Author Anna101 Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 He's not neglecting his kids - they are with their grandparents at the moment. Remember we aren't literally 'seeing' each other face to face....we only talk on msn at the moment and for the last few days, we've stuck to just being friends. We don't call each other, or try and see each other. I'm still glad we met up the other day to talk about it because it took away a lot of the tension. Why can't we just be friends? We were friends before this It's not all lust and attraction.
bentnotbroken Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Once you mix salt and pepper you can't go back and separate them. You can't have and affair and go back to being friends. That doesn't make sense. If he treats his wife with such disregard during a life threatening situation, how in the hot place do you think he will treat you? Is this the kind of character you look for in a man?
Author Anna101 Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 It's not an affair to me, it's an admission of feelings that we do have. We've never even kissed. If we hadn't admitted it the other week, we would have just been friends who liked being near each other but that was it....all it was ever gonna be. I believe he would NEVER have told me if we hadn't ended up talking about something related - tooik 3 hours just to admit it! I'm not saying it's not an emotional betrayal to a degree, but it's not an affair unless we have physically done something or tried to or made plans to. I would never have told him or even considered him if he was happily married.
StaggerLee Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 It's not an affair to me, it's an admission of feelings that we do have. We've never even kissed. ...but eventually you will. I've been where you are, very recently. I know every situation is different, but reading your story a lot of things sound very familiar, especially how you feel about what is going on. For example: "It's not an affair to me" - yep, been there, ticked that box. I think you need to ask yourself how affairs start. Generally, the vast majority of people know that affairs are bad news for everyone involved, especially if emotional feelings come into play. However, affairs still start and end (badly) every single day, because people don't realise what is happening. I'm not saying it's not an emotional betrayal to a degree, but it's not an affair unless we have physically done something or tried to or made plans to. Believe me, you have already bought the ticket and got on the train towards a full blown affair. To carry on this (pretty crap to be fair) analogy, try and get off the train before it leaves the station (yeah the analogy is getting worse so I'll leave it there ) Anyway like I said, every situation is different and it could well be that you and him will end up together. But for now, please take a step back. Keep your eyes open, think of everybody else involved, and don't make it easy for him to have his cake and eat it. Because I suspect that if he gets the opportunity to have you and his wife in his life at the same time, he will take it.
jj33 Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Anna affairs start in stages. And at the beginning you are able to tell yourself that he is "just a friend". You are only doing your activity together, going for a coffee, having a drink or lunch - its innocent you are friends that enjoy each others company and have mutual intersts and yes there is an attraction. Now you are in stage 2, feelings have been expressed but you are still "just friends". The next step is secrecy. If you continue on this route at some point you may cross the line and then you will be hoping and hoping he will leave for you. Hoping that he means everything he says and that the marriage is really over and that as soon as his wife recovers he is going to leave. Everyone thinks they can handle it. That its not a big deal. That its great to have friends. And you dont want to lose the good feelings you share with this person. But its a very slippery slope. If you dont feel any care for his family right now. Then think of yourself. Its going to lead to tears. If hes really leaving, leave it alone until his wife is better and he is taking steps to end the marriage.
whichwayisup Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Remember we aren't literally 'seeing' each other face to face....we only talk on msn at the moment and for the last few days, we've stuck to just being friends. We don't call each other, or try and see each other. I'm still glad we met up the other day to talk about it because it took away a lot of the tension. And now what? It took away the tension. You don't think you're not going to push him and want to talk about "feelings" and stuff again? Why can't we just be friends? We were friends before this It's not all lust and attraction. Because you crossed the platonic lines with him. The friendship is now selfish and self serving. You couldn't care less about his wife. If you were "just" a friend you wouldn't be having ANY thoughts of this guy leaving his wife and family for you, especially during a time like this when his wife is ill, had surgery. It's not an affair to me, it's an admission of feelings that we do have. We've never even kissed. It IS an emotional affair. You crossed the lines, both of you, when you discussed feelings. If we hadn't admitted it the other week, we would have just been friends who liked being near each other but that was it....all it was ever gonna be. I believe he would NEVER have told me if we hadn't ended up talking about something related - tooik 3 hours just to admit it! Yeah and who pried the feelings, who kept bringing it up? You or him? 3 hours to admit that feelings are there? I'm not saying it's not an emotional betrayal to a degree, but it's not an affair unless we have physically done something or tried to or made plans to. I would never have told him or even considered him if he was happily married But the fact is, HE IS MARRIED. Obviously that makes no difference to you. You don't know 100% for sure if he is telling you the truth that his marriage sucks. You're not a fly on the wall in their bedroom, in their house. You don't know their daily dynamtic. What I don't understand is, why you're allowing something to happen here. You're at the very early stages, and if you're smart you'll end it NOW and walk away. Honestly, yes I would. He doesn't want to leave until she can manage the disease, but it's also not healthy to stay with someone just because they are sick is it? It is when one is married and said vows to one another. He isn't going to leave.
Author Anna101 Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 Hi all, I stumbled across this old message of mine. It was years ago, I thought I would come in and update things to let you know how it all went. Anyone around that gave me advice? I should have listened to it (mostly). For anyone out there thinking of having an affair, don't do it. It is painful and stressful and you'll feel like (and deserve to most of the time) a selfish bitch. And this is coming from someone where it DID WORK OUT. Yes of course, as things go... we didn't listen to reason or our conscience and had the affair. His W did get better fairly quickly, and he didn't leave. We took quite a while to make it physical, but also as things go, we did. I do love him and so it was hard...especially not seeing each other very often at all (once or twice a month). He was very stressed, I was stressed....it is just stress in between tiny bouts of happiness. He did leave. Two years later. After he left she did find out about me and we talked - she weirdly, only blames him. I am not going to end it with a sob story to make someone else not consider doing it, because the truth is we *are* both happy now and we are together. They DO sometimes leave, but the road there is not nice, and their divorce is bitter and they will mourn the end of their marriage and life for a long time. It is hard to be together properly after an affair as both families know how you got together, but it has been better than I thought. We have been together for a while now and have a baby, and things are good. I can't say it was a mistake because I wouldn't have my baby, but taking the idea of him away, please WALK AWAY before you start. Even when they work out they just hurt people.
hope224 Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 How was it when he left his wife and you started your new relationship? Did you harbor guilt about it that affected your relationship? I guess I'm trying to get perspective on the struggles you faced in case it happens for me.
Author Anna101 Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 How was it when he left his wife and you started your new relationship? Did you harbor guilt about it that affected your relationship? I guess I'm trying to get perspective on the struggles you faced in case it happens for me. It was difficult. Had to face feelings and things we didn't want to face. Had to face everyone else knowing that we had an affair and I was *part* of the reason he'd ended it. Had to live through him having a 'omg' month where he wanted her back and panicked. It is a HARD road and is harder than the affair itself, situation wise. But we have a pretty strong r/ship and worked hard. I felt guilty, but haven't let if effect us. I have no issues at all with trusting him. Be prepared to watch them mourn the end of their marriage no matter how much they wanted that, and that at times they WILL regret it, and at other times will be happy about it. It's a roller coaster ride. I had some honest talks with his ex wife, we both needed to do that too.
hope224 Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 I am actually the MW, take a look at one of my other threads, the other side of being left, you might could shed some light on it for me
Breezy Trousers Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 Hi all, I stumbled across this old message of mine. It was years ago, I thought I would come in and update things to let you know how it all went. Anyone around that gave me advice? I should have listened to it (mostly). For anyone out there thinking of having an affair, don't do it. It is painful and stressful and you'll feel like (and deserve to most of the time) a selfish @#!*% . And this is coming from someone where it DID WORK OUT. Yes of course, as things go... we didn't listen to reason or our conscience and had the affair. His W did get better fairly quickly, and he didn't leave. We took quite a while to make it physical, but also as things go, we did. I do love him and so it was hard...especially not seeing each other very often at all (once or twice a month). He was very stressed, I was stressed....it is just stress in between tiny bouts of happiness. He did leave. Two years later. After he left she did find out about me and we talked - she weirdly, only blames him. I am not going to end it with a sob story to make someone else not consider doing it, because the truth is we *are* both happy now and we are together. They DO sometimes leave, but the road there is not nice, and their divorce is bitter and they will mourn the end of their marriage and life for a long time. It is hard to be together properly after an affair as both families know how you got together, but it has been better than I thought. We have been together for a while now and have a baby, and things are good. I can't say it was a mistake because I wouldn't have my baby, but taking the idea of him away, please WALK AWAY before you start. Even when they work out they just hurt people. Thanks for coming back and sharing. I appreciate your honesty very much. You could have just as easily come back and said, "I WON! I WON THE HAPPILY EVER AFTER!" and left it at that. Thanks for keeping it real. Just want to comment on one thing ... You mentioned that the BS "weirdly, only blames him." It's not weird, really. You didn't make a commitment to love her for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. He did. He betrayed her, not you. Congratulations on your baby, and I hope your marriage continues to be a happy one.
Gentlegirl Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 I'm just wondering , if in the future, you would put your life and trust into this man's hands? I sure as hell wouldn't like him to be looking after me and my kids! Not a picture of trustworthiness or reliability , is he? She's sick in hospital and he's out with you? I wonder where the kids were stowed away? He isn't really going to walk out on her and three little kids you know. If he did would you think big of him? Run like blazes darling... nothing but heartache ahead for you. I think somebody here said to do a bit of serious reading on this site. It's fantastic and you will see that many stories have a lot in common.... fantastic connections, soul mates, cannot live with him, love him more than I ever loved anybody before, he never lies to me, greatest sex ever, blah, blah, blah. It's all an illusion brought on by our emotions and hormones. The illusion with fall away one day and you will be left just like many of us here...lonely, hearbroken and humiliated because he chose not to leave the marriage. IF he does choose to leave, the chances of your relationhip with him lasting, are very poor. Also, can you imagine for a minute how messy it would get with ex wife, kids for weekends, alimony etc etc.? Recovery will waste more time in the future than he is worth. In fact any more time spent on him is a waste of your precious life. Most of us here have been there and recovering or struggling to get out of the A. My thoughts are with you, Gentlegirl
Lucky_One Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 I'm just wondering , if in the future, you would put your life and trust into this man's hands? I sure as hell wouldn't like him to be looking after me and my kids! Not a picture of trustworthiness or reliability , is he? She's sick in hospital and he's out with you? I wonder where the kids were stowed away? He isn't really going to walk out on her and three little kids you know. If he did would you think big of him? Run like blazes darling... nothing but heartache ahead for you. I think somebody here said to do a bit of serious reading on this site. It's fantastic and you will see that many stories have a lot in common.... fantastic connections, soul mates, cannot live with him, love him more than I ever loved anybody before, he never lies to me, greatest sex ever, blah, blah, blah. It's all an illusion brought on by our emotions and hormones. The illusion with fall away one day and you will be left just like many of us here...lonely, hearbroken and humiliated because he chose not to leave the marriage. IF he does choose to leave, the chances of your relationhip with him lasting, are very poor. Also, can you imagine for a minute how messy it would get with ex wife, kids for weekends, alimony etc etc.? Recovery will waste more time in the future than he is worth. In fact any more time spent on him is a waste of your precious life. Most of us here have been there and recovering or struggling to get out of the A. My thoughts are with you, Gentlegirl Uh, Gentlegirl? You might want to read the whole thread!
Author Anna101 Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 Um....you might want to read my updated post. I'm just wondering , if in the future, you would put your life and trust into this man's hands? I sure as hell wouldn't like him to be looking after me and my kids! Not a picture of trustworthiness or reliability , is he? She's sick in hospital and he's out with you? I wonder where the kids were stowed away? He isn't really going to walk out on her and three little kids you know. If he did would you think big of him? Run like blazes darling... nothing but heartache ahead for you. I think somebody here said to do a bit of serious reading on this site. It's fantastic and you will see that many stories have a lot in common.... fantastic connections, soul mates, cannot live with him, love him more than I ever loved anybody before, he never lies to me, greatest sex ever, blah, blah, blah. It's all an illusion brought on by our emotions and hormones. The illusion with fall away one day and you will be left just like many of us here...lonely, hearbroken and humiliated because he chose not to leave the marriage. IF he does choose to leave, the chances of your relationhip with him lasting, are very poor. Also, can you imagine for a minute how messy it would get with ex wife, kids for weekends, alimony etc etc.? Recovery will waste more time in the future than he is worth. In fact any more time spent on him is a waste of your precious life. Most of us here have been there and recovering or struggling to get out of the A. My thoughts are with you, Gentlegirl
Author Anna101 Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 Actually Gentlegirl I will respond...I know you didn't read my last post so I will post with the benefit of hindsight. 1. Yes I would put my life and trust into his hands. He made a mistake and didn't know how to get out of it. One life event doesn't define who he is, or who anyone is. I trust him more than I'd probably trust someone who HADN'T had an affair, because i know that he is fully aware of how stressful and difficult and horrible it can be, and that he is not masochistic enough to do it again. 2. The kids were not 'stowed away' anywhere, he is a good father. They were either at school or at his brother's house with their cousins. 3. Well he didn't 'walk out on her and three little kids', he left a marriage. I don't think less of anyone for wanting to leave their marriage even if they have 20 kids. I think he lacked strength, courage and was weak and selfish about it all but I do not think less of him because he did leave. 4. It's always an illusion? Bull****, seriously. An affair is a piss poor way to begin a relationship, I know this, but it happened etc. That doesn't mean our feelings were ever an 'illusion', any more than any couple that falls in love and is new. I'm sorry if your man never left, but even if they DON'T, it doesn't mean that the relationship itself is not genuine. People don't leave marriages for all kinds of reasons, no matter how much in love they may be with someone else. 5. My r/ship has lasted. It took time, we rebuilt it, we went back to the beginning and 'dated', and built it slowly. And yep, it's messy coordinating kids and ex wives, but hey, sometimes that part is worth it. As I said in my post....I DO think it's good and right to warn people off affairs. They are selfish, and they are usually painful for everyone involved. But be REAL about it - not all of them DO end in disaster, and they aren't all about sex or illusion.
skywriter Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 Wow, Thanks so much for coming back and updating about your situation. You sound like a very level headed and loving person.
26pointblue Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 Hi Anna I was wondering what you did during the month your MM freaked out & didn't want to lose his wife? How did you handle that? Thanks for your update.
Author Anna101 Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 Hi Anna I was wondering what you did during the month your MM freaked out & didn't want to lose his wife? How did you handle that? Thanks for your update. I handled it 'ok', kept myself distracted. I think it 'helped' me to realise he had kinda lost the plot altogether with everyone, so it wasn't about us, he just panicked about losing the life he'd lead for almost 20 years. I talked to his parents and they knew he was really screwed up too, and I'd also talked to his wife, who didn't want him back at all. I think mostly I just trusted he'd either get over it and realise he was just having a big panic attack, or it wasn't meant to be. You can't force someone to love you, after all.
daisy love Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Thank you for the update! It's reassuring to know that what I feel in my heart is true. Sometimes it does work out.
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