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Posted

This is long, so you can just skip to the bolded part and read from there if you're bored ;p

 

After my ex and I broke up, he started dating a new girl, one he had been talking to while we were together (reason for the break up), right out of the gate.

 

I did no contact, but he kept contacting me. I thought if I kept strong, if I was my own person and put my feelings aside, I could be alright talking to him. Then, I realized he was chatting with me just to keep tabs on me, what I was up to I suppose. Talking to him forced me to see that he was moving on with his life, seeing this new girl.

 

For a while, as in for the last three weeks since we've split, I was relying on her being a rebound - he moved right from one love together. That being said, he had plenty of time to get over me while I was in Tokyo (we broke up when I got back). I've realized weather she is a rebound or not, it does not matter, he is dating her and thats one fact I do know.

 

Two nights ago I told him to stop contacting me. The very next day he yelled at me for waking him up to tell him that (I did not realize when I called he was sleeping). We started talking again. But instead of it being light casual conversation, he started asking for sex... reasoning why sex with me was okay, even though he's involved.

 

The girl he is dating, he told me they were serious, then a few hours later, he told me they had not discussed being exclusive, so sex with me was okay. I let him entertain those thoughts... it made me feel good but...

Thats when I realized. Maybe, hearing him say that made me feel flattered - wanted - even if only sexually... but he is in the wrong. He is trying to have sexual relations with me, and at the same time, beginning a relationship with another woman. Regardless of who he is dating, he is a ****ing loser. The man I loved is never coming back. We didn't just break up and I lost him to someone else, hes not just out of my life, that man with values and respect for women is dead. I am not jealous of this new woman, I am not going to fight for him back, because the good man I know has been erased from this world.

 

So today I am cutting him out fully. I would like to say goodbye. I would like to tell him I am incredibly sad that the man I believed in is gone. I would like to tell him I have to stop talking to him not only because he does not deserve my time, but because he needs time to think seriously if he should be getting into a new relationship right now, because he has changed. I want to shake him and make him the man he was, maybe not in love with me, but still that same man... but yeah. I don't know. Hes not online right now, maybe if he says hi I'll let him know its done. Maybe I wont talk to him at all - I'm hoping from last night -> now, he has realized his wrongs and is done talking to me for his own reasons.

 

 

Sorry this is long, I try not to be but... hi I'm Lauren and I'm emotional and chatty ;p

 

Any like... advice, or responses to this would be wonderful, it helps me feel strong.

Posted

Don't try to talk sense into him. Just tell him that you no longer look forward to talking to him and that you don't see the point in this. Then say goodbye and hang up.

Posted

Lauren,

 

I had to do the same thing you did.

 

After my ex broke up with me, I agreed to staying friends with her, and we stayed in contact every now and then just to see how we were both doing, like a every few days or so. She wanted her space, so we weren't really talking to each other, but she would send me messages on AIM now and then and said she still wanted to be able to catch up with me now and then.

 

Anyway, everytime I talked to her, all it did was make me feel like she still wanted me in her life.

 

So I finally had to tell her that we can't talk for a while - that's it's only fair to me. She agreed and totally understood.

 

It's been 2 weeks now since we last talked on the phone, and it's hard, but trust me, it's the right thing to do - it's healthy for you.

 

Besides, I went on her facebook profile the other day and saw some things from other guys that I really didn't want to see, and it pissed me off and then I got really upset and hurt again. So I took her off my friends list, I also took her off AIM.

 

Cutting all ties to your ex will only help you in the long run.

  • Author
Posted

Yeah. I think I am finally ready to make the cut permanent. He has proven to me he is not a man I would ever want to talk to. If I met him on the street today, removed from this situation, and heard about his personal life, I'd be disgusted.

 

I'm also disgusted in myself. I am mad I even LET him entertain the idea of me with him. I did not stop him, really, I let him justify why him and I could fool around, I let him have those thoughts, I told him my stance on the matter, but I still allowed him to keep saying his own. For that, for letting him get that far, for letting him make a bad choice, I am disappointed in myself. More disappointed than I have ever been.

 

I wanted him to myself, and I let him fantasize about sex with me.

 

I don't want to be remembered as the crazy ex who was hot as hell and a temptress he had to escape. I want to be remembered as someone who got the f*** out keeping her dignity. Thats why it ends today. My body is my own, he is not allowed to tell me he wants it, because he does not want what comes with my body - my heart and soul. His new girlfriend, she does not deserve this either. I will not become the other woman.

 

I am cutting contact with him. My concern is, if I do not tell him WHY what he did is wrong, he will like... look at my ignoring him as a jealous girl who was a temptress and made him make the wrong choices.

 

Am I making sense? I dont know. But yeah. Finished. He is not someone to lust after or be friends with.

Posted

You want to get the last word in, I understand that. But in the end, it doesn't really matter. Not giving a **** what he thinks is the first step towards forgetting about the whole thing.

  • Author
Posted

Yeah I agree completely. I am done. He is out of my life. It will probably be the happiest I have been in a long time!

Posted

 

So today I am cutting him out fully. I would like to say goodbye. I would like to tell him I am incredibly sad that the man I believed in is gone. I would like to tell him I have to stop talking to him not only because he does not deserve my time, but because he needs time to think seriously if he should be getting into a new relationship right now, because he has changed. I want to shake him and make him the man he was, maybe not in love with me, but still that same man... but yeah. I don't know. Hes not online right now, maybe if he says hi I'll let him know its done. Maybe I wont talk to him at all - I'm hoping from last night -> now, he has realized his wrongs and is done talking to me for his own reasons.

 

 

.

 

you sound somewhat similar to me. i was going to remain friendly and supportive with my ex while he supposedly dealt with his anger managment issues. then i found out he was lying to me.

so i wrote him a letter. it was actually a very good letter. i told him i was very disappointed in him, i didn't want contact with him anymore, i reminded him of what he told me, and what he actually DID, and how i didn't want someone like him in my life anymore. i told him it wasn't fair for him to bring another women into the picture when he has so many problems and hasn't dealt with them...etc. i was very concise and relatively diplomatic (much more than he deserved, really). i mailed it to him, and haven't heard from him, and don't want to. it was a way to give me closure and i am SO GLAD i did that.

just cut the cord with him and be done with it. you'll start feeling a whole lot better afterwards. i didn't think i would, but i do. it's been 6 days since i sent the letter and i can feel the sadness dissipating.

Posted

hi, i'm kim and i'm a bit of an emotional wreck, but holding it together :p

 

first off, i want to congratulate you because you are doing the right thing for yourself, and that can be a very hard thing to do.

secondly, i say that if you want to say goodbye, say it. sometimes, it affords us some kind of closure - the type we can give ourselves. before moving back home, i said goodbye to my ex. he hadn't done anything wrong - just wasn't sure what he wanted or how he felt about me anymore, and so ended the relationship - and i feel that if i hadn't said goodbye to him that night, i might not be able to be as strong and accepting of the situation as i am right now.

 

at the end of the day, you've come to a good realisation - that this man is not the one you knew anymore, and he has to rediscover himself BY himself. you can't keep clinging onto something that isn't there right now. nothing is forever, but we can only live by the present.

 

good luck lauren.

Posted

you should really thank him for trying to pull that because it helped you see clearly what type of person he is :) how lucky do you feel now that you didn't end up with this guy? and why the other girl would agree to such an arrangement at the *beginning* of a loving, serious relationship...that's a question for another day.

 

but for now, congrats. he helped you move on.

Posted
you should really thank him for trying to pull that because it helped you see clearly what type of person he is :) how lucky do you feel now that you didn't end up with this guy? and why the other girl would agree to such an arrangement at the *beginning* of a loving, serious relationship...that's a question for another day.

 

but for now, congrats. he helped you move on.

 

i agree with thanking them for being a jerk and showing their true colours! now we can get on with our lives and not waste any more time on them. geez, i wish i had actually put something like that in my letter to my ex. i guess i can use that if i ever see him again. and i'd mean it sincerely.

great advice!

Posted

Lauren, I think it's always best to distance yourself from someone who doesn't have your best interests in mind, someone incredibly selfish. In doing so, it gives you time to heal so you can clearly emotionally see him for who and what he is. Many times it takes the heart a long time to catch up to what the head already knows. ((hugs))

Posted

When you chose to take the high road, expect to walk alone.

 

I know exactly, precisely to a TEE how you feel. You look at the way people act once things have ended, and you wonder what happened to the person you fell in love with. How can that sweet lovable person turn into this vile monster?

 

Thing is, people really dont change all that much. Sometimes, they're able to for the sake of a relationship, but whenever you change for someone else it never sticks. Chances are, he was like this before, met you, and decided to keep it under wraps in order to keep you around. Deep down inside, he was probably always the same way, and always will be. I know it's hard to imagine, but the way people act at their worst is a lot more telling than how they act at their best.

 

You're an exceptionally strong and good-hearted person, and I give you a TON of credit for doing the right thing. This guy isn't worth a second of your time anymore, you're way better than that.

 

I want to be remembered as someone who got the f*** out keeping her dignity. Thats why it ends today

 

I thought this was awesome! Keep strong.

  • Author
Posted

Hey everyone, thanks for the posts - they keep me strong.

 

I think the truth is, the great guy I had in my head, he showed up sometimes, but was seldom there. When I look back at our relationship, I was constantly lowering my standards, or keeping my mouth shut when he was disrespectful.

 

Each night, before I fell asleep, I'd think about him, imagine a good time we shared together. Maybe all that imagining let me make up a more wonderful man in my head than there actually was.

 

I like the posts that call these bad elements in him his true colors. I'm starting to accept thats the man he really is, and all of you posting to remind me that kind of... help me see what I was blinded to for so long.

 

Do you think he'll be like this all his life? He'll grow up someday, right? People can't like that forever, can they?

 

 

;p

Thanks again everyone... each and everyone of you are helping me so much. :)

Posted

Hi Lauren. :)

 

When we end a relationship, we always have so many things to say, because we have such strong feelings that are now mixed up with anger, grief, loneliness, the feeling of injustice, etc. He is the same man, but he acted differently when he cared about you more than he does now. Maybe he still loves you, but he has another woman to distract him and make him feel wanted.

 

People always say you should let it go and do nothing. This is probably the best solution. You don't call someone to tel him to stop calling you, you sily! :) You just let him know in a cold manner that you don't want to communicate with him at the moment unless it's absolutely necessary. Afetr that, if he calls with his sex proposals, you remind him of what you said, ask if there's anything else he needs from you, explain that you are busy, and end the conversation politely.

 

Because you have strong feelings for him, you are making a big deal out of this. Imagine if he were someone you really didn't care about; someone who calls you three times a week and asks you to go out with him. How would you handle the situation if you wanted to be polite? In such cases, I have told people I was busy and would talk to them another time, since they didn't get the first few hints that I am not interested in talking with them. After a couple calls, they get the message.

 

He will only stop calling if he sees that you're not giving him the attention he seeks. He might also freak out when he sees that he lost you and beg you to take him back. Be cold and merciless. Don't help him, don't try to open his eyes, don't talk to him. he doesn't deserve it. He started an emotional affair while in a relationship with you, he hooked up with that girl immediately after you, and now he wants to have sex with two women on the same day. Exclusive or not, you shouldn't share his penis with another woman. It's not that precious! ;)

Posted
I think the truth is, the great guy I had in my head, he showed up sometimes, but was seldom there.

The glimpsed potential. It's what draws people back in, time and again. Until he wants that glimpsed potential to be who he really is all the time, nothing changes.

 

Run far away from glimpsed potential. Believe what you see right now, especially his actions.

Posted
When you chose to take the high road, expect to walk alone.

 

I know exactly, precisely to a TEE how you feel. You look at the way people act once things have ended, and you wonder what happened to the person you fell in love with. How can that sweet lovable person turn into this vile monster?

 

Thing is, people really dont change all that much. Sometimes, they're able to for the sake of a relationship, but whenever you change for someone else it never sticks. Chances are, he was like this before, met you, and decided to keep it under wraps in order to keep you around. Deep down inside, he was probably always the same way, and always will be. I know it's hard to imagine, but the way people act at their worst is a lot more telling than how they act at their best.

 

You're an exceptionally strong and good-hearted person, and I give you a TON of credit for doing the right thing. This guy isn't worth a second of your time anymore, you're way better than that.

 

I want to be remembered as someone who got the f*** out keeping her dignity. Thats why it ends today

 

I thought this was awesome! Keep strong.

 

It's like this post was written by me, and at the same time FOR me. I am going through the exact same range of emotions. It's so difficult. My family and friends have been so fantastic today, probably because they realized I was at a breaking point, when I'm usually very strong. And since I've been there for them in their times of need, I'm so thankful they have been there for me when I've really needed it.

 

I'm walking the same path, and it's so hard to just let it go. But I agree not giving a $hit what they think is the first, and hardest step. Getting the last word in doesn't solve anything. What's already broken can't be fixed. Glue it back together? It's still broken on the inside.

 

Be well and know you're not alone.

Posted

I only realized after seeing that I was still being a nice and considerate person after my ex dumped me, and she was a complete b***h. She was this selfish jerk that didn't seem to give a crap about me at all. That's when I started to think back to some of the stuff she did to other people, that at the time maybe I didn't think was so bad, but in hindsight was pretty terrible. The way she treated people, the manipulation, etc...

 

I think we've all seen the glimpse of hope in some people, but who knows if it's really there or only in our minds.

Posted
Hey everyone, thanks for the posts - they keep me strong.

 

I think the truth is, the great guy I had in my head, he showed up sometimes, but was seldom there. When I look back at our relationship, I was constantly lowering my standards, or keeping my mouth shut when he was disrespectful.

 

Each night, before I fell asleep, I'd think about him, imagine a good time we shared together. Maybe all that imagining let me make up a more wonderful man in my head than there actually was.

 

I like the posts that call these bad elements in him his true colors. I'm starting to accept thats the man he really is, and all of you posting to remind me that kind of... help me see what I was blinded to for so long.

 

Do you think he'll be like this all his life? He'll grow up someday, right? People can't like that forever, can they?

 

 

;p

Thanks again everyone... each and everyone of you are helping me so much. :)

 

i realize i used to do the exact same thing as you.

mine will be like that unless he gets professional help (he's 36 years old).

i really don't think they change much unless something really tragic happens and they have some kind of epiphany. they *can* be like that forever...it may change a bit over time, but ultimately unless they want to change and do it, they won't. it'll always be there. they may be good at hiding it for a while (like mine was) but eventually it will creep back out.

i feel bad for all the other women they are going to hurt and put through the same bull they put us through.. :(

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