base618 Posted September 24, 2008 Posted September 24, 2008 So, to bring everyone up do date on my deal. Caught wife sleeping with a co-worker last Thanksgiving. We had just had our second round of fertility treatments and had been trying to concieve for over a year. Right or wrong, wife used depression over not getting pregnant to run off to another city and start a new life with someone else. So tomorrow we go to closing on our house, I'm assuming the full mortgage myself, so it's not a typical closing, just having her removed. There has been constant communication since she left with respect to divorce, selling house, then me keeping the house etc. The mortgage paperwork is the last item that is requiring us to stay in communication. I have already told her that after tomorrow, after the paperwork is done, I never want to hear from her again. She agreed to it. So, today, I get this email: ---, I want to wish you well in life. Take care of yourself. I am truly sorry for all the pain and anger I have caused you. ---- My 1st thought was that I deserve more than a one sentence apology. Then I thought I would just reply with a simple "F*ck You". But starting to think that she doesn't even deserve to know if I'm still angry, or if I've forgiven her, or anything. Was just going to not reply. Think not replying is more effective than anything I can put into words? I doubt she is really sorry, or the apology would have been more than one sentence. Anything that I would say that I would hope affected her, or made her think probably won't do anything anyway. I mean, she's keeping my last name, even though she cheated and ran away, only so that in her new life, she doesn't have to explain why her name changed. (we were only married a year). You'd think that my last name would be a reminder of all the horrible things she did, but I really don't think she has a conscience, hence no reply.
LoriSam7879 Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Wow, that is a horrible situation. Going through infertility is tough enough, now adultery. Speaking from personal experience, you are right. Going through infertility myself, I became depressed, withdrawn, angry, etc. However not once did I consider having an affair. Even during the tough times (my husband is BiPolar) She is using a difficult situation to excuse her disgusting actions, how dare she. I agree with you, PERFECT way to handle it. She wants you to reply. I believe she wants to you say I forgive you (to relieve her guilt) or to even ask her to come back (upping her self esteem) not replying is the best thing you could've done. She was in the wrong, she chose this, you need to get this divorce done and move on... Keep strong, Lori
PWSX3 Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 I say type her what you want in word or something like that then after you get it out on paper print it out & then tear it up & throw it away. Like someone else said; she just wants to hear your reply & I wouldn't give her the satisfaction to hear back from you.
troubadour Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Do not reply. There is no point in doing so except to give her satisfaction.
dgiirl Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 ---, I want to wish you well in life. Take care of yourself. I am truly sorry for all the pain and anger I have caused you. ---- Although I probably wouldnt respond to her either, at least she wrote something decent to end the relationship. Immediately after the closing of my house, I was driving 600km, to a brand new city, and the chances of seeing asshat was/is next to none. All he said was "Drive safe". 11 years and that's all he had to say. Not even an insincere apology because in his eyes everything was my fault despite him being the one to cheat and leave the marriage.
jmargel Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 One sentence in an email? Please. Don't even bother replying. She's doing it to try to get a kick out of you. The best way to get her back is to find happiness within' yourself and live a great life. Things will crumble for her. And what she's done was give you the freedom to find the person you are truly meant to be with.
Geishawhelk Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 I hate to be the voice of contradiction here, but I think she's trying to genuinely say she wants to end on a positive note. I do think she does mean you well. I don't feel she's trying to assuage her own guilt, but she's just trying to enfd things on a positive, rather than a negative, in her eyes. You have truly no way of knowing what was going on in her mind. And let's be honest, neither have we. Push comes to shove, we're all just guessing on the basis of what you've written, and you know her far better than we do. Is it possible, in any way, that she's trying to be genuine? Is there any possibility from what you know of her, that she is trying to be nice, and has possibly some degree of regret about what she did to hurt you? Would it not be possible that she really does mean well? Because you see, without the certainty of a real and visual interaction, and more questions to her - How you take it really isn't down to her, or her intentions. It's down to you. If you choose to take it as a slap in the face, that's the feeling you'll get from it. If you choose to take it as a final kindly well-meant gesture - that's the feeling you'll get from it.
In Like Flynn Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 i wouldn't respond...but if you can't help yourself....I would only say...:Gee that was such a heart-felt apology....I am speechless!!!
Trimmer Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 I hate to be the voice of contradiction here, but I think she's trying to genuinely say she wants to end on a positive note. I do think she does mean you well. I don't feel she's trying to assuage her own guilt, but she's just trying to enfd things on a positive, rather than a negative, in her eyes. You have truly no way of knowing what was going on in her mind. And let's be honest, neither have we. Push comes to shove, we're all just guessing on the basis of what you've written, and you know her far better than we do. Is it possible, in any way, that she's trying to be genuine? Is there any possibility from what you know of her, that she is trying to be nice, and has possibly some degree of regret about what she did to hurt you? Would it not be possible that she really does mean well? Because you see, without the certainty of a real and visual interaction, and more questions to her - How you take it really isn't down to her, or her intentions. It's down to you. If you choose to take it as a slap in the face, that's the feeling you'll get from it. If you choose to take it as a final kindly well-meant gesture - that's the feeling you'll get from it. I support this view, at least as a possibility that you should consider. Think about this: if she had expanded her apology to "more than one sentence," what could she possibly have done that would make things any better? Self-flagellation? Beat up on herself in front of you? You'd probably take that as if she were playing the victim. Explaining what happened? What could she possibly say that you wouldn't take as if she were making excuses and not taking responsibility for her actions? I think apologies that come with "sorry, but..." or "I'm sorry if you took it the wrong way..." seem disingenuous and watered down, especially if you are still mad and not really inclined to forgive anyway. I think an apology that says "I'm sorry, I know I hurt you, I wish you well," is about the best you can do. What more do we all want when we whine about "getting closure?" We want the other party to acknowledge that they hurt us, accept responsibility for their actions, and not put the blame back on us as we all move on and begin healing. Honestly, for someone who has done something like she did, that could be seen as a pretty decent apology. I prefer simple, honest clarity - no attempt to sugar-coat it, make excuses, lay it back on you, or any of that other typical stuff that people use to squirm out of being honest and taking responsibility. So what are you going to do with it? Some of your considerations seem to focus on how she will react to your response: does she deserve to know if you are still angry, how will your silence affect her, etc... Dwelling on these only highlights your continued connection to her and her thought processes; if your goal is to disconnect from her, then none of that matters. What does matter, as the comment above mentions, is how you internalize this. It may be hard to see past your justifiable anger, but an apology from her - no matter how long - would never be able to do the complete job of healing you. It could, however, provide you with a starting point on that journey.
donnamaybe Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 I wouldn't send back one single word. Tie up the loose ends of your personal business and move on.
Author base618 Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 Is it possible, in any way, that she's trying to be genuine? Is there any possibility from what you know of her, that she is trying to be nice, and has possibly some degree of regret about what she did to hurt you? Would it not be possible that she really does mean well? I actually believed her to be genuine. I 'did' in fact fall in love with this person and for 6 years thought her to be sweet, caring, etc. But... probably not the best way of describing it but when people try not to accept blame when they do something when they were drunk. Drunk or not, that person *still* did something. Just because she is trying to be nice now, to me, she revealed her true personality and what she was capapble of. Because of that, I didn't reply. I know she regrets what she did, she said as much. Instead of ending the marriage to be with the OM, first she got caught texting him, but begged for forgiveness and promised to stop contact. Caught her emailing him, begged for forgiveness and promised to stop contact. Then I saw the phone record and she was calling him everyday. I tried to end it then, but she started talking about killing herself and begged for forgiveness and promised she would definately stop this time and what a horrible mistake she was making... so I gave her another chance. She "told" me she needed a long weekend away to decide if she still wanted to have a baby and be married (FYI, trying to have a baby stopped immediatly after OM came on scene). Turns out she packed lingerie and the OM went with her, but she was going to have me sit at home for 4 days, thinking and praying that she would come to her senses, all the while, she had planned for WEEKS to go away and F*** him all weekend. She tortured me for 2 months straight and even when I would threaten divorce, she begged for another chance, only to drag things out and make it worse. Everybody tells me that I need to forgive her for my own sake. Honestly, I don't think I ever will. I Would have forgiven her had she acted like an adult, discussed our problems, and if on her own decided she needed a divorce, fine. She was weak and used me to end it for her. Thought I was going to go out last night and celebrate never having to hear from her again. I'm away on business, so got back to the hotel, worked out, showered, but instead of going out, I actually got very sad. I couldn't believe it, but even though she moved away with the OM 600 miles away 6 months ago, for the first time, she really seemed 'gone'. I guess it's part of the whole "mourning the relationship" thing. I did however wake up this morning and felt better, knowing that she was truly gone. Thanks everyone for you help, not only on this thread but all my others. LS was an essential aid during the lowest of times.
Simplycaroline Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 I actually believed her to be genuine. I 'did' in fact fall in love with this person and for 6 years thought her to be sweet, caring, etc. But... probably not the best way of describing it but when people try not to accept blame when they do something when they were drunk. Drunk or not, that person *still* did something. Just because she is trying to be nice now, to me, she revealed her true personality and what she was capapble of. Because of that, I didn't reply. I know she regrets what she did, she said as much. Instead of ending the marriage to be with the OM, first she got caught texting him, but begged for forgiveness and promised to stop contact. Caught her emailing him, begged for forgiveness and promised to stop contact. Then I saw the phone record and she was calling him everyday. I tried to end it then, but she started talking about killing herself and begged for forgiveness and promised she would definately stop this time and what a horrible mistake she was making... so I gave her another chance. She "told" me she needed a long weekend away to decide if she still wanted to have a baby and be married (FYI, trying to have a baby stopped immediatly after OM came on scene). Turns out she packed lingerie and the OM went with her, but she was going to have me sit at home for 4 days, thinking and praying that she would come to her senses, all the while, she had planned for WEEKS to go away and F*** him all weekend. She tortured me for 2 months straight and even when I would threaten divorce, she begged for another chance, only to drag things out and make it worse. Everybody tells me that I need to forgive her for my own sake. Honestly, I don't think I ever will. I Would have forgiven her had she acted like an adult, discussed our problems, and if on her own decided she needed a divorce, fine. She was weak and used me to end it for her. Thought I was going to go out last night and celebrate never having to hear from her again. I'm away on business, so got back to the hotel, worked out, showered, but instead of going out, I actually got very sad. I couldn't believe it, but even though she moved away with the OM 600 miles away 6 months ago, for the first time, she really seemed 'gone'. I guess it's part of the whole "mourning the relationship" thing. I did however wake up this morning and felt better, knowing that she was truly gone. Thanks everyone for you help, not only on this thread but all my others. LS was an essential aid during the lowest of times. You seem to be handling this as well as can be expected. Good for you. I agree with you and will add that to forgive or not to forgive is your decision, choice and right. It belongs to no one else but you. Even when you forgive does not mean that she should be welcome in your life because damaged people like that only understand damaging others. They are selfish rather that can see it or not and can't get beyond THEM enough to see that their actions are hurting you.
Mr. Lucky Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 I think her "apology" is more an attempt to make her feel like a good person than it is an effort to address your pain. I'd let it - and everything else having to do with her - go... Mr. Lucky
Author base618 Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 I think her "apology" is more an attempt to make her feel like a good person than it is an effort to address your pain. There! That is what I couldn't put into words, that's exactly what I think she is doing. Hence, me not wanting to reply and validate it.
pelicanpreacher Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 Based upon her history of repeatedly gaslighting you during the last year of your marriage I see her "apology" as a pity test to determine if there are any vestiges of hope still left in you for reconcilliaton in an attempt to determine whether she still maintains a safety net with you. If you blink and engage her with any kind of consiliatory or positive tone in your response then you continue to enable her attitude to return time and again with the smug knowledge and satisfaction that she'll always have access to your life whenever the mood suits her. (Sort of like feeding the bears!) I would suggest that you detach enough to position yourself with an observation point that allows you to assess her behavior from a disinterested third party's perspective. You'll conclude as I have that this is just a game to her. Let her go and move on to your healing and restore your life back to full vigor and splendor so that she can only gnash her teeth while observing your happiness and fulfillment from the outside looking in. By maintaining a cold, confident, and unyielding stance on any future inquiries you'll likely drive her mad with jealous self-recrimination over the happiness she can no longer have! Beware of her pity moves though for she may rely on this to be the soft underbelly of your defenses against her intrusions down the road. After all, since she was able to beg her way back into the marriage throughout the affair time and time and time again it isn't so far fetched to believe that this tactic won't work again!
Trimmer Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 I would suggest that you detach enough to position yourself with an observation point that allows you to assess her behavior from a disinterested third party's perspective. While I agree with the general ideas in this post, my suggestion is that you become so disinterested in her, that you don't waste any time assessing her behavior, wondering what she is thinking, how she is doing, or what she might do in reaction to your reaction to her apology. If you are going to move on, then she doesn't matter at all. Her behavior, her activities, her life, her feelings - those are all a part of your past, and so is she. Turn yourself towards your future, and then go start making it happen.
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