sukerpunked Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 Apologies for the long post This will just be a bichfest but here goes. Met my wife 1 1/2 yrs ago. We moved in together quickly and when I was starting to talk marraige, it wasn't soon enough for her so she stopped taking her b/c which made me pull out the ring way sooner than I would have. Now we are married with a 2 month old, my kid and her other 2. She constantly insults everything I have any interest in from music to hobbies, down to the way I walk up/down stairs. I clean the house daily which she says I never do a good enough job. I try to squeeze in exercising or seeing my parents which makes her complain how she wishes she had time to waste like that. She's so OCD she will scrub and rescrub the house all day then yell at me for not helping around the house. Despite the fact she recleaned everything from the day before that I had cleaned. I'm "not allowed" to rent movies to watch at work on my overnight shift. Because they may be innappropriate or because it doesn't include her. She has alienated me from my friends. The latest is she said I'm not forward enough in bed, yet criticizes me when I try "no, don't touch there. Not like that.... forget it I'll do it." and yells at me because I had a wet dream (embarrassing) because we don't have much time in bed. We are looking at court issues because of my ex and despite the fact that she has told me I should have no contact (verbal) with any woman other than her. She calls to get advice from her ex. Who has even interrupted our honeymoon in Mexico to call her. Which she sees nothing wrong with this. I know "grow a back bone." We argue constantly, and I've told her how I feel but it falls on deaf ears. plus I've already been divorced once and to me it's not an option. and she does not believe in counseling. that leaves me with...?
lonelyandfrustrated Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 Wow, she sounds awfully immature. Tell her she can't allow or dis-allow you to do anything, you're not her child, you're her husband. She can say, Honey, please, I'd really rather you didn't...[whatever] but then she needs to leave you to make the decision about whether or not you'll watch a movie, lol. Don't let her alienate you from your friends or family. That's the first thing an abuser does; take away the victim's support system. It's not 'grow a backbone'. But you do need to assert yourself here. My H used to drive me nuts by coming behind me to clean, he'd say, "Why can't you just clean up a bit?" So I just left it all alone for three days and he saw (four kids!) just how much work I DID do. And you do need to be in contact with your ex. You have a child together. Your little girl/wife has some growing up to do.
trubella Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 are you scared of your wife? why cant you tell her everything you have said here. saying nothing is worse i believe. it sounds like you just let her control you- and you think by being the obedient husband things eventually will improve.. but obviously that hasnt worked out so well so far, maybe its time for a different approach. maybe you could try IC, then maybe when she sees your doing this she will be more inclined to participate? she is definitely a control freak i would nip this in the bud now, you guys havent been together for too long. was she like this before marriage?
Mr. Lucky Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 that leaves me with...? Nothing !!!! You don't need to be a "man" in your relationship, you just need to be recognized as a person. And it starts with you. Without you buy-in, how does she control what movies you watch at work? Whether or not you talk to your ex? Whether or not you see your friends? If you don't roll over, she doesn't get away with dictating your life. You're going to have to fight this battle sooner or later, so might as well be now... Mr. Lucky
angie2443 Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Why did you marry her? Actually, my husband can be controlling also. It took me a long time, and a lot of standing my ground to end most of his controlling behavior. In my case, the controlling behavior wasn't there in the beginning. It grew gradually because I didn't stand up to him when it first started. I'm wondering if you saw the controlling behavior from the start or if it snuck up on you.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 She didn't want a husband. She wanted a checkbook with a penis. She hooked you, and good. I bet the sex was really good in the beginning, right? And she seemed too good to be true? Welcome to the world of 'bait and switch bitches'. They hook you in with the good stuff, trap you if necessary, and then lock you down in the most miserable existence you can imagine. The way that it is now is the best it will ever be, and it will go downhill from there. Seriously, go see a lawyer who is well versed in better rights for men and push for full custody and minimal alimony. Neither you nor your kids needs a woman like this in their lives, and the price you have to pay to leave her will be well worth it in the end.
quankanne Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 as much as I don't advocate breaking up a marriage, you are being abused by this woman. And frankly, it's an unhealthy situation that can only devolve, esp. if she's not interested in getting outside help to heal the marriage. Run. Far and fast. While society might still place a stigma on divorce (especially multiple divorces), the fact is, the stigma of abuse should be much greater and victims like you have more than earned a "do-over" card. there are good lawyers out there who can help, and support available to abused persons. Because as bad as it seems to be thinking about divorce, I don't think things will ever get better than this with her, as LB points out. Emotionally, physically, economically, you're better off leaving now – and ideally with your children in tow, because lord knows what she will subject them to out of anger for you – than if you stayed even 6 months to a year longer. your mental well-being shouldn't be sacrificed for an unhealthy relationship just because you don't feel there are options. There are, you just need to reach for them, and know you've got people backing you along the way.
EricaL Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Hehehe, don't even apologize for a long post. I think you covered some major issues very succinctly. I wish my long posts were that short. I tend to get verbose. Anyway, I'm a controlling personality. I also have some obsessive-compulsive tendancies. So I'm a little familiar with what you are talking about. To me it sounds like you've got problems coming at you on a few different levels. First of all, what a rush for such a short amount of time. In this situation time is working against you. You two weren't able to find yourselves together. You had past influences, she had past influences. She has children, now there is an infant. In addition to the emotions and ties to each other, she's battling hormones, and it sounds like she is incredibly insecure and I wonder how she views herself. Is she a confident person or is she incredibly critical of herself? A good coping mechanism that people often use is deflection and I'm not a professional, but it sounds like she's doing some serious deflecting. She's pressuring you and she's giving you commands and demands that stem from her fears and insecurities. How are you two at communicating? Does she close up or get angry, or does she actively listen? It also sounds like she needs to relax. I know, not much help here for you. But I empathize with your situation and I hope you two are able to find a common ground to begin the communication. Would it be possible for each of you to make a list of the things you like that your partner does and the things you don't like? Then you could come together and discuss those things. You think you clean well enough. She thinks you don't. What is it that she is basing her judgment on? the sheen on the floor? what are you basing yours on? The fact that all the socks are picked up? Not that I'm implying that is your situation, but many times someone thinks they are doing great at something and someone else thinks they aren't... well, how are you going to know how they perceive it if you don't know what their criteria for "great" is. Maybe she can tell you and you can tell her... and then you can work together toward a middle ground. Do let us know how it goes though. I wish you the best of luck.
Author sukerpunked Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 Thank you all for your thoughts. I do want to clear up a few things. I was trying to keep it short and definitely came off as being passive, I guess to the point of sounding abused. Everything is a fight. She tries to control everything I do and I call her out on it every time. Lately we fight every day and I tell her how sick of her issues I am, if she's not being realistic, otherwise I am open to see her point of view and if she has valid points I'm more than willing to change. She does the same for me. The difference is, for example, I told her she has to cut off contact with a guy she had an affair with twice before we met. She tells me what music, tv, movies, friends (etc...) I can have. I won't bow down to her on anything that makes me who I am. I also was a little confusing she doesn't say I can't talk to my ex regarding my son. But she wants me to have zero contact with any other females. Going as far as to say I should work in places where there are no women like forklift driver in a warehouse. My field is prodominantly female and it drives her crazy. No, I've never had any issues of infidelity. I agree with a lot of what what was said in response and had the exact thought ver batim "penis with a checkbook" I think everyone had very good points. I'm just emotionally drained and would like to knowif anyone has dealt with these issues or is ther dealing with them at all?
stone22 Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 Seriously, dude- wow. You wife is immature, and your wife is a BRAT. Bravo for not considering divorce as an option. Are you happy? You know what you need to do. You know what YOUR problem is, but you have turned to this website for PERMISSION. You need to trust your instincts. Stop asking your wife for permission. I would recommend going to a counselor for YOURSELF. I was in your shoes. I let my wife boss me around. I got sick of it. I did not consider divorce as an option either. I looked inward for the solution, and I found it. My hunch is that you will find that you do not respect yourself, and that this alone is the base of your problem. When you get to the point where you respect yourself enough to start demanding respect from other people in your life, (not just your wife) you will meet resistance. People will fight you. As long as you are morally right, keep fordging ahead. Do not disrespect others, but demand the same for yourself. Your wife will fight you. Your counselor will help you learn how to deal with that and make sense of it. Your honeymoon got interrupted because you sent the signal that it was ok to do that. You were a wimp about it. (Sorry). If my ex GF would call on ou honeymoon, my wife would grab my phone and throw it in the water. I WOULD DO THE SAME. Your wife does not know you would do that. You can not only "tell" her your feelings. You have to be strong. Check your posture, your tone of voice, your demeanor. All plays into it. She is playing a game, and she is kicking your ASS. Stay- if you change. You will find that your wife may change as well. Some people smell a drop of blood and go in for the kill. Some can sense it. Go- if you are not man enough to admit to your self that you do not respect yourself as a person. You owe it to your child, you owe it to your self, you owe it to your wife. If she does not change after you change and after considerable effert on your part- leave. Don't put your child at risk of becoming a bitch. Ghandi said, "We must beome the change that we want to see." Amen.
stone22 Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 Sorry- forgot some things: You seem to know that you have a better sense of right and wrong than does your wife. That is what I meant by trust your instincts. Also- be honest with yourself about what it is that you are really afraid of happening if you TRULY stand up to your wife. Do you think she will leave? Would that be a bad thing if you actually stood up fo the principles that you KNOW are right? Which way would you have it? Pissed on for years and never say anything and continue to be absolutely miserable? Or stand up for yourself and for your principles, and truly show your love to your wife and TEACH her and guide her, while risking that she may leave? I hear you. You are hurting. You are just waiting for someone to give you permission to stand up for your self. Just give yourself permission. I bet she will find you more attractive if you become more dominant. You can be. She will resist you, and bitch at you, but eventually you will get there. But please-- seek counsel. You want to do this right.
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