Anna101 Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 Hi, I have nowhere else to talk about this so thought I would join. I have been having an emotional affair with a MM. The story is - we have known each other for a while through doing the same activity. There has always been an attraction/awareness, but I didn't quite realise it till we started talking on MSN. Slowly, we started talking more and more, and did occasionally see each other face to face. The last few months we have talked every night, longer and longer, culminating in us talking from 7pm to 7am last saturday. This was the night we admitted we felt something, and it was a big step. Previous to that we hadn't admitted anything, just talked - though we also both were making excuses to see each other - which we only did once, with a valid reason. After saturday we both kinda hit the wall and we didn't sleep or eat properly. He is not happily married...I know this for a fact as another friend knows about it way before I even knew him. Recently, he was about to leave but she has gotten sick - she is currently in hospital. This is where it gets tricky, he wants to leave, but he has three kids and she is very sick at the moment and he would feel like a total prick if he did. He is waiting for her to get well so he can make a decision - however there is a possibility she may need a colostomy bag and if that happens, he has told me straight up he will not leave because he would always feel guilty. He knows he'd be staying out of duty. Yesterday, we met up for the first since we admitted feelings, mostly to see if they WERE there and we weren't just carried away for a week on MSN. Yes they were there - it's not just physical, and it's pretty strong. We spend about 5 hours together, talked honestly, and we knew the line was kissing. He said if we kissed that's it, he will leave as he is not going to be a cheater and if he's willing to cross that line, it means he's made his bed. We did not kiss. We decided after talking about it and wanting to, that it wasn't right because we wouldn't be starting it right. It was VERY VERY hard not to as we were sitting in his car for an hour! So right now I'm waiting. I feel angry and hurt that out of all the people I could fall for, it is someone married, and I feel worse that it may never happen ALL because of someone getting sick. I don't know how to feel, waiting sucks....as I can't make any decisions... Maybe I just needed to vent.. Anna.
whichwayisup Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 Do yourself a big favour now. Walk away. End it.. This man will never leave his wife, let alone his children. YOU need to be the strong one and tell him goodbye and to call you WHEN the divorce is final. Staying around and hoping he'll leave will only mess you up. Do some reading in this section. Do some reading in the infidelity section too, so you can see the damage you're helping cause his wife and family. Put yourself in his wifes' shoes... Also think of this - LOOK how he is treating his wife, mother of his 3 kids...He's cheating on her with you, during a rough time in HER life. He's telling you all sorts of crap on a stick, lying to her, betraying her...DO you really believe the words coming out of his mouth? Why would he NOT lie to you? Or omit truths. He is scum.
Author Anna101 Posted September 24, 2008 Author Posted September 24, 2008 But what I don't understand is if he was after an affair, why decide not to do it? We decided not to meet up again till he has decided, so pretending not to want it doesn't get him anywhere. I'm confused. I read the section and I know how bad it looks, but maybe sometimes it's the truth?
2sunny Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 But what I don't understand is if he was after an affair, why decide not to do it? We decided not to meet up again till he has decided, so pretending not to want it doesn't get him anywhere. I'm confused. I read the section and I know how bad it looks, but maybe sometimes it's the truth? i agree- walk away. he's only done you a favor (if you can call it that) by not taking it further already. he has cheated - and you helped him. he has given you emotional energy and his time that he should be giving his wife. leave before this gets more complicated.
NewSunrise Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 Do yourself a big favour now. Walk away. End it.. This man will never leave his wife, let alone his children. YOU need to be the strong one and tell him goodbye and to call you WHEN the divorce is final. Staying around and hoping he'll leave will only mess you up. Do some reading in this section. Do some reading in the infidelity section too, so you can see the damage you're helping cause his wife and family. Put yourself in his wifes' shoes... Also think of this - LOOK how he is treating his wife, mother of his 3 kids...He's cheating on her with you, during a rough time in HER life. He's telling you all sorts of crap on a stick, lying to her, betraying her...DO you really believe the words coming out of his mouth? Why would he NOT lie to you? Or omit truths. He is scum. DITTO!!! My roommate became attracted to one of her MM co-workers and he to her. The MM's W was diagnosed with cancer, for crying out loud! I asked my roomie to look very close and hard at the situation and put herself in his W's shoes. There is no confusion in this picture as there are no confusion in yours. She ended it. Do yourself a huge favor. Walk away. NOTHING good will come out of this. But you gotta decide that you deserve better. If you don't set some standards for yourself, your "addiction" to this MM will strengthen and before you know it, you will be buried deep into a full blown affair that will sometimes take years to overcome. Not to mention the emotional disability that it causes. Keep reading as much as you can on infidelity.
Author Anna101 Posted September 24, 2008 Author Posted September 24, 2008 Thank you. I am definitely not going to see him again outside of the activity we do (not together, just same thing) and I am not going to sleep with him or have physical contact of any kind. I will wait till the end of this week to see what happens with the op - if he doesn't make the decision then and there, I know he won't. I am just glad we did not do anything at all yesterday. Obviously we are guilty of being deceptive but I can live with that over living with having slept with him.
whichwayisup Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 Why are you letting HIM decide? Decide for yourself! His wife is sick, in the hospital. His focus needs to be on her and their kids.
Author Anna101 Posted September 24, 2008 Author Posted September 24, 2008 Because if he left, I would want to be with him. It sounds so cliche and like he's making it up, but what if it is TRUE that he was about to leave and she got sick. I know it sounds ridiculously naive but I just feel like I have to know.
Reggie Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 The key factor is that he is married. Regardless of the state of his marriage or his wife's health, he is married. Do you believe cheating is wrong? If so, why do it?
Author Anna101 Posted September 25, 2008 Author Posted September 25, 2008 I do believe it's wrong, I am just tempted because I've never felt like this for anyone and there is still this niggly voice in my head saying what if he's genuine and will leave.
2sunny Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 I do believe it's wrong, I am just tempted because I've never felt like this for anyone and there is still this niggly voice in my head saying what if he's genuine and will leave. he's not genuine - he cheated on his wife... and you helped him. how would you like to be her? also - you say that you won't have physical contact any further but what about emotional contact? after all this is what has kept it moving along in the past. i think you aren't even intending to make an effort to stop your connection with him. he's married honey, he's married. i highly doubt she's sick... the H always seem to come up with that when they are forced to make a decision - all of a sudden they say "oh no, i can't leave - my wife is sick!" you can believe him all you want... but we've heard it here time and time again.
Lizzie60 Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 May I ask how old is this guy.. and you.. and are the kids young, teens or adults?
Lizzie60 Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 he's not genuine - he cheated on his wife... and you helped him. how would you like to be her? also - you say that you won't have physical contact any further but what about emotional contact? after all this is what has kept it moving along in the past. i think you aren't even intending to make an effort to stop your connection with him. he's married honey, he's married. i highly doubt she's sick... the H always seem to come up with that when they are forced to make a decision - all of a sudden they say "oh no, i can't leave - my wife is sick!" you can believe him all you want... but we've heard it here time and time again. I think that 'my wife is sick' has to be #2 on the palmarès of 'reason to cheat' ... #1 being in a sexless relationship.. I think I've met 4-5 MM (I did not sleep with them) that said that their Ws were sick.. Two guys (friends), on my last vacation down south.. in their early 50s... were on vacation without their W.. they both had 'sick' wives.. strange...
Author Anna101 Posted September 25, 2008 Author Posted September 25, 2008 She really is sick, there's no doubt there. We have a mutual friend who has visited her. Lizzie - He's 36, I'm 29, his kids are 5, 8, 12.
Author Anna101 Posted September 25, 2008 Author Posted September 25, 2008 I think I'm about 10% into talking myself out of it....he came on msn then and for the first time I was not happy about it. I know it's slow progress but still, heh.
Meaplus3 Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Hi, I have nowhere else to talk about this so thought I would join. I have been having an emotional affair with a MM. The story is - we have known each other for a while through doing the same activity. There has always been an attraction/awareness, but I didn't quite realise it till we started talking on MSN. Slowly, we started talking more and more, and did occasionally see each other face to face. The last few months we have talked every night, longer and longer, culminating in us talking from 7pm to 7am last saturday. This was the night we admitted we felt something, and it was a big step. Previous to that we hadn't admitted anything, just talked - though we also both were making excuses to see each other - which we only did once, with a valid reason. After saturday we both kinda hit the wall and we didn't sleep or eat properly. He is not happily married...I know this for a fact as another friend knows about it way before I even knew him. Recently, he was about to leave but she has gotten sick - she is currently in hospital. This is where it gets tricky, he wants to leave, but he has three kids and she is very sick at the moment and he would feel like a total prick if he did. He is waiting for her to get well so he can make a decision - however there is a possibility she may need a colostomy bag and if that happens, he has told me straight up he will not leave because he would always feel guilty. He knows he'd be staying out of duty. Yesterday, we met up for the first since we admitted feelings, mostly to see if they WERE there and we weren't just carried away for a week on MSN. Yes they were there - it's not just physical, and it's pretty strong. We spend about 5 hours together, talked honestly, and we knew the line was kissing. He said if we kissed that's it, he will leave as he is not going to be a cheater and if he's willing to cross that line, it means he's made his bed. We did not kiss. We decided after talking about it and wanting to, that it wasn't right because we wouldn't be starting it right. It was VERY VERY hard not to as we were sitting in his car for an hour! So right now I'm waiting. I feel angry and hurt that out of all the people I could fall for, it is someone married, and I feel worse that it may never happen ALL because of someone getting sick. I don't know how to feel, waiting sucks....as I can't make any decisions... Maybe I just needed to vent.. Anna. Do yourself a favor and get out now! Emotional affairs are VERY hard to break the longer the connection is feed. Only see this mm at the activity you share and keep it strictly business. Bail..out now and save yourself a ton of hurt while you still can! Best wishes. AP
bentnotbroken Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Because if he left, I would want to be with him. It sounds so cliche and like he's making it up, but what if it is TRUE that he was about to leave and she got sick. I know it sounds ridiculously naive but I just feel like I have to know. You would want to be with a man who would consider leaving a sick spouse. She was probably sick long before he decided to think aobut having an affair.
NewSunrise Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Because if he left, I would want to be with him. It sounds so cliche and like he's making it up, but what if it is TRUE that he was about to leave and she got sick. I know it sounds ridiculously naive but I just feel like I have to know. Gotta say it. I don't know who is sicker. You or the wife who is legitimately sick. Really. Think about it. You're justifying your position to have an affair with him with but what if it is TRUE that he was about to leave and she got sick. What if you were the wife and he was about to leave you when you got sick? Feel any better? If you're looking to justify any attempts of entering an affair, why not just go ahead and do it? Go have sex with him! Hey, maybe actually doing it might "seal" the deal for you. An "insurance" sort of way to get him to reeeaaally leave his wife for you. That is your motivation after all, isn't it? And then take a good look at yourself in the mirror and acclaim the "I did it! I just slept with a MM whose W is sick". But hey, that thought may not even cross your mind. If you've read enough posts on this subject, OPs are usually buried in lala land under the influence of drug like effects, the euphoria of ecstasy. You might even consider the idea that any man married or not is fair game for the taking. So, exactly what is it that you're looking for? Support to do the deed? So far, every posts is warning you against it. You've already crossed the line with one foot.
Author Anna101 Posted September 25, 2008 Author Posted September 25, 2008 You would want to be with a man who would consider leaving a sick spouse. She was probably sick long before he decided to think aobut having an affair. Honestly, yes I would. He doesn't want to leave until she can manage the disease, but it's also not healthy to stay with someone just because they are sick is it? She wasn't sick until recently - I know everyone says that but we do have mutual friends so he cannot actually lie about the details as I have already heard them from other people who know his wife. I definitely would not have an affair with him while he is with his wife - but I can't yet let go of the possibility he is telling the truth and he WAS and WILL leave her.
Trojan John Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Okay, so there's this little part in most marriage vows that goes, "...in sickness and in health...." This can only end badly. (Not) looking forward to reading more about it on LS in the future.
noforgiveness Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Well this is one other woman who can't pull the old well I didn't mean to fall in love it just happened card. Here she is going into it with her eyes wide opened knowing he has 3 children and a sick wife. What makes someone think this is even remotely ok? You didn't say vows to her or those children though right? oh and hey his marriage wasn't good that wasn't your fault right? Sheesh. Now I'm sick.
jj33 Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Honestly, yes I would. He doesn't want to leave until she can manage the disease, but it's also not healthy to stay with someone just because they are sick is it? She wasn't sick until recently - I know everyone says that but we do have mutual friends so he cannot actually lie about the details as I have already heard them from other people who know his wife. I definitely would not have an affair with him while he is with his wife - but I can't yet let go of the possibility he is telling the truth and he WAS and WILL leave her. Have you read your own words? He is with his wife. She is sick but she is still his wife. If if if he EVER leaves, he knows where to find you. Are you going to put your life on hold until that point months maybe years in the future? Get on with your life. If it was meant to be it will be. In the meantime, let him look after his W and children. he may think he needs the distraction of the A if he was raelly planning to leave it may feel unfair that he was about to leave and she got ill and you may think you are a font of support, but you are not his family. And his family is in crisis. Dont be that woman. Dont be so selfish that you would interfere when this man is most needed by his family. Let him do what he needs to do and the future will take care of itself.
GreenX Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Thank you. I am definitely not going to see him again outside of the activity we do (not together, just same thing) and I am not going to sleep with him or have physical contact of any kind. Just curious but what is the outside activity that you both do?
Reggie Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Anna, moral issues aside, those kids are not going to like you. MyXW's OM found this to be the case and it killed the relationship. The kids get plenty pissed about this type of thing. It will get really bad when they are teenagers. You'll have no moral authority in their eyes and their dad will not be able to keep the peace. These kids will see you for what you are and won't hold back. You should run.
2sure Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 "...So right now I'm waiting. I feel angry and hurt that out of all the people I could fall for, it is someone married, and I feel worse that it may never happen ALL because of someone getting sick. Why would he not leave just because she got sick? Just because she is in the hospital and when she comes home her life and body will be physically altered? Are you saying he may not leave his wife for you ALL because of someone getting sick. Why not leave his 3 small children and her to fend for themselves during a family crisis? I mean, this illness has probably put so much stress on them all , MM included, that I'm sure things havent been peachy for awhile. Why shouldn't he finally just leave ALL because of someone getting sick. He has probably had to be the main caretaker for his kids and it sounds like she may be out of commission even longer, he has had his hands full. When a family member is sick like this, it takes a real toll on the spouse and he probably sometimes looks for a pocket of life that has nothing to do with these dark days. He said he isnt leaving her in illness, but come on - he wants to stay with his wife and family ALL because of someone getting sick.? What an inconvenience for you , during a time that should be only sunshine and roses.
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