendly manner, or for attention. Either way, I would carry on with your life, and having no contact. And for goodness sake, get her off your facebook list so she can't send you messages.

 

I would ignore her and keep moving on. Contact will continue to set you back. If she was truly interested in reconcilling, she would be pretty clear in contacting you. Dont send anything mean, just ignore and take the high road.

[Mike B.]

First off a little background. My ex and I have been broken up for five months. We dated for three and a half years and I was certain that we were going to be married one day until I was completely blindsided this last April. She left for training on January 5th. I visited her at the end of February and we had a GREAT time together. We even talked about marriage and how we would like to raise our kids. I was supposed to go back to visit and drive back with her at the end of April but the entire month she was acting very odd. She quit being her usual bubbly self and when questioned about it she would just get very defensive to the point of lashing out. It got to the point where she wouldn't even pick up the phone for two weeks which was extremely childish and irritated me to no end. When I finally got a hold of her I asked her if she would still like me to come out to see her and she said no. At that point it was over. No explanation, no closure, no nothing.

 

Being that we were very good friends before we dated we wished to go back to that point so we tried and failed. I know I know. It came to a head at the beginning of June after we went to a concert. I couldnt just be her friend and I let her know that. I agreed that if she didn't feel the same as me then we shouldn't be together but I at least deserve an answer to the question "why?" Instead of an answer she fed me every one of my faults (even some that she liked about me) but completely inflated them, and even invented a few. She said that she loved me but wasn't 'in love' which I knew was a lie. That night crushed me more than the initial break up so I cut off all contact except for a stupid email back in July asking how she was doing. Her response being "I think you are fishing to know if I have moved on. I haven't but I am ready to". I honestly was'nt fishing, I just missed her, but it still hurt that she was ready to move on so fast after such an intense relationship.

 

Again, no contact. I've been doing all things you are supposed to do. Everytime I think about her I think of a negative. I've been hanging out with friends all the time and gaining new ones. I've even been working out like crazy and excelling at my job. I thought I was over her.

 

Then I had my birthday this last weekend. Spent a great weekend with friends celebrating all the September birthdays. On Sunday I get ready to go out to dinner with my parents and I notice I have a voice mail. "Hey its me, just calling basically cuz I'm so sorry I missed your birthday yesterday, anyways happy birthday and I hope you had fun. I WILL talk to you later." And just like that I got that terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. Just in time for my favorite restaurant. The whole thing was just a big mix of feelings. Anger, sadness, confusion.

 

Monday when I get home from work I started uploading pictures on facebook and noticed I had a message in my inbox. It was a message from her, sent five days before my birthday. She was asking about if I had heard anything from this big new job I have spent the last two months applying for. "hey~ i've been so curious about you and if you have been accepted into your new job yet! i would be so happy for you~"

 

Again a mix of feelings. Part of me wonders if she is finally regretting her decision. If so another part of me wants to respond with something terribly mean... and yet another part of me is hoping something can be recovered. I hate this and I hate her for doing this to me. I thought I was almost over her and she completely shattered that. I really don't know how or what to feel right now. I feel as if we have just broken up all over again.

 

Edit: Up to this point I have not responded to her in any way

 

 

They say it takes about half the time you dated a person to truly get over them. I am not sure if this is the case but I once dated someone for five years and broke up with her and, unfortunately, it took about half the time I dated her to get over her.

 

 

No matter how much time it takes to get over someone, I do realize this: the best way to get over them is to cut off all contact with them (I know, I know but people push this idea because it is the best solution)! Maybe months, a year or so after you have truly moved on and found someone else to wrap your mind around, you can accept contact from her.

 

 

Don't fool yourself by all of the contact she is giving you. Women do this and are just being nice. She probably feels a little guilty about hurting you. Also, sometimes people hate to see someone else that used to be crazy about them is moving on so they try to stay in your mind somehow simply because they do not want to be forgotten. It is just another form of attention seeking.

 

Don't read too much into the contact she is giving you. View it as a bad thing for you and a roadblock to your recovery. I know it feels so very sh***y but you just have to move on. Don't look back.

 

 

Also, just as the poster above said, if she really wanted to get back together somehow, she would be pretty straight foward with it. There wouldn't be all of these empty messages she is sending you.

[thoughtitwasover]

You are all right. I guess I just needed someone to tell me what you did and I'm too ashamed to tell my friends about my relapse.

 

Its so hard not to send her a mean message for doing this though. I'm more angry than anything.

 

Damn her for being nice!

[northstar1]

You are all right. I guess I just needed someone to tell me what you did and I'm too ashamed to tell my friends about my relapse.

 

Its so hard not to send her a mean message for doing this though. I'm more angry than anything.

 

Damn her for being nice!

 

The best thing you can do is live a good and happy life. Don't respond to her, no matter what write, it won't make you feel better for very long.

 

Your friends will not judge you, you did nothing wrong and you're human with feelings. It's all natural.

 

I would suggest, however, in taking this girl off your facebook list

[thoughtitwasover]

Shes been off my list because I wanted to stop myself from checking her profile. I guess I have to block messages from people not on my friends list.

[Mike B.]

Shes been off my list because I wanted to stop myself from checking her profile. I guess I have to block messages from people not on my friends list.

 

 

Yes, for your own peace off mind, just cut out the ways she can contact you. Block emails and every thing. It is hard because you still have a glimmer of hope that she will call or email saying she wants to give it another try but it will not happen. If it does, I guarantee you will be back here telling how she screwed you again within a couple of months.

 

You will love again and hopefully, it will work out much better next time but always remember when that when someone you really care for break up with you, the best thing you can do for yoruself is to immediately break off all contact with them. Or else it will feel like getting kicked from a high speed train and being dragged by the train for the rest of the trip. Just get up, dust yourself off, and lick your wounds. I feel ya, man.

[thoughtitwasover]

If it does, I guarantee you will be back here telling how she screwed you again within a couple of months.

 

So true. Thanks

[nickelinadime]

Forget it. It's really not worth it. I find some people on here tend to generalize a bit much, because some ex's do genuinely miss you and do want you around. In my case, my ex and I were best friends for a while before we dated and she finds I'm the only one she can tell things too.

 

In this case, it sounds like she's trying to get an ego fed. **** her.

[Mike B.]

I find some people on here tend to generalize a bit much, because some ex's do genuinely miss you and do want you around. In my case, my ex and I were best friends for a while before we dated and she finds I'm the only one she can tell things to,

 

 

True. On the other hand, we have a saying in my profession: Common things occur "commonly." In other words, when you are dealing with a particular situation, work from the idea that what you are dealing with is a common or "general" presentation of the situation.

 

Yes, some ex genuinely do miss the other person after dumping them but contacting the dumpee is usually not an attempt to rekindle the flame. I think it is best to not hold on to hope of the rare chance that ex's wants to get back together. Yeah we hear about people getting back together but if when you add up all of the break ups that are forever and those that actually do get reconciled and actually break up again shortly thereafter eventually moving to break up forever anyway, I think it is better to accept that it is over for good and move on. The rare cases will not be shrouded in mystery.

[Sysyphus28]

That sounds pretty awful. Three and half years is a long time. My ex said all the same things! the "not in love" thing, bringing up all my faults and exagerating them. This is her method of justifying this breakup to herself without feeling guilty about it. Deep down she knows she did something that crushed you, but...........she is vocalizing your faults to you make herself feel that she made the right decision. No matter what though, she broke up with because she either A. met someone new, or B. was unhappy with something in your relationship. She wanted out of it. Don't feel bad about who you are. She isn't someone you have to answer to or prove yourself too.

 

I opened myself wide open for my ex, she knew my best and worst points. At the end of everything, I felt used up and alone. She feels guilty..........thats why you are getting a phone call or a message. The dust has cleared. Don't go back to square one with this girl. NC........NC..........NC